Plumbing, Electricity, and Douche Bags

Whew...I have literally been through every emotion today that I can go through.

Frankly...I am ready to quit.  I just wanted a quiet Christmas.  I don't ask for much really.  I can be pretty easy to please.

The water filter in the basement is cracked and leaking.  I have tried patching it.  I even tried the tape that you are supposed to be able to use in place of the bottom of a boat...supposed to adhere even when wet.  They lie.  I tried an epoxy patch...too much water pressure...blew it right off.  I have one more patch to try.  I know I will have to replace the water filter.  That is a whole day piece of work.  And it is something I have to do all by myself...again. Cutting pipe.  Replacing pipe.  And I want to walk away.

I am tired.  Feel like I am always running behind.  Overwhelmed.

Dingus told our son that he was going to stop here around midnight on Christmas and drop Max off at the front door...even if I don't want to see him (Dingus...not Max).  I would kind of like to see Max but it is kind of not fair to Max.  He gets depressed.  It would confuse him.  And I would have to go through heart ache again.

It really angered me too that he felt he was just going to do what he wanted...no thoughts of whether or not I have plans...have any thoughts or feelings about it.  So I texted him and basically told him that he no longer can just make me rearrange my life for him.  He needs to have some consideration and realized that other ppl have lives and he should have been respcctful enough to ask.  All I got was, "I was going to ask you."  When you knocked on my door at midnight on Christmas night? That does not work for me.

He change his plans on the kids.  While for TJ it just happened to work out but for Bethany...she had to ask for the day off.  And he changed his plans.  Typical.  Her feelings about her dad are already on thin ice.  He has this new live in and I know what Bethany is thinking.  She already said, Wow!  You would think it would be important to him to spend some time with his kids!

I have been gathering up EVERYTHING around this house that belongs to him or has any attachment to him and putting it in a box.  I am having Bethany give it all to him.  I am purging my house of anything that has to do with him.

I am not upset that he is gone...moved on.  I am just wondering why everyone else has someone in their life and moving on when I am still here...struggling on my own.  Why.  I have taken good care of everyone to the point of sacrificing my needs and wants.  Why.  Why does he get to move on and have someone in his life when I am here alone...struggling with wiring problems and plumbing problems.  Why does he feel that I do not deserve respect?

My daughter has one foot out the door.  I have a feeling that on Dec. 27th, when she has a day off, she will be packing up her stuff and moving it all back to Jordan's.  And here I will be.

She has moved on.  My son has moved on.  And Doofus has moved on.  I raised my kids to move on.

And I have a cracked water filter and a wiring problem in the light switches in the hallway.  A job that drains me every day...and I have to put in 10-12 hours days sometimes.

Two of our 8th graders died Wednesday.  Died.  One with terminal cancer and one was a hunting accident.  And I just can't take one more thing.  I need someone to curl up with and put his arms around me and tell me that I don't have to do it alone.

It's a New Day

So far...I feel how I feel.  That feeling is over.  I went through the jumble of emotional swamp and now...it has been replaced. 

It is hard to describe.  I came to the realization that I have been keeping myself  from doing what I need to do for myself and moving forward because I have been stuck.  He was always there in my head and he would remind me he was still there.  I would hear the narrative.  I could not believe anything good about myself. 

Then it slowly occurred to me.  Like one of those spiral light bulbs that gets slowly brighter the longer it is on...he is GONE.  I mean...really gone.  He has someone in his life and he no longer NEEDS me to make him feel better.  He no longer turns to me for his support system.  Christmas will come and go and he will not be here to judge me and the house...leave with a pile of negative comments.  I...am....FREE! 

This feeling is like having back pain every day.  You get used to having to move a certain way, and you steel yourself for the pain you are going to feel as you get out of bed or try to do certain activities.  Then, one day...it is suddenly gone.  You keep testing yourself because you are not really believing it is gone. 

Yes, I realize I just compared him to a constant pain.  It fits.  But it is as if someone lifted a boulder off my chest.  I can breathe freely.  I started exercising again because I actually WANTED to!  Go figure.  I feel good! 

Now that the main source of my anxiety is gone, perhaps I will find myself not sitting in the chair in front of the TV so much feeling immobile. 

While there still is a bit of his judgment in the back of my brain still...I realize that I am in a place in my life, right now, that I am comfortable with.  I do not have a need, at this time, to have someone new in my life.  I am busy with my job and doing things around the house that need doing.  And if I get a moment of my own, I have many books I want to read.  There is the exercise that I will be doing daily.  Hopefully I will reap many benefits from that...beside weight loss.  It always makes my lower back feel better...it only takes one day of exercise to obtain that.  It was great to wake up this morning without the pain and not walk funny for the first few minutes after I get out of bed.

And the eye doctor gave me some contacts to wear so that I can just wear reading glasses at the computer.  I have not worn contacts in way over a year.  I have seldom worn them in the last few years because they just were not comfortable and the level of clear sight I got from them was disappointing.  But my older sister and my daughter were both raving about these accuvue oasis contacts so I am trying them now and I can see why they like them.  I can see!  No more wearing those glasses all the time!  That also makes me feel better about my looks.  In fact, I looked in the mirror and realized the only thing I am not liking so much about what I see is that I am overweight. And I am working on that.  It may take me a while but I am feeling better so hopefully the exercise thing will continue. 

I Feel How I Feel

I have been there for my kids.  Always.  Put my feelings and personal comfort aside for them. 

I am having a melt down.  and it has to do with my ex.  And it isn't because he is dating.  It is NOT the dating.  It is the stuff that came out of it.  The last thing I told him is I really do hope, for his sake, that it works out well however, if, heaven forbid, it comes to an end, do NOT call me anymore because I am sick and tired of him calling me when HE needed someone but he won't tell me he is dating someone now?  If he can't tell me that but will only call ME when HE needs someone then he can go f*** himself because it shows that he is not talking to me cuz he does consider me a friend...he is talking to me because HE is lonely but I really mean nothing to him.  Nothing.  No respect for me.  He got mad but...I really don't give a crap.  This is MY life and he no reason to be in it.  It has always baffled me how he could decide he doesn't want me in his life...so he divorces me...YET he will call me and text me and email me to tell me about his life cuz..."I still love you  and want us to be friends."  What a maroon.    It is NOT the dating...it his total lack of respect.  He will never get it. 

