It was one of those days...where I don't want to deal. I want someone else to run the show. But I don't want to open the door and let someone else in.
I just can't do it. I definitely am NOT doing the online 'meet your perfect mate' thing. I gave it another try and...brag about possessions, the money his siblings make...mostly bragged about his brother the millionaire (why, I don't know)...then bragged about how young he was when he got his license to fly an airplane...then he talked down to me when I would ask a question like I am an idiot. The next day he sends me texts about how pretty he thinks I am...how I look so much younger than the age I told him I am. Who would lie and say they are older?
Then I spent Friday night with my friend Jean. I was feeling unusually stressed by the revelation that I may never meet a guy that has some intelligence, is down to earth, easy going, has a sense of humor, etc. I was also getting texts from Darkness like 'it sounds weird but I still love you'. I told him it is BS because he put me through Hell and you don't treat people you love like that. I was feeling like I was wading in a river of shit by then. So I texted Jean and asked her if she was busy after school (she works as a speech pathologist). She said she was doing laundry...did I have something better to do. I said, "I am feeling a need for some tropical mai tai." she said, "I'm in!" The best ones we know are at Red Robin. I got there before her and got a table and ordered us each one. We had a great, fun dinner and drinks. Our waiter was a funny young guy...entertaining. LOL
Then I went home, let the dogs out, changed into some comfortable yoga pants and sweatshirt, stopped at the Redbox and picked a couple of movies and headed over to her place where we sat, watched a movie, drank wine and yapped.
She told me about her ex. He sounded so very deviant. He and his friends. Now mind you, this ex of hers had been the superintendent of the school system and his friends were teachers and coaches within the school system. They had went on trips together, dropped drugs in their wives' drinks then played musical rooms with the knocked out naked wives!! He was also bedding two other women in the next town. She cried and shook her head and told me she had never told anyone else about it.
I listened in horror...but did not show it on my face.
When it really comes down to it...Darkness is just immature. He is like the little kid who always thinks he's missing out on something. He has let others influence his thoughts and deeds.
He told me this week that he had not appreciated me. I told him that I would not argue with him on that point but hind sight was a sorrowful thing.
I kept waiting for him to grow up...and get it. It never happened. It never will. He needs to shut up and keep his epiphanies to himself. He is just feeling lonely right now, It will pass. The biggest thing is this...even IF some miraculous thunderbolt struck his brain and he was suddenly grown up and came back on bended knee begging my forgiveness and to take him back...even if I KNEW he really had changed...I STILL would not take him back. I would wish him well and send him on his way. He gave me too much heart ache and loads of bad memories.
I went to Walmart tonight to pick up some yogurt for me and get the dogs some dog treats. On the way out I ran into one of my neighbors across the street, Larry. He told me that Phyllis the Crazy Piano lady has colon cancer and is dying. The neighborhood has changed so much just in the 8 years since we have been here.
He also sold the house next to him (he is a retired real estate agent but if anyone in the neighborhood needs to sell their house, he does it and does it quickly) in 3 days! I asked him if the house was that great or if he thought it was location (the schools are a block away and the city park is 3 blocks away). He said the house is not that great BUT the owner had ripped up the carpets and it had laminate floors plus the walls were all freshly painted. He said the proximity to the schools was the biggest factor because it is a couple with young kids. Also, the last owner put a privacy fence around the yard...which we have done, too. This made me feel a bit better because I may have a fairly easy time selling the house when I decide to sell. And get my money out of it.
My mother asked me if I had mortgage insurance. I told her yes..why? She told me not to be too quick to take Darkness' name off the mortgage because with his stupidity he might get himself into a situation that ends him and then my mortgage would be paid off. I am not sure about that. I am pretty sure since both of our names are on the mortgage then we would both have to die. I hope she isn't planning something. Ha ha!
I told Larry what Bethany is going to college for and his eyes lit up. He told me about a job with kids from broken homes. The place is attached to the local hospital and the job is federally funded and it pays really well. I told Bethany about it and I told her that since her dad was nice enough to tell me not to worry about getting his name off the mortgage that would give me more time in the house...and her...and if she wanted to go for her BS degree she could...or work that job...or both. I told her it just gives her/us more options. She is excited. I think she would love working with those kids.
It looks like I have a really good chance of being offered a 2 year contract on my job. In the meantime, I will be working away...1 class at a time...on my Masters and letting my employer pay for it.
I just want to pull up out of this funk. I feel like someone threw me into the deep end of the pool and I am fighting to get to the surface of the water.
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