The Big Melt

 This week has been extremely stressful.  Along with all of the other problems...trying to write IEPs, teach classes, record extra help sessions, our school system going on the blink...the Language Arts teacher quit Thursday morning.  THEN the lawn guy showed up and I told him if he wanted to wait until he mowed the lawn of the woman behind me so that he could do them both at the same time, that was okay with me.  He left.  Then called me up 3 hours later yelling at me that I was just trying to save money so he wasn't going to mow my lawn anymore.  

He wouldn't let me talk.  He said he'd made up his mind and hung up.  It sent me into an emotional tailspin.  It was like major PTSD.  My mind goes spinning, my chest hurts and it lasted for the rest of the day and night...into the next day.  It took me until this afternoon to feel somewhat normal.  

Then I watched a show that had something going on in it that started it all up again.

I would love to 'get help' but I can't afford it.  I don't know if it would even help.  The whole thing worries me because I know that on my mom's side of the family they ended up in states of paranoia as they aged.  I am too young to be in that state yet but I could be sinking into it all ready.  

I sit here and start feeling badly that I am alone and don't see much of anyone and if I sat here and died I am not sure there would be anyone that would feel bad or miss me.  I know that isn't true because my family would.  But friends?  Who?  Susan and Debbie would miss me but probably not much.  We all have been so busy with new things in our lives and our jobs we haven't had much time to spend together.  I am hoping by October that will change a bit.

But I want to be loved...someone that would be so heartbroken if I died.  Someone whose life I would make a big hole in if I died.  

I also realized something else today.  I got out of the house and went to a very long garage sale.  It was a 60 mile long garage sale.  I think we went 10 miles.  I stopped at my parents' for a little bit.  Then came home.  I felt better.  I need to get out and have a group of people.  

I have to make sure I go to church on Sundays and Bible study on Wednesday night.  I need a group of people and out of my house.  My mental health depends on it.  

Diaper Genie

 I am buried.  IEPs are long...writing them.  When we get new students in our school we have to rewrite their Individual Education Plans within  30 days. When school STARTS, all new students with IEPs have a countdown from the first day of school.  I had 11 out of 20 students on my caseload that are new.  I also had one thrown in that is not new but his IEP was set to expire the 2nd week of school so I had to do his IEP first. Sarah, my friend and 6th grade IS had this student last year and she was SUPPOSED to redo his IEP in May. But she didn't.  She blew it off.  I won't get angry with her (frustrated maybe) because she has a pre-schooler at home with encephalitis.  

So right now I am finishing up the last of the IEPs I need for next week (5 of them) then I have 6 to have ready for the NEXT week.  Good thing we have Monday off and they cancelled all of our meetings on Friday.  There goes my life.  

To make life more interesting our online school system has taken a major crapper and the students can't get into their lessons.  The teachers are scrambling to give them things to work on that are not in our system.  I have a padlet that I set up and I am putting EVERYTHING on it for them.  I make a weekly  organizer that has all of the lessons for the week for each class, assignments, quizzes, etc.  I put class handouts, notes, extra help recordings, instructions on how to do things online, help sheets, etc.  I told the parents it is like a ONE STOP SHOP for anything they need...and can't find.  

AND...to make life just a BIT more interesting...at the beginning of all of this, I discovered that one of the students assigned to my caseload has most of his classes in the 8th grade.  I pointed this out to my Lead, Ashley. She said, I believe I sent you an email about that. He's in advanced classes.

hhhmmmm....So I retorted, "nope.  Not seeing that email.  I am curious as to how this student is 'advanced' when he has EVERYTHING on his IEP plus an IQ of 71."  *crickets*  "I will have to check on that."  I just knew that somehow I was going to get left to clean up that mess...holding the diaper and the box of wipes.

It went around and around.  Turns out this kid was put in 6th grade classes when he was in 5th grade...for everything but ELA.  Last year's 6th grade IS never said anything to Ashley about it and it just went along that way. The mom has been doing his work and his MAP tests for him so he gets great scores and grades so they advanced him...never mind that when he has to take state tests on his own his scores are in the toilet and let's ignore his IQ.  

Well, they bounced it around and around...at least Ashley and the Lead 8th grade teacher had the lovely 'discussion' with the mother about this BUT I get left to clean up the mess.  Or make a big dent in it. They want me to work with him on some basic Math problems from his 8th grade math class.  I am supposed to let the mother know he needs to work with me alone.  (is this possible for her to do?)  I asked them both when they would like me to do it...then I showed them my schedule for next week.  And explained that I have 5-6 more IEPs to write.  Ashley said to get it done when I can but the Lead teacher suggested that I leave MY kids in the lurch with their math class next Thursday and join her class to work with this kid.  Sure.  Let's just go ahead and do that.  

Some mess that someone conjured up 2 years ago...and WHY was I the one to discover the problem or just to say something about it?

I need a winning lottery ticket.  

TJ and Brit are still waiting on the word about whether or not they will get their loan for that house.  The inspection has been done but they are waiting for the underwriter.  I am praying something works for them.  

I just need to hang in there until Sept 18.  Then, after that, I will only have 1 IEP a week for the next month.  I am contemplating taking my birthday as a Personal Day off from school.  However, I may table that and wait to see if TJ and Brit get the house.  If they do, I will wait and take a personal day so that I can go see it and take some things down to them.  I may be able to load and take my push mower for them to use for a while.  I am not using it now that I have a guy that mows my lawn for me each week.  It is SO nice!  He has this HUGE commercial zero turn mower and he can finish it so VERY FAST!  It would take me almost 2 hours to mow and trim my lawn. He is done in about half an hour.  

