The Pile of Stones

I called my older sister the other night.  There are times when she is just blunt.  It is startling but I will sometimes get a kick that I need.  Then there are times when she is very supportive.  This time  she was supportive.

The top had blown off my pressure cooker.  This class is stressing me out.  Looking for a job is stressing me out.  Having to take a test for my license is stressing me out.  A new relationship (?) is stressing me out.  And my mother sometimes stresses me out.

I need some time out of here and to clear my head.  At least the whole divorce/ex thing is no longer stressing me out.  He is still there in my head because of family/memories.  However, he is moving into the background. 

My mother has started giving me guilt.  She wants me to get a job closer to her and dad.  She whines that they will not have many years left and she wants to spend more time with me.  Dawn says it is because dad is getting weaker and mom is scared.  And while I can understand that, I have had to remind my mother that I have kids HERE that still appreciate some stability...as long as I can give it to them.  Bethany has 2 years of college now to get through.  Although, if it came down to it, I could treat them like they are both away at college and help them with a place to live.  I told them that they are smart and could do it. 

I should be more calm about the job situation.  I keep reading all of these assurances from God.  BUT (and there it is) I don't know WHAT job and WHEN.  Frankly, whatever job it is I know it may not be THE job for all time.  It may be a stepping stone job. 

The new relationship thing...the more we get to know each other...background, personality, beliefs, etc...it is seeming a bit more comfortable.  However, the real test is the face to face.  Whatever happens, happens.  I have learned not to get my hopes up about anything.

I look back on the last 10 months and all that has changed.  What I have lost...and gained. 
I lost a job, a marriage, a friend.  I gained support from people that I didn't know even cared.  I have gotten deeper into my faith.  I have yet to feel like I have gained any confidence.  That will hopefully come in time. 

And I have gained space in my house. 

I need to find my wisdom.  Wisdom to choose better.  Wisdom not to let other people's judgments bother me so much.  It is not what they say to me or how they judge me that is important.  God's love and guidance is important. 

More prayer...more faith...less stress...less grieving. 

Ugh...but why?

I really hate the applications.  I think applications are the single most torturous reason why people don't want to leave a job they already have even if it is crap.  But...it is my day.  I keep looking out the window at the tree and thinking that if I just keep my head down and nose to the grindstone for another 11 days I can then spend more of my time outside. 

Interviews are another torture.  blech.

I am trying to arrange a 'study session' with my former pastor's wife (he is the former pastor...she is not the former wife).  She is very nice, lives a short walk from my house, and she has been a teacher for almost 30 years.  She also USED to be a special education teacher.  I need someone to help me get up to speed on some of the new standards and understand the common core thing.  It will help me secure a teaching job.  SO MUCH TO LEARN!

I had to inform the ex that, while it was nice that he gave me a whole pile of alimony checks to cash, I wished he hadn't dated them all.  The last time he gave me checks, I filled in the date when I cashed them.  The 30th of the month sometimes comes on a Saturday or Sunday and he would let me cash them on the Friday before.  Plus, for some reason he skipped from Sept. 2015 to October 2016.  So now he has to send me checks in the mail...which we were trying to avoid. 

I have not heard back from him about that.  Probably won't.  I wasn't planning on having to communicate with him.  Nothing against him...just shouldn't be communicating. 

Anyhow...head down...and need to find the time to get my lawn mowed too.  TJ has 3 days off from work and he and Brit are going out of town to get away from her family and enjoy themselves.  Bethany will be working.  That leaves me and the dogs and my computer...lots of work to do and research.  At least it is keeping me out of trouble.

Brian demands a certain amount of attention but he will relax.  He is waiting to take me out to dinner.  Kinda wondering how that will go.  His voice has a bit of a twang to it.  He says he grew up in southern Indiana...near the Appalachians.  He sounds like West Virginia...or actually Cincinnati.  A lot of people down there sound like that because they moved in from West Virginia and Kentucky.  There are certain types of accents that conjure up not so great opinions in my head.  This is why I am kind of preferring to text him right now.  And it is dumb because he is intelligent.  I have to get over it.   After all, Sheriff Andy Taylor was a smart man!  LOL  I am the dumb one for letting that accent bother me.  I know once I am speaking with him in person it will be different.  After all, I lived in Arkansas and did not automatically feel EVERYONE was not intelligent there.  Just the ones that said things like the black population was bringing down the school test scores.  (eye roll) 

It was sort of funny when Brian told me he would like to help me celebrate the end of my class. Then he said he meant take me out to dinner. THEN he said he was sorry if he was being too aggressive.  I told him when he said anything about celebrate I had not really thought anything about what he might have meant and the only way I would think he is being aggressive is if he TOLD me what to say/think/act/wear.  Otherwise it is pretty difficult to set on my toes so just relax.  He just said, "whew.  good to know."  I sent him a link to Gilmore Girls and he said he though it was kinda quirky and he wants to watch all the shows now.  I am brainwashing him already. 

