2 Negatives Do Not Make a Positive

My mother was reading the obituary of a woman in town that had been very social and a hard worker.  I only knew of the woman.  I did not know her personally.  My mom started picking this woman's life apart and I was shocked at the negativity.  Was Mom jealous of this woman's life? I think the thing that topped it all was when she said that just because she had played guitar in her church did not make her a Christian and she was not in Heaven today.

I had to change the subject.  How did she KNOW if this woman was in Heaven or not?  God judges that.  I would not be making a pronouncement.  The whole diatribe of hers was aggravating.

Then today my oldest sister started complaining about  Christmas presents.  She was yapping about last year's gifts and how she had spent a lot on a present for Scott and Lisa but they didn't spend as much on her and David.  "They got me exactly what I asked for and nothing else." Oh.for.the.love...  "I can guarantee that they didn't spend as much on you as you did on them."

I could not stand it.  "Ok. They got you what you asked for.  And? I don't  care what anyone spends. I put a lot of inexpensive things on my list but they are things I need.  Even if they buy me one small thing on my list, it is one less thing I will have to buy myself. What I choose to spend on someone else is just that...MY choice.  I  am not sizing things up. It takes the joy out of it.  Be grateful!"

Then she proceeded to yap about something mom did for her, "because I would not do it well enough.  I am too stupid and incompetent."

"Oh relax! She did the same thing to me. She has control issues. She has always been that way.  It isn't personal."

Give me strength. 

Bah humbug. 

Melting Away

I have a fairly good bill of health.  The doctor said there is a TINY nodule on what's left of my thyroid.  It is a matter of waiting for it to get a point where I need to begin the fight with the doctor's to remove the thyroid in order to biopsy it.

My blood sugar level is good, my cholesterol level is good. The doctor said my diet it good...just don't do keto and stay away from red meat. He also told me that I was extremely low in D3.  He told me to take 5000 IUs each day, gel capsules.  So, I have been doing that and just recently added magnesium to that.  I had been taking potassium every morning for weeks and it seemed to help me feel somewhat better. 

I lost 3 pounds in 5 days.  I was not doing any major exercising. The only thing I have changed is no carbs after noon.  I have found if I want bread/grain carbs I can eat them but they have to be consumed before noon.  If I don't eat any of them after noon, I will lose weight. Curious...I made this discovery by accident.

An old boyfriend found me.  No..there is no relationship...beyond a friendship and I have made it perfectly clear that there is NOT going to be a relationship.  I told him that I am not interested in a relationship right now and when I am, it will not be him.  He is an ex boyfriend for a reason and we have baggage in a past relationship and I am not messing with that. Besides, I find many things about him annoying.  IF I decide I want to have someone in my life, I am not settling.  I would rather go it alone.  If he tries to push an agenda, he will be cut off.  I have not patience for putting up with someone trying to manipulate me and I have gotten good at recognizing passive-aggressive.

My daughter's bf bought me some CO2 detectors and smoke detectors for my house.  I plugged a few of the CO2 detectors in. This morning the one in the hallway started chirping at me.  I got upset.  I found it weird that the one in the kitchen did not go off and the one in the sunroom with the fireplace burning did not go off. So I moved the chirping CO2 detector to the livingroom. Same thing. Then I moved it to the closed off extra bedroom. Same thing.  So moved one of the other CO2 detector to the livingroom and nothing.  I unplugged it and noticed a compartment on the back.  I opened it and there as a 9 volt battery in there.  Apparently, the battery was low in the chirper.  So, it scared me for nothing.  ugh  Life is annoying enough.

Having the trees cut down drained my finances and now I am catching up with some things.  It is not an easy thing with the Christmas season upon me.  I am definitely going to need to pick up part-time work and pray that Ohio Connections Academy hires me for next year.   However, for now, I just need to concentrate on getting through this school year.

One More Time

I finally made a move.  I called the doctor to get a checkup. Usually if I call to make an appointment and I am a new patient, I have to wait at least a month.  But...no...I was on the books for a less than a week later.  I needed to have my thyroid checked...what is left of it.  It is swollen.  So...here I go again.

The doctor seemed to like my sense of humor.  And why do they always seem surprised to find out I don't take any medications and that my blood pressure is normal?  So, he made me call and schedule a mammogram along with an ultrasound for my thyroid.  I also am having a full panel blood workup done.  yikes.

My 2 trees in my yard were taken down over the course of these last 2 days.  $1200 for 2 trees and the stumps ground into the ground.  Now my yard looks naked.  I am now planning on planting a row of lilac trees in between my side porch and the street.  At least it will smell nice and give me a degree of privacy.  The only problem is it will obscure Lucy's  view. She LOVES to watch the joggers, bike riders, walkers, school kids and cars go by.  So...I may have to plant them off at an angle so that she still has a street view.  I will figure it out. Lucy spent the second day of the tree workers half laying under my desk while she watched them load the logs onto the trucks.

