Dead Weight

I am not really sure what happened. I don't know if it is all the praying that finally worked, or something I read or it just worked its way out...I do credit praying for a lot...I finally FINALLY feel nothing.  Seriously nothing.

Well...I do feel happy.  I feel lighter.  However, I do not feel hurt.  I do not have the deep soul sucking pit of pain invading me anymore.  I do not feel depressed or anxious...sad, mad, bad...

I simply do not care.  And it isn't like I do not care out of anger.  I just don't care.  I don't care what he does with his life or who he does it with.  I do not care if he is having a good or bad day.  I don't care what is going on with him in the slightest.  I don't care if I know anything that is going on with his life.  I don't care to share anything with him.  It has all passed.

And I feel FREE. 

I did manage to have a talk with the kids about how they viewed things.  If they feel I am being fair/unfair about things.  I told them that emotions can get in my way and I don't want them to feel I am being crazy about stuff and unfair to their dad.  I don't want them to be in the middle and uncomfortable with things anymore than would be natural.  So, we discussed how things are and they seemed to feel that everything is okay.  They understand how things were settled in the divorce and that it seems fair.  They said the only thing they have had any struggle with is how their father handled certain situations.

Which brought me around to the gf issue.  I asked them how that affected them and what it was about the whole thing that really bothered them....besides it being weird that daddy had a new woman in his life.

They admitted that is weird but that part they could get used to.  What they have a problem with is how quickly it happened, his attitude about it ("it's my life and no one else's business"), and the fact that she portrays herself as this nasty individual that is someone they would not want to be friends with anyway. 

I told them I just wanted to make sure that they are not giving their dad a hard time about it out of 'loyalty' to me.  I told them that they don't have to hold back because of me.  If they want to get to know her or give their dad's new life a chance to be a part of then do it.  It is weird for me too but I am not going to be mad at them or hurt about it.  It is the way it is.  However, if it is just the person that she is that they object to, that is a different issue and no where is it written that just because daddy picked her do they HAVE to like her or include her in their lives.  Just like IF I ever start dating, if they don't like the guy I am dating because they find him to be a type of person they would not pick to hang with, then they don't HAVE to like him.  However, if he is a decent person, he would deserve a chance.  Just like anyone their dad is with.  It is part of the family relationship package.

Divorce is an unnatural state of affairs.  It makes things complicated.  But, I am now finding myself to like it.  And the weirdest thing...this morning I found myself looking at shoes and dreaming about buying lots of them.

When I first met Troy, I had LOTS of shoes.  Not real expensive fancy models.  Just lots of various colors and types.  But, once we were married and kids started, money was tight, shoes started wearing out and I just never had the money to replace them.  But now that I am looking forward to getting a job and having a paycheck of my own, I am going to start rebuilding my collecting.  And there is the joy in my life...for now.

I am also really loving getting into my classwork now.  Now that my head is clear and I don't have stuff rolling around in it anymore, nor do I have people telling me what I should be doing anymore, I can think clearly about it all and I am really enjoying what I am learning.

I have to take a teacher exam the end of June to get an endorsement on my license to help me get a teaching job.  My second class ends at the end of the first week of June.  I think I am going to ask to put off my third class until after I take the teacher exam.  I want to be able to do a really great job on it.  After all, the test is 4 hours long and $105.  And that is just for Elementary reading.  I am contemplating taking the Middle School math.  That is 4 1/2 hours long and another $105.  yay.

Back to the class. 

The Age of Enlightenment

Morning counseling done.  With the help of God...my mind and emotions finally got me to a place where I could see clearly.  Counseling allowed me to rail about my feelings and throw the blame around as much as I needed to...for a while.  It allowed me to stir up the tornado and let it move around...creating a path of destruction for a while.  It needed to run its course and die.  And I am grateful that Troy allowed it to happen. 

Once it was done, it had cleared everything out of the way.  I was left standing in a clearing and the bright sun shown down.  And then it was time.  It was time for me to face all the realities of everything.  This divorce wasn't about what he had done/didn't do.  It wasn't about what I had done/didn't do.  It was about the fact that we did not DEAL with anything.  Our communication was awful.  We didn't deal with it.  We did not LISTEN, we did not share...we ignored it and ignored it.

I had to admit that my anger was not about what he had done in the past.  My anger was not about what we had ignored.  My anger was the fact that I still believed that we would have that chance to finally fix it and NOT ignore it anymore.  We could make a commitment to get that counseling.  But he pulled the plug on everything before we could do that.  I am not angry at him for doing it.  I am just angry because we didn't get that chance to TRY and right our wrongs. 

I am also angry at me for not admitting what I wanted to do/thought out loud to anyone else.

Yes, he has some serious flaws that he would need to be willing to face, accept and be willing to change.  So do I.  If we do not face them and take steps to change them, history will repeat itself.

The next step in my healing is to accept that there is no more chances.  It is dead, not coming back (kinda like Dr. McDreamy)...and accept that WE both dropped the ball.  I could sit and exam WHY we did, but the thing is I don't need to because it doesn't matter.  I just have to realize that WE did not give the problem the time and attention it needed.  We did not feed the fish or clean the tank...the fish went belly up. 

Through all of this, clearing everything out of the way, I did find the reasons why I had loved him and married him.  I can look at that fondly and I can have those feelings of bitter sweetness without hurting about it or mourning it. 

Further steps...get over the anger of what ultimately happened.  WE are to blame. I need to lay down that weight of anger and walk away.  Accept, move on.

But now, in order for me to move on, I also need to move him out of my life.  And not because I harbor any ill will towards him...because I need to look forward and work on finding what there is I like/love about myself.  I need to spend time with myself.  He is no longer my concern and I need to make ME my concern.  And once his stuff is finally out of here I can do all of that.

I also shared with Troy what I had learned in my counseling sessions.  I told him that I am hoping that he will consider what I have to share...about how to heal a relationship...if he wants to heal things with his kids and finally have the relationship they should have had.  I told him if he is willing to take the steps, I will help the kids work through it on this end.  They all need to begin by working through the past garbage so that they can bag it and toss it.  I also told him that he is going to have to keep in mind that, while his kids are technically adults, he is still going to have to approach this from the stand point that he is the parent and supposed to be the example, the mature one. 

I don't know, yet, what his response will be.  I literally pray that he will seriously give it a try.  I would not have broached this with him if it had not been for the email he sent me yesterday where he said his family does mean the world to him and he has a hard way of showing it.  And Bethany had said that she thinks he just doesn't know how to communicate.  The difference is the kids will always have a tie with their dad and have a reason/need to work on things and make it better.  For Troy and I, it is too late and there is nothing left to work on. 

I really do want to see them all knock down the walls, clear out the hurt and resentment and learn how to communicate and love.  It will make life so much better for all of them.  I never wanted them to NOT have a good relationship with their dad.  If this divorce brings about a good change for them, then it is worth it.

Top 10 Hits

This last week has been 'different'.  Monday started out feeling really good.  I had, after all, gotten some positive feedback about a job, or two. 

Tuesday...not so good.  For no real reason.  Just the reaction to the chemical cocktail.
("If you thought you were in love, isn't that the same as being in love?  Isn't love just a chemical cocktail for the brain--dopamine, serotonin--in a jigger with a  twist?"  Shonda Rhimes via 'Meredith Grey', Grey's Anatomy). 

Thursday I took my son's car to the mechanic when he got home from his 3rd shift job.  Got that bit of happy taken care of.  Friday took my daughter and her guy friend to the college to get signed up.  At least the evening was good...we all got to have dinner together.

Saturday the hard drive on my laptop crashed.  Dropped it off with a computer fix it man 5 minutes from my house.  HP wanted $280 to fix it. This guy charges $145. 

So I used my daughter's laptop for what school work I could do.  She doesn't have any MS Office on hers at all so I could only do what was on the school website.  I could not download and view PPs or write my papers...one of which I lost in the crash and had to start over.

So, Sunday, I got up early and thought, 'Well, I have a PC. Haven't used it in over a year but it still works as far as I know.'  It works but my Office was out of date and since it had been purchased through the last college I took classes from, it was now expired.  So I had a choice...either purchase 2013 from the college I attend now at a student discount rate (is it really?) of $80 and it will be good for 4 years OR purchase the Home edition for $100 and it can be downloaded to everyone's computer, here.  It is only good for one year, though and I can choose to renew and download newer versions...or not.  Additional cost, of course.  I went ahead and chose the Home edition.  I figured Bethany is going to need it, TJ will need a newer version once his laptop gets cleaned out tomorrow. 

Then it wouldn't load.  I had to mess around with the MS people until I found a tech that knew what he was doing and even then it took him an hour to 'fix' the problems with my computer and get it all downloaded.  I was very grateful. 

Then late last night, my son calls me on his way to work.  He is having some major health issues.  I don't really want to get into it.  I didn't sleep well.  Called the doctor as soon as I could this morning and they told me to take him to the ER.  My son, being stubborn, insisted he wanted to get some sleep first. So, I have been doing what I can around here this morning, waiting for him to get some rest.  I just pray it isn't anything major...no very bad news.  The problem he is having could be any number of things from a simple infection all the way to...well...no one wants to say it. 

I texted his father...told him 'this is important.  I have to take TJ to the ER'  He asked me why.  I explained to him what was going on.  The text I got back was, "I am not feeling well either.  Let me know."

"I am not feeling well either"  Guess what, I haven't been either BUT it is nothing compared to what is going on with TJ.  Yet, he felt he had to throw that in there.  When he spoke to me on the phone Friday he sounded just fine then...wanted to tell me about some new gadget he bought himself...and I cut him off and told him I was in the middle of something and had to go.  I hung up. 

