Caught In My Brain

 I am definitely a product of my parents.  My mother has anxiety and needs to have control over things.  Since she learned to let go of trying to control what her kids do (I must have been quite the disappointment when I moved back here because she was expecting someone she would have to take care of and I refused to let her do it) she has put herself into the outdoors around her.  I won't even get in to that.  I will say, her need to 'prove' her worth has caused her to neglect her physical and put too much strain on her shoulder replacement and now it looks like she will need a new one.

My father has dark moods.  They will come out of nowhere and he refuses to interact with anyone...and it is best if you don't try to make him, either.  He doesn't get physically violent (although I have seen him snap and throw things a few times) but he is surly in his conversation and says things that can be hurtful.  On the other hand, when a problem presents itself, he will roll it around in his head and look it over, consult books, etc, until he comes up with a solution. Once he is engaged in that, let him go.

I have my mother's anxiety but have learned to step back from my kids' lives.  It was easier with Bethany because she and Jordan showed me a long time ago that they can work together and solve things together.  They plan and implement the plan. With my son, he has been more needy.  I enabled that.  I admit it.  He had a problem and instead of letting him figure it out, I jumped in and took over.  I was always worried about his stress/anxiety level and afraid he would regress into panic attacks.  He is doing okay now.  And, with each thing he learns to do on his own, it is having the opposite effect...he is gaining confidence and losing some anxiety.  Really, I should have realized that would happen but...I just couldn't seem to let go.  

I am pouring myself into my work and my home again.  I am finding time for friends around me...even in this time of COVID.  I passed my first class on Auditory Processing Disorder with a 100% A+.  I am working on another class that is in it's second of 3 phases.  I passed the first phase with 100%.  

I had to replace a shut off valve on the toilet in my main bathroom.  I happened to have bought one because I had noticed that it wouldn't shut off and I knew I had to replace the inside working of the toilet tank. Then it suddenly started dripping profusely all over the floor a week later.  So, there I was, with wrenches taking it apart and putting the new one on.  My dad came the next day and replaced the tank parts for me while I was working.  He didn't seem to mind and neither did my mom.  He got out of the house, was busy and my mom got some time to herself as well.  I am glad I am useful.  LOL  When foraging in the basement for my Christmas decorations I found a surprise. When I came back from TJ's when I went to see the new home, I brought back some rubbermaid storage boxes that I have leant them to pack and move.  I put them in the basement.  It so happens they were beneath my main bathroom, right below where the toilet sits. And when the shut off valve flooded the floor and the water leaked through the floor around the toilet, it all fell inside the empty storage box.  If that box hadn't been there, they water would have been all over my basement floor.

Back to my classes...they have projects that have to be put together.  I read all of the assignments and see what will be expected then I roll it around in my head for a while until I come up with something that will satisfy my class project AND I can use with my students as I make lessons. That way, I am not doing double the work.  It saves time and I can see my project working as I submit it for a grade.

You should see my daily calendar.  I have it all lined up with what I have to do.  This included writing IEP documents, phone calls to parents, recording help videos for my students, doing my course work, etc.  

The problem with what dad and I do...getting lost in the problem...is we neglect ourselves.  I have tried to include time, now, to revamp my diet to make it work better for me.  I have also done some thinking about me and how I respond and act with people.  You sometimes don't see your own problem.  People come at me and want to DO things and take me along and my first response it to recoil.  'That's not in my plan!'  I think part of it is I don't trust.  Another part of it is I am afraid that they will decide I no longer fit into their life and will leave and I will never see them again.  I am trying to be okay with that possibility.  No one likes rejection, after all.  I also am trying to be okay with the idea that just because you meet people and like them, does not mean you have to be in each other's lives.  I don't have to be everybody's friend.  I may like who they are and what they do....possibly though there are just enough things about each of us that would not be a good fit to be constant friends.  I may have a small tight circle of people that I trust and want to be around but that's okay.  I have never been a 'large circle' kind of person.  It is tiring to be that way...for me. I feel like I am on display.  I have learned that I have my own thoughts and likes and if someone is in agreement, great but if not, they are allowed that also. Move on and out.  I don't take it as a sign of rejection of ME...just differences.  And some people are not comfortable with those differences.  I am not comfortable with some differences. 

