True Colors

Today was not how I had planned.  It never is but today was even MORE unplanned.  First the sink started backing up.  So, I quickly took care of that then I noticed something wrong with the fridge.  The freezer...things were not so frozen.  Crap!  The condenser that I had replaced less than 2 years ago quit.  damn it!  So I started moving things down to the freezer in the basement and thankfully the weather is really cold so I put a lot of the food in the fridge in a box and took it out to the sunroom where it can be kept cold.

Then I took to the internet to consider my options.  I could have Sears repair come here and hook up another condenser (and that job takes the good portion of the day, it seems).  It would be cheaper than a new fridge.  BUT, if it turns out they don't have all the parts they need then it could mean ordering parts and waiting ...and there is only a 90 day warranty on the thing working!  If I remember correctly, last time they quoted me a price tag of close to $800.

So then, I look for fridge sales.  I found a fridge for $900.  Not exactly like the one I have now, slightly smaller and it is a side by side with the indoor water and ice dispenser.  Bethany and I use a lot of ice and drink a lot of water.  And since it is just the two of us a slightly smaller fridge could be okay.  The one I have now would be very costly to replace with an identical one.  The one I have has the freezer drawer on the bottom.  And the ice maker is inside.  I don't care about that but...I am not fixing this fridge again only to have it go up on me right before I sell the house.  My mom and dad have had the same side by side fridge for years with no problems. Sometimes new fangled is not necessarily better.  So, I took the plunge with the new fridge. There goes my Christmas bonus and my Christmas money from my parents...and then some.

The TV started acting up.  It does this blinking thing when you turn it on.  It will eventually quit but now is the time they are having TV sales too.  I don't want to wait until the TV finally takes a dump.  Didn't want the expense of another TV but ...I ordered one and now I have that to make payments on too.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

Since I can't sleep, Bethany stayed up and talked with me until 4 a.m.  We had a good talk.  We got the air cleared about a lot of things.  One thing I have been feeling kind of crappy about it wondering how she feels when I talk about selling this place and moving back up north. She said it will be weird not having me around but she has had time to process it and it is not as if I am just leaving her abruptly. She has Jordan and they work things out pretty well.  I think TJ and Brit are going to be fine, also.  She said she will IM with me, phone me, text me, etc. like I do with TJ.  I will at least have a place for them to come take mini vacations.  It will be fine.

I realized I am in a holiday depression.  I have tried denying it but it is here.  I look at the tree and think about the family Christmases.  And remember the feeling it brought me.  But now it is different because I know that he didn't really love me and it puts a different color on it all.  I loved how Christmas was because he was always at his best.  There was music and traditions and anticipation.  When it came to an end I always had that expectation that there would be many more and one day, our kids would be married and we may have grandkids to share Christmas with....

But it is all different.  I hate that I am depressed by it.  It makes me feel weak.  Even though I know it is a process that everyone goes through.  I hate that my life with him was filled with so much change.

I grew up in the same home. Every year was the same thing.  Well...my parents expanded on Christmas through the years but it was still the same.  You knew what to expect.  With us the Christmas was in so many different places.  One Christmas we had the dread of our son's trial looming over our heads.  Because of a girl that wanted to find a way to put him in jail because she was angry that he had rejected her.

One Christmas we thought their dad was gone for good...drugged up on crack.  But he showed up right before Christmas and it was a mottled thrown together Christmas as it was.  I didn't have much money for presents so I did the best I could.

He tried to make up for it after that.  He bought them way more than they needed.  Looking back, now, I am not sure he was trying to make up for that or if he would have done it anyway because he likes to spend money at Christmas.

I cannot see what my future is going to be like.  I cannot see me with anyone else.  I imagine me alone.  I may like the person I found within me, again, but I don't know if I have a heart to share anymore.  Trust is such a delicate, fleeting thing.  I am not even sure I trust myself, let alone someone else.

I watched the last part of 'Serendipity" with Bethany.  I told her I loved that movie at one time because I believed in it.  Now I think it is a stupid story.

My perspective on life, in general, has changed.  Everything is a different color.

Deafening Quiet

I can't sleep.  Most nights.  I am exhausted.  I crawl into bed, read, then as my eyes start to close, I turn off the light and snuggle under the covers then it hits me.  My mind does a tour of this house.  From room to room.  Down the hallways.  There is nobody but me.

Bethany spends most of her time at work or at Jordan's.  It is just me.  Sure, there's 3 dogs.  But no other humans but me.

I think back to my youth, my much younger years.  I had many dates.  Many boyfriends.  How ironic that I ended up by myself. 

During the day, I am busy.  I don't notice my aloneness.  But at night...the emptiness mocks me.  It pokes at me.

It wasn't so long ago the kids had friends that came and practically stayed for the weekend.  The dinner table was full.  Now...I am here in this house...alone. 

I know I am not helping myself by being such a recluse.  I don't know why I can't make myself get out there. 

I hope that will change within me someday. 

My kids have a whole lifetime ahead of them.  They can have their own families.  Fill their homes. 

I could handle the empty nest syndrom if I wasn't doing it alone.  I was prepared for them leaving.  And I am good with 'him' gone.  I just didn't realize that 'alone' would be so difficult.

TJ and Brit dropped the purchase of the double wide manufactured home.  Too many things weren't working.  But they found a really nice 2 bdrm apartment to move into.  His dad is going to be in the area and is going to help do some moving.
So...there's that.  Yay. 

He is a stranger to me now.  25 years of marriage and 2 kids.  He's a stranger.  When it hits you that he never really cared...it alters everything.

Appetizers and Drinks

I finally got out of the house last night.  Jean contacted me and said we needed a night out.  So we met up at Applebee's and had appetizers and drinks.  Neither one of us were in the mood for a real dinner.  Then we ordered the Blonde but ate only half of it.  Should have not ordered that.

Through education we have both been able to get through a lot of our hurt suffered at the hands of the ones we had married.  Nothing is personal with a Narcissist because they have no feelings...nothing deep and meaningful.  Because of that they cannot have real relationships and that is why nothing they do is personal.

We both discussed, though, that we still had a knot of bitterness that we needed to work through.

I could not sleep well.  I fell asleep about midnight and was awake at 4 with heartburn...thanks to the Blonde.  Too much sugar gives me heartburn.

But since I was awake, I did some contemplating and talking to God.  I do not want to be a bitter person.  It gets in the way of being a real Christian.  It gets in the way of me healing and being the best me I can be.

Then it occurred to me...nothing is personal.  Jean and I both struggled with the fact that we had done everything right yet we got dumped on.

So, let's go back to those bracelets that everyone wore not too long ago...WWJD.  I am not comparing myself to Jesus but you do have to compare your life to what Jesus would do.  Jesus did everything right.  And he was persecuted and killed.

So THEN it occurred to me:  I DID do everything right.  God guided me and was with me.  I was just aligned with a personality disordered person that there didn't seem to be any fix for.  I am not saying that God can't 'fix' him, but it will be a minor miracle.  However, I should not walk away bitter.  I did everything right.  I am not the mentally messed up one.  I was just living with a mental patient and I got the blow back.  God has helped me through it.  He is helping me everyday.

Therefore, I should not be bitter.  I can lament that I did not have a happy marriage and I ended up in a divorce but...I can also look forward to a better future.

I do not know what is down the road but I know it will be something good.

I have decided that I really need to step up efforts to do something about my body weight.  It makes me unhappy.  So I really need to concentrate on that now that my mental and emotional self is doing better.

****************
As far as family, Bethany is still doing her thing at college.  She is trying to figure out which direction she wants to take as she will eventually go on to get her Bachelor's Degree.  She is thinking about research.  I hope she figures it out.  I told her to pray on it and she will receive direction.

Brit started a new job as a Pre-K teacher's assistant and she said she really liked it.  It may help her make her decision about getting a certification in Early Childhood Education.  Luckily that is only a 2 year degree.

TJ is doing his job and writing a book. I do not know what the book is about because he has not shared that much with me.