Bethany looked at me last night and told me that the biggest thing we are all going through is anger.  She said it is because he rode off into the sunset and never looked back.  He moved some place new, has a new job then got someone new in his life.  He left us to deal with the aftermath...sorting everything out...including our 'new' futures.  She said that while he tries to tell me (her mom) that he thought I wanted the divorce, he never once really asked me how I felt.    She said, "He never talked to any of us about it.  He just dumped it all on us."  She said that she will get over it and in time she knows she will feel differently.  But the other problem is the new one in his life.  She said that her dad picked out someone that is everything he harped on them not to be. 

Well...that is par for the course with him.  He has ALWAYS been a 'do as I say, not as I do' kinda guy.  They know this.  I think their biggest struggle is the freedom.  They no longer have to put up with the guy that they had no respect for...didn't like being around.  We have all lived in 'the valley of dead bones' for so long, we are trying to get used to being somewhere that we can get things to grow. 

Bethany said that her friends all said that they noticed a difference in the atmosphere when he wasn't home...when he was gone on business trips.  They said it wasn't so much in the way we acted...it was just like a missing negative electrical field.  My mother always said that.  She said the minute he walked in the door, the aura of the room changed instantly.  I know I immediately tensed. 

Once he has gathered his stuff in a little under 4 weeks, then that is that.  Then perhaps the aura will be changed permanently.  I am hoping so. 

My kids will figure it out.  They just shrug and say it will take time.  I guess they are just waiting to see if he ever reaches out to them anymore or just fades entirely away. 

GPS of Life

A while back I was on a few dating sites.  I was trying to hurry my life along too fast.  I 'met' a couple of guys.  There was one named Michael that is a couple of years older than I, and is some sort of administrator at a small college.  We WERE going to meet for dinner one night but I bowed out.  I got cold feet and decided I wasn't emotionally ready for it, yet.  He was very nice and understanding about it.

Fast forward a few months...I was on my FB page and every once in a while it will give you a 'line' of people to scroll through labeled "People You May Know".  I was scrolling through it and his image popped up!  I sent him a private message explaining to him about what happened and I thought it was funny.  He sent a PM back letting me know that it turns out we have a few people in common!  Wow! 

So we are PMing once a day.  The college he works for is also in the same town as the school at which I am hoping to secure employment.  Life has some funny twists and turns.

Today I had to straighten out my medical insurance and then register for a Praxis test so that I can secure my HQT (Highly Qualified Teacher) standing on my state teaching license.  More studying. 

I also did my son a favor.  He has been working the midnight shift at the radio station.  I had to move his car yesterday and when I started it up I heard something rattling underneath.  When he got up I asked him why he didn't tell me about the rattle.  He said he didn't know what I was talking about so I threw him his keys and told him to go out and start his car.  He came back in looking disgusted and said, "I'll have to call Adam now."  It was too late to call Adam at that time.  So, he came home this morning and went straight to bed.  I sat there thinking about it and decided to call Adam and surprise my son by getting it taken care of...at his expense, of course.  His car.  So Adam told me to bring it in and he'd look at it...I was surprised he had time. So, I went out and started the car, and there was no rattle.  I almost shut it off and went back in the house.  But, no...I wanted Adam to look at it anyway...just in case.  As I started down the road there was a really loud roaring type of noise...but only when it moved.  I thought,' Oh man...I hope it isn't a wheel bearing."  So I pulled in and as I did Adam met me in the parking lot.  I told him there was no rattle but something else.  He pulled it into the garage and then came and told me the rattle had been a heat shield that dropped off but the roaring was a wheel bearing going bad.  yay.  He also told me he could fix it for me right then if I could wait.  I told him while he had it up there to give it an oil change.  He looked at TJ's record and he said, "oh yeah...he needs one."  So, we got that taken care of and I got it home and in the garage and my son didn't even know.  I thought the price was awful but then Adam called me and told me that he wasn't cashing my check...that the guy that did the billing made a mistake and gave me the wrong bill and my bill was about $100 cheaper.  I don't know if that is true or not...Adam may be giving me a break.  He knows how much I helped out our other mechanic, Andy, and his family when his wife was in and out of the hospital for kidney transplant and cancer treatment.  The only reason Adam is our mechanic now is because Andy suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack. 

Then, when I came home, I decided to take a breather...that turned out to be longer than I had intended.  I sat down to eat something and turned on a movie "The Fault in Our Stars".  My daughter had warned me that it would make me cry.  She didn't warn me how MUCH it would make me cry.  I knew from the beginning who was going to die...but they really threw everything but the kitchen sink into it.  I didn't have much time to recover before I watched Grey's Anatomy.  And I cried and cried for the last 15 minutes.  I think I am done watching that show finally.  No one seems to get their Happily Ever After.  And I really need to believe in that.   It is important to me.

So....I have a lot of classwork to get done, I have to take my daughter tomorrow morning to get her signed up at the new college for her new course of study, Saturday night I promised the youth pastor I would take tickets at the door for the big Christian music concert at the church (he has a long string of bands of all different types coming), and next weekend is the community garage sale.  Then I get a bit of a breather until Memorial weekend when the EX comes to load up his stuff and get it out of here. 

I have been slowly but surely sorting other things out and throwing away all the unnecessary stuff.  I have a big lot of stuff to put in the garage sale, other things to load up for the 'toxic chemical drop off' on the following Wednesday.  Once HIS crap is out of here it will look a lot roomier and organized in the house.  I will have a spare bedroom!  Woohoo!  He said I could have his office desk or I could sell it.  I kind of like it because it is L shaped but I thought about it some more and the other one with the hutch on it that I have used for years will do me okay.  I think I will have my son help me dismantle it and take it out to the garage sale...the L shaped one.  I want the empty room.  And, I could use the money...LOL. 

I hauled the lawn roller up to my brother's when I went up that way last weekend.  He wanted one and I wanted it out of my garage.  I was going to put it in the garage sale.  It was only used once.  Ex insisted he NEEDED one.  So, my brother got an almost new lawn roller for half price.  Win win. 
My older sister got some tomato cages and a seed spreader.  And I got more room in the garage.

And now...off to dream land. 

Sharks in the Water

Made a quick trip up 'north' to a charter school job fair.  It was underwhelmingly attended by both potential employers and employees.  I visited with every school that was represented.  They were mildly interested until I told them I am working on my masters in special education then their eyes got wide and their eyebrows went up and suddenly I was their best friend.  There was one company that is opening a new school about a 1/2 hour drive from me and I was encouraged to get in contact with the head of the district (she handed me her card). She said they would love to talk with me more.  I am praying this is going to be my new 'home'.

It is nice to have encouragement.  I am trying to NOT get too excited because I have been treated, in the past, as if I was going to be offered the job...then never heard from them again.  OR I got the 'thank you for your interest, however....' 

I spent the night at my parents'.  It was a quick but nice visit.  My mother always makes me feel guilty when I leave.  She seemed happy that I may have a job but sad that it wasn't closer to her.  I don't WANT to have to move. I am so sick of moving!!

When I got home tonight, I watched the last 2 episodes of "Justified".  I cried at the end of it.  Bittersweet.  I also cried because it is the end of something else that Troy and I had shared.  We both looked forward to it and would wait until we both could sit and watch it. 

I realize I am breathing easier without him.  He was verbally abusive to me...most of the time talked to me like I was someone he didn't even like.  Rail at me like I was a brainless twit, sometimes.  And was a powder keg waiting to explode.  Even given all of that, I was used to having to live with that.  I didn't like it, but I was used to it.  And I am still getting used to rearranging my life into something else.  I have my freedom.  For the most part, I can do what I want when I want, now.  If I didn't have these 3 dogs, I wouldn't have to clean the house quite so much either.  The oldest one is 6 years old, the youngest one is about 4.  So...I have a ways to go. 

I was sitting in my parents' house admiring the absence of pet hair.  I remember growing up and there was always a little dog and dog hairs that would stick to the bottom of your dark skirts and pants.  My mother vacuumed almost every day but the dog hair would still find you.  Now they have a very clean house.  My house would not smell quite so doggy if it wasn't for Jack.  I am constantly cleaning up after him. 

But...such is life.  And I hope mine is about to change for the better.

Again.

A Lot of Nerve in Lemon Rubber

Lower back....nerve pain.  Several years ago I ended up with a bulging disc in my lower back.  As the chiropractor put it, my disc did not bulge out the side between the 2 vertebra, it bulged out the back so when I laid on my back or sat in a chair, it was being pressed on...and it was pressing up against every nerve it could all by itself anyway.  I could not move without screaming.  The only thing that relieved any of the pain was ice packs on that area.  I found a movement, thanks to the chiropractor, that when I feel that pain coming on, it actually helps create a vacuum that 'sucks the disc' back into place.  Walking up and down stairs is one of the things that helps...my elliptical helps...anything that causes one hip to rotate up then the other hip to rotate up.  Reaching into the bottom of my washer to retrieve clothes also helps.  I am pretty short so in order to reach the bottom of the barrel, so to speak, I have to balance on my tip toes on one foot to reach one way, then balance on the tip toes on my other foot to reach the other way.  Then my lower back feels better too.  

This morning I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a mack truck.  Some stretching and icing and the proper hip movement and it is better.  Which is good because I have 2 assignments to put the finish touches on for class 1 and the first assignment to finish for class 2.  Then Sunday is the big Teacher/Education Job Fair. 

