Say Geronimo

Yesterday I woke up in some of the worst nerve pain I have had in quite a while.  It was so bad I headed straight for the bottle of pain pills.  The funny thing is the bottle had enough pills in it for a month.  It has lasted me almost a year and at the rate I take them, that bottle could last me another year.  They are not out of date.  It is nice to have something when things are just beyond horrible.

TJ was just home from work and was making himself a frittata before settling in for a good sleep.  He gave me a worried look and said, "In a lot of pain?"  He worries.  He knows I am not about pills.  I just shrugged it off with, "a pill, some coffee, some breakfast and an ice pack in just the right place and I will be good.  Not a thing.  It happens."  He just smiled.  He knows I can be pretty stubborn.  Just like my mother before me.  As it turned out, I was outside a few hours later, having to interrupt the research paper I was writing, mowing lawn and doing the trimming.  TJ was going to help when he woke up later but the sky looked 'iffy'.  The rain was supposed to visit in the very early hours of the morning and be sunny the rest of the day.  But the winds had shifted and rain was slated for the time he was going to be up.  As it turned out, I got rained on while finishing up the backyard.

I did feel good being out there working in the yard.  And then I swept out the garage and set up tables in anticipation of the community garage sale tomorrow.  It was the garage sale that had prompted Troy to call me.  I do NOT know what is wrong with his head.  We have discussed what he is taking with him and when.  I have sent him lists for approval, additions, deletions, etc.  And he calls me in a panic and it sounds like he is thinking I am selling everything in the garage an just about everything in the house! 

 I was speechless.  He wanted me to give him all the stuff that I use to do the yard work!!

I told him, 'um...I am still living here!  I am not going anywhere and I use those things!  You are living in an apartment with no yard.  AND when you DO move into a house, you make A LOT of money...I think you can afford to buy a new shovel and rake and leaf blower, etc."  He was agitated and said it wasn't about the money...he didn't want to have to start over with nothing.

Okay...the divorce was months ago.  We had agreed upon things.  Now he is panicking?  I told him he needed to calm down and take a breath.  Then he tried to make me feel guilty about his financial state.  I KNOW his financial state.  And I know that after paying me alimony, the IRS takes their cut and he pays his rent he has, at the worst, as much money left over to work with as I do and it is just HIM.  I have 3 people and 3 dogs here.  I told him, "you have to calm down.  It is not ALWAYS going to be this way for you.  Come October my alimony payments decrease and by January the govt will be done with you."  He has never been able to see beyond the end of his nose. 

I WILL give him any duplicates of gardening tools we have.  But I am not handing him over anything else that I am using.  It is stupid.  He doesn't need it now and when the time comes he will be able to afford to buy it.  I think the gf is complaining in his ear. 

All I know is...he ticked me off at first...but I calmed down fairly quickly and got back to happy.  Happy because I realized that I didn't care.  And by didn't care I mean that it did not make me feel depressed or hurt AND I also thought about the fact that he might be moving into a rental house with the gf and...I felt nothing about it.  Honestly.  I don't care.  It is his life.  If he called me today and told me that he and she were getting married my response would be, 'huh'. 

THAT IS SO AMAZING!!! 

And, yesterday morning, even though I was in so much pain, I looked at my son, after I downed the pain pill, and said, "I am sorry for saying this if it makes you uncomfortable BUT, even though I am in pain and having a hard time moving I am STILL happy because I am no longer married to your dad!  Woot woot!"  He just looked at me, raised his eyebrows and said, "Well, that's good!"  then he laughed. 

And I woke up this morning and smiled and thanked God for making my life so awesome.  I am dancing around the house again, joking, laughing...and looking forward to my future. 

I feel like I have found what I hope to be doing...working with students with autism.  I am finding the whole thing fascinating. 

And today...I have classwork to do (my first class will end this Sunday), a garage sale to set up for, and I have some yardwork I am going to attempt to take care of.  I also have at least 5 teaching jobs to apply for while I wait on the charter school to set up that had spoken/is speaking to me about a position with them.  I am not putting my eggs all in one basket.

I have plans for the 'paver' patio using blocks of left over wood from the fence.  It is treated wood and I have a pile of leftover shingles from the previous roof that do not match this roof.  I am using them as a base...to help grass not grow back.  I am using the rocks that I have accumulated from digging gardens around the house to make a big rock garden across the back of the house...it will give Jack a barrier to pee on and protect my plants.  I get excited just thinking about it.  LOL  I am going to put my $10 used table saw to work! 

YAY!!!  Now to go enjoy my dance song for the day!