You can allow God to use people and situations to strengthen you or you can allow satan to use people and situations to make you bitter and tear you down.
I got up this morning feeling horrific pain again. I stopped and prayed to God to give me the strength that I need to get through the day, for the pain to depart, for me to be mentally strong as well...to give me the mental clarity I need to do what He needs me to do.
Then, I sat down with my coffee and turned on the TV to the Christian channels. I did not see anything that I usually watched so I watched an archived Joyce Meyer broadcast that I had not fully watched earlier. Living Amazed. She read from her journals. So many miracles. She pointed out what seemed like small miracles but they were still miracles...and sometimes the small miracles are what makes the impact. She also talked about the negative people...the negative voice in your own head. Then, I listened to a minister that I had never listened to before.
Here is what I have been directed to...to understand:
God is ALWAYS there. Doesn't matter where you go, He is there. He loves you no matter what. He knows your faults, your weaknesses...and He loves you anyway. When He convicts you of your wrong doings and you repent and ask forgiveness, He forgives you. That sin is washed away.
I am so thankful, everyday, that when I ask God to help me/change me/remove my sin and make me a better Christian, He does just that. He does not come back at me with my past to knock me down again.
I allowed God to use a recent heart break to open my eyes and my heart. I have worked so hard with God for years to 'clean up my act' and cultivate a reputation of trust...that I am who I say I am and people can trust me. I have changed my ways, with God's help. I have made sure that stupid decisions I have made would not be stupid decisions repeated.
God used something recently to help open my eyes and clean things up further for me.
Troy tried to change. The problem was he tried too hard to change on his own. I held back from doing what God has wanted me to do. I truly believed that God brought Troy and me together for a reason. But neither Troy nor I co-operated fully. I think together, if the both of us had truly opened up to God, we could have done great things. But we ended up hindering each other. Now that we are free of each other, and free of condemning each other, maybe now God can get through.
I have been shown that I need to be alone to learn to rely on God and His guidance and grace instead of relying on others to give me advice and help me to feel better about myself. I was reminded that the past is the past. We should not hit each other over the head with it. God had kind of nudged me with that realization earlier, but then He used a recent flogging to make me understand even more what that felt like. It is burned in my heart and mind now and I will pray that I am sure never to do that to someone else again. I will not do it to Troy ever again. He doesn't deserve it, either. No one does.
I was reminded to wake up and be amazed with God every day. I am more solitary now. I do not have to be quite so solitary but it is for a reason. This is my time for God to be the one that I turn to...the only one I listen to...the one that will guide me and make the changes I need to make in my life. I will not be listening to other voices out there that think they can/should direct my life...point out my flaws, what is wrong, what I should be thinking or what I should be doing or how to do it.
Sometimes what, or who, you think is someone that helps you or you need in your life really is not any of that. It is not their fault that you leaned and trusted. I have too many times ended up leaning in the wrong direction. God had to pull that post out from under me. It can be a harsh lesson but I hope it is a lesson for more than just me.
I left the TV running into another message from another pastor that I did not know. I really wasn't paying attention to him. I was looking through something on a ministry site on my phone. But something he said poked through and got my attention. He said that you need to go to church for the 'safety'. And a light bulb went on and illuminated that. Safety.
When things in the world seem to be churning and getting worse, when Christians seem to be so under attack that they don't even support each other...safety is something that is in short supply.
So, I will close this and be off to church. For safety.
God is amazing. He is who will strengthen me and guide me. He will heal me. He will make me a better servant. He will give me safety.
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