Hold Me Up on My Leaning Sides

God holds me up on my leaning sides.  That means, when I feel like I am about to topple over, He will hold me up.  He will not let me fall.

I am so glad that God is there and He is a loving and forgiving God.  Too bad people aren't more like that.  As Christians we are supposed to help and encourage.  As Christians we are supposed to strive to be better. 

I am done holding on to the guilt I have felt over things I have done in my past.  I know that I have changed...God has helped me.  I know that I am a good hearted person.  I regret striking out at the people that have hurt me...I regret holding on to the hurt that I suffered at the hands of others like a badge of honor.  I used it to try and make myself feel better about the sins I have committed.  But really, once I asked God to forgive me for my sins and change my heart and help me to learn from it, I should no longer have felt badly about it. 

For others to throw it back up in your face is low.  I may have thoughts about other people's behavior or choices but I have tried to keep it to myself.  If I voice my displeasure about someone to another person I instantly feel bad about it.  Gossiping and judging is not right.  I am not perfect and I cannot point out the sliver in someone else's eye while I have a beam in my own.  This is something I have tried to stay away from doing basically because it is something I grew up with. 

Criticism...judging.  It is what ultimately caused the demise of my marriage.  We both grew up with people that we loved, and were supposed to love us, criticizing and judging us.  Troy and I both were so used to it that it was all our brains allowed us to hear.  We thought the other one was always unhappy with us and judging and criticizing.  I allowed other people's views on me and Troy to take over my better judgment. 

The marriage was a failure because we let others tell us how right we were and the other one was all wrong.  We should have gone to counseling together and fixed ourselves TOGETHER.   It is something I encourage my kids to do...and with their relationships.  I have sat my son and his fiancée down and told them they should go to couple counseling together since they both have grown up with condemnation and criticism.  I told them that they need to fix themselves together so that they can hear each other without feeling like they are being criticized by one another.  As for my daughter, I want her to have some faith in herself.  They are both very smart kids and they have good hearts. 

I am struggling to stand and feel better about myself...to right my wrongs.  I did not need someone else, who had no right, to list my PAST sins/mistakes.  It is the reason I never sent the email to my ex husband.  I needed to get it out so that I didn't hit him over the head with it anymore.  I realized that I had been holding onto the hurt.  He has changed, somewhat.  He still did not support me in the way I needed to be supported.  BUT I was too busy holding onto the hurt. 

I am who I am.  I am flawed.  But I am not stupid.  And I know to go to God for my guidance, not some other flawed person.  I should not have turned around and done the same thing to that person that she did to me.  Until my last post, I never said anything to her about my OPINIONS on her life because I knew it was just my opinion and I have no right to judge.  I know she struggles and I pray for her and trust that God is helping her work out her life the way it should be.  It is not my life.  It is hers.  I did not, and will not, live it.  If asked I can give a bit of my observation and it may help or it could be totally off base.  If someone gets some help from my observation then good.  If they choose to shrug it off then that is okay too.  Who am I to say, "I see a train wreck in your future if you don't do what I say."  I do not KNOW for sure.  The only one that does know is God.  Pray on it.  He will give you the answers you need when you need them.

I cannot abide someone tearing me down and throwing my sins in my face.  I have no right to tell Troy he is wrong.  We both were.  And it is that realization that has helped us be able to set things aside and communicate.  Our divorce will be the biggest blessing for us.  While I still do not agree with some of the choices he makes, God will fix what needs to be fixed with him and what I think needs to be fixed is MY problem.  I have my hands full fixing myself. 

I pray that those that choose to judge me and tear me down will learn to fix themselves and deal with their own lives.  To knock me back down when I am struggling to pick myself up and stand on my own two feet is unexcusable.  That person is NOT right in any way in judging me.  I got another email that I deleted before I read it.  I am not the least bit curious as to what was in it. Why would I want to open myself up to more criticism and hurt when I can avoid it?  I am getting better.  And I will continue to get better.  Inspite of everyone.

Jackie is my only true friend.  We know each other's flaws and secrets and neither one of us has EVER pointed a finger at the other one. She has stood by my side in thick and thin.  We encourage each other when we need it, love each other, dry tears and give suggestions when we see each other stuck in the mud and our tires are spinning.  But we have never condemned each other.  I am thankful that God brought her into my life 37 years ago.  She has her faults...and so do I.  Thankfully they are not the same faults.  We love each other anyway. 

So, now I will go on, minus a few more people in my life.  And I am absolutely okay with that.