And my kids lied to me about it.  They said, "he told us not to tell you."  And they didn't tell me BUT when I asked them point blank if he was dating...because he was silent and I was pretty sure that meant he is dating...they lied.  for him.  I told them that lying is lying and seriously, considering everything...how he treated them...and how I was always there for them...always...still am...lying should have never happened no matter what.  And THAT is why I hurt.

But no one understands why I am so upset.  And I am not going to try and explain it anymore to anyone because it is based on how I am perceived and treated by all.

And you know what....

I am so damned tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD feel or why I SHOULDN'T feel what I am feeling.  THESE ARE MY FEELINGS FOR MY OWN REASONS!   WHEN DO I GET TO BE SELF CENTERED???  WHEN DO I GET TO JUST ACKNOWLEDGE MY OWN FEELINGS?

Now.  I am doing that now.  I am just tired of worrying about my son and his weekly arguments with his wife and divorce talks.  I am tired of worrying about my daughter and her anxiety and confusion about what she is going to do and where she is going to do it.  I have a job I have to do and set my emotions aside for that. I am going to allow myself to feel disrespected and hurt.  Cuz...it is MY life, MY feelings and I am going to acknowledge myself.  Obviously no one else is.

GOAL!

Each day I do a bit more...learning more how to help the students assigned to me.  But it makes me mad because it should have been this way from the start.  I have students in double digits that are failing.  I can't be sure if they are failing because of laziness, their disability, or because I was not shown how to modify lessons.  I would feel like the dummy but the guy on my team that used to be a teacher for OHVA for the last few years seems to be even more clueless than me. Nathan.  His name is Nathan.  Which explains what I suspected about him over the last 2 years when he was an ELA teacher and I was working as a FASL.  He was very blase about things.  I would ask him questions about his student and I would get a lot of, "I will check."  "I am not sure".  I am wondering if the reason he felt that he did not have a choice of whether or not he was switched from ELA Gen Ed teacher to IS is because they were trying to find a more useful spot for him.At least he has a good sense of humor.  Dry and sarcastic.  Something I can relate to.  I do not know how he handles THIS job.  He is married with young kids.  The married part is manageable as long as the spouse is understanding but how does he manage to have time for his kids?? 

I took the time to rearrange my budget and account for everything.  It cuts down on anxiety.  Now I need to take the time to arrange the time for working out.  Exercise is the only thing that helps me take off weight.  Of course you have to eat sensibly.  I can't eat a piece of pie everyday.  I should bake a pie then freeze the pieces.  Eat one piece a week.  That would take me 2 months to eat one pie.  3 pies a year (I CAN do math!).   I am not good at sticking with a diet that makes me cut out whole groups of food.  Right now the craze is cutting out sugar and carbs.  I can understand cutting out sugar.  And lowering the carb intake is good.  Lord knows twinkies aren't good for you. And eating pop tarts for breakfast is not the best idea...for MANY reasons.  yuck.

I would like to eat spaghetti once in awhile.  And maybe some potato soup.  I would like to eat salsa with chips.  I can do that...just not every day or every week.  I just need to put in a good amount of exercise.  I ask me students before small group IEP classes if they have taken a dance break to shake things out and get the blood pumping.  I need to make sure I do. I can do that between classes in the morning...after the classes...after my classes.  Then in the evening I do a half hour of working out in someway...muscle work out or cardio.  Track what I am eating on My Fitness Pal.  I really do need to learn to take care of myself.   I have gotten so used to putting everyone and everything before myself.

I finally got my travel cost reimbursement from my employer.  Now I have enough money to pay off to shut off this infernal Directv.  Then I am unplugging.  Hulu and perhaps CBS All Access but now I am thinking Amazon Firestick because my smart TV does not allow me to add the CBS all Access App.  So what good is it?  It is good for one button access to Netflix.  And Hulu.  But I want CBS All Access and possibly HBO access.  (I miss Sneaky Pete).

On a totally unrelated note...I chatted with a HS friend of mine on the FB tonight. She has always really liked me and I, for the life of me, do not know why. Especially when I was annoyed by her...WAY to enthusiastic.  LOL!  Anyway, she has lost quite a bit of weight in the last 6 months. She had a hernia and had an operation and while they were in there, they took part of her stomach...like a gastric bypass type of operation...a sleeve.  She went from 232 to 163 and still losing.  She told me how much more energy she has and her back pain is gone.  She is the second friend of mine that has had such a surgery.  This HS friend urged me to check into it.  It would be great to have some help in the weight loss department. 

Anyway...I have things to do tomorrow.  I have a few craft fairs to go to at which some friends have some booths AND I have a hockey game to go to. One of my students asked me to come watch him play.  He is a great kid and a good student.  It is only 10 minutes away so I will put on a warm coat and go watch.  Make the kid happy.  His parents adopted him and 2 other kids. The other 2 have physical problems and this couple adopted them on purpose to give these kids a good home and someone that loved them and took care of them.  Now that is amazing.  What great people!

I also have  bit of yardwork.  So, I guess I had better get some sleep.

Fall Back

Beginning of November already? ??

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I put in a new long shirt and leggings.  I lost 2 months of my life sitting in front of a computer and it SHOWS. I should have been out walking Lucy while it was nice weather but...nnnoooo...I was doing homework and writing IEPs!!!   Ugh.

There has GOT to be more to life than this.

Yay Me

A moment to breathe.

This job has been crazy.  The class is finally over.  I finished it up and handed it in. Just hoping for a solid B just to get the credit.

