The Age of Enlightenment

Morning counseling done.  With the help of God...my mind and emotions finally got me to a place where I could see clearly.  Counseling allowed me to rail about my feelings and throw the blame around as much as I needed to...for a while.  It allowed me to stir up the tornado and let it move around...creating a path of destruction for a while.  It needed to run its course and die.  And I am grateful that Troy allowed it to happen. 

Once it was done, it had cleared everything out of the way.  I was left standing in a clearing and the bright sun shown down.  And then it was time.  It was time for me to face all the realities of everything.  This divorce wasn't about what he had done/didn't do.  It wasn't about what I had done/didn't do.  It was about the fact that we did not DEAL with anything.  Our communication was awful.  We didn't deal with it.  We did not LISTEN, we did not share...we ignored it and ignored it.

I had to admit that my anger was not about what he had done in the past.  My anger was not about what we had ignored.  My anger was the fact that I still believed that we would have that chance to finally fix it and NOT ignore it anymore.  We could make a commitment to get that counseling.  But he pulled the plug on everything before we could do that.  I am not angry at him for doing it.  I am just angry because we didn't get that chance to TRY and right our wrongs. 

I am also angry at me for not admitting what I wanted to do/thought out loud to anyone else.

Yes, he has some serious flaws that he would need to be willing to face, accept and be willing to change.  So do I.  If we do not face them and take steps to change them, history will repeat itself.

The next step in my healing is to accept that there is no more chances.  It is dead, not coming back (kinda like Dr. McDreamy)...and accept that WE both dropped the ball.  I could sit and exam WHY we did, but the thing is I don't need to because it doesn't matter.  I just have to realize that WE did not give the problem the time and attention it needed.  We did not feed the fish or clean the tank...the fish went belly up. 

Through all of this, clearing everything out of the way, I did find the reasons why I had loved him and married him.  I can look at that fondly and I can have those feelings of bitter sweetness without hurting about it or mourning it. 

Further steps...get over the anger of what ultimately happened.  WE are to blame. I need to lay down that weight of anger and walk away.  Accept, move on.

But now, in order for me to move on, I also need to move him out of my life.  And not because I harbor any ill will towards him...because I need to look forward and work on finding what there is I like/love about myself.  I need to spend time with myself.  He is no longer my concern and I need to make ME my concern.  And once his stuff is finally out of here I can do all of that.

I also shared with Troy what I had learned in my counseling sessions.  I told him that I am hoping that he will consider what I have to share...about how to heal a relationship...if he wants to heal things with his kids and finally have the relationship they should have had.  I told him if he is willing to take the steps, I will help the kids work through it on this end.  They all need to begin by working through the past garbage so that they can bag it and toss it.  I also told him that he is going to have to keep in mind that, while his kids are technically adults, he is still going to have to approach this from the stand point that he is the parent and supposed to be the example, the mature one. 

I don't know, yet, what his response will be.  I literally pray that he will seriously give it a try.  I would not have broached this with him if it had not been for the email he sent me yesterday where he said his family does mean the world to him and he has a hard way of showing it.  And Bethany had said that she thinks he just doesn't know how to communicate.  The difference is the kids will always have a tie with their dad and have a reason/need to work on things and make it better.  For Troy and I, it is too late and there is nothing left to work on. 

I really do want to see them all knock down the walls, clear out the hurt and resentment and learn how to communicate and love.  It will make life so much better for all of them.  I never wanted them to NOT have a good relationship with their dad.  If this divorce brings about a good change for them, then it is worth it.