Backbone

I am a wimp.  I am not happy about it.  I know I am and it really upsets me when people that say they have known me since I was young always tell me that they have always seen me as someone that is strong and has always known what she wants.

I have always been anxious, scared, and have not had any faith in myself.  I can make excuses for it but everyone can make excuses for their behavior. 

I have done things impulsively that I have regretted.  I am harder on myself than anyone else ever will be.  I beat myself up daily. 

Truth be told, I am not much better than Troy.  He does it outloud.  He will list the things he has done wrong, then comes the 'BUT" and he points the finger at someone else.  I have criticized HIM for playing the victim. 

I do the same.  The difference is, I beat myself up and let OTHERS tell me how I shouldn't BECAUSE...and then THEY blame someone else for me!  I sit there and let it happen.  And I feel guilty...and vindicated at the same time. 

Getting beat up by someone else that has been there supposedly supporting me and doing the blaming right along with me is heart wrenching.  When I am trying to face my fears, build myself up while admitting to my mistakes...then having someone list ALL that you have done wrong...

While I wrote a letter to Troy and put it on here...going through all he has done wrong in the last 25 years...my reply to him blaming me for the divorce....I didn't send it to him.  I was going to BUT...I prayed about it and God took that from me.  I considered what Troy told me.

And while I had sat and told the kids the reasons why I was not concerned about their father anymore, all the things he had done, most of which they had observed, some they didn't know about and I had no business sharing with them, I had to go back and point out all the things I had done wrong...most of which they knew about.  I also had to reiterate, while their father and I did not have a healthy relationship, he loved them.  He may not have put their feelings before his (which I did NOT point out to them) I wanted them to understand that he did love them and he showed it in his own way.  They just were not as connected to him as I was.  I was the one that did things with them and for them.  Their father did things for them...with money.  To make their lives nicer.  It was how he knew to do it.  And they should not vilify him for that.  I was not ever the one that did that.  It was something TJ had brought up.  I don't know who pointed that out to him like that...or if it was his own thoughts. 

The problems they have with him is all the incessant bullying...ranting on and on to them (mostly TJ) about all the things that he did that were wrong and how he did things wrong...that he was lazy and selfish.  It made me anxious too because it brought me back to my younger years.

I DID send Troy an email.  The one I sent him was acknowledgement that I understood that our marriage not working out was not all his fault.  I acknowledged my part of it.  If I am going to put him down for his behavior, I should acknowledge mine.  There are things I did in the past that were not right.  At the time of it happening, I apologized to him...asked him if he could forgive me and would understand if he couldn't.  I will admit my mistakes.  I will do what I can to fix the damage. 

I remember when TJ was struggling the hardest with his anxiety and panic attacks.  I tried to help him feel better by pointing out other kids that had much more to overcome and how they had dealt with it. Then one day he said to me, "that is not helping me because that is not MY reality.  THIS is my reality.  THIS is what I have to deal with!"  I have always remembered that.

So while I have had more than one person point out to me how much better my divorce situation was than theirs, and it has piled more shame on me that I already feel about being so weak and whining about it all, what it comes down to is this...I am sorry they had it so rough.  I am pretty sure I would have buckled under it.  However, that should not mean that I still can't feel badly about going through a divorce.  While my marriage might have had a lot of bad...there was still some sweet.  And it was the sweetness that makes this hard.  I was naïve enough to hold out hope and faith that it was getting better...I was childish enough to believe that I would still get my happily ever after.  No matter what we had been through, no matter how hurt I felt, I always ashamedly knew I was not blameless but I did not voice it out loud to anyone because I have beat myself down about my failings and wrong doings over and over.  I keep myself anxious and depressed.  I do not like myself very much.  I really don't.  I count on others to make me feel good about myself.  And when the others I count on point out my shortcomings...even things I have already thought I dealt with...it magnifies it all. 

No, I should not be leaving it up to others to help me feel good about myself.  Isn't that what everyone does with relationships in the end?  I can look in my own mirror...I don't need someone else holding it up there for me. 

I grew up with criticism.  My mother had, so that's what she knew.  I have tried to overcome it.  I have failed.  I think I'm making headway then...someone reminds me of who I really am.  Am I not allowed to have gone beyond the mistakes I made in the past?  I know that is what I did with that email I published on here that I wrote to Troy. But that is also the reason I did not send it to him. I had let him get beyond all of that stuff.  I did not bring it up to him. When he wrote me an email blaming me for the divorce it hurt and that is when I went back through all of the things he had done to hurt me. 

In the end, I really blame myself more for the divorce than I do him.  And that is the reason I have had such a difficult time getting over it So what if I allowed others to bash him along with me?  I need to believe that I am not as bad as I have come to believe.  I am not the victim anymore than he is.  Yet, we ARE victims...of our own past.   He is broken...but so am I.  His reasons for being broken are more obvious than mine.  Everyone thinks I had a very plush easy life growing up. And I did, compared to some.  Then again...their reality.  What happened to others has no way of impacting how my day works. 

So, because my upbringing seemed to be easy and because my life altogether seemed to be easy, I should not complain about or feel anger or sadness at the outcome. 

So who is next?  Who else wants to line up and remind me what is wrong with me?  I may have listed it here, and on previous blogs, what I disliked about my ex-husband's behavior but I did not do it to his face.  I knew that he was broken and I did not want to add to it. 

I would just like to feel safe being me.  I would like to feel safety in sharing with people and they can realize that I am not that person anymore.  I know I don't do some things right.  I don't know everything.  I have hurt people that didn't deserve it.  I have made stupid choices when I have felt under a huge weight of anxiety.

I had an online thing going with someone at one time during a time when I was under a major load of anxiety.  Troy was putting me under pressure about TJ's panic attacks and I was getting threats from the schools about children services taking him away and me getting thrown in jail.  Troy's solution was to force TJ to school every day and basically carry him into the school while he was having a panic attack.  The school didn't want him there while he was having a panic attack...yet, they didn't want him missing school.  Troy didn't want to help deal with it.  He did not approve of TJ being pulled out of public school and placed in online school.  I was dancing on the edge of my volcano. Then there was someone who told me all the things I wished my husband was telling me...giving me the encouragement I wished my husband was giving me.  And I went with it.  I knew it was wrong but it was my one place of escape.  Then, when it came right down to it...when I started to feel safer about what was going on in my own home, I came out of it.  I am still ashamed to this day that I caved under my anxiety and made a bad choice.  And that is what I apologized to my husband for.  I did not make excuses to him.  I told him I was so sorry...I was ashamed...if he wanted to leave me I would understand.  He chose to give me another chance. 

Looking back I know that he and I hurt each other and mistrusted each other all along the way. 

I am making peace with all I have done and who I am.  I am striving to be a better person.  I am allowing myself time to change and get it right.  If anyone finds something wrong with what I have written then by all means...feel free to keep it to yourself.  I am sure that at some point in time I will beat MYSELF over the head with it.  .