I am becoming more familiar with IEPs.  They still have some mystery to me.  However, I am doing them in less time.

My daughter had a melt down and I had to move her back home. She quit her relationship and she quit her college classes...she was one big ball of anxiety and swirling around the drain.

That was 2 weeks ago. Today she said that she is feeling comfortable with her job.  She misses Jordan but knows she is not ready for the living together thing.  She says she is pretty sure she wants to go back to her psych classes but will wait and explore other possibilities.

TJ and Brit go through a monthly struggle of 'shall we get a divorce or just hang in there?'

I have finally reached a point where Douche is but a blip on my conscious radar.  I simply don't care.  In fact if he enters my mind at all, I feel an overwhelming sense of tired.  I have heard enough from him and he is a 50+ year old man acting like a teenager.  Thinking like a teenager.  whatever.  Just so he stays alive and keeps his job until I sell this house.

The Retina Surgeon checked my eyes.  He was rather grim.  The blank spot in my left eye that is distorting my vision COULD still heal but he is not sure what it is because he does not see a reason for it.  The gel layer in my right eye is separating from the retina and could cause a tear in my retina and he wants to keep track of it.

So, knowing I need eye glasses, I made an appointment with the optometrist.  He gave me an explanation for the blank spot and he told me that is could very well still heal but it is in my eye and will take a long time, yet.  Okay.  Something to hang on to.  Then he said that the gel layer separating from the retina is normal as we age.  He says it will separate here and there because it is losing its gel.  Which also may give a reason for the blank spot in my left eye sight...during the surgery they had to refill the gel layer.  It could be the point at which they filled the gel layer and it has to heal.
As for my retina tearing, he said that is a rarity and a worst case scenario.

He also told me that compared to last year when I got new glasses, my right eye has improved 'two steps forward' and my left eye has gotten worse 'three steps backward' which would cause my eye strain, feeling of dizziness, and fatigue.  My brain is trying to work with two significant different types of vision.  So, my new glasses will be here within the week and boy am I looking forward to that!

The old guy that was doing the eye measurements, doing the ordering...tried to talk me into the most expensive eye glass frames they had.  My insurance covered them but they all had rhinestones or something like it on the 'arms' of the glasses.  I told him I did not want fancy or bling on my glasses.  I picked out a less expensive pair that were silver, thin, and plain.  He kept showing me other ones...colored, flowered...and I said, "no...I want these ones!"  He seemed disgusted.  He also seemed disgusted that my vision insurance was better than his.  What a weird man.

Tomorrow I have rented a cargo van to go pick up a black leather couch and chair I bought for TJ (used, of course) and a sage green couch with recliners at both ends for Bethany for when she moves out again.  I am going to use it in my family room in the meantime.  I got that one fo $40.  I also need to mow my lawn, vacuum and mop the floors,and 2 IEPs to write.  There is my weekend.

yay me.

Jello

I am tired.  Anxious. Frustrated.  Between my new job...trying to learn it...and my class...trying to get everything done...I feel like I am buried.  Everyday I am choking down the panic.

I will be SO glad when this class is over.  Thank God it is only 7 weeks long.  And thank God this is a 3 day weekend because I have lawn to mow and weeding to do on top of everything else.

Bethany is going to move back home.  She is worried about upsetting Jordan.  I told her he will be upset no matter when she does it so just target a date when she is going to do it and work with it.

TJ told me that perhaps Brit is pregnant and he is freaking out cuz he says they can't afford a baby. They can't. But neither could Troy and I...either one.  We made it.  I told him that if she is, they will make it. They have people to help.  They won't know for a couple of weeks cuz it is kinda early.  My sister told me that it is just one more thing for me to get hit with.  I told her I am not getting hit with anything.  It is not my life. She laughed like it was the funniest joke in the world.  I told her, "it isn't. It is their life and they will need to handle it."  I told my kids that I am NOT raising grandkids.  No sir.

But then, does any grandparent plan on raising their grandkids?

One thing at a time.  Right now I am dealing with a whole lot of emotion.  I got my new contract finally and they did not give me one dime more than I was earning for my last job...even though this is a lot more work.  I may take my year of training with them and leverage it into a higher paying position with another school system.  I found out that they lost most of their middle school Intervention Specialists at the end of the last school year.  I am already understanding why.  They gave me an 8th grade IS position.  It has more 'stuff' that goes with it.  I would have been better with 6th grade but they evidently feel I can shoulder the extra work.

I don't want to but I am not in a position where I get a say, right now.  I can say this...any IS position I apply for with a school system, once they see that I was an 8th grade IS, that is where I will get stuck until I retire...or win the lottery.

Nothing has been easy.  This has been like pushing a rock up hill all the way. I sometimes wish I had never started this IS cert. work.  I did it as a back up.  I know there are people out there that do a lot more and handle it.  I am what I am.

Combat Training

I got the email this last Tuesday letting me know I would start my new position as an Intervention Specialist yesterday (Friday).  I did not hear anything from my new lead until Thursday morning.  I have no idea what to expect. She told me not to be too overwhelmed. She will work with me through it.

Two of the new IS ppl in the group I am in are teachers that I worked with last year. They are becoming IS instead this year.  Not sure why.  One of them, Nathan, told me, "you will be fine.  Think of it as combat training in the middle of a war in Iraq."  What a guy.

So, the Lead, Carmen, disappeared on my yesterday afternoon.  I spent my time looking through the documents in the school cloud.  She sent me an email after 7 pm. apologizing for disappearing. She took her son to the doctor and then just got caught up in 'stuff'.  In other words, she just took the afternoon off.  THEN TELL ME!  I could have gone grocery shopping!  Then at about 11 p.m last night she started dropping a ton of documents into my school email.  I heard the notifications going off as I was trying to fall asleep.  I woke up at 6 a.m. with a tightness in my chest.

I set up my classroom and added my students.  I downloaded and saved documents.  And I just basically tried to relax.

