Under the Gun

I work better under the gun.  I had a discussion with my college counselor.  And she said, "you are one of those people that works better under pressure."  I am not sure if that is so much the truth as I let the anxiety get to me for too long then I have no choice but to work under pressure in order to get it done.

I am under pressure.  And not just with classwork.  I have a lot of clearing out and packing to do.  I know I will accomplish it.  I have no choice.  No choice.

I sent emails to the women that interviewed me.  I thanked them and reiterated some of the highlights of why I would be a good employee...teacher...for the school.  I don't know if that will cut any ice.

By this time next week his stuff will be gone.  I have reached a new plateau with my 'feelings' about him. 

I had to hear my mother tell me yesterday that apparently they have been 'waiting' (THEY being my family) for him to leave me.  They all KNEW that once our daughter graduated from school that he was going to leave.  AND they were discussing this the weekend they came down here for Beth's graduation open house.  Another 'I told you so'.  My mom is good at that. 

I have been finding more and more people that are just more than willing to kick me while I am down...struggling with my emotions...trying to come to terms with the reality of it all...and me.

What is the purpose of telling people the truth about themselves way after the fact?  No one is perfect.  To tell you the truth, I think people that feel it is their right/obligation to point people's bad points out to them are just afraid to look in the mirror at themselves.  But...what do I know?  I have too many of my own problems. I have too many sins of my own. 

I could sit here and lampoon Evil Spawn for his self centered heartless treatment.  But I have my own problems.  No, I was not perfect.  And I blamed him for more than I should have.  It is done and over with.  I should have seen it coming...I tried not to see it.  And it made me angry when he did what everyone knew he would do.  Why should I be angry for a raccoon being a raccoon instead of a cat? 

I just need to be more relaxed, pray, and trust that God has my back.

On another note...
The Compassionate Ministries Pastor called me Wednesday morning and asked me if I would be able to come help him with the food pantry.  He said there was a lot to do and it would take a few hours.  I needed an outside diversion.  We helped each other out. One of the boxes I grabbed to unpack and shelve had  spiral light bulbs...the ones that cost bucks.  I asked him about them.  He laughed and told me that he has been receiving lots of boxes of those for a while and he didn't know why.  He said that he had handed them out so much to the people that came to the pantry that no one was taking anymore.  He told me I could take some.  I jokingly said, "So, I could take a whole box if I wanted to?"  He said, "sure...if you want that many bulbs."  I opened a box and took a pack of bulbs out and the name of the last company that let me go was emblazoned on the side.  I looked at him and said, "really?"  He laughed and said, "sorry."  He handed me the box as I left.  AND true to form, only 3 out of 4 of the bulbs in the first pack used worked. 

I think, I would like to have a pat on the back.  Just cuz.  I am not so bad.  I need a pat for just trying.  And hanging in there.  I need a pat for not listening to everyone else about all the mean things they think I should do to Evil Spawn.  I don't want to...it will serve no purpose.  It will NOT make me feel better.  It will set a bad example for my kids...and then he can laugh about me saying I am a Christian.  I don't want to be angry...or hateful.  I want to be okay with life again.  I want to have a purpose...a job. 

And...time to get back to my paper.  I have set a goal of finishing it and handing it in tonight then having my next assignment, a power point, done and handed in Wednesday night.  Then assignment 4 will be done by Friday night/Saturday morning.  Assignment 5 done by Monday morning.  and so on.  Talk about under pressure.