I also had a talk with my dentist's billing department.  They sent me a bill that showed I owed a total of $292 for the 3 of us.  I called them and told them that what they sent me made absolutely no sense and she said she would separate us into our own accounts and send a break down.  I got her pile of stuff in the mail and it was not separated...all she did was use different colored highlighters on it and tell me she couldn't separate us.  Then I told her that I do not understand where these charges are coming from because all along I was sent bills in the mail showing me what the insurance had paid for each and what was left.  I paid those amounts all along the way.  She tried to tell me something about estimates and I told her 'no...these were bills.'  She said, "Well I see where you were making payments at different times.  I understand what you are saying and I agree with you.  I will write this off.  I see he did (daughter's) last 4 fillings for free for some reason."  "noooo...he didn't do anything for free.  When he did an exam a few months ago he found that the computer records showed that the work had been done already but it wasn't.  The insurance had been billed for it and I had paid for it because the computer said it was done.  So he finally did the work and did not charge for it since it had already been billed and paid."  "oh, I see.  Well, I am going to write off the rest of this since it is our fault."  Whatever.  I would have paid it IF they told me it was something owed but I paid what they said I needed to pay on the bills they sent.  In this case, I think it is their fault.  I did what I needed to do.  They need to revamp their system I think.

As for me...assignments, yard work, a community garage sale to get ready for...a  garage and basement to clear out.  So much, so much.  And job applications.  I try to do at least one a day now.  And it takes me all day to do it.  They are online but they want SO much filled in...a resume attachment just doesn't do it for them.  So, I do one section then 'save for later'...do something else...come back and do another section and 'save for later'...do something else...come back and do another section...so on and so forth.  At least I am getting somewhere.  Wish I could say the same thing for my dishes.  And my room painting.  I don't seem to have much energy.  First it was the depression and anxiety that robbed me. Then allergy season hit...and the dampness makes all the nerve pain worse.  However, I push...like wading through jello.  Not just any jello....hospital jello.
Lemon hospital jello.  LOL

sad mad glad bad fad had dad...

The devil wants to keep you sad and mad. God wants you to be glad.  (paraphrased from Joyce Meyer Ministries)

I find it ironic that now that Troy and I are divorced we can communicate so much better.  I don't really know for sure what he is doing with his life.  And it is not my business.  But we opened a dialogue where we are admitting to things we could have done differently but didn't.  I could have helped out with finances better than I did.  I told him that and I told him that once I am on my feet and can pay all of my own bills we can reduce the alimony amount and length of payment.  I told him I took off from him for long enough and I shouldn't be taking off from him now. 

I don't believe he owes me.  I have actually been ashamed that I am getting alimony.  It makes me ashamed of myself.  I need to remove anything that makes me feel bad...sad...about myself. 

He told me that I never took off from him.  I was his wife and he had no problem with sharing with me and the kids because we were a family.  But he appreciated my sentiment.  He said that the position we are both in was both of our doing.  He said that he knows that he was difficult to live with and he was overly demanding and I didn't deserve THAT...therefore, he feels that he needs to make it up to me.  Of course I countered with he doesn't need to make anything up to me.  I have a roof over my head and he bought me vehicles to drive, spoiled the kids, etc. 

He has been one of my biggest encouragers since I started work on my masters.  I pray he finds his peace.

We get along better now that we don't have to get along.  It is a shame.  However, it doesn't mean that now that we admit to what we did wrong in our relationship that we could get back together.  Personally, I think we both realize we are better without the other one.  Our personalities do not fit together. 

Next subject...allergy season.  It is making it difficult to slog through my classwork.   I am doing 2 classes at once now and will be for the next couple of weeks.  On the upside, the last paper I handed in, that I ripped my hair out over and was expecting A LOT of feedback on, I got 100% and the only feedback was "Very well done".  Huh.  I'll take it.  But, I am getting it.  For class 1 I have 2 short assignments to get handed in by Saturday night that will set up the next assignment which is another paper.  This paper is on a subject that follows along with what we are getting our degree in so my paper will have to do with Autism.  I think I have decided to specialize my Special Education Degree.  I don't have to decide right now.  I could still generalize. 

I have a nephew that has a son with Autism.  Matthew (the son) is a little behind in maturity but he is very intellectually advanced in spatial relations and design.  If you give that boy boxes of legos of every kind he can sit for hours and work on a design until he builds something mechanical. 

My daughter has decided to major in Psychology.  She will be entering the same college as her boyfriend and he will be switching his major to Psychology also.  They, however, will be specializing in different things.  The first year they should be pretty much together.  It is what she wants, we did research on job opportunities and pay scale in the area and there actually is some very well paying job opportunities.  It is her life....

I have been so much calmer lately.  And, I have applied for some very interesting summer teaching opportunities with charter schools.  This Sunday I am attending a charter school teacher job fair.  I am saying my prayers that God guides me and opens some doors. 

Rage Against

This morning started out later than it usually does.  The dogs have an inner time clock that causes them to wake me every morning between 7 and 7:30.  This morning what woke me was my daughter running up the stairs and out the door.  One of her friends needed a ride to work...car problems.  I looked at the clock and it was 8:40 a.m. 

After the morning rituals with the dogs, I grabbed a cup of coffee and some breakfast biscuits and headed for the chair.  A new Joyce Meyer show was recording so I just decided to play it and watch it.  It was just what I needed today.  I saved it to replay and remind myself of some things when I start feeling low and depressed and anxious.

Isaiah 41:6-7
"each helps the other and says to his brother, ' be strong!'  The craftsman encourages the goldsmith, and he who smooths with the hammer spurs on him who strikes the anvil.  He says of the welding, 'it is good.'

Isaiah 41:10-13
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.  Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them.  Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.  For I am the  Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

If we are truly seeking God, if He is taking care of us sometimes he removes things from our lives to get our attention.  Sometimes He removes people from our lives to get our attention. 

I have let my life and people get in my own way.  Past transgressions are something I have asked forgiveness for and God has changed my heart.  However, I have let my own thoughts cause me to yearn for something other than what I had.  Instead of listening to God and letting him lead me to maintain/fix what I had, I listened to others and let my own desires get in the way of God's voice.  My desires for a calmer life without that constant criticism...a partner that didn't lie and appreciated me that way I am.  I was changed in the fact that I would shut down any advances on anyone else's part because it was disrespectful to the husband I had.  I would not actively seek to reach out to anyone else.  But the desire was still in me to have a different life.

Neither Troy nor I listened to God and let him lead us.  We put up our walls and did what WE wanted.  Not what God wanted. 

I may feel alone at times...no friends NEAR me...I know that God has isolated me for a reason.  I have things I should be concentrating on and working on to further the plan He has for my life.  I need to be listening to Him. 

As Christians we should be encouraging each other with prayer, the Bible.  We should not be pointing fingers and accusing and forcing what WE think is right onto someone else.  What WE think is not necessarily what God wants. 

There have been times when another person that considers themselves a Christian has criticized and TOLD me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it.  It has happened from time to time throughout my life.  What they should be considering is this...they are still working with God on being a Christian.  If they aren't listening to Him anymore, they should be.  I understand that they are still in their walk with Christ and have their own issues.  And I realize that sometimes God will send a person to deliver instructions BUT, since I do not know if it is His instructions, or that person's own opinions, or perhaps Satan has sent them to give me wrong influence, I will pray about it.  I am confident in the knowledge that God will give me the right answer.

Ephesians 5:15
"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil"

I had forgotten this verse.  I had not lived all my days as wise.  I did not make the most of every opportunity.  God has cleared out my 'house' in order to get my attention.  There is a reason for it all.  I trust Him to make me whole, to guide my steps and to reward my efforts.  He never takes anything from you that will not be replaced with something better.

Kinda like the Liberty Insurance commercials...when your car is wrecked or stolen, Liberty Mutual will replace it with a year newer and fewer miles.  LOL

God will enrich my life as long as I follow His guidance. 

Yesterday I listened to a message  by Charles Stanley for those that feel inadequate.  But...that is for another day. 

The Safe Place

You can allow God to use people and situations to strengthen you or you can allow satan to use people and situations to make you bitter and tear you down.

I got up this morning feeling horrific pain again.  I stopped and prayed to God to give me the strength that I need to get through the day, for the pain to depart, for me to be mentally strong as well...to give me the mental clarity I need to do what He needs me to do. 

Then, I sat down with my coffee and turned on the TV to the Christian channels.  I did not see anything that I usually watched so I watched an archived Joyce Meyer broadcast that I had not fully watched earlier.  Living Amazed.  She read from her journals.  So many miracles.  She pointed out what seemed like small miracles but they were still miracles...and sometimes the small miracles are what makes the impact.  She also talked about the negative people...the negative voice in your own head.  Then, I listened to a minister that I had never listened to before.

Here is what I have been directed to...to understand:

God is ALWAYS there.  Doesn't matter where you go, He is there.  He loves you no matter what.  He knows your faults, your weaknesses...and He loves you anyway.  When He convicts you of your wrong doings and you repent and ask forgiveness, He forgives you.  That sin is washed away.

I am so thankful, everyday, that when I ask God to help me/change me/remove my sin and make me a better Christian, He does just that.  He does not come back at me with my past to knock me down again. 

I allowed God to use a recent heart break to open my eyes and my heart.  I have worked so hard with God for years to 'clean up my act' and cultivate a reputation of trust...that I am who I say I am and people can trust me.  I have changed my ways, with God's help.  I have made sure that stupid decisions I have made would not be stupid decisions repeated. 

God used something recently to help open my eyes and clean things up further for me.

Troy tried to change.  The problem was he tried too hard to change on his own.  I held back from doing what God has wanted me to do.  I truly believed that God brought Troy and me together for a reason.  But neither Troy nor I co-operated fully.  I think together, if the both of us had truly opened up to God, we could have done great things.  But we ended up hindering each other.  Now that we are free of each other, and free of condemning each other, maybe now God can get through. 