They also have started the paperwork to buy the big 2 bedroom manufactured house.  It has 2 bathrooms and a large kitchen.  He says they will be more relaxed there and can be in that place for at least the next 5-6 years while they save for a house.  Even if they start a family, they have the extra bedroom and a yard for the kid to play in.  The moving part is what is going to be tricky.  They have to be out of their apartment by the first full weekend in January.  At least I will not be the only one moving them this time.  Brit's dad and step brother will be helping.

As Good As It Gets

Work, Work and more work.

My job takes up so much of my time and yet I feel like I am always behind.  It stresses me out.

It stresses me out looking at my bank account before paying my bills.  I, as of yet, have had any issues but it stresses me out anyway.  It has for YEARS!!!  I do not know what my problem is.

You would think I would have given the financial thing over to him when we were married.  I made that mistake once and he ended up draining the accounts to buy drugs then drove us into bankruptcy.

Then that created a whole new set of problems for me to work through while trying not to lose what was left of my mind.

Daughter in law was offered a few jobs.  She chose one and the second day she was there she was bitten by a kid.  On her way home from that job, another place called her and offered her a job as a Pre-K teacher assistant...for more money.  No brainer...she took it.  She doesn't start that job until the end of this next week.

They are still trying to work out a place to live.  I can't even think about it.

I had 2 thanksgivings.  One the night before with my son, DIL and daughter.  My son had to be in studio by Thanksgiving afternoon for 8 hours so we did it early.  I did not mind since I had the day off anyway.  I did cheat on the pies this year.  I bought them made and all I had to do was bake them.

On Thanksgiving Day I had a more vegetarian Thanksgiving with Jordan and Bethany.  Jordan was able to eat some turkey...just no sweet potatoes, potatoes or stuffing.  I made mashed cauliflower, squash, green beans, broccoli and everyone was quite stuffed.  Bethany and I added some stuffing and cranberry relish to our plates.

It was nice having that time to sit and have some good conversation with them all.

I need to force myself out of the house.  I am becoming not wanting to leave the house.  This is not good for me.  I am becoming a recluse and depressed.  ugh.  I do NOT want to be that person!

Pass the Umbrella

Just when you think things are working out to a point where you have breathing room.  Then something happens that puts your faith to the test.  Can you live the example?

I got up late yesterday.  Guess I shut the alarm on my phone off in my sleep.  Then I was having technical issues logging into my work email and account.  Then the first parent I called was pissy with me.  Ok...suck it up.  Shake it off.  Which I did.

This morning I woke up with a sore throat, earache, body aches...time to use my flonase and sudafed.  Green tea and honey helped. 

The morning was going along ok then my son called to tell me his wife lost her job.  That is a whole story in itself but don't say anything about your employer on FB, especially if they are immature hillbillies. 

Brit was looking for another job but was hoping to keep this one until she had something else lined up.  TJ was stressed out over bills and money as it was.  Over the weekend I had bought him the part he needs to fix his car and gave them some money for groceries. 

They were looking to buy a manufactured home in an upscale park in a good school district.  I was going to scrape together some money to help with the down payment.  His dad is kicking in a good amount. 

Now this.  AND the cherry on top of my day...when Bethany came home and closed the garage door...one if the springs broke.  $180 tomorrow.  

So...prayer.  Trust.  Faith.  Somehow...He will fix it.

Take Care

How does one TAKE care?  Is it impolite just to TAKE it?  Is it laying out in the open and you snatch it when no one is looking?  I am not sure I would know 'care' if I saw it, therefore, I do not know what I should be taking...

Okay.  Those 2 words just started bothering me.  It doesn't sound right.

I spent 4 days 'back home'.  I took the last 3 days of the floating vacation I had from last Jan.-June that I had not used and shut it down.  Well...I did not shut it down totally.  My work email pops up on my phone and Thursday and Friday I got quite a bit.  Ppl did not know I was on vacation and I was not allowed to put an auto reply on it BECAUSE I was not supposed to be on vacation.  I had vacay days left over because there was a screw up...a happy screw up.  Normally, the floating vacations should have been used up before August.  I had saved a week to use in July.  Then the beginning of June they announced that we were going to be given 3 out of 4 weeks off in July with pay.  But we HAD to work one week in July.  No problem except I had a week of vacay and nowhere to put it.   Heidi told use we could sprinkle it throughout the fall BUT we could not show it on our time sheets and we could not put a notice on our answering machine or in our email.  So...I got lots of emails with coworkers asking me things that I could not leave them hanging about.  Cuz...I couldn't.

ANYWAY, I had a good time.  It seemed relaxing.  My daughter and her boyfriend were there Thursday and part of Friday.  My son and his fiancee were there Friday-Sunday.  Thursday my parents, Bethany, Jordan and I went out to the Pymatuning Lake park, which is just across the PA line.  It has a fish hatchery and the large mouth bass are so plentiful, the mallard ducks walk on them.
The scenery is beautiful.  We spent the large part of the day driving through the countryside and we stopped at an Amish store.  Ended the excursion at the Covered Bridge pizza parlor (it really is made out of an old covered bridge).  The next morning, TJ, Bethany, Jordan and I went to a new coffee house that had opened.  It IS a house.  And old one that no one wanted to buy because it is supposedly haunted.  So a church bought it and turned it into a coffee house from which they use the profits to stock their free food pantry.  The coffee was strong enough to fuel your motor for a week.  I like my coffee strong but that was...too much.

Later, Bethany and Jordan headed for home with a stop at a comedy club in Columbus on the way home.  TJ and Brittany went out to dinner with an old school buddy of TJ's.  I went out to dinner with an old school friend of mine.  I have known her since kindergarten.  She is excited for me to move back towards home.  She is the one whose husband died 2 weeks after I was officially divorced.
She and I had a good time.  We had SO many years to catch up on!!

Saturday, TJ, Brittany, my parents and I headed out for the Covered Bridge festival.  We visited  few covered bridges.  At one of them I met up with another old school friend (friends since 4th grade) and it was really great seeing her!  She also got excited that I will be 'back home' in a couple of years and has started planning things we can do together.  And then at the actual Festival in the town of our county seat I ran into yet another childhood friend (since 6th grade).  She lives in Florida now...remarried after the love of her life died from cancer.  She was helping out a friend that was running the festival.  She was driving by on a golf cart, delivering things to booths, etc.  She had slowed down by me and I yelled, VICKY!  She saw me, stopped and yelled, JUMP IN!  which I did and off we went.  She made me promise to come down and visit in the spring....free room and board and a visit to see the Manatees.  She also told me that she had always admired me...that I seemed so smart and confident and had so many friends.  Me?  Are we talking about the same person?  I told her that I was a big ball of anxiety ALL the time and never felt like I was all that close with anyone.  Funny how our perception of ourselves never really matches up with that of others.

I felt a big boost of...happiness?  I am not sure what the feeling was but it was mixed with surprise/amazement.  A friend said, "you are actually pretty kewl once the noises from his rhetoric and demeaning escapes your head".  I read that and the very first thought that popped up in my head was, "It started long before HIM." and I was shocked that I had thought that.  Then...it was clear.

My parents are marvelous ppl.  They are hard workers and have always been there for their kids.  They have sacrificed to make sure we had a good life and were well taken care of.  However...on the flip side...they are super critical of everyone around them.  They like no one because no one is perfect.  Us kids grew up realizing that no matter who we are, what we do, we are never going to live up to what they expect and we will never make them happy.

It was right then..in that moment I realized I have been walking on eggshells and dancing around the edge of that volcano all my life.

When I got ready to leave...TJ and Brittany had just left before me...my parents, who had seemed happy to visit with their grandkids...cornered me and told me that they are too old to handle all of the comings and goings.  We stayed too long.  It nerves them up and then...I heard it.  THEY are not used to Brittany and she makes them uncomfortable.  OF COURSE she does.

My mother has never liked anyone that is not immediately part of her family.  Heck, she barely seems to like US.  Brittany could not have been nicer or tried harder.

