Chasing Fear....Away

I think about a year after ASS II told me he wanted a divorce...after I lost my job...after I sat in a chair for almost 2 months, slept in it, and plotted ways to die...after praying for help over and over and clinging to hope...then was rewarded with a new job and feeling hope spring eternal...I bought myself a tshirt.  It says, "I'm Fearless" and on the back it says, "God's got my back".  I believe that.  He did not give up on me.  He has pointed, invited, pushed, shoved...ha ha.  But it has all been the best thing for me.

Things have broken down and I have had to take care of it...and it all made me feel inwardly stronger.  I needed to know that I am okay and I can do it.  I am NOT that person that sat in a chair for 2 months and plotted ways to die.

I am not a failure.  I do not refuse to keep trying.  God has filled me full of gumption.  He is helping me to be a better me...He is filling in the holes.

And now I am going to feel better about my outward self...my physical self...too.  I am so thankful for Weight Watchers Freestyle.  It is not a quick fix but it is a fix.  It amazes me when I eat so much food all week then I step on the scale after another week and it shows that I lost weight. 

I am ashamed that over the years I lost all of my confidence.  I dialed myself down, pulled myself in...all just to survive my marriage.  Then, I began to believe I was helpless. I was daily a failure...falling short of anyone that could live up to his expectations...being reminded constantly that I did not make him happy.  I did not make myself happy.  But how could I be in that atmosphere?


I had an epiphany today...after listening to one of the late Rev. Billy Grahams no too old sermons: I have to be able to realize that even though ASS II treated me in a way I did not deserve, he is what he is and he cannot be expected to be trusted not to sting when he is a scorpion.  His life will be the same thing over and over and he has peaked.  I am getting better and conquering one adventure after another. 

I am not sure I will ever have anyone else in my life.  I guess only time will tell.  Hey...it could be another adventure I have to conquer.  After all..."I'm Fearless"