I have been shown that I need to be alone to learn to rely on God and His guidance and grace instead of relying on others to give me advice and help me to feel better about myself.  I was reminded that the past is the past.  We should not hit each other over the head with it.  God had kind of nudged me with that realization earlier, but then He used a recent flogging to make me understand even more what that felt like.  It is burned in my heart and mind now and I will pray that I am sure never to do that to someone else again.  I will not do it to Troy ever again.  He doesn't deserve it, either.  No one does.

I was reminded to wake up and be amazed with God every day.  I am more solitary now.  I do not have to be quite so solitary but it is for a reason. This is my time for God to be the one that I turn to...the only one I listen to...the one that will guide me and make the changes I need to make in my life.  I will not be listening to other voices out there that think they can/should direct my life...point out my flaws, what is wrong, what I should be thinking or what I should be doing or how to do it.

Sometimes what, or who, you think is someone that helps you or you need in your life really is not any of that.  It is not their fault that you leaned and trusted.  I have too many times ended up leaning in the wrong direction.  God had to pull that post out from under me.  It can be a harsh lesson but I hope it is a lesson for more than just me.

I left the TV running into another message from another pastor that I did not know.  I really wasn't paying attention to him.  I was looking through something on a ministry site on my phone.  But something he said poked through and got my attention.  He said that you need to go to church for the 'safety'.  And a light bulb went on and illuminated that.  Safety. 

When things in the world seem to be churning and getting worse, when Christians seem to be so under attack that they don't even support each other...safety is something that is in short supply. 

So, I will close this and be off to church.  For safety. 

God is amazing.  He is who will strengthen me and guide me.   He will heal me.  He will make me a better servant.  He will give me safety.

No Reason

Everytime I bring up my internet explorer it goes to my home page, which is yahoo.  And on the right is a box with subjects/names in it that are 'trending'.  I don't usually pay much attention to it.  After all, what do I really care what Beyoncé wore to the mall or the argument that was caught on tape between some starlet and her latest conquest? 

Are any of those people going to help me in anyway?  Or really hurt me in anyway?  Their lives are so very public.  I could never live under all of that scrutiny.  I want a small, safe world.

You can't always get what you want.

Today is another day of pain.  And overwhelming tiredness.  It used to be days of migraines.  I had a small window of  'normal' between the migraines and the fibromyalgia.  It really wasn't that small...it just seems like it.  I think it was approximately 15 years.  And it was good because there was so much else in my life to deal with at that time that I had no time for the physical pain.

I remember my relatives saying such mean things about my cousin Judy about her fibromyalgia.  No one understood it.  They said she made it up and she was just lazy.  She couldn't keep a job because there were days when the pain and the depression and tiredness won and she would just take to bed...covers over her head and all.  I am scared it is going to happen to me.  The bout I am having right now is the worst yet. 

Something reminded me this morning...about feelings...and are you 'allowed' to have them?

I was younger.  As I wrote earlier, I was a chubby child.  Not really fat but not a thin girl.   I remember once coming home from a Girl Scout meeting and one of the girls there, who was mean to everyone anyways, had said something about my stomach.  I was crying.  My mother angrily told me that I had no reason to cry. My older sister had been very much over weight when she was younger and the she got picked on terribly.  My mother told me that the reason I had no reason to cry was because I was no where near as heavy as my sister had been and that my sister got picked on all the time.  So, because my sister was picked on all the time, my feelings were not allowed to be hurt by one mean girl. 

I remind myself every day that I am blessed.  My divorce situation is not so bad. I have it easy. 

I reminded myself throughout my marriage that it really wasn't that bad.  He didn't beat me.  He didn't come home drunk.  I should be glad he wasn't home so much...less arguing. 

I tried to make myself realize that I was actually blessed.  It is all in my head.  I was whining over nothing.  I was left alone....and I was verbally abused...put down.  But, hey, I had a husband that earned a good living and I had enough money to pay the bills and clothe the kids and feed us all.  We always had a roof over our heads.  I never had a partner to talk to and share things with. So what if I was always walking on eggshells, wondering what mood he was going to be in from minute to minute...what was going to set him off.  I had no reason to be upset or depressed...no reason to cry.  There are women out there that had it so much worse...so I had no reason to feel hurt. 

I wanted too much.  Shame on me for wanting the life that I see so many other of the people I went to school with have...the forever loving spouse and kids that grow up and marry and have kids of their own.  I grew up in a family like that....lots of criticism but we had no reason to let any of that bother us. 

I have 2 great kids that are handling life better than I did.  I pray for them each day that God will continue to bless them and guide them. 

I pray that this pain will lessen for me.  I have a life to find and live.  I pray that I have finally learned not to let other people make me feel good about myself and that I learn to feel good about myself alone.

Hope

This woman has given me the inspiration I have needed.  And on days like today, when I am in SO much pain because of the fibromyalgia, I have to know that God is going to help me keep moving and I will over come.  It was so much easier to give up and let Troy have the job then I didn't have to worry about days like this.  But others do it.  So, I just have to realize I can too.  It's not the pain...I can work through the pain.  It is the times when it doesn't let me sleep and the next day I am struggling through the dense brain fog.  And then it makes me irritable.  It is difficult holding in the irritability.  That's why it will be so much better if someday I can get an online teaching job.

Squash Is Not Just a Vegetable

I have struggled most of my life with not allowing what others say to rule my life.   So much criticism.  My mother started with all of us. She was a bundle of anxiety and felt that everyone was judging her and that we kids were the extension of what other people judged her by.  She criticized our weight, our hair, our friends, our actions...always criticized.  She raised us to believe that we could not think on our own.  While I took care of myself more than my other siblings only because of timing....mom had my 2 younger siblings to take care of plus her father because she was the youngest of 7 and lived the closest to him...plus her siblings were all so very self centered...I still came to believe that I never made the right decisions and I was just one bad decision away from ruining my whole life.

When you go to school, the other kids are always judging.  I was a chubby child and I word glasses from the time I was 7 years old.  The voice in my head was constantly telling me I was not good enough...to keep quiet or I would be noticed and laughed at.  I had friends.  People liked me but the voice in my head never let up.  In Jr. High I lost my chubbiness.  I was thin and boys started to notice me.  I had lots of friends but that group would get into arguments and 'pick sides' and the arguments made me anxious.  I did not want to be drawn into the mean words and criticism so I would distance myself and date.  But the boys expected me to be a certain way too.  They started bossing and wanting to direct me and I would drop them too.  Always being TOLD by someone what I should do and who I should be...even be told by others who I am when I didn't feel like that person they saw.  I just put up walls and kept people at a distance. 

I went through most of college being engaged.  Randy was there, and I trusted him but then it started causing me a lot of anxiety. It became clear that he was a passive-aggressive.  He manipulated me by constantly being there, making me feel guilty/self centered.  When I graduated from college he told me that he was glad I was done with that nonsense and wanted me to just stay home and take care of him and have children...I knew I was not really important to him at all.  Someone else to direct my life and my thoughts. 

When I finally got out there on my own, it was scary.  For the first time in my life, I had to make my own decisions.  I wore what I wanted, did what I wanted, took care of myself.  I didn't make good decisions all the time.  I went a little wild.  Then I got tired of it and met the guy I married.

I married him because he didn't seem to try to 'direct' my life.  We got married and he didn't seem to pay attention to me at all.  He went the other way too far.  I felt like I was in a relationship where I was replacing his mom...I took care of everything.  He went about his life enjoying himself...and the only time he gave me any attention is when he wanted sex.

I thought that it was because he wasn't happy about the jobs he had to work and I helped him get into the school he had wanted to go to in order to get the career he wanted.  Once he was out, we ended up having to move to another state, far away from family.  We had 2 small children by then.  Once I got there, I was shocked by the person he had become.  Suddenly he was a bully.  He talked to me like I was NOT someone he even liked.  He ordered me around and yelled at me like I was a brainless twit. 
I was separated from everyone I ever counted on and there was no support.  He partied with people I didn't know and I was with the kids.  I tried getting a job in the evenings when he could be with the kids...but he would drag them off to a friend's and make them sit in front of TV and yell at them if they moved.  I had to quit my job.  I didn't want to try and hire a babysitter because at that time there was a lot of reports on TV about parents finding out their kids were being abused by babysitters.  That was more anxiety than I could handle. 

Then he started being physical with our young son.  I knew I had to escape. He was angry at me because by then, there was no sex life.  I was so very anxious...having panic attacks...and dangerously depressed at the same time.  I got a job at a local daycare working as a pre-K teacher and l loved that job.  Our daughter went to work with me and was in a room down the hall where I could keep an eye on her.  And I could take my son to school and be home when he got off the bus.  I saved what money I could and plotted our 'escape'.  I talked Troy into letting me and the kids move back 'home' and stay with our parents while he went through his transition into another job.  He had been looking to leave the company where he was to take a job somewhere else in order to get into more of a management role.  So, he helped us pack and move...for the summer.  I had to do it this way because I really did not trust what he would do if he knew I was just planning on divorcing him.  His behavior was erratic and violent at times. 

While he was separated from us in a new job, new state, he began calling and begging for us to get back together.  He said he missed me and the kids and he promised he had changed. The kids complained that they wanted their daddy back. Living in my parents' house was a pressure cooker because not only did she criticize me, she criticized my kids. Always...like my kids were freaks and I had not raised them right.  When he got a job back in our state, I decided to try again.  I was always hopeful that we would have that happily ever after.  I wanted my family.  And, frankly, my self esteem was not strong enough to believe I could do it...I could get my own place, job, support the kids and raise them on my own.  I did not have the inner strength and faith in myself.  And knowing that fed the voices in my head.

But the new venue and having us back together did not make him happy.  It wasn't long before he was going on long tirades.  Long diatribes as to what we ALL did wrong, treating us as brainless.  I began to suspect he was getting drugs somewhere.  I couldn't prove anything.  I did not know for sure if it was a drug thing or just a mental problem.  I was an emotional and mental mess. 

