No Reason

Everytime I bring up my internet explorer it goes to my home page, which is yahoo.  And on the right is a box with subjects/names in it that are 'trending'.  I don't usually pay much attention to it.  After all, what do I really care what Beyoncé wore to the mall or the argument that was caught on tape between some starlet and her latest conquest? 

Are any of those people going to help me in anyway?  Or really hurt me in anyway?  Their lives are so very public.  I could never live under all of that scrutiny.  I want a small, safe world.

You can't always get what you want.

Today is another day of pain.  And overwhelming tiredness.  It used to be days of migraines.  I had a small window of  'normal' between the migraines and the fibromyalgia.  It really wasn't that small...it just seems like it.  I think it was approximately 15 years.  And it was good because there was so much else in my life to deal with at that time that I had no time for the physical pain.

I remember my relatives saying such mean things about my cousin Judy about her fibromyalgia.  No one understood it.  They said she made it up and she was just lazy.  She couldn't keep a job because there were days when the pain and the depression and tiredness won and she would just take to bed...covers over her head and all.  I am scared it is going to happen to me.  The bout I am having right now is the worst yet. 

Something reminded me this morning...about feelings...and are you 'allowed' to have them?

I was younger.  As I wrote earlier, I was a chubby child.  Not really fat but not a thin girl.   I remember once coming home from a Girl Scout meeting and one of the girls there, who was mean to everyone anyways, had said something about my stomach.  I was crying.  My mother angrily told me that I had no reason to cry. My older sister had been very much over weight when she was younger and the she got picked on terribly.  My mother told me that the reason I had no reason to cry was because I was no where near as heavy as my sister had been and that my sister got picked on all the time.  So, because my sister was picked on all the time, my feelings were not allowed to be hurt by one mean girl. 

I remind myself every day that I am blessed.  My divorce situation is not so bad. I have it easy. 

I reminded myself throughout my marriage that it really wasn't that bad.  He didn't beat me.  He didn't come home drunk.  I should be glad he wasn't home so much...less arguing. 

I tried to make myself realize that I was actually blessed.  It is all in my head.  I was whining over nothing.  I was left alone....and I was verbally abused...put down.  But, hey, I had a husband that earned a good living and I had enough money to pay the bills and clothe the kids and feed us all.  We always had a roof over our heads.  I never had a partner to talk to and share things with. So what if I was always walking on eggshells, wondering what mood he was going to be in from minute to minute...what was going to set him off.  I had no reason to be upset or depressed...no reason to cry.  There are women out there that had it so much worse...so I had no reason to feel hurt. 

I wanted too much.  Shame on me for wanting the life that I see so many other of the people I went to school with have...the forever loving spouse and kids that grow up and marry and have kids of their own.  I grew up in a family like that....lots of criticism but we had no reason to let any of that bother us. 

I have 2 great kids that are handling life better than I did.  I pray for them each day that God will continue to bless them and guide them. 

I pray that this pain will lessen for me.  I have a life to find and live.  I pray that I have finally learned not to let other people make me feel good about myself and that I learn to feel good about myself alone.