I left there and felt crappy all the way home and the next day, which was the last day of my vacay.  And my conclusion?  'Screw it".  They have only gotten worse with age.  I appreciate the life they gave me growing up but they have messed with my head and my perception of myself.  My mother criticized my friends, my wardrobe, and if I gained weight.  She made remarks to all of us girls about our weight when we were in elementary school because we were all chubby then. It was embarrassing to her because she felt that her sisters made fun of us. We could never have friends over because she could not stand all of the giggling.  She and dad bickered constantly and I had to joke around just to lighten the mood for everyone and make them stop.

And heaven forbid if you ever did anything that went sideways with her...she would complain and yell about it ALL DAY.

Then...I married a male version of that.  And my kids lived through it with him.  The difference...I was their cheerleader.  I bolstered them and guided them and never made them feel badly about their chubbiness when they were younger...I let them experiment with hair and clothes styles...I let them try things and QUIT if they didn't like it.  I am sorry but I do NOT always agree with 'if you join, you can't quit...or you are a loser.'  I believe that at a young age, they should have the freedom to TRY things. That is how they LEARN who they are and what they like!  If you tell them  they have to stick with it and can't quit, then they will be more hesitant to join ANYTHING.

But that is just me.  I also took the time to DO things with them.  So what if my house was not spotless.  To this day, my mother's house is a museum.  She works herself to the bone to make sure it is perfect.  And it makes ME nervous.

I am glad that I do not live near them.  My mother would hate my place.  And now, I will listen to the voices of the friends that I met up with last weekend.  No longer will I dance around the edge of that volcano for my parents or anyone else.  I am me.  And I am not so bad.  I kinda like me.

Stranger Things

I look back at this week and I wonder....how did I do that?  And I am not done yet.

I have managed this week to squeeze in exercise into little slivers.  My job has been crazy busy and has taken up lots of my time...past the 8-5.  I start by 7 in the morning and have stayed on top of things with my One Note...phone calls, follow up with teachers, keep check ups with students that I could release, and take on new cases.  I think Holly and Lisa have had quite a laugh over how they keep trying to give me new case loads to get me to my full load of 40 kids but I keep releasing other students from my list so that the most they can find my list at is 28.  I actually had one grandmother that has been taking care of the schooling with her grandsons cry when I released them from having engagement support.  She cried because she was thrilled to hear from me that they have come a long way, she is doing a great job with them and they finally seem to have everything on track. They seem to have been struggling for the last year but I worked with her and kept nudging them in the right direction and they finally go things on track.  She thanked me over and over for having the patience to work with her.  (It's my job)  It made me feel good.  I have had many parents thank me which makes up for the nasty ones.

Along with the regular job, had to sit in on a one-on-one with a Intervention Specialist and a student.  It is part of my final class project.  Kind of difficult to believe that I only have 2 more weeks of this class.  Then I begin the second one and by Dec. 9  will be 1/3 of the way done with my classes.  I know I am getting ahead of myself but the idea that I am almost done with the first class already is kind of amazing to me.

In the meantime, I am trying to keep up with my job and this classwork.  Each week it is 2 chapters and 3 assignments.

PLUS this week, I made some decorations for my DIL to use to decorate the apartment for my son's bday.  At first his dad had told her that he would help...then she didn't hear anything from him. So she texted him and he said, "sorry...thought I texted you."  typical  "I couldn't find anything other than costumes."  She texted me about it and I got to looking.  I made some suggestions and bought the stuff to MAKE the decorations.  She wanted a Harry Potter theme because she had bought him a Harry Potter wand remote control (they are such nerds).  So in less than 4 hours I made a Sorting Hat and a Dementor for her to hang from the light over the diningroom table.    The Sorting Hat cost me about $6 worth of materials.  They sell those things for $30.  The Dementor was easier and way less time consuming and cost me $6.50.  It was less than half the price of one already made.

I managed to take some time off yesterday and go to the Lebanon Apple Festival with my younger sister.  I was 4 hours out of my life and it was just what I needed.  Today I am taking a few hours to go to our town Mum Festival with my daughter before she goes to work.  Then...I have homework to finish and a lawn to mow.  Yay me.

Then...Monday...hopping right back into it.  I have to make sure I stay on task with my job and within the time frame because I need to make sure I get my final project worked on a little every day so that I am not breaking my back over trying to get it done all at once.

I am actually looking forward to Winter this year...because I don't want to have to keep working on the lawn while doing my job and classwork.  My second class in the Spring and first class of the summer will be a challenging too because of yardwork.

However...one thing at a time.

This last week on my job, 2 of families that I was trying to work with had visits. One had a visit from the Compliancy officer.  Another case of the grandmother taking care of the kids and trying to take care of their schooling.  He came back and told us he is suggesting they be withdrawn.  He said he walked into the house, the kids were just watching TV and not doing any school work (they haven't for 2 weeks) and there was pot on the coffee table that she didn't even try to hide.

The next kid had not done ANY school work since school started. We had no way of getting in contact with the parent because his email address seemed to be wrong and his phone seemed to be disconnected.  An email we finally got from the dad through the daughter's email address said something about him being mentally ill and sick in bed and the student was helping him.  My boss sent a Well Child Check to the house...that means a visit by a police officer.  It turns out, the student had gotten into her father's school parent account and changed his email address and deleted his phone number.   However, my question is this...WHERE was the dad?  He even admitted that he thought it was strange he had not heard anything from the school. And he wasn't checking the daughter's work?  Because if he had he would have seen that she had done nothing.  He said he and her mom needed to talk over the weekend about whether or not they needed to consider a different schooling option for her.  I told him he had until first thing Monday morning.

I am just more thankful for my kids.

Craziness.

Fuss and Such

Where do I begin?  I want this to be a post I write because things are going great.  Some things are okay.  Other things...just cause sadness/anxiety...and I really should pray more about it all.  I have faith but it most times goes hand in hand with patience.

My vision problem bothers me.  More and more every day.  I can't afford to go to the retina specialist.  I wish I could.  Even at that, laser surgery bothers me.  I could swallow my pride and use a 'go fund me' account but isn't that like saying I don't have faith in God?  And who wants to rely on the kindness and generosity of strangers?

My son seems to have some rheumatoid arthritis in his back...at 26.  I think a lot of his back pain could be alleviated with stretching and exercise but he complains he doesn't have time...and I can get that.  I gave him that tenz unit I had at the house.  It was really his anyway.  The chiropractor that was GOOD that I took him to when he was in his teens and suffered from a mild scoliosis prescribed it and our med. insurance paid for it.  I told him to use it 1 to 2 times a week and I gave him a tube of Icy Hot with Lidocain in it.  I use that on occassion when my nerves in my body are on high alert...like yesterday.

Fibromyalgia.  The other part of that is not just the nerve pain.  It is fighting the depression that comes with it.  Life should not have to be such a battle all of the time.  I know there are other people that have it worse and I try to remind myself of that  but knowing that I am in better physical condition that others doesn't always cut it.  It just cuts the pity party short.

I realized that I should not whine over my position at this point because I am here because of choices I made.  All along the way.

My younger sister is in a position with finances that keeps her awake at night too.  I am afraid, from the way her husband sounds and acts, that she may end up in the same position I am in someday.  Hopefully, not.

My son's car is acting up also.  He has not paid of the personal loan he took out for it.  I told him that I can find him a newer, better car for about the same price he paid for that one and he can take out a car loan for it and not have to pay full insurance coverage on his car AND the loan could be stretched out over 4-5 years instead which would lower his monthly payments to give him some wiggle room when he needs it.  I would have to pay off what he still owes on his personal loan, of course.

He needs a different job.  It is a good starter job but he is not going to make it with this job forever.

I need a better paying job...me.  I need one that pays like Douchebag's does.  I chose the wrong profession.  However, IF I had stayed where I was instead of choosing to pick up and move and follow him from job to job, place to place and kept my teaching job, I could have been making really good money by now and ready to retire.  couldashouldawoulda

Oh...the choices one makes.

At least my daughter seems okay for right now.  She just turned 21.  I am not sure about her future with what she has chosen to do...but I will fuss over that another day.  I need to concentrate on my classwork and get it done.