Sometimes I alter my plans.  Like today.  I took a break from teaching today so that I could get my course work caught up.  I was overwhelmed and I have learned to recognize it and give myself a break before I have a melt down.  So, having acknowledged that, it is time to get back to it.  

Energy Efficiency

Wednesday and Thursday were not such great days when it came to exercise.  I am in a crunch right now.  I have more than half of my students that I need to have IEPs ready for by Sept 10 and 17.  Which means I need to get those parents on the phone and get the meeting schedule set.  I will be writing IEPs all next week...trying to get that done before the classes begin.  I also have teaching programs to get used to and be able to use.  I only got 2 out 18 parents on the phone yesterday.  One parent stuck right to the subject of student and school.  That was a quick 30 minute call (yes, quick, because I have a lot of information to go over with them) and the other parent wanted to yap about everything...her ills, her troubles, etc...yet, I still managed to get her off the phone in 45 minutes.  I watch the clock.  They have a 45 time frame, max then I need to move on to the next parent.

I have to make sure I am eating better besides trying to get some exercise in.  

I visited my parents last night.  I just needed to get out of the house...so did Lucy...and have some human contact.  My parents are still alive and kicking because they go out and do a lot of physical labor...I am convinced of that.  They are clearing not only their yard and the 'swamp' behind them but they are also helping the neighbors behind them keep their yards cleared.  I do not envision me EVER having that kind of energy.  Heck, I don't have it NOW.  I even hired a guy to mow and trim my yard.  I will tell YOU...it is WONDERFUL! For the first time in decades, I am not the one mowing the lawn.

I hit the ground running this morning.  I did some chores this morning.  A container of 2 grams of sugar yogurt and a cup of coffee for now, too.  Yesterday I only had coffee all morning, that container of yogurt after noon and real food did not make it on a plate until 5 o'clock. That was not good for me because my body does not work that way.  However, this afternoon will be veggies from my garden with sugar free honey dijon dip.  

Next week is supposed to be cooler.  I am SO looking forward to that.  I like the temps in the 70's.  Maybe I can get some painting done during my lunch time next week.  I am hoping to paint my front door tomorrow.  I SO want that done!

Time Flies Need Eradicated

 The school year has sort of started.  Kids haven't started but the rest of us have.  We did not have to go to the big family fun meeting place this year.  I was SO happy.  I HATE that place...so much confusion and it is COLD and the food sucks.  I don't like having to check the bed for bed bugs.  uck!

I was separated from my teaching team I was in last year.  I was placed in a POD that has 2 new teachers and 2 new Intervention Specialists.  A POD consists of 2 ELA gen ed teachers, 2 math gen ed teachers, 4 Intervention Specialists. Each POD consists of 2 teams.  MY team is the 2 new teachers and 1 new Intervention Specialist.  The math teacher from the other team, I worked with a couple years ago in a POD. She called me yesterday afternoon because she said she felt she needed to see how I was doing with all of this NEW.  She told me that she says I should take it as a compliment...that obviously they felt I was capable enough to help get the new people on track and get everyone through the year. She said she felt I was always on it and ready.  Even if that is true...I don't WANT to be that person.  This year is going to be crazy enough without having to take on all of this NEW.  However, I don't seem to have a choice in the matter.  

Charity...the IS I worked with last year...is upset because she said she wouldn't have made it through last year without me.  She messages me now still and asks me all kinds of questions.  Tonight she messaged me and asked me if I had seen the new students that we got.  This was around 7 o'clock. I told her, "Why did you have to mess up my night with talk of work?"  She said she was sorry but they just put out a new spreadsheet and now she has 36 students.  I found that quite suspect so I had to go check my work computer.  I found the email, opened the spreadsheet and sorted for our names.  I still had 18 students.  I told her, "I only see 18 students under your name." She said, "yes and I already had 18 students." "Charity, if you look at the names, you will find they are those same 18 students."  "oh"  Then she spent the next 10 minutes messaging me 'sorry' memes.  I told her it was fine...no harm.  she could relax...yada yada.  Oy

My younger sister may find herself without a job and no pay since her school district is planning on closing down and doing online for at least the rest of the semester and since she is a paraprofessional they said they would not be working, would not be paid and could not file for unemployment because they are state govt workers.  She just bought a new car in June to replace the old van that fell apart in March.  