I still am not set on another guy in my life.  I am glad he believes in taking things slow. 

Losing It Makes You Better

Almost every morning my younger sister calls me and complains about being fat, her girls being fat, her job, etc.  This morning was no different.  She told me that she told her girls that every day this summer they are all going on a walk.  Then she turns around and says, "oh. I can't get myself motivated.  How am I going to motivate us all?" 

I was not feeling quite so charitable this morning.  I just said, "You WILL do it because you know it is the only thing that is going to make a difference.  Here I sit with no husband and no job.  How do you think I feel? " 

I talked to Brian this morning too.  He works 2nd shift cuz he says he likes it better.  I really need to correct myself...I didn't talk to Brian as much as he talked to me.  He talks A LOT.   He says he is not always that way.  He is at first because he is nervous.  I really need to follow through and meet him in person.  I told him I would meet him once I am done with my class...June 7. 

I sat and thought about my life after getting off the phone with him.   I really hate this.  Having to do the dating thing all over again.  I hated it the first time around.  I remember thinking then that I would never find anyone that I could stand to spend the rest of my life with.  Then I just married Troy cuz I got tired of looking and waiting and I thought he and I would be okay.  I did love him...just not in an all consuming way. 

I thought about not having a job and that I need to quit waiting for the job I want and just get a job.  Period. 

I cried about it again.  Just because I am afraid.  I am not angry.  Just sad.  No longer angry.  And I finally got the message that this is going to be better. 

And now Brian texts...a lot.  As I said, I hope I can go through with this.  I need to.  He is just kinda...in a different place.  He has been divorced for 7 years.  I have been divorced for 7 months.  ugh

And Then That Happened

He came and it took 2 1/2 hours for him to pack things.  Then we had a talk.

I prayed for the right thing to say and in the right way.  God helped me.  It was a nice talk.  Interestingly enough he told me that he has NOT moved on.  This gf he has he says is just someone he is dating but he doesn't love her and has no intention of making it forever...even though my son tells me her FB page says they are in love and it is forever.  If what he said to me is how HE feels, he is treating her pretty crappy then. 

He said the reason he pushed me to take the teaching job with the school system in his town is so that I would move there and we could try and see if we could work things out.  That is a pretty big if to uproot my life for!

He said he has made a mess of things.  He said, "I am so sorry I hurt you baby!"  (he never calls me 'baby').  I just told him he needs to take some time and figure out what he really wants for his life so that he quits 'messing things up'.  I told him I forgive him but it still makes me sad that we did not get time to see if the two of us together, without other things going on could fix things.  But it is what it is.  He said he is not happy to have to start all over again either.  I told him that he made it that way and he really needs to learn something from his decisions.  (for pete's sake he is 50 years old...grow up already).  I told him I am not blaming him for everything.  There was many things I did wrong. 

Then we ended with a hug and a family prayer.  He choked up a couple of times throughout it all.  I handed him a devotional book and he said he has been looking for a church.  He knows he needs to go and he wants to.  I told him just pick one and give it a try. If it isn't the right place for him, pick another. 

I really do hope he will pray and listen for guidance.

Later I talked to my ex SIL/friend Belinda. She says Troy's mother (my ex MIL) told her that she does not like her son's new gf at all.  I told her, again according to my son, that his grandma and the new gf seem all friendly and all on FB.  Belinda says it is fake because of Troy.  I just laughed and told Belinda, Not my pig, not my barn. They will all have to work that situation out.

In the meantime, I am on with my life and I  think I have met a nice guy that I would like to get to know.  He has my same background upbringing wise...church, family.  He has my sense of humor, is intelligent with a college degree, and is 'cute'.  He lives about an hour drive from here, which is the down side, but if we decide we click it would be worth it.  Time will tell.

My biggest concern is getting a J O B. 

I am just glad this all ended in a good place.  And I DO pray for my ex to figure out his life and quit making stupid decisions...and that my life gets in order as well.

Pack Rat

All the furniture (except for the file cabinet) is in the garage.  I still have boxes to tape and put out there.  I also have a FEW more items in the house to put in a box.  Then all that will be left is gathering his tools together in his rolling tool box.

I went to church this morning and I felt really good.  But there were the remarks by other women afterwards.  "I would THROW his stuff into the back of the trailer and smash it."  "I wouldn't pack ANY of it for him." 

Breaking his stuff would serve no purpose other than it would change my kids' opinions of me.  And I would feel awful about myself.  These women telling me I am a better person than they are for not doing what they said they would do....I doubt it.  I know we all think of mean things when we are hurt but how many people really follow through?  And if they do...does it REALLY  help anything?

I have prayed about what to say to him for the 'farewell conversation'.  I have an idea.  Not sure if he will sit still for any of it.  If he does...fine.  If not...oh well.  I am fine with either way. 

