One Step Forward, One Step Backward

I either am not really ready for dating or I just did not find the right guy to date.  I think I should probably get one thing settled in my life before I try to take on something else.  That one thing I need to get settled is the job.  Taking on another person in my life is just too much of an anxiety for me.

I cancelled on Brian today.  I cancelled on Dan last night.  I keep putting Jim off and I should just tell them all I am not ready yet.  I made a mistake.  I am just afraid of another person in my life telling me what I am doing wrong.

On the bright side, I got some grades back on some more of my papers:  100%, 94% and 93%.  I have 3 more grades to get back.  And in the meantime, I am going to make myself be more proactive this next week.  I am making a list of what I am going to do and on what day.  A WRITTEN list.  I have been carrying it around in my head and it looks overwhelming swimming around up there.

I am not entirely sure I am done with menopause...or there is something else going on.  I will randomly get really really hot and break out in a sweat.  I think I am going to just spontaneously combust!  Then it goes away.  Maybe God has heard my prayer to melt the fat off of me and that is what He is doing...turning up the heat to melt the fat!!!  LOL

Okay.  Back to the book, the reading, vacuuming, laundry, applications (I am still getting job notices everyday).  But not back to the dating.  That is a big NO for now.  At least I keep trying. 

Here is the thing with my life that I don't get....nobody is perfect.  We all do wrong.  But when I do something that isn't right, I apologize for it.  Or I ask God for forgiveness...it depends on what it is.  Then I try not to do it again. However, and this could be because I pick the wrong people to open up to and trust, I do not get an apology.  I am sick and tired of people making me out  to be so much more worse than I am.  And, no, this is not anything recent but I carry hurt for a long time.  Especially after I have trusted people with who I am...my thoughts, and secrets and then they turn around and use it against me.  I guess I will just not do that anymore.  Not trust.  (I know you are reading this and you know who you are.  Shame on you.   Oh...you have it all right)