The Dance Continues

     I gave Lucy a shower today and brushed her teeth.  She's gotten used to the showers but the teeth brushing is not something she is kind about.  I did the best I could.

      I cleaned the shower then took one myself.  I realized as I was thinking about taking her to my parents' house for the Eve party with my family (and to stay the night) that I was feeling uptight.  Why?  Because I was already hearing all of the comments about Lucy in my head, "be careful about petting her...she'll shed a lot" "make sure she is eating her treats on the sheet on the floor so that the crumbs don't get into the carpet"  "She shouldn't get a treat everytime she goes to the bathroom outside.  She's over weight" "What did you feed that dog?  She's smelling up the room!"  "Quit barking!" She only barks when someone mentions going outside then she gets so excited she will bark.  I would be thinking, 'I am moving as fast as I can!  I am sorry if this is bothering you!'

    Then it struck me...that was my whole marriage...dancing on the edge of that volcano trying to keep ahead of it so as not to upset Flawless. 

     I 'lost' a friend but I am not angry with that friend.  We both seemed to snap about our friendship at the same time.  I think we both felt it coming but we ignored it...tried to deal mainly because I THINK we realize that neither one of us is a bad person and we like each other for the most part BUT it turns out that things I was doing was upending her recovery and things she was doing was causing my post divorce PTSD to come out.  I was feeling like I had to justify my decisions and actions.  And things I was doing was bringing out her old anxieties and setting her back. 

     It is sad.  She is funny and kind and I miss her but it reached a head.  I guess it is true that sometimes people are in your life for a purpose and a time.  I am used to them leaving so this is no different.  To be fair, I was leaning and depending on her when I should have been going to a support group or talking to a professional.  My recovery and mental health was not her responsibility.

   In the meantime, I have to figure out how to hold myself together around my family.  They don't like inconvenience.  If I tell them I can't eat certain things they roll their eyes and groan.  If I tell them that certain things they say or do causes me extreme anxiety, they will basically grumble to each other how I need to get over it.   Can you imagine if my family liked to drink alcohol and I was an alcoholic and was in recovery?  They aren't much for support.  They are avoiders and believe in ignoring things like psychology is a bunch of crap.  I mention support groups to any of them and they give me ALL kinds of reasons not to go. 

    I am tired of people telling me everything that is wrong with decisions I make that I KNOW will benefit me, even if they don't understand it.  I really need to shrug and keep moving.