After I finish this class I am taking 2 weeks before my next class starts.  I am going to finish sorting things, organizing things, and working in my gardens.  I want to feel like I am getting some control  in my life.  Maybe I have been lucky that I had 'time' to wallow but I am not sure it really was a good thing.  However, it is how it worked out.  I let it go that way too.  God knows me and how I don't operate. 

Don't hate me because I am spoiled.  Where are the people that like you inspite of yourself?

Tomorrow evening, as long as it is not raining, volunteers are gathering to put in the church food bank garden.  I think I will go help out.  I need the break from the house and digging in the dirt always makes me feel better.

And that is only the beginning...not the end.  Mistakes I made in my past are in my past.  Evil Spawn is who he is and our marriage was collateral damage.  He has a history of self destructing.  I have been set free from the pattern.

Trailer Park

I am almost done with my PowerPoint for my class.  TJ will be home from work very soon and Bethany will be home about 2 more hours.  Once they have gotten dinner we are having a 'packing party'.  We are all going into the office and pack up their dad's things into boxes.  We are also going to move some things into the garage with a hand truck.  I would like to get as much of it taken care of tonight as possible.  Of course, since I have the hand truck, if all TJ has time to help me with is the stuff in the basement that will be a big help.   Getting the stuff from the office out to the garage will not be a big deal. 

The city came and paved our road yesterday morning.  And by the time Evil Spawn got to town with the trailer the barriers were removed so that people were allowed to drive on it.  As promised I was not here.  The kids texted me when he had left.  I still wasn't feeling very well yesterday but I had managed to finish my paper and submit it before I went. 

4 more applications out today for teaching jobs and 2 for other jobs.  I prayed over my applications.  One is for an online charter school and it says "Immediate Hire".  I have a more optimistic feeling about things.  I know God is going to take care of me.  I prayed then sat in silence and listened for His voice.  I got a reassurance.  He will open the right door at the right time. 

TJ stood in the doorway of the livingroom last night and told me, "I know that this is hard.  I don't think it is hard for the reason you THINK it is.  He was not really nice to you...he said mean things, he yelled and he really wasn't there for you other than with money.  All you lost was that IDEA that you had someone.  You are going to be happier without him than you were with him."  And he is right.  It is the IDEA that there is someone that cares about you and loves you.  He showed he cared once in a while.  As for if he really loved me...I doubt it.  His words and actions most of the time made me think he didn't even really LIKE me...let alone love me. 

AND, truth be told, I wasn't sure a lot of the time if I even liked him. 

Women don't get married to be alone.  And I was...maybe not always physically alone but emotionally I was alone.  No support.  I will admit he had never had any growing up and did not know how to do that.  But after 25 years of me giving him emotional support (and he admitted that I did), you would think he would have gotten a clue.  Perhaps he just didn't want to get a clue. 

The kids say that he looks really old.  I told them it just might be because he was over tired from the long drive.  I always noticed he looked 10 years older when he was over tired.  His cheeks would hang like the jowls of a bassett hound and the bags under his eyes looked packed for a 10 day European vacation.  But TJ said that his arms and legs are really skinny...and without muscle tone.  He told the kids he has been doing a lot of walking to lose weight.  Glad he could do that for himself.  It may prolong his life.  He has done enough to mess his body up over the years.

I am suddenly feeling more at peace with all of this.  I know I have said it before but it has been true each time I have said it.  That peace hasn't come all at once.  It comes in steps.  I am thinking it is that moving trailer in my front yard and what it represents...finality. 

So, Monday morning he and Jordan and TJ will take all of the stuff in the garage and load it into the trailer and the back of the truck he drove here.  Then he will go back to the hotel and pick up the gf and they will go off to Kansas.  And that will be that. 

I have a class to finish and only 2 more weeks to do that.  I have a reading endorsement test to take in 10 more days.  Then once my class is over I am taking 2 weeks off and working in my yard and getting my house in order...cleaning, organizing, ridding out more of whatever I can, and perhaps some painting.  I will also make sure to take some time to get out and do some of my own exercising.  I only have me to make happy now. 

Mack Truck

Despite the fact I feel like I got hit by a mack truck...

Yesterday I put out another 4 applications.  Charter schools are opening up the available openings for next year.  The school year is done for them so they are getting a jump on filling out the ranks for next year.  If I know I have a job in August I can make it.

I have 2 more apps to do today, a paper to finish and a Power Point to do. 

And I feel like crap.  But a warm shower and hopefully I will rebound.  Oh...and some Excedrin.

The paving has started...sort of.  They have been busy making sure all manhole covers are removable.  Lots of pounding and dinging. 

Inspite of Troy's moods I still was able to enjoy my life for the most part.  I told him I gave him way too much credit for being the villain in this divorce however, it still remains that he was the one who decided to end it.  It amazes me that after all of this time he is trying to tell me he DIDN'T decide for sure he wanted a divorce...it was a maybe and that because I didn't try to 'plead my case', so to speak, and went to a lawyer, that it ultimately was my fault. 