I got the fireplace in the sunroom figured out.  I did not know that once you light it, the temperature sensor tells the flame when to shut off and turn back on!  I open the door from the sunroom into the diningroom and it warms the WHOLE house.  I set the thermostat down for the furnace.  Lucy doesn't want to come in at the end of the day when I shut off the fireplace and want to close the door. The logs are missing because my mom broke them when she picked them up.

I got my rug laid down in my area of the sunroom that is my office.  It makes it look so much more like my office space.

I am killing it with the IEPs I am writing. They are buttoned down!  I am getting my job under control..finally.  I feel like I am getting somewhere.

The next thing I have left is to get the cataracts off my left eye.

Bethany and Jordan are coming to visit next weekend.  They are coming after she gets off work Thursday night.  I am taking Friday off of work. They awarded the Intervention Specialists a $200 bonus and an extra paid day off whenever we want.  So, I am taking mine.

Jordan decided to text with me the other night.  He says that his online trading has slowed down for a bit.  He is going to work for FedEx over the holidays just so he can pay the rent without dipping into his money.  He is saving up to buy a house with cash.  Must be nice.  He is smart.  He is also studying to how to raise gourmet mushrooms.  He sent me pictures of the petri dishes he has that he is trying to grow samples in.  The have some kind of tree stuff in them that the fungus needs to grow.  He is different.  ha ha!  And Bethany will soon be taking her Pharmacy Tech National Cert test.

I think Jordan will be looking around to see if he is interested in them moving up this way next spring or summer.  He, Bethany, Frodo the cat, Pippin the cat and Arwyn the bearded dragon.   And the fungus.

The sad part about the last few weeks:  my cousin Tom succumbed to pancreatic cancer...less than 2 months after he found out he had it.  He was a wonderful, fun, big hearted guy. He was smiling until the end.

Nope

Nobody new in my life.  Only new plants.  planted.  outside.

I have 2 trees coming down in a few weeks.

I complained the gas company into checking the lines in my house...including the fireplaces.

I find it HYSTERICAL that when I call the gas company AND they ask for my account number, they can't find me....they can't find my phone number but BoY HoWdY they can find me to send me a bill!

I am trying to figure out a way to raise money to put up a fence along my property line next spring/summer between me and The Godpenguin next door...him and his wife aka Shreekie Quinn.
Ugh.  It will cut into her exercise routine because then she will not be able to mow MY YARD!  It should not bother me?  Less for me to mow?  At first I thought that but after she had mowed on a Wednesday, I mowed on Saturday morning (ALL of MY yard) and then she went out..right AFTER me...and mowed over it AGAIN..I knew there is a definite problem.  I do not want the drama. Put up a fence.  Done.

My mother is now telling me that after this winter I may be wanting to sell this house and move on. She thinks the winter will be too cold for me.  I just bought this place.  I have no idea how good or bad the winter will be.  Give it a chance!  sheesh.  I really do not see me moving until I retire.  And then, believe it or not, I am actually thinking of finding a decent independent living place.  Might as well.  If it is just me, I like the idea of the security of knowing that if I drop over dead, I just might not have to lay there for 3+ days before someone finds me.

I know...morbid...but this is the type of thing that wakes me up at night with a full blown panic attack.

I have a problem...if I go to sleep and actually get 8 hours of sleep I feel GREAT the next day.  But then, the next night I can't sleep very well so then I feel tired the next day...then I go to bed and sleep 8 hours...you get the drift.

Life is too complicated.

Eye on the Point in the Distance

If I have a reason...and I have to have a reason...I can work hard.  I just keep remembering that reason. 

So, I put on a dress for church Sunday.  I haven't gone to an actual church for quite a few weeks.  I have been listening to a sermon on line on Sunday mornings.

Anyhow, I put the dress on and sat on the edge of my bed to put on some stockings.  I looked up and there was the mirror.  I was facing the mirror and I got a good look at myself...sitting there in a pretty dress...and all I saw was a female version of Jaba the Hut in a dress.  I sat there and really looked at myself.  And I felt bad that I had made so many excuses to treat myself so badly.

And then I also thought about what I could use for my target.  It helps me if I have a target.  So...I am using my class reunion as a target.  It is next July. The end of July. 

I have been on it for 2 days now.  And I realized that the only way I can truly stick to anything is to limit what kind of food I have in my house.  I have to be strict.  And I have to MOVE.  The target is what is making me move. That plus I have been going to bed earlier to accommodate my early rises.