Past My Bedtime

Right now I am hanging on for Dec. 9.  Why? That is when my big month long break between my 2nd and 3rd class begins.  I am only on week 4 of this class and already I want a break.

By Dec 9 there is no more yard work and I get a break from classes...so that when my 2 week Winter break hits guess what this girl is doing....NOTHING!!!  I will let the dogs in and out, feed them, and vacuum up after them.  There is also that pesky thing known as laundry but Bethany can help with that.  I am going to read a BOOK...paper.  No computer.  I am even going to limit my FB time.

I went to the eye doctor to get my eyes checked out really well, get new contacts and lenses for my frames.  I like my frames.  They are just the right  shape, color and just heavy duty enough.  I just needed new lenses.

I also had a concern with my left eye that the doctor needed to check out.  I have been find a little bit of a field of vision problem.  I was afraid of my retina detaching (I had a flashing light for few days in my peripheral vision...but it stopped) and there is something missing...just a very small, tiny bit.  I was worried about macular degeneration.  Well, I was partly right.  It is my macula...there is a tiny hole. The eye doctor said it is very tiny but it is what is causing me to find a very small missing bit.  If I am ready smaller print, and, for instance, I am looking at a 3 letter word, the middle letter is 2/3 missing.

She sent me home with a chart to use to monitor if the missing bit gets bigger or smaller. She said it COULD heal on its own.  But I have to visit her again in a month...and she will not charge me...so she can look at it to see if it has gotten any better or worse.  She said I would need to see a retina specialist and have a 3D image done of the inside of my eye then they may decide to repair it with laser surgery, if it needs to be fixed.

I am praying for healing.  I can't afford the surgery.

My mother had a scare with skin cancer.  But it turned out that they caught it soon enough to burn it all out.  But she is deaf in her left ear now.  Something about a nerve...*sigh*

I have had to do some hustling this week for my classwork.  I have to observe an IEP meeting and submit a paper about it.  It is due this Sunday and every IEP meeting I was ok'd to sit in on turned out it wasn't going to happen because the parents could not be reached.  I FINALLY found an IS that was having one tomorrow and she got the parents' ok .  So WHEW!  I also have had to scrape up an IS I can work with to do some work with some kids on intervention techniques.

I wouldn't mind working on these projects then writing the papers about it and handing them in except that we still have 2 chapters to read a week and write a discussion piece then read everyone else's and comment on them, plus we have a unit of another thing to read every week and do an assessment.

I keep getting new student cases to work with on my job.  Each day Holly feeds me another 2-3 students.  I am thankful to One Note!  It keeps me organized.  I am keeping on top of all of these students right now.  Of course, it helps that 2 of my cases are on their way to withdrawal and 2 more I am waiting for the Special Education department to test them to make sure their disabilities do not have anything to do with them not doing their lessons.  Once they decide that is not the case, then I can dig in and bring the hammer down.

I also have 4 students that I am basically keeping track of how many days they have until I can hand them over to the Truancy officer and have them shoved out the 'door'.  They will not communicate with the teacher or me, they are not logging their students in and the students are not doing lessons.  So...bye.

I have a few that have decided that following school requirements is better than fighting the state over truancy.

And tomorrow (actually, today, now) I have To Do List for my job, I have the IEP meeting, lawn mowing, vacuuming, and my classwork to do.

Oh...and before Douchebag the Magnificent left town, he had handed me checks for the kids' bday this month.  Just checks.  Tuesday night I checked my personal email and found an email from him and he asked me if I was buying Bethany a card (to put his name on and his check in) or if he should send her a card?  REALLY???  Why in God's name would I buy a card FOR HIM to be given to her?  I just answered,"I was just going to give her the check"  Today I found an email from him that said, "You can buy a card or I could send it or you can just give her the check."  I did not reply.  I had already given him my answer.  If he wants to send her a card, he should do that.  If he is too feckin lazy to get her one, so be it.  I am not his momma.  And I do NOT want to communicate with the douche.  He has never had any respect for me so why the hell would I held him out?  BITE ME!

Okay...I got that out of my system.  Time to get some sleep.  I also have to find some time to do my exercising.  I have been doing it every day for the last 4 days and I am making myself do it  I kinda have to now because I am signed up in this weight loss online medical thing paid for by my employer and my hospitalization.  We have to log our exercise every day and keep track of our weight once a week.  We are in an online group once a week.  My group meets on Tuesdays at 6 pm.  I have to do something.  I have worked on finding myself esteem and grit.  Now I need to work on finding my thinner body again.  It will never be as thin as I was in my 20's but it can be closer to it.  I have 75 pounds to lose.  Yep...75.  If I wanted to be where I was in my 20's I would have 95 pounds to lose.  I am not trying that.  LOL

A Little Bit of Class

This has been a week and a half.  And it is not over yet.

This week, as far as my job went, I pissed off a whole lot of parents that are too lazy to get their kids on the computer and doing their work.  I started off the year working with the families that were 'having problems' at the end of the year.  We were hoping to find some that were willing to change their ways.  I did manage to find 7.  But the ones I have left are struggling.  Badly.  At this point there is one that is looking as if he will be withdrawn by the end of the week.   The others may shape up long enough to be let go from my support period.  But they will fall back into their old bad patterns, half of them...and I will be end up ushering them out after another 6 weeks.

Now...as far as my classwork...my continuing education...I am almost caught up after losing my first week to registration snafus.  4 chapters and 2 papers in 5 days.  I still have 2 quizzes to take and those need to be done by midnight tomorrow night but I am not so concerned with those.  It will take me a small amount of time.  Then I am caught up and next week should be somewhat easier.  The week after that I have a summary paper to write after observing an IEP meeting.  It is the last 3 weeks of the class that concern me.  But I will save that for another time.  I am just happy to be catching up for now.

As for my personal life...I have made great strides.  At least to me they seem like great strides.

I noticed on my FB notices that a few notices popped up with some Hispanic woman's name on it.  I did not know her but the source was my ex's FB page.  I had meant to unfriend him after sharing the wedding pictures but had not yet. I had left a total of 2 comments on some things on his page. This woman was commenting on what I had commented on.  She was letting me know she was there and marking her territory.  It was all orchestrated to get a response out of me.  Don't worry 'lady' (use the term loosely), he's all yours.  My response?  I hit the 'unfriend' button.  Cut that hot mess of crazy free.  I do not care and I am NOT going to get drawn into a Jerry Springer situation.

Let me tell you folks...I used to think bipolars were the ultimate in  messes...psychotics are something to run and hide from.  But Narcisssists are just the two of those nightmares combined.  And the more you do to free yourself, the more they try to pull you back in with any means possible.  They use you as a source of dumping their nastiness on you and as a place to get some much needed nurturing when they get themselves into a mess.

I am doing my best to let him know there is no more bridge here between us.  I AM going to give him back that check he gave me for my bday.  I know most everyone tells me to cash it and use it...that I deserve it. What I REALLY deserve is to have him gone.  And taking that check feels too much to me like giving him what HE wants.  $50 is not going to make me or break me in anyway.

I just am not sure how I am going to do it.  If I send it back to him, I am still giving him some acknowledgment.  I think I will just rip it up and not cash it.  If he notices I will let one of his kids tell him that I ripped it up and didn't cash it.

At some point they just MIGHT decide that they need to disconnect with him also.  It will be more difficult for them because he is their father and they will want to believe they can still be connected to him.  But how do you connect with someone that does not have any genuine feelings and does not know how to have a relationship?

That is for further down the road.

The Yard

I used to be enthusiastic about taking care of my yard...the gardens.  But something changed when I got a divorce.  I do not find joy in it anymore.  Of course the horrible heat and humidity this summer really killed any desire I may have still had to make it look nice.  My neighbors have had to endure looking at the weeds popping up among my flowers and bushes.