My son is looking for his next job when this contract expires in October. He says it does not look like he will be hired on full time.  They said they will be letting contract workers go.  

And the hits just keep on coming.  My brother said things where he works are nuts so he took the week off.  

I just need to keep trying to make some positive changes for myself.  More exercise each day.  I have been doing some each day but I need to start increasing that.  I am drinking a lot more water.  I need to try some yoga.  I also need to make my butt move out the door and off some place every once in a while.

My front door is waiting to be painted along with the trim around the outside and inside.  I also need to get my house number sign completed.  I hope it is not raining Saturday.  

I also am registering to take a 3 semester credit hour class this semester about processing disorders.  I have until December 1 to complete it.  My school is paying for it and I need the credit hours to renew my teaching license.  yay.  

Projecting

I finished my walk way.  I am going to maybe reconfigure the fancy end pavers because I am not satisfied with them...maybe add another...and a few of the other pavers still need a little leveling.  It also needs more dirt between the pavers.  I was waiting for the rain storm that we had last night for everything to settle.

Today I start work on a couple of things at once.  I have to put plastic down on my garage floor so that I can spray paint the rebar that will support my privacy screen for my back deck and to seal my concrete bird bath.  I will also be filling in the nail holes and screw holes in my bedroom wall (almost 20), sand that down and paint over it.  Thankfully the paint for the walls was in the basement.  AND THEN, I will begin putting the flooring planks down.  That will begin on Monday and may take me a few days. 

I also have the front railing to paint.  Not sure I will do that today.  I may do that next week then my dad is going to help me put that on.  The only other things I want to accomplish is to put in the fan in my office area and the new vent/fan in the main bathroom.

Sounds like a lot but I can get it done in short order.  My son informed me that, at this point, he is planning on visiting July 11-14th and I have a friend planning on spending the night on July 15th.  So...I have my target date to have it all done...July 10th.  I work well with a target date.

My friend Debbie is doing some interior redecorating...painting, flooring...to her mom's house because she is going to purchase it and move in next month.  Her mom is elderly and having health issues. Debbie is a nurse.  Debbie's 4 siblings encouraged her to do it and that way she can sell it later, if she wants, and make some money from it.  They are married. She is divorced and this is what happens.  I may end up selling my house and moving in with which ever one of my parents is left after one of them dies...just so the one that is left does not have to go to a nursing home.  It will help me out also because by the time it is all said and done, I will end up with enough money to buy a house for myself outright...no mortgage.  By then, my older sister may be ready to sell her house and we can find something that is mutually acceptable to both of us.

No...I obviously am not planning on remarrying.  I don't care.

I bought some lavender plants.  They were in my garage for a week.  I finally put them in large planters on my deck and 2 days later they were dead.  Ugh.  I messaged the herb farm I bought them from and let them know what happened and asked if they had any more that I could buy and try again. They told me to dig them up, bring them in and they will replace them for free.  I was not looking for that but if that is what they want to do...then, why not? 

I had my second interview with the other online school.  It was tough.  I think it went well BUT I am not sure if they will offer me the job or if I want it. I can say that I would want more money but this is for an 11th grade position working with the algebra II teacher.  My algebra II skills are rusty but I have confidence I could get up to speed fairly quickly with that but then I am thinking about learning a new system and getting used to a new grade level and it makes me tired just thinking of it.  Usually I am all for a new challenge but I am losing my enthusiasm for it.  I just don't feel like they will be offering me this position at this time.  They will probably find someone else that is a better fit.  That is my gut feeling.  However, IF they do offer me that job, I will most likely take it.  Who knows?  I may really end up liking it.  I have 8 more years before I am thinking I am going to consider retiring.  Debbie says we won't be here anymore by then and she may be right.  I am not going to worry about it.