Once 5 pm. comes, I have had enough of my computer and my job and I walk away and have to use the evening to refuel.  So, if there is anything left undone, I get up at 5 a.m. and start over.  I find it easier to get up early and get to it than to stay up late and do anymore.  By 5 pm my brain says 'uncle' and I listen. 

I have been taking walks around the yard with Lucy about 2-3 times per day just for extra steps.  I have been using my Health Rider and adding reps.  Tonight I got back on my Gazelle and put in some time. I am rather hungry tonight because I did not eat lunch today...I skipped it because I was working to meet some deadlines and quitting for lunch was not in my best interest.  And tonight I ate what I should for a normal dinner. But I am still hungry.  ugh.

I had to go to the court house and get a copy of that worthless piece of paper known as my marriage license.  I have to have it to renew my DL to the TSA approved one.  It isn't bad enough that I had to get a copy of that thing but I had to PAY to get a copy. 

Without my target I would have used that as a reason to eat ice cream for dinner.  And I do not know how I became that person that would eat ice cream for dinner.  I used to eat healthy and exercise each day. And that person was in her 20's and thin and energetic.  This person may be 30 years older but I can be that person that eats healthy and exercises everyday again...and maybe regain some energy. 

I cannot be a whiner and grab for lame excuses. 

Making it Mine

I am still slogging through.  Yes, I still have some boxes that I need to unpack or put away.  My office is still not completely in order but it is in order enough that it is functional.  I am going to be hanging things on my walls, which is a new thing for me. 

I have never been good at decorating so I am taking my time. 

I went to a festival today with my parents that turned out not to be much and I ended up melting in the sun at a Corvette Show with them.  My dad has a corvette that he refurbished (I know that is not the correct terminology but it is close enough...it is...it is!).    However, I did manage to find a cookie jar that matches my new decor and so I can get rid of the one that douche bought at a yard sale for $3 over 6 years ago to give to me for my bday...and there was no reason for it other than he knew my bday was coming and he had absolutely no interest in dealing with it. 



Wow..that picture is much bigger than necessary...
It was nice to come home today and Lucy jumped and danced and squealed.  It is nice to have that kind of enthusiasm! 

I spent my time in the evenings last week binge watching some shows in Netflix.  It was nice to not have homework but I am going to suffer for it because I will have to spend my afternoon and evening tomorrow working. 

So...this is short and sweet. 

Beach Hazard Alert

The packing of the truck was a 24 hour adventure.  Then the drive up to the house...I got started late, my parents met me about an hour north of the house I left.  My dad took over driving the truck and I fell asleep. As we got close, we pulled over, I got in with my mom and she drove me straight to the bank to sign the paperwork, and it was taken straight to the title company who, in turn, walked it into the courthouse and filed it.  In the meantime, my dad had taken the truck to my new home, mom and I drove there and met my dad and the realtor, who handed me the keys and a welcome mat for my house. 

The next morning, my brother, his wife, my older sister, her husband and my dad all drove to my new house and unloaded the truck.  My mom and I got her just as they were finishing (less than 2 hours later).  Considering the lack of sleep I had for the week and certainly the 24 hours before, I was eternally grateful that they unpacked the truck.  I looked through the house and had a few heavier things moved to the correct rooms then I went back to my parents'.  I came back the next day and started unpacking.

Long story short, over the next 4 weeks boxes were unpacked, walls were painted, the place was cleaned out, I had a new furnace installed and an AC unit hooked up.  By then I had a week of vacay left before I had to start my job.  My daughter came to spend a long weekend and there was a wonderful festival on Bridge Street (in the harbor district, where I live) and a Lighted Boat parade. We also attended a family reunion for my mom's side of the family.  I loved having her here.

kitchen...took down some cupboards

Lucy lounging on the deck

Office view

diningroom repainted

Livingroom redone

family reunion

beach near me

Lighted boat parade under the lift bridge

She left, I had a few days to myself then I had to pack and go off to 2 days of  Professional Development meetings.  The new school year is underway and so far it is not bad. I lost 2 of my closest peers. They both had enough after last year's chaos.  One is got job in another online school that pays more with better benefits (and she insists that she and another ex-coworker are going to get me in there with them next year) and the other one took a job in a brick and mortar school. 

My son and daughter in law came to visit for 5 days. They take a week's vacation every year on their anniversary.  There was the WWII reinactment that took place at the park/beach that we attended and I found quite a few old friends and classmates there.  They were able to visit with family on my side and his dad's side, had beach time and hang out on Bridge Street. They both want to leave southern Cincy and move up here.  So he is now looking hard for work closer to here.  I pray it works out for them. Brit (his wife) was actually happy and pleasant!  She was not a slob, and we had some really good conversations.  It was a good visit!