Sheesh. 

I realized last night that there were lots of things that kept me from divorcing him.  And they are little things..or at least they would seem like little things to some people...and weird. 

Part of it was keeping my family whole.  I thought about what it might be like if I ever have anyone else in my life.  Sitting around at Christmas you cannot reminisce about past family Christmases...cuz there are none.  This new person is not a part of it. 

I know...it is an adjustment that people get used to.  Like I said, it is one of the many weird things that kept me hanging on because it is all important to me.

Trying to Ignore It

There is this one woman on my FB list that was a grade behind me in school.  She wants to make sure everyone knows she has MS.  She seems to use it for an excuse.  By that I mean, she really has a mild case of it and when she catches a cold or has a headache she complains about it with the lovely phrase, "MS SUCKS".  well...yeah!

So today, I am going to complain about the thing that topples me once in a while...the thing I try to ignore...FIBROMYALGIA SUCKS.

It has been a lovely few days.  Things could be worse.  But yesterday my push mower broke.  Evil Spawn informed me that he never changed the spark plug...and that may be what happened.  I then informed HIM that I changed the spark plug AND the air filter last summer...as well as changed the oil.  But the mower is about 12-13 years old.  Derek next door checked it out and pronounced it as dead due to a cracked piston.  So then Evil Spawn said, At least they don't cost that much to replace.
To which I told him if it cost more than $5 it was too much to replace.  I looked around the yard, front and back, and decided I could get by without it. Whatever the riding mower couldn't  cut then the electric trimmer could.  I might need to take 2 days to do the trimming OR buy a 2nd battery for my trimmer (note the previous $5 remark).  However, it could be worse.  Also, if I take the gas trimmer apart I can fix the pull cord. 

Then today I saw the signs up...the city is going to pave the roads around us for a 2 block radius tomorrow and Friday.  That means Evil Spawn could not get in here to drop the trailer off on Friday.  I informed him of such.

He has then decided to take the trailer with him to his mother's and return on Monday to load.  We had a phone conversation about it.  Somewhere in there he made some remark about having to live with how he messed things up.  And I do not know how it got to it...really because my blood pressure was very high by now...but he denied ever sending me an email telling me that he wanted a divorce and was going to go to the courthouse and file.   He said that when he called me and told me he wanted a divorce he didn't TELL me...he said he thought MAYBE we should get a divorce...and he waited for me to talk to him about it but I never talked to him about it.

So...MY fault.  I found the email (didn't think I had saved it but I did) and copied it and sent it back to him.  I reread it and there was no doubt in it whatsoever what he wanted.  And I am not the one with alzheimers...I remember the phone conversation. And I remember him telling me he didn't love me anymore. 

He is just trying to shift the blame to me, make me doubt myself, drum up some sympathy for himself so that he doesn't face angry me when he comes here to get his stuff.  I already told him I was not going to be here when he comes to drop off the trailer Friday...or at least, see the kids.  I didn't want the kids to feel uncomfortable so I am not going to spoil things and I will leave.  I also informed him that I MIGHT be here Monday but if I am I will be in the computer room working on my classwork.  He said we could have a conversation after it is all packed, if I want.  I told him I really don't know what else to say to him. 

By the time the phone conversation was over, I was livid.  My blood pressure was up, my head hurt, and my ears had that weird fuzziness to them like I had been to a really loud concert.  I finished putting the groceries away, got something to eat then collapsed in a chair.  As I started to calm down I felt more and more like rubber.  And that's where I am right now...rubber and nerve pain.  And my chest kinda hurts...too high of a heart rate. 

Now that time is drawing near, Jackie checks in with me every evening when she gets off work.  She knows the kids are off doing their own thing and don't know...nevermind.

Speaking of which, I am so afraid my father is not going to make it through the year...or for much longer.  My mother tells how very easily he tires.  She says he has not much strength left in him and he can barely do anything without collapsing into a chair.  It is hard to hear and see.  He has always been so strong...so busy.  I know she is afraid, too.  If it wasn't for my dogs I'll bet if something happened to dad, she would sell the house and move in with me.  That would be astronomically interesting.  But she is my mom. 

Life has too many twists and turns and we never know...

Under the Gun

I work better under the gun.  I had a discussion with my college counselor.  And she said, "you are one of those people that works better under pressure."  I am not sure if that is so much the truth as I let the anxiety get to me for too long then I have no choice but to work under pressure in order to get it done.

I am under pressure.  And not just with classwork.  I have a lot of clearing out and packing to do.  I know I will accomplish it.  I have no choice.  No choice.

I sent emails to the women that interviewed me.  I thanked them and reiterated some of the highlights of why I would be a good employee...teacher...for the school.  I don't know if that will cut any ice.

By this time next week his stuff will be gone.  I have reached a new plateau with my 'feelings' about him. 

