Wearing it Out

I am so glad I have a blog.  I can come here and pour my heart and my thoughts out.  It doesn't get tired of anything I write. 

I experienced something very very scary tonight.  I made a quick trip to the Walmart for some extra supplies that I needed to finish my cookie baking.  The music was playing, couples were shopping...Christmas was everywhere.  And so were reminders.  And I realized that all the cookie baking, present buying, Christmas song sing-alongs, and Christmas decorating had not helped me find my joy.  In fact, it is even more evident that I have no joy.  Where my joy was is a bottomless pit.  And it hurts...an unending, all consuming ache.  And the darkness of it all pulls me in.

I barely made it through the store.  The tears started down my face as I reached my car.  I cried all the way home, into the house and for another 15 minutes at least after that. 

I feel so alone.

I had a chat with a friend of mine with the same first name...and she got married 3 months before me.  She had some pretty nasty 'adventures' with her husband's behavior at one time, also.  She has told me for years that she felt that as soon as the kids were over 18 he would divorce her.  But, luckily, that is not the case.  She was telling me that they go for walks in the town together, go out to eat, do other things together. 

As I was driving home from the store, and crying, with that terrible pain...I understood how people can be so depressed and hurt so bad that they commit suicide.  Then others say, "They were just being selfish."  Well...yeah!  They are so much in pain and so enveloped in the murk of depression that all you can think about is ending it so it will stop.  However, being a Christian, I know better. 

I pray and pray and I may find more understanding but it doesn't make the pain quit.  What the brain comprehends doesn't make the heart feel any better. 

I know my marriage was not good.  But, all the same, it was my marriage.  I had gotten used to it.  I had been there for him and done so much for him...for our marriage.  And he chose single over me.  I was not good enough for him...important enough for him.  Everything I did made no difference. 

Now HE is the one being selfish.  I know that what everyone tells me is true...that I will make it and I will be better off.  However, that still doesn't make the pain go away.