Scottish troops

WWII reinactment

My neighbors are all friendly and I love looking out my front window at the lake.

I still have some painting to do and a things that need fixed and replaced but it will all come in time. But, I am comfortable here and it is familiar territory. 

Since I moved in they have repaved the road and are now replacing gas lines.  yay.  Oh well...time for sleep. 

Puzzle Pieces

I did not get the house I was talking about in the previous post.  I went to look at it myself and decided against it.   I looked at quite a few within a few days and then this one popped up .  It has 2 large bedrooms, 2.5 baths, the master bedroom has a large walk-in closet and the other bedroom has double closet with overhead storage. There is a full, large basement with a laundry room and I do not know what to do with all of that space but I will figure it out.   Besides the large deck beside the garage/behind the kitchen, there is a porch off the other side of the house.  The sunroom (in between the garage and house) opens on to each deck.  It has a little gas fireplace of its own.  The house is across the street from the lake and a short drive to the fancy harbor district with shops and restaurants and coffee houses PLUS there is a beach with gazebos and a bandstand that has live bands on the weekends.  The pictures here make the house look plain but it was before the trees and plants started to leaf out and bloom.  It actually looks quite nice.

The couple took my offer and when the appraisal came back the house is worth more than I am paying for it.  I had just given up on the idea of finding a decent house that I could afford.  But this was owned by an older couple that moved to Florida and just wanted to get rid of it quick.  I will need to replace the furnace and put in an AC unit but my dad and a friend of his from church can put it all in for cost. 

We had the closing on this house yesterday.  The closing on the house I am buying is this next Friday.  My truck is getting loaded Thursday morning/afternoon and then I am headed out for up there.  I have to be there in person Friday morning to sign the papers. The utilities are all going into my name up there on Friday.  The old couple told their realtor that as soon as I sign the papers he can give me the keys so that I can go in and clean and unload.

AND my last 3 classes start on July 2.  yay.  At least it will be the last 3 I have to take for at least 2-3 years.

And even though I was the one that went through all of this, the fixing, painting, sale and repairs that the buyer asked for...and the buyer was paying way over asking price...Douche still complained that he had to pony up any money to fix ANYTHING.  complain...complain...NEVER satisfied or happy.  I sat one day and thanked GOD that I did not have to go through this listening to him everyday.

I also sat one day, after having a conversation with him, and was feeling the knot of anger and bitterness within me and I did a lot of praying, asking God to finally take that away from me ...because I did not want to be that person...that bitter, angry person.  And the next day I woke up and realized that I was collateral damage.  He is a hot mess with no conception of what he wants and is never happy.  He does not know how to love anyone, let alone himself.  My anger was at that point removed..and it is replaced by sympathy...I feel sorry for him.  I am also grateful that I am not that way. 

I also am getting myself ready to deal with my older sister.  She is the most negative, angry person ever.  She can find the smallest little thing to turn into a major negative issue.  She tells everyone what is wrong...what they should do...and how to live their lives.  Yet she is unhappy with hers.  I have no problem with pulling her up short every once in a while.  I just told her last night, 'You are the most negative person!  You seem to think you know what is wrong and what will bother me yet you don't know me at all!"  And she retorted with, "why WOULD I know you?  You've been gone for YEARS!"  I thought, 'here we go.  I always had to babysit her and be her entertainment.'  She has no friends because she is so negative and bossy.  This will be a real test of my patience.  ha ha!

At least I will be closer to my friends.  I have a line of them waiting for me to get settled so that they can come visit.  I am hoping to put a book club together.  It would be fun.

We will see what comes about.  I will just be relieved.

Time for a Bonfire

My house went up for sale on a Tuesday evening and by Wednesday night it was sold.  The guy offered $13000 more than my asking price.  I have until June 30th to get packed up and out...and I have nowhere to go.

I am going to look at this cute 2 bdrm house.  All new appliances, hardwood floors, 2 tier deck, fenced in backyard.  The woman was meticulous.

I sat and wondered if I could really downsize that much and be comfortable. Then I realized that I have only been using as many rooms as that house has anyway.  It does not have my sunroom but...you know...for about $2000 you can buy one from Wayfair.com and attach it to your house. For reals.

And now I am freaking out trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I have so very much to do in so very little time. 

I really could use the help of at least one other person but there doesn't seem to be anyone. I wonder if I could lure my sister up to help me?  Who knows...

I pray that the house I am looking at tomorrow feels right. 

Running on Empty

I sometimes feel like my body is going to shut down.  I have to talk to myself...urge myself to just hang in there a bit longer....pray for strength. 