I had to hear my mother tell me yesterday that apparently they have been 'waiting' (THEY being my family) for him to leave me.  They all KNEW that once our daughter graduated from school that he was going to leave.  AND they were discussing this the weekend they came down here for Beth's graduation open house.  Another 'I told you so'.  My mom is good at that. 

I have been finding more and more people that are just more than willing to kick me while I am down...struggling with my emotions...trying to come to terms with the reality of it all...and me.

What is the purpose of telling people the truth about themselves way after the fact?  No one is perfect.  To tell you the truth, I think people that feel it is their right/obligation to point people's bad points out to them are just afraid to look in the mirror at themselves.  But...what do I know?  I have too many of my own problems. I have too many sins of my own. 

I could sit here and lampoon Evil Spawn for his self centered heartless treatment.  But I have my own problems.  No, I was not perfect.  And I blamed him for more than I should have.  It is done and over with.  I should have seen it coming...I tried not to see it.  And it made me angry when he did what everyone knew he would do.  Why should I be angry for a raccoon being a raccoon instead of a cat? 

I just need to be more relaxed, pray, and trust that God has my back.

On another note...
The Compassionate Ministries Pastor called me Wednesday morning and asked me if I would be able to come help him with the food pantry.  He said there was a lot to do and it would take a few hours.  I needed an outside diversion.  We helped each other out. One of the boxes I grabbed to unpack and shelve had  spiral light bulbs...the ones that cost bucks.  I asked him about them.  He laughed and told me that he has been receiving lots of boxes of those for a while and he didn't know why.  He said that he had handed them out so much to the people that came to the pantry that no one was taking anymore.  He told me I could take some.  I jokingly said, "So, I could take a whole box if I wanted to?"  He said, "sure...if you want that many bulbs."  I opened a box and took a pack of bulbs out and the name of the last company that let me go was emblazoned on the side.  I looked at him and said, "really?"  He laughed and said, "sorry."  He handed me the box as I left.  AND true to form, only 3 out of 4 of the bulbs in the first pack used worked. 

I think, I would like to have a pat on the back.  Just cuz.  I am not so bad.  I need a pat for just trying.  And hanging in there.  I need a pat for not listening to everyone else about all the mean things they think I should do to Evil Spawn.  I don't want to...it will serve no purpose.  It will NOT make me feel better.  It will set a bad example for my kids...and then he can laugh about me saying I am a Christian.  I don't want to be angry...or hateful.  I want to be okay with life again.  I want to have a purpose...a job. 

And...time to get back to my paper.  I have set a goal of finishing it and handing it in tonight then having my next assignment, a power point, done and handed in Wednesday night.  Then assignment 4 will be done by Friday night/Saturday morning.  Assignment 5 done by Monday morning.  and so on.  Talk about under pressure.

No Surge of Brilliance

I am not holding my breath that I will get a job offer from the interview today.  They asked lots of questions and I didn't see anything in any of their faces that said, "I want to hire her!"  I gave it my best.

I haven't been in the classroom for 15 years.  I took classes to make sure I kept my teaching license but things have changed so much, I am left by the side of the road. When I went into teaching, it had been basically the same for decades...teaching manuals, student books, work books, etc.  Then things started getting intense somewhere in the last 15 years. 

God is definitely going to have to have my back on this one.  Otherwise, why am I going further into debt for a Masters Degree that may not help me in anyway?

I have been left with a terminal headache that will not go away.  I had to put cover up AROUND my eyes because purple circles have appeared.  That is a first. 

I am not sure what kind of label you would put on me but...things need to make sense.  When life goes sideways I have a very difficult time wrapping my mind around it.  That is why I always TRIED to think things through and be ready, as much as possible, for anything that may happen.  Then I would not come unhinged.  I thought I had gotten better at shifting gears and directions.  But there are too many variables this time.  Too many moving parts all  once. 

I was sitting at the table with my daughter...getting ready for my interview...helping her with the college registrar..which seems to be telling her and her counselor 2 different stories...she is not fully registered because she has to take placement tests (that she already took) OR they do NOT have her registration.

What did I say...too many moving parts. 

The ex is leaving the gf at his sister's on Memorial Day and bringing his nephew to help him load things.  I am torn between loading any of it myself OR just leaving it all in the garage for them to load it all.  If it is in the garage isn't that good enough?  AND THEN I am torn between being here and staying inside or being somewhere else.

Purple eyes.  I am not sure what to do with that.  They burn. 

There was a charter school on the other side of the state right near Jackie that is hiring.  She was thrilled with the idea of us being like college roommates again.  The kids would have to take care of the house while I lived on the other side of the state.  If only they were able to take care of themselves, financially.  I could sell the house and be gone.

Yes, I resent him because it is all so easy for him.  He didn't have to consider anyone else.

