Weary

I am going to MAKE myself meet this Brian guy.  Not sure I am doing the right thing.  I don't feel excited or...anything.  I realized that I feel nothing. 

I feel like after the last 25 years I am emotionally drained.  I am not sure I will ever feel anything again.  Even worse, I'm not sure I care.  Do I need a guy to tell me he loves me?  Do I need a guy to look at me and tell me he thinks I am pretty?  Or that he likes my weirdness? 

Frankly, I am kinda feeling like I don't care.

I have wrapped my head around my class stuff and looking forward to the next 2 weeks after this.  I let 'the final move' and anxiety over a job take over my head too much and now it is crunch time with my classes.  I take small breaks here and there to try and give my brain something else to think about once in a while.  I vacuum a room (for some reason I get good ideas when I vacuum) or I make a quick phone call to one of my sisters.  They understand and can keep the conversation short.  My mother, not so much.  I won't be talking to her quite so much this week.

Next week is filling up.  One afternoon is a 'study session' with Dianne about the new school teaching standards and common core and IEPs.  Then there is the breakfast meet with Brian and on to my younger sister's house for a visit.  Then there is the lunch with Pam.  We are going to a Mom and Pop restaurant here in town that I have never tried out. 

I told my son about the YouTube videos concerning Marriage and relationships by Jim and Karen Evans.   They are excellent and told him that I think he and Brittany should watch those NOW and try to pre-empt any problems before they get married.  He said they watched 2 of them last night and then discussed things.  He said it really helped them talk about things and get a different understanding.  I told him that if there is something that will help them be a better couple and not have to go through what his father and I have gone through then it is something they need to stick with.

Bethany and Jordan got signed up for their classes.  He has an extra class his first semester that she doesn't have to take for some reason.  And they have different math classes because she tests better at math than he does.  They decided to take their classes at the main campus and were able to get all but one of them scheduled for Tues/Thur.  She will have a bit of a wait in between a couple of classes while he is in class but she says that is fine because she will do her classwork so she doesn't have to do it at home.   I told her I did that one semester...got all of my classes into 2 days.  But I was taking more hours in one semester than she is.  She has 12...I was taking 17.  It just about killed me.  The break between Thur and the next Tues was great BUT if I had classwork from Tues that was due on Thur my Wednesday was intense.  She will be fine.

Troy still passes through my mind from time to time.  Just wonder how he is.  But that really is it.  It is amazing to me that I really don't feel any anger or ANYTHING when I think of him.   It is good...but amazing.  I still feel some sadness every now and then with the knowledge that I didn't get my happy family unit that I worked so hard for...but...it was what it was and it could have been worse. 

Now...back to it.  And IT is making me tired.  LOL