I did find out something rather nice about the class I am taking...that starts this Monday, also.  It is only 7 weeks long...unlike the 14 weeks that I had been originally told that it would be.    That means, I will have about 9 glorious weeks before I would have my last 7 week class.  And then...I am DONE!

However, Johna, the head of the Special Education Department and my new boss, told me that once I take my test to get my certification added to my license, they are going to arrange classes for me to get my clock hours to get my HQ certification.  HQ means High Quality...which is something you get when you have a certain amount of hours of concentration in a course.  So I get to choose...Math...Language Arts...Social Studies...etc.

More classes and studying.  Will it NEVER end?  I am really looking forward to retirement already.

As for my kids...Bethany went to a concert down by the Ohio River--an hour and a half away-- last Friday night with a friend and had car trouble.  I drove down there and met them when the concert was out. She had almost no coolant.  I filled it up and followed her home.  I had called the mechanic Friday night and he said to leave it there for Monday morning.

It turned out, as I had originally suspected, the water pump was shot.  I had thought that's what it was but her dad told me he had a new one put on about 4 years ago.   So, I thought...I am wrong. But, nope.  And he did not have a warranty.  He had it put on at a fly by night place so I am sure it was not a new one, either.  Anyhow, it is fixed now and she has a $470 bill to pay.  She is kinda pissed that she is having to pay for that replacement but as I told her, it is cheaper than having to buy another car.  I am very thankful that the head gasket did not crack or the engine did not burn up.

TJ and Brit took off for Myrtle Beach this morning for a week for their 1st anniversary.  I had to bug my son to get an oil change on his car before they left and to make sure to check his coolant level before he left.  Thankfully he listened.  Then they took off and not too far down the road, they almost got Tboned.  Not a great way to start a trip but at least no one was hit, hurt, etc.

Well, time to get busy.

The Good, Bad, and the Awful

Last Saturday night I spent with my 2 kids.  They came here for dinner, then we went to the Lifehouse/Switch Foot concert.  Afterwards we ate Ben and Jerry's ice cream and had some more talking.  It was a pleasant evening with a lot of goofing around.  My kids have my sense of humor...something their dad has never quite gotten.  In fact, it annoyed him.

Work started again this Tuesday morning.  It has not been a lot.  Mostly setting up our notes, adding students to our online class list, and doing a whole bunch of training.  Same thing...Blood borne pathogens, diabetes, crisis prevention, homeless students, etc.

I now have 2 more days to finish up my work for this class I have been taking.  Then, I have 3 weeks before my next class begins.  The next class is going to be a whole semester long.  The classes I have taken this last year were all 1/2 a semester long.  I am hoping that since this next one is spread out over a semester it will not be so intense.  yeah...right.

Every once in a while, I stop and look around and feel so very overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done around this house for me to be ready to put it up for sale and move next summer.  Most of the work is little stuff but the biggest share of it is ridding out.  I try not to get ticked off with the fact that 3 other adult people moved out of this house and left the stuff behind they didn't want anymore.   So, I get to figure it out.

blah.  Oh well. If that is the worst thing I have to deal with...

Bethany and I went to  local coffee house to watch Scott Patterson's band, Smithradio, perform.  In case you don't recognize the name, if you are a Gilmore Girl's fan, he played Luke Danes.  If you are not, he was in 4 of the SAW movies, but I do not know his character's name on those movies, since I do not watch them.  He named his band after Patti Smith.  He said he grew up in her neighborhood and knew her when he was younger, before she became really famous.  Her music, supposedly influenced his.  It was a good night.  Their music is pretty good.  The stories he told behind the writing of the song made it even better.   Afterwards there was a "meet and greet" but you had to pay $50 for that.  God bless my daughter...she takes after her mom.  I would not pay the money because frankly, I don't think I should have to pay extra to take a picture with ANYONE...I do not care what level of fame that person thinks they have.  I am not impressed.  Still a regular person...just recognized by more ppl.   I asked her if she wanted to pay the extra she said, "no...I don't care!"  ha ha!  Good girl!

However, she did talk me into stopping at an Awful House...I mean a Waffle House.  Since she has never been to one...and neither had I...I said, "why not?"  Now I know 'why not'.  She can mark that off her list.  yuck.  It is really an Awful House.  She said, "now I know why only drunk ppl come here after the bars close.  they won't remember it.  I wish I didn't"  Love that girl.

I Can Die Now

So, I bought some Amberen.  It is an OTC med for women going through menopause.  I bought it for many reasons...mostly for my mood. And to rid myself of the horrible hot flashes.  It promises to balance out hormones so that it resets your moods (please, get me out of this never ending depression/funk!), get rid of hot flashes, perhaps help you regain some energy, and maybe help you be able to lose weight.

I have taken it for 5 days and it has already elevated my mood from the chronic depression to feeling pretty good...optimistic even.

Then  read an article about people that have a condition known as: Perennial nonallergic rhinitis.  I read all the symptoms and it is me!  I thought I had a regular seasonal allergy but then, it turned into year round.  I do not have the itchy eyes.  and the worst part is the fatigue that keeps getting worse. So I ordered the nasal spray that is supposed to 'fix' it.  I got it today.  So, I tried it right away.  I had to use it twice because of the sinus congestion.  You shake it up and spray it in your nostrils...and at first it brings some tears to your eyes. Then...voila...head cleared out.  I can breathe...no sinus headache!

Needless to say...I am finally feeling better.  FINALLY!

I found out today that I WILL be moved to an Intervention Specialist position but it may not be until after school officially begins for the students.  That is fine.  I will begin next week in my old position and stay there for about 3 weeks.  School officially begins in 3 weeks.  It will just give me more free time to do things around the house.

I had to do some repairs in the sunroom.  The one door needed new hardware...spring loaded strike plate and a new piston closer.  Should have been easy enough to replace but new things do not necessarily fit in place of the old things.  Nothing is easy.

