Behind the Mask of the Narcissist
I was having one of my depression/pity party days today. I have been sick and it has taken a lot of my energy. Also, the grayness of the month has not helped my mood. It is usually this time of year that I would be glad for others in the house to lean on. But now there is no one.
Believe it or not, it is because of my anxiety and depression that I would actually be grateful that I had a husband. I figured I needed to stay with him just because I felt that I was too unstable to make it on my own. I have proven to myself that I can handle it but...I get weary of it. The big irony of it all was he was the one causing most of my anxiety and depression.
It is the loneliness. I am not sure I am ready for an intimate relationship with anyone. I feel too drained emotionally and mentally. However, it would be nice to have a friend...a roommate friend. Someone to share the bills with, converse with, and go do things with. Someone that wouldn't mind helping me out (to lean on) when things come up with my kids, etc. But there isn't even anyone like that.
It is sad because I allowed the isolation. I allowed a lot of things. It wasn't that I wasn't totally unaware of everything that was going on. I knew he didn't REALLY love me or care about me. However, I stayed in it so long, to shield the kids from those every other weekend visits alone with him and any other time alone with him, that I got torn down to the point that I believed he needed me to save HIM. He always found a way to self destruct and I would be the one to put things back on the right path. (Thus the title of my blog)
But that wasn't why he needed me. When he realized I was a drag on him and his finances, when I wasn't glowing over him like he was so very important, when he felt I was choosing the kids as more important than he (I was right in thinking he was jealous of them), I was no longer of use to him.
I was sitting here today thinking about how I had been tossed aside along with everything else he wanted to shed...the obligation of the house, the obligation of the dogs, etc. He packed up his car and drove off to a new job in another state to start with a clean slate.
I do not know what he is doing now...or who. I have absolutely no clue. I don't look at his FB page. I could but I won't. I don't need that. I would rather not have any knowledge of his life or him.
I do wonder if I will ever feel mended enough to want another relationship. There is a part of me that would love to know what it is like to truly be loved by someone. But there is a bigger, sadder part of me that knows it wouldn't be fair to anyone else because I am emotionally unreliable right now.
I worry sometimes because I have a home job and I leave the house less and less. Am I becoming a recluse? Or is it just because of the time of year? Also, perhaps God knows I will need some isolation time for healing.
My son says I need to put myself 'out there'. Out WHERE? I keep telling myself that I am not ready for OUT THERE until the inside of my house is organized and I am taking better care of myself physically. Yet, I am not doing so well with either thing.
I want to feel some joy...some interest in my own life. I feel like I am just going through the motions of some sort of pathetic existence. I used to have that family commercial life in my head...you know...the happy kids, the happy mom and dad with pets. But, it was all blown apart. I had images of Darkness and I in my head where we were finally the empty nesters, spending time together, going places, doing things and being happy with each other. I know it was a reach but I still believed in it. I don't know why. He never supported me or had any faith in me.
He seems very content with the 'no communication' arrangement. It lets him totally off the hook. It also gives me some semblance of peace in my world. Perhaps he has gotten to the part where he realizes he DOESN'T need me. He kept telling me he still needed me in his life. But, he doesn't. I am sure he has found plenty of others to feed his bloated self image.
I didn't want him to hang on. I NEEDED him to let go. I found it ludicrous that he wanted me out of his world as his wife yet he wanted me in his world as a friend to share what was going on in his life. Perhaps it was more of a torture thing. I don't know. There is no rhyme or reason to what a narcissist needs/wants or why.
I keep thinking I should be stronger than this...that I should no longer be bothered...that I should be able to banish the past from my thinking. Yet, from everything I have read, it seems normal that I haven't. And it scares the ever living beetlejuice out of me! Will I never feel joy again? Will I never be able to reach out to others and feel something?
I guess I really did sacrifice myself for my kids. I just hope I am not emotionally and mentally twisted forever.
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