I had planned on getting out today and spending a lot of time outside cleaning things up but the most that is going to happen today is mowing the lawn and some weed cutting with the weed whacker.  What changed my plans was 2 things:
1) I had enrolled in Intervention Specialist certification program, which started this last Monday BUT the registrar seemed to have 'lost' my paperwork (in their email!!!) and after I, once again, contacted them yesterday and they alerted me to the faux pas, and I had to resend it all, 10 minutes later I was able to get into the first class and found I have 2 chapters of work to do by 11:59 p.m. tomorrow night;
2) the weather had turned very humid and hot...again.

I am making plans to remove 2 gardens and make it just some place for grass to grow.  So much easier to just mow.  It is sad but it may actually just look better in the long run.

My friend Susan has been trying to sell me on moving back close to home but move to her town.  It is about a 40 minute drive away from my parents.  It is close, but not too close.  She works as a paraprofessional in the local school system and she told me they employ quite a few Intervention specialists.  I am looking for a better paying gig.  Unfortunately, to get one, I have to go back into the F2F classroom.  Online schools simply do not pay well.  It is okay for me right now while I am waiting for Bethany to finish college but I will still have 10 years before I retire after she finishes.  And I need to be looking at my earnings for those 10 years.  I could always get a gig back with an online school after that for a few years...just for extra income.  It is a more flexible schedule.

However, one step at a time.  I like where Susan lives but  time and prayers will tell.

My son and his wife are returning from the Honeymoon today.  They caused me to upgrade my data plan on my cellphone service for this month.  They uploaded large quantities of pictures and videos to FB and overran the data plan.  At some point, they will need to get their own cellphone plan.  Right now, I shoulder the burden.   They pay for their phones and access but I pay for the data plan.

I have those 2, Bethany, and my parents on my plan.  I will always take care of my parents.  Bethany will eventually have to do her own plan, too.  But the biggest users of the data plan are TJ and Brittany.  Luckily I get a 15% discount through my employer.

So, I cannot put it off any longer.  Off to mow the lawn.  *sigh*  I try to be grateful with the knowledge that I am healthy enough to still do it and have the ability.

The Final Note

I made it.  Son married.  whew.

I cooked the food, I made the bouquet, the boutonniere, I made the centerpieces (per bride's specifications), I altered my son's suit pants and my daughter's dress, and I did not kill their father.

While he was around I spent quite a bit of the time shutting down his penchant to try and place the blame on someone else for mistakes he made, I deflected his rudeness, and shrugged off his 'apologies'.  By the time he left, he got the message loud and clear that I have detached myself from him and his life no longer matters to me.  I am not taking his crap any more and it is not going to affect me.  He handed me the checks for the kids' bdays (September is bday month) and handed me one for mine.  I tried to hand it back to him and he said, "take it.  It is the last one."  I told him there is no need for it NOW either.  He insisted I take it so I kept it.  I have not made up my mind whether or not I AM going to cash it.  I just really don't want anything more from him.  I know he can afford it but that isn't the point.  I guess I will wait until my bday gets here and then access what I feel like doing.

The wedding...it rained.  Hard, most of the day.  Disappointing because the wedding had to be set up under the canopy on the patio adjacent to the reception hall/winery.  It still had a pretty view of the hill with the grape vines on top.  It quit raining after the ceremony just long enough to put the bride/groom, parents and photographer in golf carts and took to the top of the hill to take pictures among the flowers and in the gazebo.

I look tired in the pictures...I was.  3 days of prep and little sleep.  I got very little help from the dad.  He was very generous, however, with the money for the bride and groom as far as a present.  He gave them more money than I expected.  It was the bright spot in the whole thing.  I never wanted to be the fat mom in the pictures but, again, I concentrated on everything this summer but me.  I will not be this big when Bethany gets married. But everyone else was beautiful!

Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken

This guy was wrong about one thing...what I imagined it would be like if my marriage ended was worse than I imagined when it happened...not the other way around.

I was surprised, too.

But I have realized something else.  I have kept myself busy.  I have thrown myself into projects to prove to myself that I can do things myself.  I needed to find that person in me again.  I was always that way before but he made me wait...wait for his approval.    I have gone out and done other things for fun that I wanted to do.  I have made decisions about my future that I feel are very important to make my situation more comfortable.

BUT...I am not happy with how I look.  I have avoided that.  I have poked at it...but not taken it serious enough to control it.  I know that in order for me to be more confident with my future, I need to be more confident with my looks.  So I guess that is my next major project.  Besides the year of classes and tests.

What A Week

I did it.  I finished the paver patio.  Well, the main part is done and I got the firepit set.  I still need to put a brick edging around the patio to make it look nicer but that can wait until Fall...when the heat goes away.  It has been way too blessedly hot and humid.

It still has a lot of sand on the pavers but it there was a day of heavy downpours the next day  and it pretty much washed them off.  The grass in my back yard is dead now because of the high heat and many many days of no rain.   And this needs an outdoor couch or some outdoor chairs.  I have to put some gravel around the firepit.

Troy is on his way here in his new truck and hauling his old car to give to Bethany.  He will drop it and take off to his mom's for a few days.  He is also stopping to meet some woman he met online who lives in Cleveland.  She is in her 50s, is a divorcee and is very nice looking.  A blonde with big blue eyes.  At first I felt something not nice but I wasn't sure what it was.  Jealousy?  Hurt?  What?
Then I realized it was a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because he seems to be meeting other women but I am meeting no one. Once I decided what I was feeling this bad feeling about, I was okay.

To tell you the truth, I really do NOT see him settling down with another woman.  He likes his freedom too much right now.  He may change his mind about it at some point.  I just know that I would like a companion so I am not feeling so lonely.  However, once I sell this house and move closer to my family and other friends, I may not care.  I do like my freedom, too.

I am actually relieved to realize that I don't care if he has someone else in his life.  I know I don't love him.  I have made my peace with the fact that he and I never belonged together.  And it is best this way.  He is just an ass about how he does things.  He will never change.  He doesn't think things through.

Beyond all of that...

Work was busy and hectic.  Next week will be a short week for me and I really won't have all that much to do.  I have Thursday and Friday for vacation days before the wedding.  Then the Monday after the wedding I will be starting my classes for Intervention Specialist.  I am NOT looking forward to another year of college classes but it has to be done if I want a better paying teaching job.  If I was still married to Troy, I would just keep the job I have and be happy with it.  But, I have to make better money.

My son is getting married.  wow.

Projects

It is hard for me to realize that in 2 weeks...TWO WEEKS my son will be getting married.
I have to tailor his suit pants yet...alter Bethany's dress...perhaps alter mine.

I was not really thrilled with the dress I got so I found another one to order.  I am waiting for its arrival.  It will be here by next Wednesday.  I also ordered a different pair of shoes.  By the time I get the second dress and second pair of shoes I will know which one gets kept and which one gets returned.  Cutting it close but that is the way everything has been going.

I had to do a lot of work to straighten out the mess created by changing home owner's insurance.  But, it is taken care of now.  Took 2 weeks but it is done.

I FINALLY got the document I need from the mortgage company to prove to the IRS that I don't owe them anymore money.  It is my fault in the first place because the one I had when I filed is missing.  I don't know how or where it went because I keep everything together in folders but this time this ONE document was missing from the folder.  It took me 3 weeks, 4 emails and 4 calls to get the thing.  I was kinda irked by the 3rd phone call but I was a controlled pleasant.

I drove 169 miles and almost 3 hours Monday night to the convention center for the beginning of school meetings.  Tuesday late afternoon I left and drove 169 miles and almost 3 hours back home because back in March I had bought tickets for a Goo Goo Dolls/Collective Soul/Tribe Society concert that Bethany wanted to go to with me.  In June the powers that be announced that we would have our school meetings at the beginning of August instead of the end...and the concert date was in the middle of it.  Oh well.

So, after the concert, I drove home with Bethany (it was a 15 minute drive), was in bed at 12:30 a.m, got up at 4:30, got ready and drove almost 3 hours back to the convention ctr for another day of meetings that turned out to be a lot of thumb twiddling.  After 7 hours of that, I drove almost 3 hours back home.  Yay.  And then I had to listen to Troy yap on the phone for about 40 minutes.  I kept trying to get off the phone and he kept saying, "Wait!" and he would talk some more.  Finally I heard Bethany come home from work and I told him, "your daughter's home from work.  I'll let you talk to her."  and there was the hand off.