So many things going on around me...trying to quickly get things fixed up in the house for a showing...put it up for sale.  Trying to sort, rid out...while traveling for testing...hold extra help session classes for my kids...getting a refi going on the mortgage...quit claim deed....

I came across something surprising.  It says in the divorce agreement that if I sell the house before I get the mortgage refinanced under just my name, then he gets 40% of the profits from the sale of the house.  But if I refi, he gets nothing.  I also have to get the quit claim deed done...that the lawyer missed doing during the divorce.  Now ASS II is trying to lay some guilt on me because he wants money. 

I have to gather things together to complete the refi.  I have to gather things together to get my new Intervention Specialist teaching license...and that is $200.

I stripped the diningroom floor and refinished it.  It is still not great...I need to redo the middle of it. 

There is a list of small things here and there that need to be done also. 

Had a showing of the house (off the record) and they hit me with an offer that was insulting.  It was for less than what ASS II and I paid for the house when WE bought it.

This weekend is the community garage sale.  I have to get ready for that because I need to clear more stuff out of the house. 

It is the end of the school year.  There is a lot to do.  My head is spinning.

And there are not really many houses up in NE Ohio that are in my price range of what I can afford on my salary.  ASS II makes 2.5 times what I make and he is trying to guilt me into giving HIM money.  He has shown me way too many times that he couldn't care less about me and what happens to me.  I have to take care of me.  And I will.  I am following the Divorce Agreement that he read ahead of time, just like I did...and he agreed to it.  I need all the money I can get for a down payment,.  He said he wants to be able to buy a house too but he has no money saved for a down payment.  And why not???  He has a 'roommate'  with a job who should be paying half of the rent, etc.  Not my fault he had to have a big fancy truck or jet skis...and likes to spend money like water to impress his friends.  I cut off my satellite service so save a few bucks...switched cell phone services to save a few bucks...you name it.

I was the one that has done the work on this house: painting...backsplash...stripping...staining...electrical work...rescreening...my money...my time...my blood and sweat...I paid for the gutter covers (that was not cheap!).  So much I have done.

I even have to fix some of the stuff he did. 

He did not mind divorcing me and cutting me loose after I lost my job...and wanted me to sell the house...and the kids were still living here and I had the 3 dogs.  Nope....no money. 

For all of the things he has put me through over the years...drug addiction...bankruptcy...identity theft...choosing to spend his free time with his friends instead of at home with his family....he can kiss my ass.

I am worn out and just want some peace.  And I am tired of being lonely.  So tired of it.  Married to him for 25 years before this and I was lonely then.  I never got married to be alone.  I did everything for him and made his life just too easy and then he treats me like that.  I was an idiot.  But I will not be an idiot this time around. 

A Wrinkle in the Day

First off...A Wrinkle in Time...it was AWFUL! AMAZINGLY AWFUL!!! I do not believe there is anyone out there that can do that book justice.  Unless they are willing to make a mini series out of it. ..like 6-10 shows.  And don't change the characters!!! Ugh

Okay...on with 'things'.

Today was my test day.  I cannot honestly tell you how I think I did.  I  have no idea.  It was HOURS of mini situations and making the best choice.  It was a lot of mental reasoning.  6 hours.  Thankfully it was 3 hours at a time.

It was downpouring, thundering and lightening all the way of the 25 minute drive during morning rush hour traffic to get there.  I was nerved up.  The test center was cold.  I had not slept much in the 2 days leading up to the test.

Lucy had refused to go outside to relieve herself at all in the morning.  The storm scared her.  ( mental note to self: the next place I live needs to have a covered outside area for her to potty in bad weather).  

So I had 3 hours before the next test.  I drove home in a heavy down pour.  I had to stand outside with her so she would go.  She was thrilled to see me.

I headed back and it was not raining. I told the woman at the test center the weather ppl said we were in for hail and tornadoes.  She laughed.

A bit more than 2 hours into my 2nd test, we were told to shut off our monitors and head down to the bottom floor and gather under the stairwell because the tornado sirens were going off.

I was stuck in this spot...wedged in with 3 floors of employees whose phones were sending out alarms and certain ones of them were announcing the tornado's course and another had a frantic weatherman telling ppl to take cover and get off the freeway.  I was thinking, "I left my phone upstairs in the security locker.  And what if something happens to my car?"  While trying not to freak out!

After almost a half hour of this, we got the 'all clear'.  I sat down, very much awake...but warm because I had brought a sweater with me after freezing during the first test...read the rest of my questions and finished. 

I went out to my car and it was pouring. I sat there waiting to calm down before I had to hit the rush hour traffic home.  As I calmed down, so did the weather.  It quit raining and I took that as my cue.

