This is my family make up: My mom turns everything into a competition. No one has suffered more than she has and you should never expect to be allowed to have any feelings about anything.
My younger sister: She finds insulting people funny and she will share a problem with you only to tell you why any suggestions you give her for a solution will not work. My older sister: is always angry and has no problem telling you what is wrong with your thinking and what you do wrong and what/how you should do it as she sits there smoking her cigarettes and slowly becoming drunk. My brother can be very helpful if you need him but he also knows everything...seriously considers himself the expert on everything and everyone.
I answered the phone. My mom wanted to know if I wanted to drive through the park with her and dad to see the Christmas light display. I had sent a goofy meme to my youngest sister's phone last night and she picked this moment to make a comment. It was some insulting comment that she thought was funny. It irritated me. I made a comment to my mother about how my younger sister did that most of the time and it irritated me. She told me to let it go and started giving me some lecture...I cut her off...because now I am REALLY irritated and told her, "I don't walk around hanging on to some irritation all day long! I am just momentarily irritated by it!"
"Well it is what she does. Just let it go."
"I KNOW it is how she is but that doesn't mean I can't feel irritated by it."
"I had to put up with worse than you. You know I was the youngest of 7 siblings and I had to put up with a whole lot of insults and I never said anything."
By now I am wanting to scream because she has done it again...competition. I am not allowed to feel anything about anything because her life was worse.
"Maybe you SHOULD have said something! Maybe they did that because they thought you didn't get that they were insulting you because you didn't say anything!"
"It would have just made them mad and it wouldn't have changed anything."
Then my oldest sister sent me a snarky text because she was aggravated that mom had tried calling her and both me and the other sister had sent her texts before she had woken up and had her first cup of coffee.
O...M...G!!!! And I replied, "Well...geeeeez! Sorry. Have a fun day" and I have ignored her the rest of the day.
My son has gone out of his way today to thank me for trying to make his life easier. And he was being real. And it melted my heart that he noticed! I didn't do it for praise but the idea that someone notices what you are doing just every once in a while just makes you feel just a bit less invisible.
The language arts teacher I work with messaged me last night as she was finishing up grading writing assignments. She wanted to know if I was also a language arts teacher. I told her no, I am more of a math person however, writing came easy for me. I just need to do a refresher every year on the grammar stuff like dangling participles, etc.
She said that the other IS in our POD is not and there is a vast difference between the assignments that my SPED kids did compared to hers. I told her it was nice to hear that my pushing and instruction is doing something.
And I am having the HARDEST time making it through this holiday! I am just depressed and can't shake it. I am tired of crying. I do not know what I expect from my life. I feel stuck.
I do not like to think of myself as a victim. But perhaps Debbie B is right...I have a lot of mental/emotional baggage to take care. I can't blame it all on the marriage. It has been getting packed a little at a time all my life.
I didn't mention my dad. He doesn't say much but when he does...it is hurtful. So there...everyone is covered.
One thing I have learned...everyone's life is different. Cookie cutter counseling works for the majority but not everyone. In the end you have to know what works for you and you have to learn how to heal. You are responsible for yourself and your choices. I can listen to friends and family tell me their thoughts and their reactions. I can offer suggestions as to things that maybe are happening...a different perspective but I try very hard not to tell them they are wrong. It is not my life and perhaps it will work out for you. We have to make our own decisions for our own reasons and if it turns out to be a mistake...well...it is now a learning experience.
I am definitely making my own decisions. I have no one in my life to bounce things off of. Sure, I have family members and friends...but no one HERE. There is a difference.
Not sure I ever will again. I surely will not if I don't make some changes.
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