My son, on the other hand is feeling great because he is going to start broadcasting the news.  He will be 'on air'.  While he is still waiting to see if he gets hired over on the TV side of the company in a fulltime capacity, he is going to be doing on air broadcasting.  And I am happy he is learning new things and doing something he has wanted to do.

Sitting by myself and considering my past...I realize that part of the reason I am feeling so badly is because I have not hardly EVER been in a place where there wasn't some guy interested in me.  He has someone...as self centered as he is.  And I am sitting here without someone...and I am not really sure what to do about that.  Cuz, I know it is bothering me and THAT bothers me too...that it bothers me to be alone.

Crawling Out of My Skin

I literally feel like I am coming out of my skin.  The stress level is so high...I saw my hands shaking today. 

I am behind in my classwork and trying to be able to concentrate enough to catch up. 

I had a dinner meeting...it was a meet and greet with people from a charter school that is opening and candidates.  Some of them sound like they are pretty much hired already. I, on the other hand, am having my interview tomorrow.  They want to send out offer letters on Monday. It is getting down to the wire.  I need to know I have a job.

And then there is the ex...coming around next weekend to get his stuff.  He will have the new gf in tow.  He is not bringing her to the house.  He is not spending time with his kids.  He called Bethany to 'explain' it to her.  She said that she is over him.  She said he is clueless and has no real feelings.  I had nothing to say to her about it.  She has made her assessment of him.  Today, TJ said that the only way his dad is going to know about his wedding is he will send him an invitation in the mail. 

I am too keyed up about too many things right now to deal with their feelings about their dad.  Either it will get better on its own...or their father will just fade into the background. 

I also have teacher testing to take.  Having a teaching license in Ohio keeps getting more and more difficult.  But I have to do this.  I really don't have much of a choice. 

And...I get way too many opinions from every side of me...about how I should handle the ex husband...what to do, how to do, when to do...

I ask for prayers and I get 'advice' and opinions.  I don't want or need anymore advice or opinions.  It is not helping keep myself calm.  It is only unnerving me more.

Fight or flight instinct...right now I am fighing the instinct to fly.  I want to run away...dive in and hide. 

I want some calm.  Just a place.  A peace.  I just want to feel a bit of security.  Please.  I want to feel like I can trust...rest...be happy.  I am not a bad person.  I may have not been perfect ...but who is?  I have a good heart.  I just want to feel some love back...and some security. 

Bouncing Back

Putting things into perspective...isn't that what you try to do when you have gone through something...try to put it into perspective...compare it to others?

The daughter of the my parents' next door neighbor, Linda, is the same age as my younger sister.  Her mother, Sandy, was a very sweet woman.  She died of cancer quite a few years ago, not too long after Linda was married.  Linda's father, Ron, has lived by himself for quite a few years now.  He is slowly sinking into Alzheimer's and has gone blind in one eye.  Linda lives about a 45 minute drive away from her father but has been making many trips back and forth to check on him and take care of him.  Linda has one child...a teenage son.  He is in his late teens.  Linda has just gone through a divorce and is still settling things with that...trying to take care of her father and will soon have to put him in a home and sell his house.  She has no one. She is an only child and has no relatives to speak of.  My parents help her out with Ron as much as they can but my parents are not in the greatest of health either. 

How do you deal with all of that...when you have no one?

And I found out today some very heart breaking news.  There is a guy that I graduated from HS with whose family lived in my neighborhood when he was younger.  I know them all pretty well.  He has 3 older sisters.  I know Sandy and Barb but I can't remember the one blond sister's name..I just remember what she looks like.  His family is all very good Christian people.  Sandy was a school teacher for a long time.  Bill was a school principal but recently retired.  He is in a gospel singing group that tours now. 

This morning I found out something unbelievably tragic happened within Sandy's family.  I know she had battled cancer a while back and seems to have beat it.  This morning I found out that her son, of 39 years of age, was at their house and got into an argument with his father/Sandy's husband (66) and the son grabbed a gun and shot his father in the chest, instantly killing him.  Sandy lost her husband and her son in one quick motion. 

How do you bounce back from that? 

The worst thing I really have to worry about is being able to keep things together HERE for my kids until they can get on their own two feet.  I am not sure when that is going to be but I just need a job to do that.  I have family and church support. 

I know Sandy has that but it is still going to be so very devastating.  Her world has changed in the most violent way possible.  She was always so upbeat and positive, no matter what.  Satan swooped in and did his worst. 

As for Linda...she doesn't have a church family or any family.  She is really feeling alone.  I know that I should reach out to her and let her know that she ISN'T alone.    I have my family and they were my saving grace.  My church 'family' was silent.  I know they may not have known what to say to me or how to deal with it but I learned one thing...at least send a card and let that person KNOW that you are out there and praying for them.  I got silence. 

My prayers go out for both of these women. 

Bouncing back for me is so much easier.  It doesn't feel easy but in comparison to both of them, it isn't such a steep grade to climb.

