The Pile of Stones

I called my older sister the other night.  There are times when she is just blunt.  It is startling but I will sometimes get a kick that I need.  Then there are times when she is very supportive.  This time  she was supportive.

The top had blown off my pressure cooker.  This class is stressing me out.  Looking for a job is stressing me out.  Having to take a test for my license is stressing me out.  A new relationship (?) is stressing me out.  And my mother sometimes stresses me out.

I need some time out of here and to clear my head.  At least the whole divorce/ex thing is no longer stressing me out.  He is still there in my head because of family/memories.  However, he is moving into the background. 

My mother has started giving me guilt.  She wants me to get a job closer to her and dad.  She whines that they will not have many years left and she wants to spend more time with me.  Dawn says it is because dad is getting weaker and mom is scared.  And while I can understand that, I have had to remind my mother that I have kids HERE that still appreciate some stability...as long as I can give it to them.  Bethany has 2 years of college now to get through.  Although, if it came down to it, I could treat them like they are both away at college and help them with a place to live.  I told them that they are smart and could do it. 

I should be more calm about the job situation.  I keep reading all of these assurances from God.  BUT (and there it is) I don't know WHAT job and WHEN.  Frankly, whatever job it is I know it may not be THE job for all time.  It may be a stepping stone job. 

The new relationship thing...the more we get to know each other...background, personality, beliefs, etc...it is seeming a bit more comfortable.  However, the real test is the face to face.  Whatever happens, happens.  I have learned not to get my hopes up about anything.

I look back on the last 10 months and all that has changed.  What I have lost...and gained. 
I lost a job, a marriage, a friend.  I gained support from people that I didn't know even cared.  I have gotten deeper into my faith.  I have yet to feel like I have gained any confidence.  That will hopefully come in time. 

And I have gained space in my house. 

I need to find my wisdom.  Wisdom to choose better.  Wisdom not to let other people's judgments bother me so much.  It is not what they say to me or how they judge me that is important.  God's love and guidance is important. 

More prayer...more faith...less stress...less grieving.