It is all in God's hands.  I hope I did better than 'just passed'.  Cuz I have a secret.  Every since I was old enough to read my achievement test outcomes, I discovered that they said that I was performing above my cognitive capacity.  I am maxing myself out...and then pushing the 'sonic' button.  My brain has been working at top speed most of my life and then some.  I have been wringing every drop I can out of it.  And, today, I actually felt it. 

I have just always pushed it because I could not accept anything less.  I could not accept that my cognitive abilities were not all that astounding.  And for the past year and a half I have pushed it because I have felt that I don't have a choice.  I HAVE to succeed.

But taking those tests...I actually felt that I was reaching way beyond my grasp.
And if I don't pass them the first time...I do not know if I can try again.  Oh...you know I will...becuz...I HAVE to.  Otherwise, everything I have done in the last year and a half will be a worthless pile.  And I won't have a job.  Then what?

God.  It's definitely up to You!

Through the Dark, What Do I See?

I have seen a lot of blogs and online help groups for divorced people trying to get over it...get on with life,..put the broken pieces together. 

But you know what so many of us just needed to be hit in the face with?  THIS:

YOU HAVE BEEN CONNED. Get over the fact that you were wrong.  This person that you thought you were marrying was only a facade. They did what they had to do to get what they wanted.  The problem is, they forgot to jump out of the boat before it docked.  They went through with the wedding and said "I do." then realized they didn't really want to.  They never considered your feelings nor intended to be the person they had made you believe they were.  They do not have the capacity or ability to consider anyone else's feelings.  They get upset and agitated when you try to make them be that person they pretended to be. And then...they walk away as if you were nothing more than a brief annoyance.  Absorb that...accept it.  You were not stupid, just trusting and ignorant of what is out there in the world.
And yes, it is difficult...so difficult to accept that you are that wrong...that naive...and have been duped so amazingly.  It makes you question your whole life...judgment, knowledge, IQ!  It is amazing the swath of destruction that such a person can cause. 

However, I refuse to accept that I am completely stupid in every area of my life.  I just made the mistake of being trusting and naive. Other women do not have that same understanding. 
====================
I finished my class, got an A-, paid off my class, sent the grade card and receipt to the Tuition reimbursement department.  Then I signed up for my license tests, paid my money, and put in for a personal day because this is going to take all day. Then I sent in my internet reimbursement paperwork and that amount I get back will cover the cost of my tests. whew.  

THEN I will have to figure out where the money is coming to pay for my license application.  Sheesh. 

It will get done.  Just like working things out with their dad to help get Bethany's ER and Physician bills taken care of.  She was dragging her feet and not addressing it with her dad so I sucked it up and emailed him then exchanged info via text and email and when he asked if he could call me, I told him I would email what he needed. He was able to do what needed to be done without speaking to me.  Then it was over and I moved on.  He didn't get a chance to say something that would upset me and I didn't have to hear his voice, which makes me angry.
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Lucy got taken to a new vet today.  I really liked the place. They were very nice, clean, and Lucy handled it well. She got checked, got her shots and was given a good report.  Whew!  She came home and ate the cookie I gave her but has not been interested in eating her dinner. She has laid in her bed and slept for hours, except when she went outside a few times to go to relieve herself.  It was too daunting for her.  She is a princess. 

The next stop is the doggy beauty parlor and spa.  I will have to make an appointment for her next week.  I finally made a chiropractor appointment for myself.  I have been putting up with unnecessary pain below my neck and in my lower back. 
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I was given a Health Rider and I love it. Unfortunately, I have been having some health issues that have kept me from using for the last 2 days.  We will see what happens over this weekend.  I have also turned into an old ppl...bed early.  However, it has not meant I get up earlier.  I have been dragging very badly.  Not sure why I am so tired..exhausted.  But tomorrow is Saturday and if I want to go back to bed I will.  I don't have anything I have to do until 2 o'clock when I go to see A Wrinkle In Time in 3D with Bethany and Jordan.

Chasing Fear....Away

I think about a year after ASS II told me he wanted a divorce...after I lost my job...after I sat in a chair for almost 2 months, slept in it, and plotted ways to die...after praying for help over and over and clinging to hope...then was rewarded with a new job and feeling hope spring eternal...I bought myself a tshirt.  It says, "I'm Fearless" and on the back it says, "God's got my back".  I believe that.  He did not give up on me.  He has pointed, invited, pushed, shoved...ha ha.  But it has all been the best thing for me.

Things have broken down and I have had to take care of it...and it all made me feel inwardly stronger.  I needed to know that I am okay and I can do it.  I am NOT that person that sat in a chair for 2 months and plotted ways to die.

I am not a failure.  I do not refuse to keep trying.  God has filled me full of gumption.  He is helping me to be a better me...He is filling in the holes.