Then he lost that job and I was one big walking ball of anxiety and the thoughts of worthlessness were too loud to stop.  I flung myself in between him and the kids the best I could when he started the long diatribes at them...constantly with the speeches about what was wrong with them.  Our poor son...he got bullied at school and home was not even safe.  I did what I could to bolster him.  Our daughter would just run and hide in her room...all the time the anxiety was building. 

He got a job closer to family and we moved.  He went before us while we waited until the school year was over.  By the time we joined him, he had gotten himself hooked on drugs and I did not know it.  I was so naïve I did not know what the problem was...well, to make a long story short...more anxiety, and by then I blamed myself for everything that happened wrong.  After all, I was stupid, right? My anxiety was so great I almost was immobile.  I could not think straight...I was stupid, worthless...and I must have caused this.  I was not a good enough wife.  Any strength I had left in me I used to help the kids get through it.  I felt so low for putting the kids through it.  What kind of mom was I?

So...when people constantly tell me I am strong and smart and I can do anything...the voice in my head tells me different.  I am trying SO hard not to let the anxiety take over so that I do stupid stuff and act out.  Yes...act out.  In the past, when I was so anxious that I thought I was going to have a melt down...a melt down so horrible that I would end up in a rubber room in a straight jacket, I did inappropriate things...like an online affair, of sorts.  It was how I coped...it was a different world to me...and escape.  And, no...I didn't think of anyone else.  It was my escape from my reality.  It was the only way I could safe guard myself...so that I had some sanity left to help my son.  I NEEDED to be someone else in a world that was not 'real'.  After all, I never saw anyone and they were out there somewhere else.  But when it became real, it almost spun me even more out of control.  It was when I got on my knees and prayed to God to 'heal me'...to forgive me for not trusting Him to help me...for seeking out my own escape.  And I had to face up to it all with my then husband.  It was something he told me he could forgive and move on...but it was just something else for him to hit me with for years to come, and feed the voices in my head. 

And, yes, anxiety, at its worst, does not allow you to sit and admit your wrong doing because it is what makes it worse.  You need to feel like the victim.  After all, outside stimuli is what is making you anxious.  I sometimes would relieve my most anxious and worst moments by joking...a lot.  When I was joking the most is when I was feeling the anxiety closing in on me.  My humor was like releasing the pressure in the pressure cooker. 

I felt like I have been 'dancing on the edge of the volcano' because I was afraid people would figure out what a worthless mental case I am.  And seeking help for it has never brought me any real help.  Pills are not the answer.  And any counseling I have tried has yet to be any help.

What did I do instead?  I turned to other people to dump on.  No one out there could really help me.  It is not their job but I let others feed my need to believe I am a good person...that nothing was really my fault. 

The divorce knocked my back down because the voice in my head was louder than ever...worthless, failure, my fault.  I FAILED.  I FAILED.  I am stupid and worthless and I failed.  But most of all, what was I going to do because I am so mental and stupid there is no way I can support myself.  I was going to self destruct in front of my kids and they were going to see how helpless and worthless their mother is. 

I am working SO HARD to quiet that voice in my head.  I am seeking out counseling to TRY AGAIN for some relief.  Some days, it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.  Yes...it is that bad. 

So that email I got ...listing all my faults and sins...just when I was thinking I was making progress in my own head...until then I was actually feeling like I was having days where I could smile, feel calm and better about myself...was not feeling so hurt and forgiving the ex husband for adding to my anxiety...when I felt perhaps I could reclaim some joy...then being BULLIED into believing that once again I was wrong...and then being reminded of how flawed I really am....

It knocked me back down to my knees.  I lost my trust along with everything else. 

Perhaps the one thing it did help me with is this...don't let anyone new into my life because I can't trust them.  They are only waiting for their chance to remind me of the worthless, stupid, lazy person I am. 

Will I make it through this masters program?  Right now I am scared out of my wits that I CAN'T do it.  Will I be able to get a teaching job...and if I do, will I be any good at it?  Right now, I am afraid no one will want to hire me, I will lose the house, I will let my kids down and they will find out they can't have any faith in either one of their parents...then they will give up too.

I have to pray and remind myself that God is there because He is the one that is my only constant that I can have any kind of trust to be there.  He forgives me.  He will strengthen me.  He will not cut me down nor does He hold my sins against me.  He knows about my anxiety and how bad it is.  He knows that everyday I fight to squash it down and keep moving.  Every day. 

Counting

We each have our trials and storms.  Some trials and storms are worse than those that others have to go through.  How we work our way through those storms and trials is our own personal test.  Some people take a harder path than they had to, others find an easier option. 

Our pasts end up defining us in some way...whether it is to make positive changes or negative changes.  Our pasts cause us to react to people and things in a different way...good or bad.  We are all created different.  How we think, feel, react is part of who we are. 

We don't have to like other people's choices.  We may have done something differently.  But, unless you can not only walk in that other person's shoes, but also look at who they are, how they react...and realize it is all part of a whole...previous life events and just innate personality...we have no right to judge.  We do not have to accept them.  We can walk away. 

I am not only cleaning out my physical house, I am cleaning out my personal 'house'.  Those people that are not going to actually add anything to my life, that irritate me, that judge and bully and condemn...I have no reason to have them in my life. 

I am not a bad person.  I may not be the strongest person or anywhere close to perfect but I am who I am.  I do not think I am so bad.  Even though I whine and hold back a lot on doing what I know I SHOULD do.  I am whiney and lazy.  I lick my wounds.  I pray and God will often show me things I don't want to see but I have to admit to. 

I have been put down a lot for the choices I made to stay with my ex husband when he was at his worst.  I did what I did because God laid it on my heart.  It was wrong of me to act the martyr after that.  I whined because I was stupid enough to think that things were going to be better.  While some things changed for the better it only seemed like it was replaced by other things that were so not good. 

BUT...that is all past.  I did what I did...good, bad, or indifferent.  I could have reacted better but you know...I will be the first to admit that I mentally curl up.  Have jumped off the moving train...and not at a good place.  I have recognized this about me.  It is something God is working on. 

God uses people in your life to guide you.  The devil will also use people in your life to try and knock you off your path.  I was feeling a bit too good about my break through in getting past my hurt and anger with the divorce.  The buck shot hit. 

But..weebles wobble but we don't fall down. God picked me up and dusted me off.  He told me that He has my back and there is no reason for me to feel badly about what He has already forgiven me for. He will help me to get over my anxiety and become a stronger person.  He will help me rework my life.  And He will help me let go of the hurt that keeps life with my ex running through my head. 

Troy is who he is.  He is better in some ways.  I pray that our divorce helps him to also become even better.  We got in each other's way. 

God is good.  He is the only judge I need.  He is loving and forgiving.  I know I can count on Him.

Hold Me Up on My Leaning Sides

God holds me up on my leaning sides.  That means, when I feel like I am about to topple over, He will hold me up.  He will not let me fall.

I am so glad that God is there and He is a loving and forgiving God.  Too bad people aren't more like that.  As Christians we are supposed to help and encourage.  As Christians we are supposed to strive to be better. 

I am done holding on to the guilt I have felt over things I have done in my past.  I know that I have changed...God has helped me.  I know that I am a good hearted person.  I regret striking out at the people that have hurt me...I regret holding on to the hurt that I suffered at the hands of others like a badge of honor.  I used it to try and make myself feel better about the sins I have committed.  But really, once I asked God to forgive me for my sins and change my heart and help me to learn from it, I should no longer have felt badly about it. 

For others to throw it back up in your face is low.  I may have thoughts about other people's behavior or choices but I have tried to keep it to myself.  If I voice my displeasure about someone to another person I instantly feel bad about it.  Gossiping and judging is not right.  I am not perfect and I cannot point out the sliver in someone else's eye while I have a beam in my own.  This is something I have tried to stay away from doing basically because it is something I grew up with. 

Criticism...judging.  It is what ultimately caused the demise of my marriage.  We both grew up with people that we loved, and were supposed to love us, criticizing and judging us.  Troy and I both were so used to it that it was all our brains allowed us to hear.  We thought the other one was always unhappy with us and judging and criticizing.  I allowed other people's views on me and Troy to take over my better judgment. 

The marriage was a failure because we let others tell us how right we were and the other one was all wrong.  We should have gone to counseling together and fixed ourselves TOGETHER.   It is something I encourage my kids to do...and with their relationships.  I have sat my son and his fiancée down and told them they should go to couple counseling together since they both have grown up with condemnation and criticism.  I told them that they need to fix themselves together so that they can hear each other without feeling like they are being criticized by one another.  As for my daughter, I want her to have some faith in herself.  They are both very smart kids and they have good hearts. 

I am struggling to stand and feel better about myself...to right my wrongs.  I did not need someone else, who had no right, to list my PAST sins/mistakes.  It is the reason I never sent the email to my ex husband.  I needed to get it out so that I didn't hit him over the head with it anymore.  I realized that I had been holding onto the hurt.  He has changed, somewhat.  He still did not support me in the way I needed to be supported.  BUT I was too busy holding onto the hurt. 

I am who I am.  I am flawed.  But I am not stupid.  And I know to go to God for my guidance, not some other flawed person.  I should not have turned around and done the same thing to that person that she did to me.  Until my last post, I never said anything to her about my OPINIONS on her life because I knew it was just my opinion and I have no right to judge.  I know she struggles and I pray for her and trust that God is helping her work out her life the way it should be.  It is not my life.  It is hers.  I did not, and will not, live it.  If asked I can give a bit of my observation and it may help or it could be totally off base.  If someone gets some help from my observation then good.  If they choose to shrug it off then that is okay too.  Who am I to say, "I see a train wreck in your future if you don't do what I say."  I do not KNOW for sure.  The only one that does know is God.  Pray on it.  He will give you the answers you need when you need them.