Debbie called me on the way home from work last night.  She was laughing about how she flirted with a guy to get him to come and put a cap on her chimney (she finally moved in with her mom and is part way through the paperwork to get the house put in her name).  And she was flirting with the dad of one of her patients.  She said he didn't go for it but she was flirting.  I told her, "good for you!  I am not even sure I know how to do that anymore."  Or maybe it is just that I am not motivated to do so.

Susan's school has started back up...second week for them also. She said she is exhausted with this routine. She has also taken in her oldest son's dogs while he and his wife are in 2 different places waiting on the sale of their house to finish and the purchase of the new one to close.  He is living in a hotel room near his soon to be old job while his wife is living with her parents near her new job.  AND Susan has HER mom to take care of.  

My younger sister is exhausted every day too. Her school job is much worse because of the COVID business.  I told her that maybe it would be what she needs to lose the weight she wants to lose. She said, "you'd think so but no...haven't lost a pound."  I told her to give it about 3 weeks. 

I repeat:  I need a winning lottery ticket.  Oh Diaper Genie...if I rub you, will you give me the winning lottery ticket?  

Energizer Bunny, where are you?

I should have had the flooring down in the other bedroom by now.  It is almost 2 o'clock in the afternoon and I have barely moved.  I mean...other than a shower, cooking and downing 2 burritos, and playing a little with my dog.  It is so humid it is like breathing water.  And because of that, Lucy was only too happy to come in from the sunroom so I could shut the door and turn on the AC a little.  It's not that it is so very hot, the humidity just makes it hard to breathe.  I always let the AC run for a little bit to get some cool air circulating then I turn on  the fan.   It pretty much takes care of it all.

I will eventually get myself in that bedroom and start laying the flooring.  And I will kill myself to do it all before I pass out tonight.  Only because my son will be here Sunday afternoon and I have other things I need to accomplish before he gets here.

The neighbors next door had a party for some reason last night.  A middle of the week party.  It wasn't terribly large because the cars all fit in their driveway except 2...which parked on this side road but they parked way down past my driveway...not next to my porch.  They started about 6 so it was over by dark.  Lynn came across the back yard and in through my deck sliding glass door.  She said, "I am sure they see me come to your house and now BJ (the neighbor's airhead wife) will be miffed by it. I don't care. "  I mean...after all...they want everyone to think they are wonderful and I am the newcomer to the neighborhood...and the 'enemy' of sorts.  Neighborhood drama...ugh.

Lynn explained to me about the neighborhood politics and who lived where.  I also discovered that the guy that was principal of the school at which I did my student teaching also lives just down the road from me.   To tell you the truth I would not recognize him because I barely remember what he looks like.  Lynn is also friends with one of the teachers I student taught with.

Sometimes I like being back in a smaller world and sometimes....not so much.

I like meeting new people sometimes.  I like having friends to do things with once in a while.  I just don't like people bothering me all of the time.  I am not sure which Lynn will be.  Frankly, I am pretty sure she won't bother me a lot. She DID say that she wants to take me with her to the Elks Club down the road for dinner and drinks and so that I can meet other people in the area.  This is the second time someone wanted to take me to the Elks Club.  I am not really sure what the significance of that whole place is.  I am not good with CLUBS.  I am not big on organized things like that.  Too many rules and weird regulations make me itch.

But once she mentioned she was a member of the Elks club, I got a little excited because I thought maybe I would find out what happened to my HS friend, Nancy. I described to Lynn where Nancy had lived...just 4 doors down the road from me, right before the Elks Club.  Lynn said, "Oh, did she have an alterations business?" yes.  She said some of the women dropped things off for Nancy to do but she had not really come to the club much.  Her husband was a member and they had not been married very long when she just died suddenly.  There evidently was never an explanation.  Considering there was not ever an explanation other than she died suddenly...it gives me the sinking feeling that she had attempted suicide again, and this time she did not fail.  I would rather not jump to conclusions but Nancy had battled depression for years.  She had attempted it once and her first husband foiled her attempt.

Me knowing how she died, exactly, will not change the fact that she is dead.  I certainly did not elaborate to Lynn anything about Nancy's past or anything else about her.  It would serve no purpose.

I did learn about Lynn's first husband and his descent into severe OCD mental illness and his refusal for help. So, she had divorced him.  Then she told me about the second husband that she met after moving to the neighborhood and the other 2 women in the neighborhood that 'attacked' her once Carmen (the sought after widower) started dating her.  yep...drama.  I guess this stuff is good to know in order to help navigate the terrain around here but if it had been a show on Netflix I would have passed it up by now.

I drank a half bottle of wine last night.  I couldn't seem to stop because it has been quite a while since I had any and it really tasted good.  Lynn drank the other half of course and she meandered back home.  I am pretty sure that half of bottle of wine is the reason I have no ambition today.  It is the reason I have not had wine in quite a while.

Today I just want to read and chill.  Maybe I won't get that floor done tonight.  We'll see.

I was thinking this morning about how much more confident I feel about being me...on the inside.  I am not so confident about my outer self but I can't seem to muster enough 'oomph' to do much about it.  I can get myself to do everything but WORK to slim down. I was not impressed by my house guest, Vicky, and her eating habits because of that sleeve she had put on her stomach.  I know it is great for some people but I really don't want to have to do that.  However, on the other hand, I am not wanting to do much of anything anyway.

One thing I am going to do it get off of here and read my book...