He told me he was going to call the next night to 'discuss' when he would be here for the wedding, etc.  I did not know why because he could more easily send me a text or email.  BUT he never called.  I know what day he is planning on showing up...that's all I need to know.

Thursday was the real work day...the real first day of work.  I ended up working an hour longer than I should have.  Not a good start.

Friday...today...it was a 2 hour long cyber meeting and by the time we were done, it was as clear as mud.  There are two different groups of kids that we are split up to deal with.  She was trying to address everyone at once.

Here is what I do know...by the end of the day, I found out which copy of which email to send out to the students and their learning coaches...so I did.  I have my notes on each student ready...all tucked away in the pages of my One Note digital notebook.  Come Monday there will be a lot of phone calls, discussion, training the parents and students.  Lonnie and I get to 'babysit' the students that ended the school year badly but have returned. We have to make sure they all (and their parents) get started off on the right foot and know how to not get tossed out.  The State is ripping charter schools apart and we are ruling with an iron fist.

Tomorrow morning is supposed to be fairly cooler for a while so I AM going to finish the paver patio so I can be done with it.  The patio will be done, the firepit set, Then I don't have to keep looking at an unfinished project.

My kitchen is not finished.  It needs new cupboard pulls and the baseboards I have to finish repainting.

The main bathroom still needs the new timer switch wired in.  Then that is done.

The livingroom needs one more coat of paint on one of the walls.  The baseboards need repainted.   The window treatments need hung.  Pictures on the walls.

Then those projects are COMPLETE.

When fall gets cooler I have gutters to paint.  I just MIGHT use the paint sprayer.  It is a lot of work but it needs to be done.

I will be starting classes after the wedding.  I would love to veg but that is not going to happen.  I have to prepare myself for a better paying teaching job after Bethany is out of college and ready to move somewhere else.  I will sell the house and move closer to family and friends.  And I should be able to pick up an Intervention Specialist job somewhere around there.  It will be difficult to move with 3 dogs.

I will cross the bridges when I get to them.  I will figure it out when I have to.

Standing Solid

All my ranting and raving/wailing and gnashing of teeth.  2 years of it.  Over.  Really over.   Last night some REAL finally seeped in.  And all because of the purchase of a truck.

I did not buy a truck...Troy did.  He called me and told me about it because he is giving our daughter his old car.  And his old car is  NICE one.  She is thrilled.

I listened to him and I realized something...it was crystal clear:  I would not choose him.  NOW, in my old age wisdom, I know that I would not choose him  In fact, I don't know how I would have ever met him.  My oldest sister is right...had I not gone with her to that bar for her birthday, we would have never met.  And my life (and his) would not have started on a miserable journey for the next 27 years.

He and I never belonged together and we ended up making each other unhappy because of it.  I was lonely all of that time.

And what really made me get that was he was telling me about the stuff he does with his friends.  He has told me about his friends and they are the same type of friends he had when I met him....they just had more money.  He told me he wanted a different life when I met him.  What I was too dumb to know is what he really wanted was the same friends BUT with more money.  He likes the drunken, foul mouthed friends.  I don't mean to make that sound like I am looking down my nose but they are just not what I was raised around,  He was.  I am uncomfortable with that but he loves it.  Ergo...he and I never belonged together.

So, throughout the course of listening to him, I realized that that horrible feeling I had in my chest was a mixture of jealousy and resentment.  Jealous because he has all of this money and can afford to just go out and buy another vehicle.  I can't...at least not at this time.  Resentment because I spent a lot of years taking care of him and a family and then I get to start at the bottom of the pay scale again.  
THEN I also realized that I was basically dishonoring God because He has taken care of me.  I have a job I love and things have been working out okay.  Things will continue to get better.  My job does not pay much, which is the downside.  But when the time is right, I will move on and up and find a better paying position.  Perhaps a really nice guy will come along and I can have a decent relationship.  He doesn't have to make a lot of money.  As long as he makes as much as I am now it will be good.

I am sad that Troy and I spent so many years making each other unhappy.  But, it is time gone and I have 2 pretty great kids.  I had a wonderful wonderful life with them.  Troy missed out on a lot of that.  He was too busy spending his time with the friends he thought were a good time.

Priorities.

And Troy stuck around to support his family.  He did a good job.  He is not a monster.  It is just that he made us all suffer for his unhappiness.  ALL of us.  But that is over.

On to a shiny new day.  As I said, things will get better.  I just get impatient to meet my new 'someone'.  Hope he isn't too far down the road!

Bringing the Heat

The heat and humidity have messed with my head...literally.  Daily headaches and breathing is tough.  I am tired SO much!

And when I am not feeling well...and tired...I find myself resting in the depression zone.  I throw myself a lot of pity parties in my mind.  I do not find pity parties fun.

I also came to another thought about myself.  I have been beating myself up over my weight.  It took me 25 years to get here.  The doctor said my blood work is great, my lungs sound great, my heart sounds strong, my blood pressure is great...he says I am keeping myself healthy...despite my weight.  I know I am a pretty good person to be around.  So, if the weight comes off...great.  If I don't lose much...I am still me.

Pastor Bill Halter (the guy I have known since I was very young and is now a Pastor at a church not far from where I live now) told me he has a single friend our age that is becoming a pastor.  He wants me to meet him.  A pastor.  While I am a believer, I am not sure I am pastor dating material.

Other than some minor irritations, this last week has been a bust.  I am now working on painting my kitchen and getting the backsplash up.  I will be going back to Kalahari for the beginning of the school year meetings.  My younger sister and her girls are going with me so that they can enjoy the water park, etc.  I never use the free 'bands' they give us for family members but this time I have someone to use them.  I get to listen to my sister moan and groan for a few days about being poor and fat.  She wants someone to  wave a magic wand.  I got really angry the other day when she told me that she had told one of her HS friends that SHE had paid her own way through college...SHE had paid for her wedding...SHE had bought her own car.

This is why it makes me mad...I know that my parents paid for her books and tuition for her last 3 years of college (because she had a scholarship for the first year).  My parents paid for the caterer for her wedding, part of the decorations and we ALL helped with decorations, setting up the reception hall and cleaning up afterwards.  I also know my parents bought her 3 different cars.  The only car she bought was with her husband Matt.  I'll bet he doesn't get any credit either.  She tries to make out like she got less than everyone else and she was such a hard worker.  We used to joke about how she ducked out of helping in the kitchen, hardly ever cleaned her room and never did yard work or helped with cleaning anywhere else in the house.

Oh well...I just bite my tongue and change the subject.  Not sure why I am doing her a favor.  I will regret it.

My work year begins again officially next Monday.  It looks to be a busy one straight out of the gate.  And there is my son's wedding thrown in.  yay...with a visit from their dad.

He has tried some passive-aggressive moves.  I thank him for offering to help me out with this or that but politely decline.  It sounds sweet but I know how he works.  He has to maintain some control.  I am cutting every tie I can.  He divorced me...didn't want me in his life.  So he needs to NOT have me in his life.  I need to NOT have him in my life.  It makes it easier for me to get my life settled.  Just me,

The Touch

I visited my old HS friend's church again today.  I liked the sermon.

On the way home, something funky happened to my gas gauge.  I knew at some time on the journey home it would tell me I was low on fuel and it did 'ding'.  The Low Fuel light came on.  Then when I was closer to home it went off and the fuel gauge started to go up.  and up.  and up.  It stopped at 3/4 full then slowly went down a bit, then back up.  I just prayed that I would make it home.

I had gotten a notice from the IRS a few days ago that they had reviewed my tax return for 2014...the divorce year, and had determined that I owed them $265.  They removed some of my deductions I claimed and said they would need documentation.  Which I have...however, I found that not all of the documents I need are in the folder.  I have them.  I just have to search for them.

My dress I ordered for the wedding came and it looks awful on me.  So, there's that.