Hands Off

I almost made a mistake.  I almost wrote an email to The X about his son. I was going to share with him about what his son is doing at work and how it seems to have given him some 'definition' to his future.  How he has been working the overnight shift and writing the news stories that are read on the air most of the day.  And because of that his boss sent out an email throughout the company telling everyone about him...how awesome he is and he was one of the best hires they have made in a long time.  AND because of THAT, TJ has put in on a job in the TV studio as the news writer and in charge of the social media. 

But then, I remember...the 'kids' are adults and they want to tell their father what they want to tell him when/if they want to tell him.  They are doing their own kind of 'punishment'.  He won't share his life with them...they won't share theirs with him.  I think they are wasting their time with it but they ARE adults and it IS their decision.
 
I should not be sending him emails anyway...for many reasons.

1) he tells me that we can't text because it upsets HER but we can email...cuz she won't know about the emails.  I am not going to help him be dishonest with her.

2) we are divorced

3)  emailing him only gives him some 'power' still over my life.

I need someone around here to talk to...someone my age.  Someone to raid the fridge with late at night...or, better yet, go on a walk with in the evening. 

However, in the case of my kids...I am learning.  I seem to have quite a learning curve.

Disappointment

I did it.  I deleted Grey's Anatomy from my series record feature.  I did not watch it last Thursday either.  After witnessing the slaughter of Dr. McDreamy I swore at that point not to watch any further episodes.  He and Meredith were the only reason I kept watching it.  I know...just a show.  But, those characters represented 'happily ever after' and the show's writer decided to kill that off. 

I am sick of being disappointed by people.  However, I am better off than some people.  My family may not always see eye to eye on things and sometimes 'give' advice more than needed BUT, if there is a problem, we circle the wagons.  I know I can count on them.  I know I can count on my kids...and they know they can count on  me. 

I guess, the lesson is if someone is not a blood relation don't expect anything good. 

Except for Jackie.  She has been a true blue friend since I met her when I was 17.  She has been there by my side through everything.  Even when I was not making the right choices, she didn't judge.  She says that is it not her place to judge and tell me I am wrong or right.  She is not perfect either.  She just gives me support and encouragement.  We have fun together when we get the chance.  We pray for each other. 

Yes...something hit me sideways this afternoon.  Not really sure.  I just realized I am sick of being disappointed by people.  I am sick of opening up to people only to be skewered...having my weaknesses used against me. 

I also know that I can count on God.  He will never use my weaknesses and sins against me.  He may use them to teach me a lesson but He will not run me over with it. 

So, I am pulling myself up out of my funk of disappointment by thanking God for always being there and reminding myself of the people who really love me.

Try Me and Know My Thoughts

Psalm 139

Temptation will always be out there. The devil cannot MAKE you do anything.  God gives you the exit door.  It is up to you to choose the exit door. 

God will take care of you and anything that you lose, He will replace with something better. 

I am confident that God loves me and has a plan for my life.  He is going to do something in me that is going to be amazing. 

I got a call from The X on Friday, while I was working in the yard.  I know I shouldn't have answered.  But...I did.  sigh.  He wanted to let me know he paid the $20 bills owed for our kids when they visited the Minute Clinic...months ago.  I thanked him and offered to reimburse him when he comes for his stuff.  He told me he would appreciate that.  wow...okay.  AND?  Then he told me that he wanted to know that he isn't moving in with that woman or anything like that.  I told him that I don't care.  It is his life and he can do whatever he wants to do...he no longer needs to feel like he has to sugar coat anything or hide anything to spare my feelings because I don't care.  He said, again, that he did not move out to Kansas with the intention of divorcing me.  Me thinks thou dost protest too much.  I have heard that out of him so much I am wondering just who he is trying to convince.  He doesn't need to convince me of anything.  He made his choice and that is that.

Genesis 28:15  And behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you may go, and I will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done all of which I have told you.

Have I been a good Christian throughout all of my life?  No.  I have faced temptation and I have not always chosen the exit door.  I listened to too many other people throughout my life.  I have listened to the voices that told me that I should do what made me happy/made me feel good/gave me instant gratification.

While God does not want us to be unhappy, sometimes our happiness is on the other side of the right choice.  It may not always be instant gratification.  "Instant" may have long lasting negative repercussions. 

I have also learned, the hard way, to not listen to others.  I cannot let what others think is right for me to do be the road map for me.  I have to make sure I listen to what God tells me to do.  I need to also trust that when I ask for forgiveness for my wrong choices that I am forgiven.  God is so much more forgiving than humans. 

I have also learned that just because I have gone through something that I see someone else going through, I can share MY experience but I should not insist that what 'worked' for me or my lessons learned are what they need to follow.  I can share it with them but the best thing for that person to do it pray for guidance from God.  He will guide them...all I can do is be there for moral support.