Well, things are not going to get done by themselves.  Off I go!

Walk Away

I am putting in a new walk way to my porch from the driveway.  I had it almost all dug up but had to quit because it got hot and the ground became hard as rock.  BUT it has rained for 2 days now....off and on...and the ground is ready to be dug up again and tomorrow is going to be cool. SO...I am going to finish it tomorrow. 

I went with my older sister to Ollie's yesterday and bought my flooring for my bedroom floor.  It is a flexible, self sticking vinyl plank.  I will be starting on it Friday, or Saturday.  I still have to finish filling in the screw holes in the walls and painting.  I will be glad to have it completed.  Getting the walkway done and the bedroom done will be two big things off my list of things to do.  The next thing is the railing up for my front steps.  I also need to repaint my porch which will be a one day job since I am going to put primer on it first, this time.  AND I need to put up my privacy screen by my back deck.   That should not take long.  Maybe a couple hours, max. 

Lynn, the newly widowed neighbor behind me, has made friends with Lucy, my dog.  She has a guy that mows and trims her lawn for $25 each time which is about once per week, or as needed.  He said he would mow my lawn for the same price, even though my yard is almost twice the size of hers.  I told him I if he can start that for me the beginning of August and until it no longer needs it in the fall, I would hire him.  It would be great to not have to worry about getting out and getting the lawn mowed while school is in session. 

I looked at another house.  It was 'yuck'.  My house is pretty nice! 

This Friday I have a second interview for a better paying online teaching job.  It is the job that I almost was hired for last year but they didn't have enough enrollment.  Now they do and I am going through the whole process again.  Last summer I had to drive to Columbus (3 hours away) for the 2nd F2F interview.   This year it is being done virtually using Google Hangouts.  I am cautiously optimistic.  Just because they wanted to hire me last year does not mean they want to hire me this year.   It would be great to know one way or the other before I have to sign my contract with my present employer.  I sure could use the extra money. 

I do not know what God has planned for me.  If it is not this job, I trust that He will provide something else. 

The gardens around my house have really blossomed this year.  So many pretty flowers!  And my tomato and pepper plants are growing really nice, too.  I am happy with the results of my labor last summer and this year, so far.  My mother says that I won't want to sell and move.  I do like my house...just not where it sits.  If God's plan is for me to move, I will.  So far, I have not found anything to give me a reason to move.

I have a friend from high school, who lives in Florida right now, coming to stay with me for a bit in mid-July so I have to work to have things completed by then.  It would be good to be done with making changes by then anyway so that I will have a little vacation left with no projects.  Just books to read.  And the ability to enjoy my deck. 

Lucy has had to make a visit to the vet.  She had a cyst on the back of one of her hind legs that burst.  I had a mess to clean up and get her to the vet.  The vet finished cleaning it out and shot her with anti-biotics and steroids.  If I had known about the reaction to the steroids I would not have allowed that shot.  She was miserable...drinking gallons of water, peeing profusely, eating constantly, and then..the worst part in my opinion...the night time heavy, labored breathing.  I had to google about the steroid shots given to dogs and the effects to find out that all of these things she was doing was side affects for the steroid shot. The vet assistant called me to find out how she was doing and I asked her how long this was supposed to go on.  She said it would last about 5 days.  I told her that the ONLY way I knew about these side affects was that I had to google it because no one had given me any indication of what to expect PLUS if I had been given that information ahead of time, I would have not allowed the steroid shot.  I actually said it very pleasantly and she apologized for their lack of follow through. 

I should say so.  Do.your.job.  That's all I ask.  Lucy did something outside today that cut it open again and I had to douse it with peroxide, clean it and cover it with anti-biotic cream to help it heal.  She was being her usually full of it self this morning.  Once she opened it up again, she has just been laying around today.  Not moving much.  I am sure it is sore again.  poor baby.