And to share a story I posted on my FB page...
Funny story...came to Lowe's to get some more screen. Guy has his teenage son with him and is showing him some kind of hardware and comparing things and giving him a 'lesson'. Suddenly there is a loud yelp and the guy starts jumping around and yelling, "aaahhh! There was a spider on it!" His son is laughing, I walked over and the thing was whirling on the floor, not even as big as the nail on my pinky. I brought my foot down on it. He quit jumping and said, "Thank you! You saved my life!! That thing touched my hand!!" I looked at him, shook my head, turned around and was laughing as I walked away...while his son is cracking up. So...I saved someone's life today. Hahahaha!

My life's purpose has been fulfilled....

Nothing Rhymes With Purpose

July 29.  I was hoping that by now it would be just another day on the calendar.  It still triggers a bad feeling in the depths.  It used to mark my wedding anniversary.

This year it just so happens that one of my favorite bands is playing at a nearby venue.  7 years ago, when I was still married, we all had tickets to see them.  They were playing a concert after an Indians game.  You bought the game tickets and you got the concert.  But it poured.  Everything cancelled.  Had to cash the tickets back in. 

So, 7 years later...we get to see them.  Lifehouse...and Switchfoot.

The trip home was okay.  Mom is anxious about Dad slowing down and forgetting things.  Dawn just complains about everything.   I had to have a talk with both of them...about facing reality.  Now isn't that the blind leading the blind? 
I came home and have been in a nearly immobile depression every since. 

I need a purpose.  Something that makes me move. 

I think the thing that sent me to the depths was the email from our Team lead.  She accepted a job with another e-school...one headquartered close to where she lives.  She is going to be dean of students.  While I am happy for her, it hit me.  Change.  Ppl leaving.  Things changing.  The world spins so fast within that kaleidoscope of constant change. 

I am anxious about the new job coming up.  Of course, I have not heard from them about where they will put me.  I may not move...

I am sick of change.  There was that short period of time where we stayed where we were.  The kids were fairly stable.  But then everything took a really big shift...followed by another...then more of the same.  I would just love to get settled.  Then...find a purpose to move...but not make big changes.

Vertigo

Sometimes you feel like life is just spinning out of control.  Sometimes you feel like things are spinning because you panic.  I have experienced the latter.  And I do not know what I am panicking about.  Just random anxiety.

My family all gathered at my parents' for the July 4th holiday.  Well, my kids and I were not there.  My son was working.  Bethany was not working but Jordan was.  She came over to do some grilled food for dinner, we had some drinks, walked to the city park to watch the fireworks and walked back home for some strawberry-rhubarb dessert.

My mother called me the next night to tell me that my father had spent the 4th in bed because he had passed out that morning.  She said they decided it was his vertigo.  They decided.  He passed out briefly.  I could tell she was all nerved up.  My younger sister and her family was staying at the house.  My mom gets very easily flustered anymore.  Luckily, they left this morning and I talked to my dad who sounded pretty good.  He said he was fine.  He said it was just some vertigo.   Hhhmmmm...after the meds he is on every since that full length clot in his right leg 3 years ago...I am not totally convinced but he said he is having blood work and a check up done on Monday so I pray he is going to be okay.

Back to Bethany....she is having second thoughts.  She is not sure, anymore, that Jordan is the one.  She seems to think that she may have missed out on a pretty great guy. When she told me who it was...oi.  I told her that she really needs to think about who this guy is and his problems.  She is not going to make his world better because it is up to him to figure things out and he DOES have a lot of things to over come.  It is fine if they are friends but he is NOT her guy.  I told her that she just needs to concentrate on whether Jordan is her guy all by himself and not be thinking someone, specifically, would be better because the grass is not greener. Each person comes with his own set of negativities.
I guess I will need to help her sort things out.

However...I am still working on sorting out my own pile...

Time Flies

Time Flies.  An ancient breed of insect that most people try to ignore.  Time flies will land on your life and feed off of your time.  People use anti-aging creams, little blue pills, mid-life crisis, hair dye, and botox to recapture youth in an attempt to kill the time flies but nothing has proven successful.

I seem to encourage the time flies by piling up a lot of wasted time.  It seems that way.  I look back on what I have done with my life and, while I did not accomplish what I thought I was going to accomplish when I was in my hopefilled 20's, I have accomplished quite a bit.  It all depends what you measure accomplishment with...is it a career measuring stick, a general life measuring stick, a volunteer measuring stick?  If I use the general life measuring stick it all looks pretty good.  If I use the career measuring stick, though, it is discouraging.

I have thought that if I had had a life plan and followed it, I would be in a better position in life right now.  But I just took life as it comes and jumped into whatever I felt I should do at the time.  My life has meandered off the course I had once had in my head.  I am at a place where I know I should take my own advice and plan a course and follow it.  Some plans have been made and I am working on them...or am I?

I was contemplating the Intervention Specialist certification but I figured it would take too long and cost too much money.  Then, the college I take my professional development classes from that helps me keep my license updated, sent me an email announcing their Intervention Specialist program that was only 6 classes in a year and then I could get my certification.  I still was not sure.  I prayed about it and it just seemed like I should go for it.  So, I have been doing that.  Now, I am fence sitting again...about my next move.

Just like whether or not I am ready for, or want, a new relationship.  I want to be in love.  I want to be loved.  Yet, I am kind of enjoying my aloneness to a certain extent.  I am enjoying only having to take care of me.    I am also learning to not keep buying things for my kids that they say that they need or want.  I need to take care of my own finances.  My kids are just as financially well off as I am.  My son and DIL need to figure things out better.  They have the money to cover everything but seem to spend a lot of it eating out.  I pointed them towards the lower priced grocery stores and told them, "buy it and cook it.  You won't gain so much weight but your bank account will grow fatter."  Since my son has been on a weird work schedule, I know he is eating a lot of fast food.  She could help that situation more...but she doesn't.

