Dead Weight

I am not really sure what happened. I don't know if it is all the praying that finally worked, or something I read or it just worked its way out...I do credit praying for a lot...I finally FINALLY feel nothing.  Seriously nothing.

Well...I do feel happy.  I feel lighter.  However, I do not feel hurt.  I do not have the deep soul sucking pit of pain invading me anymore.  I do not feel depressed or anxious...sad, mad, bad...

I simply do not care.  And it isn't like I do not care out of anger.  I just don't care.  I don't care what he does with his life or who he does it with.  I do not care if he is having a good or bad day.  I don't care what is going on with him in the slightest.  I don't care if I know anything that is going on with his life.  I don't care to share anything with him.  It has all passed.

And I feel FREE. 

I did manage to have a talk with the kids about how they viewed things.  If they feel I am being fair/unfair about things.  I told them that emotions can get in my way and I don't want them to feel I am being crazy about stuff and unfair to their dad.  I don't want them to be in the middle and uncomfortable with things anymore than would be natural.  So, we discussed how things are and they seemed to feel that everything is okay.  They understand how things were settled in the divorce and that it seems fair.  They said the only thing they have had any struggle with is how their father handled certain situations.

Which brought me around to the gf issue.  I asked them how that affected them and what it was about the whole thing that really bothered them....besides it being weird that daddy had a new woman in his life.

They admitted that is weird but that part they could get used to.  What they have a problem with is how quickly it happened, his attitude about it ("it's my life and no one else's business"), and the fact that she portrays herself as this nasty individual that is someone they would not want to be friends with anyway. 

I told them I just wanted to make sure that they are not giving their dad a hard time about it out of 'loyalty' to me.  I told them that they don't have to hold back because of me.  If they want to get to know her or give their dad's new life a chance to be a part of then do it.  It is weird for me too but I am not going to be mad at them or hurt about it.  It is the way it is.  However, if it is just the person that she is that they object to, that is a different issue and no where is it written that just because daddy picked her do they HAVE to like her or include her in their lives.  Just like IF I ever start dating, if they don't like the guy I am dating because they find him to be a type of person they would not pick to hang with, then they don't HAVE to like him.  However, if he is a decent person, he would deserve a chance.  Just like anyone their dad is with.  It is part of the family relationship package.

Divorce is an unnatural state of affairs.  It makes things complicated.  But, I am now finding myself to like it.  And the weirdest thing...this morning I found myself looking at shoes and dreaming about buying lots of them.

When I first met Troy, I had LOTS of shoes.  Not real expensive fancy models.  Just lots of various colors and types.  But, once we were married and kids started, money was tight, shoes started wearing out and I just never had the money to replace them.  But now that I am looking forward to getting a job and having a paycheck of my own, I am going to start rebuilding my collecting.  And there is the joy in my life...for now.

I am also really loving getting into my classwork now.  Now that my head is clear and I don't have stuff rolling around in it anymore, nor do I have people telling me what I should be doing anymore, I can think clearly about it all and I am really enjoying what I am learning.

I have to take a teacher exam the end of June to get an endorsement on my license to help me get a teaching job.  My second class ends at the end of the first week of June.  I think I am going to ask to put off my third class until after I take the teacher exam.  I want to be able to do a really great job on it.  After all, the test is 4 hours long and $105.  And that is just for Elementary reading.  I am contemplating taking the Middle School math.  That is 4 1/2 hours long and another $105.  yay.

Back to the class.