Then my son texted me and asked me if me and and his dad are still going to pay for the rest of what's due on the wedding venue.  *sigh*  I did not know that it was something that was expected.  I told him I had paid the down payment and I am taking care of the food.  I am rather strapped right now.  I also told him I don't speak with his dad.  I know he didn't want to ask him.  *sigh again*  So I sent Darkness an email and explained about the money due on the venue.  Hopefully he will contact our son and work it out.

Darkness said I didn't hug him.  He said he needed hugs.  I would have except for 1) he was always giving someone a 'speech' of what they are doing wrong and that made me not like him; 2) when he tried to hug me he wouldn't just hug and sometimes I just wanted a HUG.

But I do miss hugs.  I need them.  I want them.  I don't do alone very well.

Wonderment

I saw a doctor.  A new one.  He said I am keeping myself healthy...even tho I am over weight.  What did he say about my weight?  Basically that women my age gain weight but can't get rid of it.  Just be happy that I m healthy.

Right.

My eustation tube is blocked.  I have had an earache for weeks.  My sinuses hurt.  I started getting the spins and tipping over.  The doctor gave me spray that I spray up my nose once a day...and syrup to take for my sinuses at night.  He told me if I am using his medicine to quit taking the OTC stuff or don't take his stuff.  I used his spray this morning but 8 hours later I took a suphadrine and excedrin.  Then I could do something!

I am getting way behind on my list of things I need to do.  I may still be working on some of it evenings after I begin work.  We'll see how bad work gets.  I have to work next week then I get one more week off. 

I still have not decided on whether or not I want to get my Intervention specialist license.  It's not the work...it's the money that goes into it.

I attended a church 45 minutes from my home this last Sunday.  An old classmate of mine is the pastor there.  I've known him since I was 5.  He used to live in my neighborhood when we were very young.  Then his parents built a house out in the country.  His mom was Ms. Socialite.  His sisters raised him.  He retired from teaching.  Now he's a pastor.  He saw me in his congregation and smiled.  He gave a great sermon.  His wife is very nice and I watched what all she did to help prepare for the service.  She invited me to join them for lunch but I had things I wanted to do plus I was very tired (my ear and head made me feel tired) plus I didn't like the restaurant they were going to.

I may go back this coming Sunday.  Just cuz...

My mother has a neighborhood all picked out for me to buy a house in and move into. She also figures dad will die before she does and she can move in with me.  I don't want her to be alone either and I love her but I don't want her to decide my life or live with me.

My friend Susan converted the second floor of her split level to a separate living area for her mom after Susan's husband died.  She says it is really tough.  I figure God will lead me where I need to go.

Homesick

Deep pit of sorrow.

I read a 'page' on Facebook that is about surviving after a relationship with a Narcissist.  It is a sort of a counseling/share place.   It is set up and run by a Psychologist who has studied Narcissists and the 'victims'...he has written books on the whole thing.  The 'victims' share their thoughts and feelings.

It has actually helped me by facing reality.  While it is really painful and debilitating to accept that this person that you thought loved you, never really did...that you put so much of yourself into the relationship to make it work and it was never going to...at some point you have to accept it.  You have to or you will drive yourself crazy shouldering blame that you don't deserve.

I spent the weekend at 'home' with my family.  While my hometown has gone downhill, it still has some comfort to it.  While my parents are becoming more and more hard of hearing and have difficulty understanding, and dealing with things...it is still home and they are still my parents and just being there in that town, near family and friends feels like a big casserole dish of comfort food.

Yes, I feel like running back with my tail between my legs.  

I spent a lot of years finding confidence in myself because my mother had a lot of anxiety and 'ran' everyone's life so that everything went the way she needed it to...and because she did that, she did not have much confidence in our abilities to take care of our own lives.  I was not praised but was reminded of my short comings.  Then I married Darkness and was not praised but reminded of my short comings.  

I dated guys that showered me with flattery and flowers then when they felt they had me, they started in with running me and reminding me of my short comings...all to keep me under their control.  

I have a lot to offer.  I am smart, resourceful, creative, kind, thoughtful, and will bend over backwards for most people.  I deserve to be loved and appreciated.  I deserve to be praised...not reminded of my short comings.  

A Life Not So Well Planned

These are the phases of my paver patio .

This is my living room with the room rugs and Lucy in the middle.  LOL  She accepted it all right away.  Jack...not so much.  Max was not thrilled but he warmed up to it. He will often loudly display his displeasure with the removal of the carpet and pad by getting up on the couch (I put a cover of it that can be removed when someone wants to sit on it or I need to wash it), make a loud noise when he lays down, then rolls around for a minute and makes loud noises indicating that he likes the koosh of the couch.

This is the dress I ordered for the wedding.  It is lacy, elegant yet simple.  They are having a short outdoor ceremony with, what I describe as a country picnic reception...barbeque chicken, ham, macaroni salad, green bean casserole, corn bread, etc.  There will only be about 25 people in attendance.  It is a distance (on our side) and family relationship (on her side) issue.

Scary Bay Bridge...I almost had a panic attack driving over it.

cool sand sculpture on Ocean City beach

my feet in the sand at Assateague.  I told Karen that 'assateague' is what my butt feels after that 12 hour drive

I went with my daughter to see a new doctor today.  She has been concerned with her hair loss, her paleness, tiredness, and her asthma.  You would not believe the time we had finding a doctor that would take new patients!!!  I was impressed with him.  He sent her for blood work and asked for a T4 test for her thyroid.  Not many doctors do that.  He is not so convinced that she has anemia.  He also told her that he wants her to come back in the winter (when her asthma is at its worst) and recheck her to make sure she gets the proper treatment for it. They set the appt for the end of December.

I then set up an appt with him also.  I have been confounded with these other doctors that tell me my thyroid is working well enough.  I have HALF of a thyroid!  How can it be working 'well enough'?
I am able to get in the week after the 4th.  I know he will get on me about my weight.  I get on me about my weight too.  LOL

I hate appointments.  I finally went to get a check up at the dentist yesterday.  I had not realized it has been well over a year.  Yay.  I was avoiding the issue of the crown that I need.

I did not plan on having to put quite so much work into my paver patio.  My mother told me that I need to dig down 8 inches and fill it with gravel then cover with sand and put the pavers on.  I am not quite that dedicated to a patio.  I am going to dig out SOME dirt, level it out, put down sand, plastic, sand again and my rubber pavers.  They are easier to cut and manipulate.  And, if, after I sell my house, someone doesn't like it, they can easily remove it.  It will remain cooler than the concrete pavers.

Anywhooooo...I am off to help my son replace the battery in his car.  I am so (not) looking forward to traveling through the traffic to get to his place an hour away.

The Firepits of Life

Spent yesterday afternoon shopping with my daughter for dresses for TJ's wedding.  Most things that were for her age had a lot of material cut out of them...cutouts on the side, the back, the front...not a whole dress.  Or they were too sparkly or fluffy.  LOL   She said she wanted to be covered up and not peeking out.  She had found something online she liked and I guess we will order that.

I did not have any luck.  Too sparkly, too long, too 'loud'...and when I did find something I thought would work...TOO EXPENSIVE.  So I came home and ordered my dress online also.  It is a light blue-ish lace dress with an underlining.  It is knee length and short sleeved and will fit in with the small, outdoor winery-'country picnic' reception.  And I can wear it again.  Not TOO fancy but just enough.

I also found out something interesting.  I have been tracking my food intake on My Fitness Pal.  It will also track your intake of vitamins and minerals, sugar, carbs, fat, etc.  I was looking at it last night and discovered that not only was my potasssium intake extremely (exTREMely) low but my iron intake was almost non-existent and my calcium intake could be much better.