And now I am going to feel better about my outward self...my physical self...too.  I am so thankful for Weight Watchers Freestyle.  It is not a quick fix but it is a fix.  It amazes me when I eat so much food all week then I step on the scale after another week and it shows that I lost weight. 

I am ashamed that over the years I lost all of my confidence.  I dialed myself down, pulled myself in...all just to survive my marriage.  Then, I began to believe I was helpless. I was daily a failure...falling short of anyone that could live up to his expectations...being reminded constantly that I did not make him happy.  I did not make myself happy.  But how could I be in that atmosphere?


I had an epiphany today...after listening to one of the late Rev. Billy Grahams no too old sermons: I have to be able to realize that even though ASS II treated me in a way I did not deserve, he is what he is and he cannot be expected to be trusted not to sting when he is a scorpion.  His life will be the same thing over and over and he has peaked.  I am getting better and conquering one adventure after another. 

I am not sure I will ever have anyone else in my life.  I guess only time will tell.  Hey...it could be another adventure I have to conquer.  After all..."I'm Fearless"

Lost in Space

Okay...one month weight loss is a wee bit over 8 lbs.  It doesn't sound like a lot but the best part is I lost it without hardly trying.  I ate.  Tracked it.  Just ate a lot of food.  Weight Watchers is AWESOME.

Weather is warmer and I am trying to be more active.  A time will come where there will lots of garden work to do.

I am just looking forward to having this class done then the next 2 I will be taking for 6 weeks. Then I have to pass my license tests.  Sell my house.  Buy a new one.  Get moved and settled.  3 more classes in 6 weeks this summer.  Then I am going to relax.  I will not take on any projects.  No gardening (at least until the next summer).  No more classes (at least not for another 3 years).  I will get busy having a FUN life.  My own space.  Without any connection to ASS II.

I pray that my kids get their lives together.

Jordan bought Bethany a bearded dragon for Valentines Day. She has wanted for many years.  I hope she does not let him down.  I hope she loves him enough.

 This little 'lizard' was named Arwen.  They also have 2 cats: Frodo and Pippin.

Brittany still struggles and it causes TJ some struggles.  I am praying for them and not sure how it is going to work out.  Time will tell.  I also pray that TJ can find a better job cuz he needs it..deserves it.

The Gum on My Shoe

My first weigh in...I lost 4.2 pounds.  That was amazing to me!  I have hit a few anxiety moments.  And then I have to fight the old habit of eating my emotions.

I am making it through everything okay.  My last few IEPs were really good.  I have pretty much gotten the hang of it.   I still have some way to go before I can figure I am an 'expert'.

The ex tricked me into calling him.  He is blocked from my phone.  He texted me asking me if I could talk for a minute. Since he had asked me to wait to until today to cash the alimony check, I thought that maybe there was another problem.  But no, it was about some piece of junk mail...something stupid. Then he started to tell me about the gf bringing up to him about getting married...he tells her he does not want to talk about that...he calls her parents mom and dad....all the time I was talking over him, "I do not need to know this!  It's none of my business!  I don't care!!!!"  Said bye and hung up.  Then I told him that there was no reason for any of that asinine conversation and to not EVER think that I want to know ANYTHING about their relationship.  To which he replied, "everything I say to you is bad" and I said, "Yep, now you get it".  But, the words went in my ears and I can't unhear them.

arg...go away. Get married, don't get married, fall in a sink hole and die...I don't care.

I have homework to do tonight but I have been tired for days.  I am getting a good night's sleep but still tired.

Plodding Along to an Illusion of a Finish Line

I have started and quit so many diets.  I started them with enthusiasm...expecting great success.  But they always ended up being something I could not stick with.  I was not that disciplined to cut out large amounts of food that I could not eat.  So, I am giving Weight Watchers Freestyle another try.  I tried WW about 5 or so years ago when they were doing points system but their base of foods that they attached points to was small.  So, it was frustrating and I quit.  They have added to it though and it is easy to use.  I can plan ahead and I am able to eat pizza if I want as long as I plan for it.  I am eating mostly fresh food that I have to cook myself.  I like fruit and this allows me to eat fruit.  I like chicken and fish and I can eat all I want.  Of course, I am portion control conscious.  It does not ask you to be but I am.  I do not come close to using all of my points for the day and I end up with rolling over points.  I still don't touch them.  I have my first weigh in tomorrow and am feeling good.  I will not be upset if I do not lose much, or anything, after one week.  After all, I am not using all of my activity points like I should either.  I have to figure out how to do that.

I had a panic attack last night looking at my homework for this next week but I am just diving in and working as much as I can.  I will do my best.  This will be week 4.  Week 5 and 6 are easier and week 7 I have to put together and hand in my final project.  Luckily for me, we have a 3 day weekend..the Monday at the beginning of my 7th week is President's Day so it will give me some extra time.