I cannot abide someone tearing me down and throwing my sins in my face.  I have no right to tell Troy he is wrong.  We both were.  And it is that realization that has helped us be able to set things aside and communicate.  Our divorce will be the biggest blessing for us.  While I still do not agree with some of the choices he makes, God will fix what needs to be fixed with him and what I think needs to be fixed is MY problem.  I have my hands full fixing myself. 

I pray that those that choose to judge me and tear me down will learn to fix themselves and deal with their own lives.  To knock me back down when I am struggling to pick myself up and stand on my own two feet is unexcusable.  That person is NOT right in any way in judging me.  I got another email that I deleted before I read it.  I am not the least bit curious as to what was in it. Why would I want to open myself up to more criticism and hurt when I can avoid it?  I am getting better.  And I will continue to get better.  Inspite of everyone.

Jackie is my only true friend.  We know each other's flaws and secrets and neither one of us has EVER pointed a finger at the other one. She has stood by my side in thick and thin.  We encourage each other when we need it, love each other, dry tears and give suggestions when we see each other stuck in the mud and our tires are spinning.  But we have never condemned each other.  I am thankful that God brought her into my life 37 years ago.  She has her faults...and so do I.  Thankfully they are not the same faults.  We love each other anyway. 

So, now I will go on, minus a few more people in my life.  And I am absolutely okay with that. 

Standing My Ground

This is MY place.  I will not run anymore.  I have faced my past, I made amends with what I have done and I became a better person. 

I still have my issues and I have even owned those. I whine.  My life was pretty easy growing up.  The only bad things I can really say about it is that my mother was/is a ball of anxiety.  She spread herself too thin taking care of everything and everyone...then it gave her license to criticize.  And she criticized EVERYONE and still does.  When I got older and found my voice I began to stand my ground.  Sometimes she had to admit that it might not be what she would have done or how she would have done it but it worked and she was....wrong. 

Over the years I have been her sounding board...things between her and dad, dad's family, when she was feeling overwhelmed.  At first it made me anxious but then I realized she just needed to get her thoughts out of her head.  I couldn't give her any help on what to do to change anything and even if I did she negated everything I advised.  I got that she didn't want advice...she wanted to figure it out herself OR she was okay with things the way they were.  It is a trait all of her kids have picked up on.  It is the way we are.  It is our lives and we make our choices and live with them. 

I am judgmental in my own way.  I see people acting in ways that make me uncomfortable.  I don't tell them they are wrong.  It would be wrong for me but it is their life.  They shouldn't have to change their life because it makes me uncomfortable.  And just because I don't like what they do it gives me no right to tell them they are wrong.  I can make the choice to accept it and stick around or walk away. 

The latest 'friendship' was with someone that I was not sure about.  She says she had 'watched' the things I did in the past and was hesitant about reaching out to me.  Well...I really wasn't too sure about wanting to bring her into my life because, even though others patted her on the back and marveled at how she had dealt with her life, etc., I saw it from a different angle.  There are things that she did and was doing, or not doing, that put the gears in motion for quite a few train wrecks up ahead.  I did not agree with decisions she made in her life.  But, slowly and surely I began to accept her and trust her. 

I have been beyond irritated so many times when she criticized things I have done...little things I have done or said to my kids or observations I have made about someone or something and she was quick to inform me how wrong I am.  It has been all I could do to bite my tongue and say to her, "have you looked at your own life?  You don't see the problems that are going on?  You REALLY don't see how some of the decisions you made have created some problems? "  So much easier to blame it all on the ex husband, who, granted, is quite the steaming pile of mess.  But...I'm just saying, no...I would not have done things the way you did.

While I had choices to stick it out with my ex and raise my kids, in hind sight, knowing now what I didn't know then, I should have left him.  But, in making that choice, there are other repercussions from that decision that might not have made things much better.  It MIGHT have avoided some things but created other problems.  I gave up what I wanted to take the hits and shield my kids...allow them to have some things easier in their life.  Was it right?  From where I stood it was.  And I raised my kids to be Christians.  I also raised them with guidance and taught them how to consider what other people may have gone through, and give some allowances.  I also raised to them to make their decisions for their own reasons as to what they considered to be right or wrong and do not let anyone bully them into questioning their own judgment.

We all react differently to outside stimuli.  And while I may have acted erratically and impulsively at times to what felt like overwhelming anxiety and pressure, I eventually owned up to my bad behavior and fixed it.  I apologized to the people that I needed to apologize to and I did not repeat my behavior.  I repented to God.  I should not have to repent to everyone. 

The difference in what I have done compared to my ex's behavior is that he never owned up to what he did.  Until just very recently, anyway.  And, until just very recently, I never got any kind of apology out of him. That is progress.  It has paved the way for some respectful communication between us.

While some people think I meddle in my kids' lives too much, it is interesting how they think that it is perfectly okay to tell a 54 year old woman all the things she is doing wrong in her life, in their opinion, and the problems is it going to lead to...this person that really has no impact on what happens in their life...someone they DON'T REALLY KNOW...yet they criticize her for sticking her nose in her own kids' lives when she sees a problem forming and she can give them advice, guidance that they need...all because they are over 18.  And these kids are mine...I raised them, nurtured them, and love them more than myself.  And it is interesting how some people will ride my back and get mad because, at 54, I don't bow down and do as they tell me to, yet, they will watch their own loved ones go about their lives, making mistakes that will impact their lives forever.  I have sat and said nothing because why?  If they think I am wrong for still guiding my children as adults, then they surely wouldn't do anything to try and influence their own kids.

I do not care how old my children get...I am still older and have been there, done that.  I do not bully them into thinking I am right.  I do not throw the switch to make that train take a different track.  I sit them down, tell them the things I see, tell them what I THINK, yet, tell them that it is not my relationship (or life), I am not living it but perhaps what I am seeing or thinking may have some merit.  It is up to them to take my observations and do something with it or not.  No one EVER has all the information needed about someone else's life.  I know that my kids only tell me part of it...as I don't tell ANYONE everything.  No one does.

As for my marriage, the ex and I both have our issues. Obviously we did not handle them very well or we would have been happier and not divorced.  I point things out to my kids that were wrong about their father's behavior AND mine.  Kids do not want to see their parents as anything imperfect but...they need to know we are human and deal with our own demons.  They need to understand about it all so that they can TRY to NOT repeat that behavior or it can become a vicious cycle from generation to generation.  They need to know that you have their back no matter how old they are.

I dug up what my husband did to me in the past.  I went through it all.  I vented, ranted and raged.  But in the end, it is I the past.  I should not be judged for being hurt by it or ranting about it.  I also should not be judged for mistakes I made in my past.  It was my past.  And, as I said, the difference is I have not repeated it.  I was ashamed, I recognized what I did was wrong and I repented.  God helped me change.

I have cried and been hurt by my ex.  And, while he and I had the same issue of bad communication and trust...and it drove us apart...I was still there for him no matter what.  He needed to know he had someone that would help him clean up a mess.  And while SO MANY PEOPLE around me told me not to do it, I could not listen to them.  This was my life, he was part of my life and my kids' lives.  He was a flawed human being...just like me.   I promised to love, honor and obey until death do us part.  I was not going to turn my back when he needed someone and I seemed to be that someone he needed.  God has taught me to have compassion.  And through it all, my kids know and understand that they can count on me to be there, dust them off, and NOT say, "I told you so" because we all do things we were warned not to, and get bit by it.  It is called learning from our mistakes and you don't think it is going to be a mistake for your own reasons.  When it turns out to be a mistake, you don't need someone standing there judging you and telling you how wrong your were.

Because of my anxiety...I let it run me.  I have lost jobs because I gave into it.  To beat someone over the head with that is unforgiveable.  I have my problems.  I deal with them the best I can.  I have tried seeking help in the past and all I got was condemnation and pills.  The pills created other problems and made things go wrong in another direction.  The counseling didn't tell me anything I didn't already know and I was paying for making me feel even more badly about myself than I already did. 

So before you sit there and list all the things that are wrong with me and give me a list of the things I did in my past that were wrong...I know what I have to work on...and I know things that you think are wrong but are actually working better than what you have done.  I know my kids...you don't.  YOu can argue that you do but you don't.  Until you have actual physical interaction with someone...you don't really know them.  And look at that person that you spend your life with...that 'problem' that he had a few months ago that hurt you so badly...the one that you said he had never done before...are you sure?   Are you being honest with yourself about that?  You have been told about it by other women in the past and you got angry at them...telling them that they are misinterpreting him.  So, again, why should I have ever said anything?  You are a 'kill the messenger' kind of person because you don't want to face the truth.  And look at your family...there are problems with them and they are struggling.  So much easier to blame all of that on the ex, isn't it.  Because there is nothing that you did that would have contributed to it, at all.  Because you are the Queen of all saints and that gives you the right to keep a list of everyone else's transgressions. 

My life may not have SEEMED as bad as yours and you had to go through a lot of things I didn't have to go through...and I thank God every day for things being easier for me...but that doesn't give you the right to rake someone over the coals when they don't agree with your advice that you insist on shoving down their throats.  In essence, you have treated me no better than my ex...you get mad when I don't listen to you when you insist you are right and I am wrong then you tell me all the things I did to cause you to walk away.  Again, this is another situation that I hung on to when I shouldn't have.  And, again, I am the one that gets the finger pointed at me when you can't take responsibility for your own life. 

Trust is something that I am not very liberal with.  I am reminded over and over again why that is.

I am not going to sit here and think to myself, " oh, I am such a terrible person.  She is right."