I discovered the potassium problem a couple of weeks ago and bought some potassium tablets.  The cramping in my calf muscles has just about disappeared now.  However, the very low levels of iron intake could explain the muscle fatigue that I experience.  It isn't a normal muscle fatigue.  I experience it quickly and often...sometimes even the slightest tasks.  And it makes everything on me feel like lead weight.  At any rate, I am going to double check how much iron I should have a day and get some iron tablets.  I will leave 'room' for iron intake from foods.  I also have to be drinking more almond milk for my calcium.  I have gone back to eating greek yogurt but I looked for the one with the least amount of sugar added.  I have been trying really hard to cut back on the sugar. (I rechecked the Potassium deficiency and my muscle fatigue is more due to that...I will not be taking iron supplements)

I found bread that does not have any sugar in it.  The down side is that it is hard to toast.  After all, if you think about it, it is the sugar in things that cause it to carmalize  and it is the sugar that burns.  So, toast is just carmalized bread!  LOL

I began work on my paver patio.  This thing is going to take me a bit longer than anticipated.  It was majorly hot yesterday and I had to quite after 2 hours because I was having a very hard time breathing.  I was drenched in sweat.  It took a lot out of me and I did not have much energy for the mall walking.  I was glad when it was over.

I have to go to the garden ctr portion of the home store and get a few more things today.  I have decided to BUY an inexpensive firepit then stack stones up around it to make it look more rustic.  I have LOTS of stones.  And that way, I can use masonry adhesive...the DIY site says I can.  :D
It will be quicker also AND I don't have to worry about what kind of cement I am using, if I am using the right kind of brick liner, etc.  This has turned into a much more costly endeavor than I had first thought but it will be nice when it is done.  I hope Bethany and her friends will like it.  It is just one little addition to the home and will make the backyard nicer.  Right now my back yard is just a yard encircled with a fence.

Well...onward.  I have a life to get on with.

I'm Not Reba

So...that was NOT a good idea.  Taking my daughter to Michigan so that she could see her dad.

He has gotten a bit too comfortable and has begun to critique my choices and things around the house.

Ok...that is going to get nipped in the bud...like yesterday.

Thank you for reminding me why I need to be happy with YOUR choice.

Bethany gave him 2 things for father's day...belated.  1) a Cavs NBA championship shirt; 2) a shot glass from Ocean City to add to his collection.

He looked at the shirt and said it was a different one than he had see anywhere and he would wear it on the plane trip home.  He, however, wanted the shirt that the Cavs were wearing right after the win and he was going to buy himself that when he got home.  I looked at Bethany and she looked a bit disappointed.

As for the shot glass...it had a crab in the shape of a U and it said, "Bite me bUm...Ocean City"  He said, "You know THAT'S going to get used!"  ooooooof course.

On the way home, I got caught in a HUGE storm.  Drove in it for over an hour.  Pulled over twice because it was coming down too hard to see the road and the lightening was just too much.  But, after the second stop and I headed back down the road, after checking the radar, I told Bethany that I was just driving back into the storm because is was headed south down the length of the freeway.  I told her I just needed to keep driving and I would drive out of it.  She said that maybe it would just stay over me.  I told her I was moving faster than it.  (at least I hoped I was).  I finally drove out of it and for the last almost hour there was nothing.  While I was in it I kept talking to God, "Please don't let my last thing I did was have dinner with that doofus before I died."

About an hour after I got home, the storm caught up with me.  It sounded like it was going to lift the house and take it away.  I announced to the dogs I was going to bed.  They followed right on my heals.  So, I got the pillows on the floor of my office that they lay on while I work, and they slept on the floor of my bedroom...except for Jack who has his bed on the end of MY bed.  I sleep easier because I know if there is something major coming my way, my phone tornado alarm will go off.  It is loud enough to raise the dead. Thankfully it didn't go off but I had a lot of tree limbs to clean up.  Big ones.

I was still irritated this morning.  I have admitted to my wrong doings in our marriage, and I am not a 'blamer' for my behavior and choices...however...he broke me. He changed me.  He tore me down.  I just gave up.

It is taking me a long time to find the me I was before I married him.  I am feeling better about myself.  There is still a long way to go but I am doing better.  Being around him just set me back as far as my feelings of anger.  I don't want to be angry anymore.

He texted me that it was nice seeing me.  I told him it was HARD seeing HIM.  He texted that he still lays awake many nights wondering if he made the right decision.  So, just to assert MY anger, I texted back: You did not...it was NOT.  You tore a family apart.  I am not someone you throw away.  I really am working on not being angry with having to deal with how someone else's choices affects my life.

In the end, as far as I am concerned, it was a good decision for ME that he made.  I need someone more mature and stable.  He is an ass.

Another thing he kept going on about is his weight.  "I have gained back some of it. Do I look like it?  I need to start lifting weights again."  He just kept mentioning it.  So I texted him," no one cares about your weight.  You are concentrating on the wrong thing.  I...am...fat.  I will do what I can about that for me.  However, I am STILL smart, kind, and caring."

He will never...ever...get it.

Filling My Days

On the 10th I made a journey up to see my parents.  On the way I stopped to have lunch with a friend from school days, Susan.  I met her in Kindergarten.  We were casual friends; really never hung out much in high school.  Not that we didn't like each other it was just that she joined other clubs, etc and I was in the music department most of the time...orchestra, marching band, girls' chorus, mixed chorus, ensembles, etc.  She and I really reconnected on FB over a sort of common thing...loss of marital partners.  Only, she lost hers in a different way than I lost mine...he died suddenly from a burst femoral artery aneurysm.  It happened 2 weeks after my divorce was final.  We have been encouraging each other to pick up and move along.  It was really great having that time with her.  I would like to visit more.  My problem is I have my vacation time packed with house improvements/projects.  sigh

After the weekend at my parents' I went to Sandusky to our 2 days of school meetings.  It was basically a waste of time and money (their money, my time).  It is nice to connect F2F with co-workers.  We had a lot of laughs and shared our organization secrets.  It just didn't seem like they were giving us anything new...in the meetings. As a team, we could have done what we did in one day and went home.

I came home for 2 days and took care of the yard, the dogs, the laundry, house, etc then packed up and Bethany and I headed to Maryland to spend time with a close friend that I as of yet had spent time with F2F...we had been friends for the better part of 11 years.  It was as if we had been hanging out with each other all along.  We got along just great!  And Bethany enjoyed the time too.  She has really started coming out of her shell.  She used to be so afraid to talk to anyone.  But she sat there and talked with Karen and Matt like it was a natural thing. 

I have noticed that she has been talking more to everyone.  She didn't even used to talk to my parents or her Aunts/Uncles much.  She said she always felt awkward and didn't know what to say.  I guess she figured it out.  I am pleased!

While I was gone, Troy was working in Michigan.  They were taking most of the weekend off so he texted and asked if he could spend the night at the house so that he could spend father's day with TJ.  I said it was fine.  He did some laundry while he was here and so did TJ.  LOL  Glad I am good for something.

Then I found out that he is still going to be in Michigan the rest of this week.  So, since Bethany was sad that she missed him and vice versa, I volunteered to drive her to Michigan tonight to see him and have dinner with him.  I told him I was sorry I was going to be with her but she shouldn't drive that far on her own.  I told him I could find something else to do.  He said he wanted to see me too,  Whatever.  

Tomorrow night I have to go see my son about changing the battery in his car,  Friday night I am going out to dinner with Jean before she leaves on her Carolina vacay.  Other than that, I have worked out a project schedule for what I need to do around the house...inside and out.  Most of it involves painting.  The inside painting does not matter since weather does not affect it.  However, I need to plan the gutter painting around the weather.  I am painting gray over the brown so it matches the roof,

I also need to put down the mulch.  I know it is late but that's the way things worked out this summer. I wanted my vacation fun.  Now I need to knuckle down.  LOL

I will be receiving my new contract end of next week.  It should be a 2 year contract.  Kind of anxious to see what kind of raise I am getting.  I am not banking on it being too much because they are tight wads.  

I opted to NOT begin my Intervention Specialist classes this summer.  I really did not want to have to mess with it this summer.  I am doing the things I need to do and want to do first.  Not letting someone/something take me off my course.  

I managed to tear up the livingroom carpet before I left for my parents'.  It looks really nice.  The hardwood flooring underneath is in great shape.  The room sized rugs look nice.  The dogs weren't too sure about it but they are used to it now.  LOL

Okay...now it is time to do some work around here.