I went to see my daughter last night after she got off work.  Jordan was working over night.  I took our favorite thin crust pizza, her pint of almond milk ice cream, her favorite bread sticks and sauce, plus a six pack of Redd's blueberry ale.  She pigged out!  I ate more than I should have but we had a nice evening out on her balcony.  We talked about a lot of things.  I let her talk about the relationship with Jordan.  I only added words of caution with encouragement.  I basically told her to proceed with caution...things could work out...they have just seriously started working on this.  Time will tell.  I know she is most worried of ending up staying in a relationship she should have abandoned.

I, on the other hand, am going to make a concerted effort NOT to worry about my lack of relationship.  As long as nothing majorly negative turns up for me healthwise, or some life ending event does not rear its ugly head in front of me, I have quite a few years ahead of me and have time to meet someone...or not.  It will be what it will be.  I just need to make the best out of what I have.

So, having said that...I have a 'to do' list and plan on getting some of that stuff done on my list.  If I can stick to a schedule, I should be able to finish it all over my vacation time and still have days and hours left to relax and enjoy myself.

Patient Healing

I am the patient.  I am healing.  But to heal, I must be patient.  Now I know why the person that is healing is called a patient.  However, that is a presumptuous label.  I have forced myself to be patient.

I worked my arse off trying to get some things taken care of that I knew I would be unable to do anything about for a while.  I got the worst of the grass out of the rose garden so it would save it for a few weeks (I still have to go out there and really dig and clear more grass roots).  I had work things to take care of.  I turned my 8 page paper for my class into a 12 page paper but it was not my best work.  I needed those other 4 days to work on it and make it flow better and be more cohesive.  But, in the end, it did not get such a bad grade.

So, with the joined efforts (and vehicles) of Jordan, Bethany and I, we got her moved on the Sunday after her dad left (6/4).  The vanity was done (but not the chair).  I still have to paint, and recover the seat, of the vanity chair.  This will be done this week.  I did not have time to do the kitchen island.  I always have such ambitious plans for myself and I could probably do it all if I didn't have to sleep.  I will, hopefully, get to it at the end of this week, as well.

At the school employee conference, the head of the Family Academic Services department (under which my job falls) introduced me to the head of the Special Education department with the idea that she would talk to me about possibly working in her department starting this year.  Apparently I can get a temporary certification for Intervention Specialist while I finish my classes.  It would be like an internship because they would connect me with a training mentor and I would be closely guided through the job.  Supposedly.  I have heard from other IS personnel that were hired for the IS position that they felt as if they were thrown into the deep end of the pool and left to flail their way into learning how to swim on their own.  HOWEVER, I have the added bonus as having made some connections/relationships with some of the other IS personnel and I am in no way afraid to ask questions nor ask for help.  I have something to pray about and ponder.  On one hand, I know it would most likely be a great idea to get some experience and training this next year before I have to take my certification tests because it will help me pass those tests.  On the other hand, I do not want o necessarily go through a year of stress and upheaval again and would like to keep the job I have for one more year and have some room to relax somewhat. The job I have is pretty flexible  if I need to do something and  we have been given some training on how to arrange things in such a way as to make things easier.  I would like to use that training, however, there are pros and cons to both jobs and decisions.

My eye surgery went well.  I am pleased. The doctor said that once he removed the scar tissue, my retina smoothed back out and fell back into place and it did not look damaged like he expected.  I attribute this to lots of prayers from family and friends.  He inserted a small gas bubble just to make sure it did stay in place on that first day especially.  I had to lay face down for the first 8 hours then I could sleep on my side.  I was to do NOTHING...no housework, no reading, no computer...I could only watch TV.  Yippee.  I spent a lot of hours watching TEDtv and documentaries.  I was told that other people having this surgery have had to lay face down for DAYS.  yuck.  I was told during my first check up after 5 days that my eye is healing better and faster than expected.  The gas bubble still remains in the bottom of my eye...a small bit of bubble that is annoying.  I keep thinking I got something on the bottom of my eye glass lens.

I have spent my time also avoiding Scott.  It turns out that he says his job keeps him busy June-October and he is away most of that time.  This is not an ideal situation for me.  If I am going to invest in someone then they are going to be HERE.  I have had enough of separation relationships.  If I get into another relationship he is going to be HERE.  He does not have to be joined at my hip because that is not healthy either.  But I do not want to have to figure out how to take care of everything myself, again.  I want support and help.  I want to feel wanted.  I know I am going to have to 'adult' and let him know how I feel about this whole thing.  It is not nice to 'ghost' someone...as my daughter says it is called.  I will not just fade away.  Ppl need closure.

I have a lot of things to do in the next 5 weeks.  However, this week should be great weather wise so I should be able to get a lot of things marked off my bucket list.  I just hold my breath and hope that weather for the NEXT few weeks is just as good.  It will be what it will be.  But time to make a schedule and plan and stick to it.

I am finding some nice points to being here alone.  I do not have a trail of mess to clean up after someone else.  I can open the windows on these summer days and turn on ceiling fans and live with the summer warmth without anyone complaining.  AC is great if the day is hot AND humid or the outside temp gets about mid 80's.  My family lived for AC.  They ALL complained if I opened the windows and shut off the AC.  I do that in my car also...open the sunroof, the windows and let the natural air blow through.

I can also keep my fridge and cupboards snack and forbidden food free.  My cupboards look fairly empty and my fridge does too because I do not have left overs.  I cook what I need for one meal and that is it.  I have no chips or 'good for you' protein bars, no sugary things.  I have sugar free/low carb bread, peanut butter that has no salt, extremely small amt of sugar and carbs, salad, veggies, sugar free/no carb salad dressing, and meat that has to be cooked...not already cooked/sauced and full of preservatives.

