This is MY place. I will not run anymore. I have faced my past, I made amends with what I have done and I became a better person.
I still have my issues and I have even owned those. I whine. My life was pretty easy growing up. The only bad things I can really say about it is that my mother was/is a ball of anxiety. She spread herself too thin taking care of everything and everyone...then it gave her license to criticize. And she criticized EVERYONE and still does. When I got older and found my voice I began to stand my ground. Sometimes she had to admit that it might not be what she would have done or how she would have done it but it worked and she was....wrong.
Over the years I have been her sounding board...things between her and dad, dad's family, when she was feeling overwhelmed. At first it made me anxious but then I realized she just needed to get her thoughts out of her head. I couldn't give her any help on what to do to change anything and even if I did she negated everything I advised. I got that she didn't want advice...she wanted to figure it out herself OR she was okay with things the way they were. It is a trait all of her kids have picked up on. It is the way we are. It is our lives and we make our choices and live with them.
I am judgmental in my own way. I see people acting in ways that make me uncomfortable. I don't tell them they are wrong. It would be wrong for me but it is their life. They shouldn't have to change their life because it makes me uncomfortable. And just because I don't like what they do it gives me no right to tell them they are wrong. I can make the choice to accept it and stick around or walk away.
The latest 'friendship' was with someone that I was not sure about. She says she had 'watched' the things I did in the past and was hesitant about reaching out to me. Well...I really wasn't too sure about wanting to bring her into my life because, even though others patted her on the back and marveled at how she had dealt with her life, etc., I saw it from a different angle. There are things that she did and was doing, or not doing, that put the gears in motion for quite a few train wrecks up ahead. I did not agree with decisions she made in her life. But, slowly and surely I began to accept her and trust her.
I have been beyond irritated so many times when she criticized things I have done...little things I have done or said to my kids or observations I have made about someone or something and she was quick to inform me how wrong I am. It has been all I could do to bite my tongue and say to her, "have you looked at your own life? You don't see the problems that are going on? You REALLY don't see how some of the decisions you made have created some problems? " So much easier to blame it all on the ex husband, who, granted, is quite the steaming pile of mess. But...I'm just saying, no...I would not have done things the way you did.
While I had choices to stick it out with my ex and raise my kids, in hind sight, knowing now what I didn't know then, I should have left him. But, in making that choice, there are other repercussions from that decision that might not have made things much better. It MIGHT have avoided some things but created other problems. I gave up what I wanted to take the hits and shield my kids...allow them to have some things easier in their life. Was it right? From where I stood it was. And I raised my kids to be Christians. I also raised them with guidance and taught them how to consider what other people may have gone through, and give some allowances. I also raised to them to make their decisions for their own reasons as to what they considered to be right or wrong and do not let anyone bully them into questioning their own judgment.
We all react differently to outside stimuli. And while I may have acted erratically and impulsively at times to what felt like overwhelming anxiety and pressure, I eventually owned up to my bad behavior and fixed it. I apologized to the people that I needed to apologize to and I did not repeat my behavior. I repented to God. I should not have to repent to everyone.
The difference in what I have done compared to my ex's behavior is that he never owned up to what he did. Until just very recently, anyway. And, until just very recently, I never got any kind of apology out of him. That is progress. It has paved the way for some respectful communication between us.
While some people think I meddle in my kids' lives too much, it is interesting how they think that it is perfectly okay to tell a 54 year old woman all the things she is doing wrong in her life, in their opinion, and the problems is it going to lead to...this person that really has no impact on what happens in their life...someone they DON'T REALLY KNOW...yet they criticize her for sticking her nose in her own kids' lives when she sees a problem forming and she can give them advice, guidance that they need...all because they are over 18. And these kids are mine...I raised them, nurtured them, and love them more than myself. And it is interesting how some people will ride my back and get mad because, at 54, I don't bow down and do as they tell me to, yet, they will watch their own loved ones go about their lives, making mistakes that will impact their lives forever. I have sat and said nothing because why? If they think I am wrong for still guiding my children as adults, then they surely wouldn't do anything to try and influence their own kids.
I do not care how old my children get...I am still older and have been there, done that. I do not bully them into thinking I am right. I do not throw the switch to make that train take a different track. I sit them down, tell them the things I see, tell them what I THINK, yet, tell them that it is not my relationship (or life), I am not living it but perhaps what I am seeing or thinking may have some merit. It is up to them to take my observations and do something with it or not. No one EVER has all the information needed about someone else's life. I know that my kids only tell me part of it...as I don't tell ANYONE everything. No one does.
As for my marriage, the ex and I both have our issues. Obviously we did not handle them very well or we would have been happier and not divorced. I point things out to my kids that were wrong about their father's behavior AND mine. Kids do not want to see their parents as anything imperfect but...they need to know we are human and deal with our own demons. They need to understand about it all so that they can TRY to NOT repeat that behavior or it can become a vicious cycle from generation to generation. They need to know that you have their back no matter how old they are.
