When the Time Comes

Many people have given me advice and opinions about what I should do/feel/think throughout my marriage and divorce.  Much of this advice has come after I have vented/shared things in my life with them.  I expect them to give some input after I have dumped on them.  If you are going to put it out there then you should expect them to put it out there.

I learned a long time ago that when people dump things on you it is not really their whole life they are sharing.  There are always other variables that you really are not getting.  What they are giving to you is something that is affecting them in such an overwhelming way at that moment in time that they can't contain it. And sometimes what they are sharing with you now has already concluded itself or had something else going with it.  You don't know it all. 

Throughout my marriage, for instance, there were a lot of things that I didn't tell people that went on.  There were more bad things or I didn't share all the good things.  I may have shared some of the things my kids went through but did not share it all...mostly the way they managed.

The same with my divorce.

I have been open with my kids about a lot of stuff.  We have always been close and I mostly kept the lines of communication open because I needed to undo any damage their father may have caused.  I was the safe haven they knew they could come to and share their thoughts and feelings.  I did not judge and tried very hard (and sometimes it was very hard) not to negate their feelings or diminish their point of view.  I would interject a possible other point of view and leave it at that...told them to think about it and perhaps it might help them with what they were feeling or thinking. 

They are smart kids.  They can figure it out.  My mother never let me figure anything out. She told me what I should be thinking or feeling.  She was kind of a control freak. She was an anxious person and needed to control her world to protect herself.  She had allowed her siblings for years to make her feel stupid and insignificant.  She also is the most generous and strong person.  I also think she unduly puts herself through some hard places she doesn't really need to be in but she is living her life the way she wants for her own reasons. 

I have leaned on God to guide me.  While I dump myself on others when it seems so very overwhelming that I think I am going to explode, and I listen to their input, I ultimately go to prayer and ask God to help/guide/give me wisdom.  And He has given me what I needed in small doses, one step at a time.  He is the only one I will really listen to.  And sometimes the advice and opinions other people give me are something that God will highlight and use to guide me. 

In talking with my kids the last few days I realized that they did their adjusting to the divorce before it even happened.  Their father had belittled them for years.  I propped them up.  We prayed.  They both were able to find their self worth and see their father, and me, for what we are and sort out their feelings about things.  They both concluded that their father was not the role model that they wanted to follow...that he is unstable and unreliable...that he really doesn't have the capacity to really care what anyone else thinks/feels or care how his actions may affect anyone else because he doesn't seem to see any connection between himself and others. 

Interestingly enough, though, they have learned a lot of good things from me, one of the best things they have learned by watching me is what NOT to do to end up in the situation I had myself in.  They worried most about me...more than themselves.  They said while they were actually relieved when their father moved away, they worried that I would eventually leave here and go live with him.  They never understood why I allowed myself to put up with him and his emotional abuse for all these years. They said while I was wisdom and strength for them, I didn't seem to be that for myself. They also knew that I always put them first and would throw myself in front of  a bullet for them.  I accepted them for who they are and did not try to put them down for being different...TJ with his panic attacks and his propensity to obsess about certain things, and Bethany deciding to be a pescatarian.  Their father picked on them about it.  I saw it as them being them and it is something that should be supported and helped them to understand how to guard themselves from other people out there, like their father, that may attack them for their differences as well.

God used their differences and their father's abuse to teach them tolerance.  God used me to teach them to walk in the other guy's shoes and TRY to understand.  At the same time, that did not mean that they had to give up their convictions.  I taught them to decide who they are, what they believe in and where they should draw the line in the sand.  Once they decided on all that, then peer pressure would not be an issue.  With God's support it has worked so far.

I have my lines also...and some people have tried to walk over it, push ME over it, or obliterate it all together.  I have my lines for my own reasons and respect of my feelings, convictions, or view point is something that should be given.  I don't agree with everyone else's view point, etc but I also know they have it for their own reasons and I would not be so bold as to try and change it.

The worst things they have had to deal with throughout this divorce is accepting their dad as what he is and being angry at him is not going to change him.  He is not now just magically going to change a be a better person.  We have all talked about it...their perception of him, what he did to disappoint them...then let it go.  They seem to have done that. They can talk about him and shrug their shoulders and move on.  They know it is what it is and they don't have to like it but they will accept it. 