I have let my hair grow.  It is longer than it has been in years.  I need the ends trimmed though because I have split ends.  I am not minding the long hair because, with help from my daughter, I have explored different hair care products and found things that work well for me and keep my hair from turning into a huge bushy mess.  Also with her support I have found skin care products that have greatly improved the look of my skin...neck, face especially.  The things I have found make the biggest difference: Avon vitamin C serum, Neutrogena moisturizing face wash, night gel mask, hydro boost moisture cream, and elf tinted face moisturizer with spf 20.

I am taking care of me.  I am also making time to either play in the back yard with Lucy or take a walk when the snow and rain are not falling.  Today is going to be in the mid to upper 40's so I will take time to take a walk with her...in between IEP writing and homework.

And having said that...I am going back to work.  I have 2 1/2 hours before the planned walk with Lucy.

The Long Meeting of Sharing and Feels

Today we had a 4 1/2 hour long Middle School meeting on line.  We all shared our lives.  There are other teachers out there that get what I have gone through because some of them are on the same page.  No, I did not start the whole thing.  There was another teacher that started telling her story...then another..and another...somewhere in there I shared some...and it just went on for 2 hours.
Then we had lunch and the rest of the meeting.

I had another epiphany.  And it has dropped a boulder off of my back:  it has not been that I did not forgive Douche, the problem has been that I have not forgiven myself.  Then I also realized that no one was holding anything against me.  I talked to my kids and they both said that no, they didn't have any hard feelings against me about anything. I was a good mom, I was always there and raised them well.  They are able to stand on their own 2 feet and figure things out. They are relatively well adjusted despite their dad.  So...having heard that, I forgave myself and have moved on.  I am feeling emotionally lighter.

Anytime Douche starts to creep into my thoughts at all, I stop and make my thoughts go in a different direction.  There is no reason for me to think of what is out in Kansas.

I am concentrating on what I need to do.  I do what I want to do and I am reveling in not having to be concerned with anyone else.

We found out our school may be taking in another 400-500 students soon.  They are trying to hire more teachers now to get ahead of the influx. But they also said we will need another 12 Intervention Specialists.  Does that mean that I will end up with way more students than I should have?  Again?
I am down to 17 students.  I started with 23.  I had to give 3 of them to a new IS.  Then one left the school on their own, 3 have been truancy withdrawn, another one was switched to a different curriculum and IS, then I received 2 new students.  I have not checked the student list today...I probably have another new one on there already.

Too many 'feels' today.  I am tired out.

This is too Bitter...Pass the Sugar

I will not go into the whole Christmas vacation thing.  I got to see Max, the kids got to have their dinner with their dad and meet the new woman.  The kids are sort of iffy about her. Bethany says it is too soon...she thinks the woman is too quick to rush in and embrace everyone and it makes her want to back away.  I get that because I am like that.  TJ said the woman acts a little too High Schoolish but at least she seems like a decent person and if this is the best that his dad can do and it works for him then he will accept it.

The weird part of it was that part of Douche's family contacted me afterward to make sure it is okay with ME that they get to know her....weird.  They said they felt as if they are betraying me.  I had to give them the talk..."he is related to you.  I am not his wife...she has not done anything wrong and you should get to know her."  I get that some of them like me more than they do him but...I view this as the thing that will allow them to let go of me.

I had an epiphany tonight...that I AM alone here...and I am not saying that in a depressing way.  What I am getting at is, I am alone...not connected to anyone and I do not have to 'worry' about what anyone thinks about what I do or how it will impact someone else.  Within reason.  I am free to do what I need to do or want to do ...for me.  No one else.  This is a new revelation.  For the first time in 27 years, I do not have to be just THE MOM...or someone's wife.

So, to that end.  I get up every day and read some Bible, then do a 10 minute deep breathe/relax/prayer session.  I get up, exercise for about 10-15 minutes, do the Bible meditation, eat breakfast then begin work.  I am feeling better.  This morning's bible reading was Colossians Chapter 3.  I won't quote but verses 8 and 13 are what I really needed and I will be focused on them for the week.

Ironically, the last class I have to start this Monday is all about writing IEPs.  yep..great timing.  I am hoping homework will be easy.  At the same time, I am learning how to do progress reports and I have 11 days to finish them all.  Some of them will be easier than others.  The ones at the end of semester 2 will be easier because they did not tell us what we needed to keep notes about.  Now I know and I will keep notes.  For these progress reports I have to pour through their course work and what notes I did keep to fill in progress and how many classes they attended.

Ugh...always something.  I will never get time to write my book.