I have lost relationships throughout this and it hurt but God had to remove them from my life in order for me to lean on Him and not listen to THEM.  God is working in my life.  He does not take things from your life that He will not replace with something better.  And that excites me. Whether what he replaces what I lost with that lost thing after it has been repaired to work even better or replaces it with something totally new. 

I have been getting reminders and encouragement from all sides lately. 

And today, I am rejoicing in my life.  God is good.  All the time.

Say Geronimo

Yesterday I woke up in some of the worst nerve pain I have had in quite a while.  It was so bad I headed straight for the bottle of pain pills.  The funny thing is the bottle had enough pills in it for a month.  It has lasted me almost a year and at the rate I take them, that bottle could last me another year.  They are not out of date.  It is nice to have something when things are just beyond horrible.

TJ was just home from work and was making himself a frittata before settling in for a good sleep.  He gave me a worried look and said, "In a lot of pain?"  He worries.  He knows I am not about pills.  I just shrugged it off with, "a pill, some coffee, some breakfast and an ice pack in just the right place and I will be good.  Not a thing.  It happens."  He just smiled.  He knows I can be pretty stubborn.  Just like my mother before me.  As it turned out, I was outside a few hours later, having to interrupt the research paper I was writing, mowing lawn and doing the trimming.  TJ was going to help when he woke up later but the sky looked 'iffy'.  The rain was supposed to visit in the very early hours of the morning and be sunny the rest of the day.  But the winds had shifted and rain was slated for the time he was going to be up.  As it turned out, I got rained on while finishing up the backyard.

I did feel good being out there working in the yard.  And then I swept out the garage and set up tables in anticipation of the community garage sale tomorrow.  It was the garage sale that had prompted Troy to call me.  I do NOT know what is wrong with his head.  We have discussed what he is taking with him and when.  I have sent him lists for approval, additions, deletions, etc.  And he calls me in a panic and it sounds like he is thinking I am selling everything in the garage an just about everything in the house! 

 I was speechless.  He wanted me to give him all the stuff that I use to do the yard work!!

I told him, 'um...I am still living here!  I am not going anywhere and I use those things!  You are living in an apartment with no yard.  AND when you DO move into a house, you make A LOT of money...I think you can afford to buy a new shovel and rake and leaf blower, etc."  He was agitated and said it wasn't about the money...he didn't want to have to start over with nothing.

Okay...the divorce was months ago.  We had agreed upon things.  Now he is panicking?  I told him he needed to calm down and take a breath.  Then he tried to make me feel guilty about his financial state.  I KNOW his financial state.  And I know that after paying me alimony, the IRS takes their cut and he pays his rent he has, at the worst, as much money left over to work with as I do and it is just HIM.  I have 3 people and 3 dogs here.  I told him, "you have to calm down.  It is not ALWAYS going to be this way for you.  Come October my alimony payments decrease and by January the govt will be done with you."  He has never been able to see beyond the end of his nose. 

I WILL give him any duplicates of gardening tools we have.  But I am not handing him over anything else that I am using.  It is stupid.  He doesn't need it now and when the time comes he will be able to afford to buy it.  I think the gf is complaining in his ear. 

All I know is...he ticked me off at first...but I calmed down fairly quickly and got back to happy.  Happy because I realized that I didn't care.  And by didn't care I mean that it did not make me feel depressed or hurt AND I also thought about the fact that he might be moving into a rental house with the gf and...I felt nothing about it.  Honestly.  I don't care.  It is his life.  If he called me today and told me that he and she were getting married my response would be, 'huh'. 

THAT IS SO AMAZING!!! 

And, yesterday morning, even though I was in so much pain, I looked at my son, after I downed the pain pill, and said, "I am sorry for saying this if it makes you uncomfortable BUT, even though I am in pain and having a hard time moving I am STILL happy because I am no longer married to your dad!  Woot woot!"  He just looked at me, raised his eyebrows and said, "Well, that's good!"  then he laughed. 

And I woke up this morning and smiled and thanked God for making my life so awesome.  I am dancing around the house again, joking, laughing...and looking forward to my future. 

I feel like I have found what I hope to be doing...working with students with autism.  I am finding the whole thing fascinating. 

And today...I have classwork to do (my first class will end this Sunday), a garage sale to set up for, and I have some yardwork I am going to attempt to take care of.  I also have at least 5 teaching jobs to apply for while I wait on the charter school to set up that had spoken/is speaking to me about a position with them.  I am not putting my eggs all in one basket.

I have plans for the 'paver' patio using blocks of left over wood from the fence.  It is treated wood and I have a pile of leftover shingles from the previous roof that do not match this roof.  I am using them as a base...to help grass not grow back.  I am using the rocks that I have accumulated from digging gardens around the house to make a big rock garden across the back of the house...it will give Jack a barrier to pee on and protect my plants.  I get excited just thinking about it.  LOL  I am going to put my $10 used table saw to work! 

YAY!!!  Now to go enjoy my dance song for the day!