They also struggled with the guilt of being happy he is gone and that they are adults now and they really do not have to communicate with him if they don't want to.  Their father evidently felt he fulfilled his obligation toward the family and in so doing, they do not feel obligated to him anymore either.  They also never felt comfortable with his side of the family.  They spent more time with their father's side of the family than they did mine...and they concluded that they did not care for their way of thinking or the lifestyles they have.  They were torn about what to do about that.  I just told them that they are related to their father's family.  I am not. They get to CHOOSE how much they do or do not want to interact with them...but they will do it without me not because I am being mean but because I have not real ties to these people.  I do like my one ex SIL and she and I kept in contact about HER family...and I like 2 out of 3 of her kids and their families.  Those kids keep in contact with me also.  I told my kids that just because they are related does not mean they are obligated.  And that goes for my side of the family also.  They are adults now and they can decide who they keep in touch with and interact with...and they don't have to do it all at once. As the years go by some relationships will disappear on their own.  They seemed to be okay with that too. 

TJ did tell me that at first he felt like he was a terrible person to feel so happy that his dad was gone...and even happier when his dad divorced me.  He said he just did not want to deal with him anymore. He said he went to church and prayed about it and one night at church, the pastor gave a message that helped him understand about his dad and that he can forgive him for how he treated everyone because he really can't help being anyway else...at this time.  He also realized he COULD back off from his dad and only check in on him from time to time and he is okay with that too.  He just worried about me taking it so hard.  He was confused by my reaction to it all. 

Bethany already had her dad figured out. She only seemed disturbed and angry at first that he seemed to leave us all.  Then I told her to think about what she had concluded about her dad already and apply that.  He didn't necessarily abandon her, he loved her.  He just was too self centered and self involved to really take the time to understand how this may feel to her or how he may be hurting her.  She said she really does get that.  She told me she is no longer angry with him, she feels more sorry for him that he doesn't know how to connect and she knows he had problems.  She also does get that he does love her, in his way.  She also does like it better that he is gone.  She communicates with him sporadically but she communicates with him like he communicates with her...when she has a moment and feels perhaps there is something that he might WANT to know.  But she communicates with him the way he communicates with her and TJ...it is her life and what she does is no one's business...or HIS business.

And after much prayer, and Joyce Meyer messages, I am in a place where I no longer am angry with myself.  Sure, I lost my way and let myself be minimalized by him.  I allowed a lot of things I shouldn't have.  My world has changed a great deal and I had to realize that it IS for the better and God will guide me and be there to support me.  I am not angry at him because it would be like being angry at a skunk for being a stinker.  He is what he is.  I tried to set a good example most of the time and God tried to shake him up and open his eyes, but you can't make changes in someone who doesn't want to change or sees nothing wrong with the way they are.  And with that knowledge I am able to forgive him for anything he did to me or the kids.  I pray that someday, still, God will be able to penetrate and the light will shine on him. 

As the song says," I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.  I can see all obstacles in my way."  Well, I CAN'T see all obstacles in my way but I can see more clearly.  I am suddenly feeling calmer, better about myself, and I am okay with him being gone.  Better than okay...I am breathing easy and steady and excited about my future.  I don't know if there will ever be anyone else...time will tell and I am in no hurry to find out.  I just want to get my feet more firmly planted and facing the sunrise. 

My kids told me they are relieved that the mom that has been the one constant in their lives. the one person they know they could count on all along, the person that has been strong for everyone else, is now being strong for herself and confident in who she is and what she can do.  I was the last piece of their anxiety. 

While I cherish those moments every now and then when they do have an evening to spend with me, eating dinner, talking, watching a movie...and when they want to go to or take me to a concert with them...I do not hold them back.  They do, once in a while, express their concern with whether or not they should hang back and 'babysit' me, I shove them out the door and tell them this is their time now.  I am happier knowing they are out there living THEIR lives and I am figuring out mine.  I may be lonely sometimes but I am fine and use my lonely time to work more on myself...with God's help. 

They will worry about me as I worry about them. But that's what people do that love each other.  We do not worry about Evil Spawn because it does no good.  We pray for him and leave him in God's hands.  We know that he may mess up or create a problem but we also know that God will help us deal with what we need to deal with when the time comes.