I am almost done with my PowerPoint for my class. TJ will be home from work very soon and Bethany will be home about 2 more hours. Once they have gotten dinner we are having a 'packing party'. We are all going into the office and pack up their dad's things into boxes. We are also going to move some things into the garage with a hand truck. I would like to get as much of it taken care of tonight as possible. Of course, since I have the hand truck, if all TJ has time to help me with is the stuff in the basement that will be a big help. Getting the stuff from the office out to the garage will not be a big deal.
The city came and paved our road yesterday morning. And by the time Evil Spawn got to town with the trailer the barriers were removed so that people were allowed to drive on it. As promised I was not here. The kids texted me when he had left. I still wasn't feeling very well yesterday but I had managed to finish my paper and submit it before I went.
4 more applications out today for teaching jobs and 2 for other jobs. I prayed over my applications. One is for an online charter school and it says "Immediate Hire". I have a more optimistic feeling about things. I know God is going to take care of me. I prayed then sat in silence and listened for His voice. I got a reassurance. He will open the right door at the right time.
TJ stood in the doorway of the livingroom last night and told me, "I know that this is hard. I don't think it is hard for the reason you THINK it is. He was not really nice to you...he said mean things, he yelled and he really wasn't there for you other than with money. All you lost was that IDEA that you had someone. You are going to be happier without him than you were with him." And he is right. It is the IDEA that there is someone that cares about you and loves you. He showed he cared once in a while. As for if he really loved me...I doubt it. His words and actions most of the time made me think he didn't even really LIKE me...let alone love me.
AND, truth be told, I wasn't sure a lot of the time if I even liked him.
Women don't get married to be alone. And I was...maybe not always physically alone but emotionally I was alone. No support. I will admit he had never had any growing up and did not know how to do that. But after 25 years of me giving him emotional support (and he admitted that I did), you would think he would have gotten a clue. Perhaps he just didn't want to get a clue.
The kids say that he looks really old. I told them it just might be because he was over tired from the long drive. I always noticed he looked 10 years older when he was over tired. His cheeks would hang like the jowls of a bassett hound and the bags under his eyes looked packed for a 10 day European vacation. But TJ said that his arms and legs are really skinny...and without muscle tone. He told the kids he has been doing a lot of walking to lose weight. Glad he could do that for himself. It may prolong his life. He has done enough to mess his body up over the years.
I am suddenly feeling more at peace with all of this. I know I have said it before but it has been true each time I have said it. That peace hasn't come all at once. It comes in steps. I am thinking it is that moving trailer in my front yard and what it represents...finality.
So, Monday morning he and Jordan and TJ will take all of the stuff in the garage and load it into the trailer and the back of the truck he drove here. Then he will go back to the hotel and pick up the gf and they will go off to Kansas. And that will be that.
I have a class to finish and only 2 more weeks to do that. I have a reading endorsement test to take in 10 more days. Then once my class is over I am taking 2 weeks off and working in my yard and getting my house in order...cleaning, organizing, ridding out more of whatever I can, and perhaps some painting. I will also make sure to take some time to get out and do some of my own exercising. I only have me to make happy now.
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