You are NOT right.  I evolve...I admit...I take on way more of the guilt that I probably should.  I may complain and whine when I need some absolution because I do NOT deserve to treated as badly as I have been treated.  I am a good person that sometimes makes bad decisions but at least I recognize and correct.  You are the worst of all...you judge, you condemn, and you do NOT take responsibility for how the decisions you made impacted those that you love.  You walk through your life with blinders on.  But...again...you will not see this.

There are LOTS of people out there that support without feeling a need to dump. They are people that understand and forgive.  They see how I struggle and make the effort to change and become a better person.  Not having someone like you in my life will be better for me. 

I may be choosie as to who I let into my life, and sometimes I choose wrong, but I am not going to tell that person what is wrong with them and how special they should have felt because I even gave them a chance to get to know me.  That is just plain crap.  I don't feel better for having had you in my life...because there is something wrong with someone that will turn around and give you a list of all the things that you have done wrong in the past 10 years and tell you why they didn't WANT to be your friend.  Then for 10 years they laugh with you and egg you on in some ways...back up bad thoughts and behavior THEN turn around and throw it in your face and tell you that you are the one that was wrong and they didn't approve. 

I think YOU still need some counseling...along with your whole family because what you think is working is not.  You said that you would hope that if I saw something going bad that I would tell you...and I have not said anything.  Well...now I have.  BUT it is just my opinion from where I am sitting. 

While I should have followed my instincts and not married who I did, I should have followed my instincts in this case too and not let you in or trusted you.  Again...another bad decision I will learn from.

Backbone

I am a wimp.  I am not happy about it.  I know I am and it really upsets me when people that say they have known me since I was young always tell me that they have always seen me as someone that is strong and has always known what she wants.

I have always been anxious, scared, and have not had any faith in myself.  I can make excuses for it but everyone can make excuses for their behavior. 

I have done things impulsively that I have regretted.  I am harder on myself than anyone else ever will be.  I beat myself up daily. 

Truth be told, I am not much better than Troy.  He does it outloud.  He will list the things he has done wrong, then comes the 'BUT" and he points the finger at someone else.  I have criticized HIM for playing the victim. 

I do the same.  The difference is, I beat myself up and let OTHERS tell me how I shouldn't BECAUSE...and then THEY blame someone else for me!  I sit there and let it happen.  And I feel guilty...and vindicated at the same time. 

Getting beat up by someone else that has been there supposedly supporting me and doing the blaming right along with me is heart wrenching.  When I am trying to face my fears, build myself up while admitting to my mistakes...then having someone list ALL that you have done wrong...

While I wrote a letter to Troy and put it on here...going through all he has done wrong in the last 25 years...my reply to him blaming me for the divorce....I didn't send it to him.  I was going to BUT...I prayed about it and God took that from me.  I considered what Troy told me.

And while I had sat and told the kids the reasons why I was not concerned about their father anymore, all the things he had done, most of which they had observed, some they didn't know about and I had no business sharing with them, I had to go back and point out all the things I had done wrong...most of which they knew about.  I also had to reiterate, while their father and I did not have a healthy relationship, he loved them.  He may not have put their feelings before his (which I did NOT point out to them) I wanted them to understand that he did love them and he showed it in his own way.  They just were not as connected to him as I was.  I was the one that did things with them and for them.  Their father did things for them...with money.  To make their lives nicer.  It was how he knew to do it.  And they should not vilify him for that.  I was not ever the one that did that.  It was something TJ had brought up.  I don't know who pointed that out to him like that...or if it was his own thoughts. 

The problems they have with him is all the incessant bullying...ranting on and on to them (mostly TJ) about all the things that he did that were wrong and how he did things wrong...that he was lazy and selfish.  It made me anxious too because it brought me back to my younger years.

I DID send Troy an email.  The one I sent him was acknowledgement that I understood that our marriage not working out was not all his fault.  I acknowledged my part of it.  If I am going to put him down for his behavior, I should acknowledge mine.  There are things I did in the past that were not right.  At the time of it happening, I apologized to him...asked him if he could forgive me and would understand if he couldn't.  I will admit my mistakes.  I will do what I can to fix the damage. 

I remember when TJ was struggling the hardest with his anxiety and panic attacks.  I tried to help him feel better by pointing out other kids that had much more to overcome and how they had dealt with it. Then one day he said to me, "that is not helping me because that is not MY reality.  THIS is my reality.  THIS is what I have to deal with!"  I have always remembered that.

So while I have had more than one person point out to me how much better my divorce situation was than theirs, and it has piled more shame on me that I already feel about being so weak and whining about it all, what it comes down to is this...I am sorry they had it so rough.  I am pretty sure I would have buckled under it.  However, that should not mean that I still can't feel badly about going through a divorce.  While my marriage might have had a lot of bad...there was still some sweet.  And it was the sweetness that makes this hard.  I was naïve enough to hold out hope and faith that it was getting better...I was childish enough to believe that I would still get my happily ever after.  No matter what we had been through, no matter how hurt I felt, I always ashamedly knew I was not blameless but I did not voice it out loud to anyone because I have beat myself down about my failings and wrong doings over and over.  I keep myself anxious and depressed.  I do not like myself very much.  I really don't.  I count on others to make me feel good about myself.  And when the others I count on point out my shortcomings...even things I have already thought I dealt with...it magnifies it all. 

No, I should not be leaving it up to others to help me feel good about myself.  Isn't that what everyone does with relationships in the end?  I can look in my own mirror...I don't need someone else holding it up there for me. 

I grew up with criticism.  My mother had, so that's what she knew.  I have tried to overcome it.  I have failed.  I think I'm making headway then...someone reminds me of who I really am.  Am I not allowed to have gone beyond the mistakes I made in the past?  I know that is what I did with that email I published on here that I wrote to Troy. But that is also the reason I did not send it to him. I had let him get beyond all of that stuff.  I did not bring it up to him. When he wrote me an email blaming me for the divorce it hurt and that is when I went back through all of the things he had done to hurt me. 

In the end, I really blame myself more for the divorce than I do him.  And that is the reason I have had such a difficult time getting over it So what if I allowed others to bash him along with me?  I need to believe that I am not as bad as I have come to believe.  I am not the victim anymore than he is.  Yet, we ARE victims...of our own past.   He is broken...but so am I.  His reasons for being broken are more obvious than mine.  Everyone thinks I had a very plush easy life growing up. And I did, compared to some.  Then again...their reality.  What happened to others has no way of impacting how my day works. 

So, because my upbringing seemed to be easy and because my life altogether seemed to be easy, I should not complain about or feel anger or sadness at the outcome. 

So who is next?  Who else wants to line up and remind me what is wrong with me?  I may have listed it here, and on previous blogs, what I disliked about my ex-husband's behavior but I did not do it to his face.  I knew that he was broken and I did not want to add to it. 

I would just like to feel safe being me.  I would like to feel safety in sharing with people and they can realize that I am not that person anymore.  I know I don't do some things right.  I don't know everything.  I have hurt people that didn't deserve it.  I have made stupid choices when I have felt under a huge weight of anxiety.

I had an online thing going with someone at one time during a time when I was under a major load of anxiety.  Troy was putting me under pressure about TJ's panic attacks and I was getting threats from the schools about children services taking him away and me getting thrown in jail.  Troy's solution was to force TJ to school every day and basically carry him into the school while he was having a panic attack.  The school didn't want him there while he was having a panic attack...yet, they didn't want him missing school.  Troy didn't want to help deal with it.  He did not approve of TJ being pulled out of public school and placed in online school.  I was dancing on the edge of my volcano. Then there was someone who told me all the things I wished my husband was telling me...giving me the encouragement I wished my husband was giving me.  And I went with it.  I knew it was wrong but it was my one place of escape.  Then, when it came right down to it...when I started to feel safer about what was going on in my own home, I came out of it.  I am still ashamed to this day that I caved under my anxiety and made a bad choice.  And that is what I apologized to my husband for.  I did not make excuses to him.  I told him I was so sorry...I was ashamed...if he wanted to leave me I would understand.  He chose to give me another chance. 

Looking back I know that he and I hurt each other and mistrusted each other all along the way. 

I am making peace with all I have done and who I am.  I am striving to be a better person.  I am allowing myself time to change and get it right.  If anyone finds something wrong with what I have written then by all means...feel free to keep it to yourself.  I am sure that at some point in time I will beat MYSELF over the head with it.  .

Curses!

I went back 'home' to visit with my parents and friends a few weeks ago.  My mother has had a habit over the last couple of years of cleaning out her cupboards and storage areas in the house.  She is continually trying to give one of her offspring some of the things she has decided to get rid of. 

When I got married, my dad's parents had died not long before.  I ended with some things from their home...couch, end tables, come cooking implements, and the Buick.  Eventually, we ended up in the house they had owned when my father was growing up and when I was young.  They had sold the house to a woman who now had it up for sale and it was in a good spot and at a good price so Evil Spawn and I bought it.

My dad's parents were both of Scottish decent.  And they both loved to drink...a lot...and swear up a storm  My father was different because his grandmother (his mom's mom) was a Christian, did not approve of her daughter or son-in-law's behavior and would take my father to Sunday School and church with her.  He grew up NOT being a drinker.

My dad's mom was a mean old bat.  His father mellowed with age and began making the family cut down on the cursing and drinking at family picnics in respect of us.

Because of many events in our married life I began to get rid of the stuff we had from my grandparents.  We ended up selling the house and moving to Arkansas, and from there I started ridding out the rest of the stuff.  I was convinced it was cursed.  After all, quite a bit of the Scottish population had been pagans and, for all I know, it was a curse that followed through the generations. 