I will use my grill for the first time tomorrow.  It is a massive thing that I do not need at this time.  However, perhaps once I move.  Yes, I am more sure than ever that I do want to move back up to NE Ohio next summer.  I will be more settled and comfortable.  HOWEVER, I am wondering what my daughter's living arrangement will be at that time.  She and Jordan have only been living together for 3 weeks and she is finding out his personality bears quite a few similarities to her father's.  He is insistent that his 'ideas' are the right ones, he lectures her on her diet (to the point that she is 'hiding' a pint of almond milk ice cream in my freezer) and will turn the stove down when she is cooking because he tells her it is too high of a temperature.  All of this is aggravating her.  I told her that they have a year to work on their issues and if things do not show signs of changing or do not get better in any way, if he is entrenched in this personality type, she needs to walk or she will be signing up for the same relationship I had for years. She says she is more than aware and will be willing to walk away in order to avoid my mistakes.  I grimace because I remember how upset she got when I was wigging out about how Jordan had gotten into my linen closet and straightened the towels, etc up in such an intricate state of folding and lining up and exact spacing that it was like Sleeping With the Enemy because I thought their dad had been here.  Jordan had even gone one step farther and organized my kitchen shelves.  She said it was no big deal.  I told her it was because 1) he didn't even know me, 2) her dad did that when he was upset with me, 3) his birthday is exactly one week after her dad's.  NOW she is beginning to see why I was so wigged out.  I hope he has an ability to change however, I am afraid he has too many mental issues because of his childhood.  His mom left him and his dad because she is bi-polar and is not good at taking meds.  She moved on to another guy, they had a child and she left him. She is now with another guy and they have a child (who has autism) and is on and off with her meds still.  Jordan's dad is not a positive emotional person.  He did a lot of things Bethany's dad did....criticize, ignore, long lectures, and, to feel like he was doing something for his son he would throw some money at him once in a while.  He basically gave Jordan the message that he never did anything right and he was a constant screw up.  And it HAS affected Jordan's mental and emotional state.  Just like Troy.  TJ may have fallen to the same mental and emotional fate as his dad but he had a mom that was there for him and encouraging and loving.  Bethany, however, has the problem I had after years with her dad...she becomes quickly defensive whenever anyone says anything that she perceives as critical and negative...even if it is just an observation or suggestion.  She has THAT to get over.

I do not want my daughter's heart broken but I would rather it happen at 22 than years later, if it has to happen.  She has more time to recover and find a better partner.  However, we will see how it plays out.

Patient healing.  Emphasis on PATIENT.

Go Peddle Crazy Somewhere Else

I helped Mr. Ex load up the furniture and such on Wednesday.  ALL heavy.  The truck bed was full, the trailer was full.  I looked at him and said, "now, I want you to admit it."
"What?"
"That you needed a trailer!"
"I could have gotten it all.."
"OH PLEASE!!!  Never mind...I am not having this discussion" and I went in the house.

I got us something to eat and he sat there and started telling me about some of his dates.  I got up from the table and went out into the kitchen.  He came out and started to pick it back up.  I held up my hand and I said, "You REALLY need to not talk so much.  You divorced me and so that you could date low lifes."  I will not continue with what all I told him because it makes me sound like a racist/bigot.  I was mad.  He actually did shut up and leave the room.

The hardest part was taking Max out to the truck.  He jumped up in the front seat.  I told Douche good bye and to make sure he took good care of Max...or else.

I was talking with my mom later when he interrupted with a call.  I thought,' oh no! Something happened!'  But...no.  He just wanted to TALK!  Will this man EVER go away?!?

I ended up not being able to go out with the new guy...Scott.  He ended up working over with the horses (they were taking off for Lexington to races the next morning, after all...I do not know why he insisted on making a date).  Then he asked me to meet him for breakfast before he left.  I reluctantly agreed because I did not want to jump and run in the morning.  It turns out he couldn't make that either.  His truck had a mechanical issue when he went to leave the horse farm the night before.  He took it into the mechanic as soon as he could in the morning and 2 hours and over $100 later it was fixed and he had to head straight to Lexington.  He won't be back for 10 days.  Which is fine considering the amount of work I have to do around here...

I have my class work to get done before the 13th...2 weeks early... because the 13 and 14th I will be at our school conferences.  The 15th I have my eye surgery.

It seems I am moving my daughter bit by bit over this next week.  AND I have a kitchen island to assemble for them.

My rose garden needs to get DONE! along with my sunroom needing to be taken care of so that I can enjoy it while I am convalescing.   I will sleep in on those days and enjoy it.

I helped Beth's bf move a dresser into the apartment (he is moved in already) and she was moving some boxes in. She disappeared into the bathroom.  Jordan finally checked on her and she was curled up in the bath tub.  The anxiety and reality of it all hit her.

Mr. Ex reported that Max has yet to eat anything. In the meantime,  back HERE, Jack finally ate some food tonight.  He and Lucy started to play around together.  AND I have not had to clean up one Jack puddle today.

Tomorrow...I have a vanity to paint, a chest of drawers to fix, a rose garden to work on.

Sunday...move the chest, a dresser, maybe the vanity.  Work on my homework.  Monday...work on the island, mow my lawn, do my job, do homework.
Tuesday, work on the island, clean my sunroom.
Wednesday...hopefully move the island..if not, it will wait until Friday.  I have work work to finish up in the meantime, along with a lot of classwork of my own.  I can do this!!!

I am NOT moving from here before next spring.  I need time to slowly clear it out.  I am not going to rush because I need a little calm.  As it is, I may be learning a new job this next year.  AND I MIGHT be working on a new relationship.  That is all I want to deal with.  It is more than enough.

Off to the Races

This has been a very 'interesting' week.

It began with Mr. Ex coming into town last Wednesday morning.  He asked if he could stop and see Bethany, take a nap and get some coffee.  It was a 12 hour drive for him, which turned into something longer because of a major 2 hour back up due to some accident on the freeway.  He ended up pulling over in a store parking lot and falling asleep for an hour.

Since I am not heartless I allowed it.  I was going to give them the grill so that Bethany, Jordan, and perhaps TJ and Brittany could have dinner with him.  Then he could take off to his mom's.  I was going to go to Trivia with my Meetup group.  But that is not how it turned out.