I dug up what my husband did to me in the past. I went through it all. I vented, ranted and raged. But in the end, it is I the past. I should not be judged for being hurt by it or ranting about it. I also should not be judged for mistakes I made in my past. It was my past. And, as I said, the difference is I have not repeated it. I was ashamed, I recognized what I did was wrong and I repented. God helped me change.
I have cried and been hurt by my ex. And, while he and I had the same issue of bad communication and trust...and it drove us apart...I was still there for him no matter what. He needed to know he had someone that would help him clean up a mess. And while SO MANY PEOPLE around me told me not to do it, I could not listen to them. This was my life, he was part of my life and my kids' lives. He was a flawed human being...just like me. I promised to love, honor and obey until death do us part. I was not going to turn my back when he needed someone and I seemed to be that someone he needed. God has taught me to have compassion. And through it all, my kids know and understand that they can count on me to be there, dust them off, and NOT say, "I told you so" because we all do things we were warned not to, and get bit by it. It is called learning from our mistakes and you don't think it is going to be a mistake for your own reasons. When it turns out to be a mistake, you don't need someone standing there judging you and telling you how wrong your were.
Because of my anxiety...I let it run me. I have lost jobs because I gave into it. To beat someone over the head with that is unforgiveable. I have my problems. I deal with them the best I can. I have tried seeking help in the past and all I got was condemnation and pills. The pills created other problems and made things go wrong in another direction. The counseling didn't tell me anything I didn't already know and I was paying for making me feel even more badly about myself than I already did.
So before you sit there and list all the things that are wrong with me and give me a list of the things I did in my past that were wrong...I know what I have to work on...and I know things that you think are wrong but are actually working better than what you have done. I know my kids...you don't. YOu can argue that you do but you don't. Until you have actual physical interaction with someone...you don't really know them. And look at that person that you spend your life with...that 'problem' that he had a few months ago that hurt you so badly...the one that you said he had never done before...are you sure? Are you being honest with yourself about that? You have been told about it by other women in the past and you got angry at them...telling them that they are misinterpreting him. So, again, why should I have ever said anything? You are a 'kill the messenger' kind of person because you don't want to face the truth. And look at your family...there are problems with them and they are struggling. So much easier to blame all of that on the ex, isn't it. Because there is nothing that you did that would have contributed to it, at all. Because you are the Queen of all saints and that gives you the right to keep a list of everyone else's transgressions.
My life may not have SEEMED as bad as yours and you had to go through a lot of things I didn't have to go through...and I thank God every day for things being easier for me...but that doesn't give you the right to rake someone over the coals when they don't agree with your advice that you insist on shoving down their throats. In essence, you have treated me no better than my ex...you get mad when I don't listen to you when you insist you are right and I am wrong then you tell me all the things I did to cause you to walk away. Again, this is another situation that I hung on to when I shouldn't have. And, again, I am the one that gets the finger pointed at me when you can't take responsibility for your own life.
Trust is something that I am not very liberal with. I am reminded over and over again why that is.
I am not going to sit here and think to myself, " oh, I am such a terrible person. She is right."
You are NOT right. I evolve...I admit...I take on way more of the guilt that I probably should. I may complain and whine when I need some absolution because I do NOT deserve to treated as badly as I have been treated. I am a good person that sometimes makes bad decisions but at least I recognize and correct. You are the worst of all...you judge, you condemn, and you do NOT take responsibility for how the decisions you made impacted those that you love. You walk through your life with blinders on. But...again...you will not see this.
There are LOTS of people out there that support without feeling a need to dump. They are people that understand and forgive. They see how I struggle and make the effort to change and become a better person. Not having someone like you in my life will be better for me.
I may be choosie as to who I let into my life, and sometimes I choose wrong, but I am not going to tell that person what is wrong with them and how special they should have felt because I even gave them a chance to get to know me. That is just plain crap. I don't feel better for having had you in my life...because there is something wrong with someone that will turn around and give you a list of all the things that you have done wrong in the past 10 years and tell you why they didn't WANT to be your friend. Then for 10 years they laugh with you and egg you on in some ways...back up bad thoughts and behavior THEN turn around and throw it in your face and tell you that you are the one that was wrong and they didn't approve.
I think YOU still need some counseling...along with your whole family because what you think is working is not. You said that you would hope that if I saw something going bad that I would tell you...and I have not said anything. Well...now I have. BUT it is just my opinion from where I am sitting.
While I should have followed my instincts and not married who I did, I should have followed my instincts in this case too and not let you in or trusted you. Again...another bad decision I will learn from.
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