It was while we were back in Austinburg, when Evil Spawn was off on a crack trip, that I found the last little thing that had belonged to my grandmother and tossed it.  Evil Spawn rehabbed, was offered his old job back and we ended up staying in the same place for 11 years now.  Well...he's gone...but we are still here. 

Then, on this last trip to visit, Mom showed me an old rolling pin with a cover.  She said it had belonged to my dad's mom and no one else wanted it.  I hesitated slightly but thought, "It was in my head and this is a family relic"  I didn't need another rolling pin but I took it.  I put it in my suitcase and forgot about it. 

Then...my car had a weird problem with the negative battery cable, the fridge quit and it took me a whole week of pretzel athletics to get it running again, THEN the next night my furnace started sputtering and it was something I knew how to fix, luckily BUT it hadn't done it ALL winter.  When that happened I remembered the rolling pin.  I took it out and put it in the garbage can.  Unfortunately I am not sure that counts since the garbage can is in my attached garage.  Either I take it some place else and toss it, which would constitute carrying it in my SUV, or wait until Friday when the garbage is collected. 

On top of it all, I fell a week behind in my class and the instructor has been very nice about extending me extra time.  I could not concentrate!  It isn't anything all that intense...just can't seem to penetrate.

I told my sisters about the rolling pin and before I even told them about all that has happened they told me to get rid of it.  When I told them what has happened since I came back home, they told me to toss it...literally...like a shot put.  LOL

Anyone want a possibly cursed old wooden rolling pin?

When the Time Comes

Many people have given me advice and opinions about what I should do/feel/think throughout my marriage and divorce.  Much of this advice has come after I have vented/shared things in my life with them.  I expect them to give some input after I have dumped on them.  If you are going to put it out there then you should expect them to put it out there.

I learned a long time ago that when people dump things on you it is not really their whole life they are sharing.  There are always other variables that you really are not getting.  What they are giving to you is something that is affecting them in such an overwhelming way at that moment in time that they can't contain it. And sometimes what they are sharing with you now has already concluded itself or had something else going with it.  You don't know it all. 

Throughout my marriage, for instance, there were a lot of things that I didn't tell people that went on.  There were more bad things or I didn't share all the good things.  I may have shared some of the things my kids went through but did not share it all...mostly the way they managed.

The same with my divorce.

I have been open with my kids about a lot of stuff.  We have always been close and I mostly kept the lines of communication open because I needed to undo any damage their father may have caused.  I was the safe haven they knew they could come to and share their thoughts and feelings.  I did not judge and tried very hard (and sometimes it was very hard) not to negate their feelings or diminish their point of view.  I would interject a possible other point of view and leave it at that...told them to think about it and perhaps it might help them with what they were feeling or thinking. 

They are smart kids.  They can figure it out.  My mother never let me figure anything out. She told me what I should be thinking or feeling.  She was kind of a control freak. She was an anxious person and needed to control her world to protect herself.  She had allowed her siblings for years to make her feel stupid and insignificant.  She also is the most generous and strong person.  I also think she unduly puts herself through some hard places she doesn't really need to be in but she is living her life the way she wants for her own reasons. 

I have leaned on God to guide me.  While I dump myself on others when it seems so very overwhelming that I think I am going to explode, and I listen to their input, I ultimately go to prayer and ask God to help/guide/give me wisdom.  And He has given me what I needed in small doses, one step at a time.  He is the only one I will really listen to.  And sometimes the advice and opinions other people give me are something that God will highlight and use to guide me. 

In talking with my kids the last few days I realized that they did their adjusting to the divorce before it even happened.  Their father had belittled them for years.  I propped them up.  We prayed.  They both were able to find their self worth and see their father, and me, for what we are and sort out their feelings about things.  They both concluded that their father was not the role model that they wanted to follow...that he is unstable and unreliable...that he really doesn't have the capacity to really care what anyone else thinks/feels or care how his actions may affect anyone else because he doesn't seem to see any connection between himself and others. 

Interestingly enough, though, they have learned a lot of good things from me, one of the best things they have learned by watching me is what NOT to do to end up in the situation I had myself in.  They worried most about me...more than themselves.  They said while they were actually relieved when their father moved away, they worried that I would eventually leave here and go live with him.  They never understood why I allowed myself to put up with him and his emotional abuse for all these years. They said while I was wisdom and strength for them, I didn't seem to be that for myself. They also knew that I always put them first and would throw myself in front of  a bullet for them.  I accepted them for who they are and did not try to put them down for being different...TJ with his panic attacks and his propensity to obsess about certain things, and Bethany deciding to be a pescatarian.  Their father picked on them about it.  I saw it as them being them and it is something that should be supported and helped them to understand how to guard themselves from other people out there, like their father, that may attack them for their differences as well.

God used their differences and their father's abuse to teach them tolerance.  God used me to teach them to walk in the other guy's shoes and TRY to understand.  At the same time, that did not mean that they had to give up their convictions.  I taught them to decide who they are, what they believe in and where they should draw the line in the sand.  Once they decided on all that, then peer pressure would not be an issue.  With God's support it has worked so far.

I have my lines also...and some people have tried to walk over it, push ME over it, or obliterate it all together.  I have my lines for my own reasons and respect of my feelings, convictions, or view point is something that should be given.  I don't agree with everyone else's view point, etc but I also know they have it for their own reasons and I would not be so bold as to try and change it.

The worst things they have had to deal with throughout this divorce is accepting their dad as what he is and being angry at him is not going to change him.  He is not now just magically going to change a be a better person.  We have all talked about it...their perception of him, what he did to disappoint them...then let it go.  They seem to have done that. They can talk about him and shrug their shoulders and move on.  They know it is what it is and they don't have to like it but they will accept it. 

They also struggled with the guilt of being happy he is gone and that they are adults now and they really do not have to communicate with him if they don't want to.  Their father evidently felt he fulfilled his obligation toward the family and in so doing, they do not feel obligated to him anymore either.  They also never felt comfortable with his side of the family.  They spent more time with their father's side of the family than they did mine...and they concluded that they did not care for their way of thinking or the lifestyles they have.  They were torn about what to do about that.  I just told them that they are related to their father's family.  I am not. They get to CHOOSE how much they do or do not want to interact with them...but they will do it without me not because I am being mean but because I have not real ties to these people.  I do like my one ex SIL and she and I kept in contact about HER family...and I like 2 out of 3 of her kids and their families.  Those kids keep in contact with me also.  I told my kids that just because they are related does not mean they are obligated.  And that goes for my side of the family also.  They are adults now and they can decide who they keep in touch with and interact with...and they don't have to do it all at once. As the years go by some relationships will disappear on their own.  They seemed to be okay with that too. 

TJ did tell me that at first he felt like he was a terrible person to feel so happy that his dad was gone...and even happier when his dad divorced me.  He said he just did not want to deal with him anymore. He said he went to church and prayed about it and one night at church, the pastor gave a message that helped him understand about his dad and that he can forgive him for how he treated everyone because he really can't help being anyway else...at this time.  He also realized he COULD back off from his dad and only check in on him from time to time and he is okay with that too.  He just worried about me taking it so hard.  He was confused by my reaction to it all. 

Bethany already had her dad figured out. She only seemed disturbed and angry at first that he seemed to leave us all.  Then I told her to think about what she had concluded about her dad already and apply that.  He didn't necessarily abandon her, he loved her.  He just was too self centered and self involved to really take the time to understand how this may feel to her or how he may be hurting her.  She said she really does get that.  She told me she is no longer angry with him, she feels more sorry for him that he doesn't know how to connect and she knows he had problems.  She also does get that he does love her, in his way.  She also does like it better that he is gone.  She communicates with him sporadically but she communicates with him like he communicates with her...when she has a moment and feels perhaps there is something that he might WANT to know.  But she communicates with him the way he communicates with her and TJ...it is her life and what she does is no one's business...or HIS business.

And after much prayer, and Joyce Meyer messages, I am in a place where I no longer am angry with myself.  Sure, I lost my way and let myself be minimalized by him.  I allowed a lot of things I shouldn't have.  My world has changed a great deal and I had to realize that it IS for the better and God will guide me and be there to support me.  I am not angry at him because it would be like being angry at a skunk for being a stinker.  He is what he is.  I tried to set a good example most of the time and God tried to shake him up and open his eyes, but you can't make changes in someone who doesn't want to change or sees nothing wrong with the way they are.  And with that knowledge I am able to forgive him for anything he did to me or the kids.  I pray that someday, still, God will be able to penetrate and the light will shine on him. 

As the song says," I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.  I can see all obstacles in my way."  Well, I CAN'T see all obstacles in my way but I can see more clearly.  I am suddenly feeling calmer, better about myself, and I am okay with him being gone.  Better than okay...I am breathing easy and steady and excited about my future.  I don't know if there will ever be anyone else...time will tell and I am in no hurry to find out.  I just want to get my feet more firmly planted and facing the sunrise. 

My kids told me they are relieved that the mom that has been the one constant in their lives. the one person they know they could count on all along, the person that has been strong for everyone else, is now being strong for herself and confident in who she is and what she can do.  I was the last piece of their anxiety. 

While I cherish those moments every now and then when they do have an evening to spend with me, eating dinner, talking, watching a movie...and when they want to go to or take me to a concert with them...I do not hold them back.  They do, once in a while, express their concern with whether or not they should hang back and 'babysit' me, I shove them out the door and tell them this is their time now.  I am happier knowing they are out there living THEIR lives and I am figuring out mine.  I may be lonely sometimes but I am fine and use my lonely time to work more on myself...with God's help. 

They will worry about me as I worry about them. But that's what people do that love each other.  We do not worry about Evil Spawn because it does no good.  We pray for him and leave him in God's hands.  We know that he may mess up or create a problem but we also know that God will help us deal with what we need to deal with when the time comes.