Jordan was too tired after work and said he did not feel well.  So, he didn't come.  Then TJ said he had a Dr's appt after work and it would be too late if he came plus he had to be up for work at 4:30 a.m.  AND Brittany was working late.  I was too tired to go to Trivia myself and planned on just cooking myself something so he and Bethany could go out to dinner.  He insisted that I go with them.  Since he was being Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice, I went.  Then the tornado sirens started going off.  It turned into a night of tornado watch as it headed for our town.  He was not going anywhere.  The tornado touched down in the town east of us (what a mess) then took a turn and headed into the town north of us. The all clear did not happen until close to midnight.

I slept on the mattress for my new bed by putting it in the bedroom/office at the end of the hall.  I let him sleep on the huge brick of a bed in my bedroom that he is taking back to Kansas with him.  My new bed may be smaller but I don't have to climb up into it AND it is ever so much more comfortable.

He came back Monday.  Monday night.  My parents had gone to a community garage sale and bought me a snow blower.  I am not sure why they have always worried about this and been insistent on me having a snow blower.  But, they got Mr. Ex to stop at their place before he came back and pick it up for me and bring it back.  My mother told me the next day that since she hadn't been around him in a while, she had forgotten about this but now knows what I mean by him making you feel irritated.  She says he is a different individual who just can't seem to help himself and leaves you feeling irritated.

I liken him to this:  it is like having a constant pain that you can't seem to get rid of so you learn to live with it and over time, it has become such a natural part of your daily life you don't really notice that it is there...but your mind knows.  Then one day, miraculously, the pain is gone.  You know something is different but you don't really notice.  You just know that you are more relaxed and things are not so difficult.  THEN...suddenly, one day, that pain returns. What is this tightness in your chest...the knot in your stomach...the choking down a scream?  OH! Wow...I had forgotten what that feels like!

With his Monday return, he is not Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice anymore because, well...he has not changed and he could not pretend forever.  He is back to Mr. Grumble and Complain about everything.

I took Max to the dog groomer to get his nails clipped in anticipation of his trip to his new home in Kansas.  Max jumped up into the front seat beside me, like he used to.  Sitting there all big and important like my co-pilot.  I cried most of the way home from the dog groomers and feeling a deep pain of hatred towards Mr. Ex for bringing so much sorrow and change into my life.

I hadn't been home very long (Mr. Ex had gone out to lunch with our son) and Bethany came in from the hair salon.  She was on the phone with her bf.  When she hung up she said, "our August apartment is ready NOW.  We have to see it Thursday but if it is good, we can get started moving in...already."

I lost it.  Too many changes all at once.  I was preparing myself for her moving out, but not NOW.  It wasn't long before Mr. Ex and TJ came in the door. Bethany told her dad about moving out, he saw me in the family room cleaning something (that's what I do when I am upset) and started to say something to me.  I was holding a big scrub brush.  I looked at him and said, "you really do not want to be talking to me right now." and it came out sounding like a hiss!  He just turned on his heel and went back outside.

He and TJ and Bethany loaded the couch in the family room to take to TJ's.  I bought them a cover for it.  It was an extra and a steel frame couch.  The one they had was falling apart....very cheap.  I figure this way, they get a couch and I have one less thing to get rid of myself in anticipation of moving.    I had also found them this great coffee table that the top lifts up on it and locks into place like a table.  So, they loaded that into the back of Mr. Ex's truck too.  Then Bethany hopped into the truck with them and away they went.

I pulled myself together and went on a first date with a new guy.  He seems nice.  He seems to really like ME.  He trains and races horses (harness racing).  He loves his job.  Everyone should find something they like.  Not a swear word out of his mouth.  He even insisted on saying a prayer before our meal.  He likes to do just about anything.  He has a great, happy attitude about life.  Not a bad looking guy!  He looks a bit older than me but he is younger.  It is mainly the gray hair but he is not bad looking.  Before I left the restaurant, he wanted to lock down a date for Thursday night.  He will be leaving town for harness racing in KY for about a week but he wanted to get one more date in before he left.   So, we are going to a movie.

I remember doing one of those weird quizzes that mean nothing on FB a few months ago.  It was supposed to foretell what will happen in your life within the next year.  It told me I would have a new home and someone new in my life.  I am thinking I may have someone new in my life but I may not be moving. If he turns out to be someone pretty great, I will hang here.  My mother will be disappointed but she will learn to live with it.  BUT I am getting way ahead of the game.

My boss was going over our year end evaluations.  She sent me an email asking me if I was taking the Intervention Specialist classes because this is something I really want to do eventually (silly question?). She said, if I want, she can talk to Johna (head of the Special Ed department). I could possibly get a temporary IS cert. until I can get my actual license next spring and I could work for our school as an IS next year.  It wouldn't really be any more money but I would view it as paid on the job training.  I told her she could talk to Johna and see if it is a possibility...then I would make up my mind.  I really like the job I am doing BUT I miss being a teacher.  If I do this on the job training with OHVA, it would be a year's experience then I could get hired for way more money somewhere else.

God is really taking me out of my comfort zone.  I wanted  peace and calm and stability.  I am getting the opposite.  Everything is in turmoil right now.

And today...I have EOY school stuff to do to batten down the hatches and help Mr. Ex load up some stuff so he can get his butt out of here. There is NO WAY he could have fit everything he needed to take into the 6 ft. bed of his truck.  I told him that he needed to rent a trailer BECAUSE, and I looked him in the eye and said, "When you take off out of here, this is the last time.  You divorced me and I cannot have you around.  It is painful and not fair to ME.  I need you to realize that you have to be gone.  So, if you don't get what you want now, I am just going to get rid of it myself."  It clicked with him and he agreed to rent a trailer.  So, this is it.  Gone.  The final send off.  Maybe he will find himself a gf.  Make more of an effort.  Move on...like he wanted to.

Odd how he was the one that initiated the divorce yet he kept one foot in my door.  He has always been one of those ppl that could not fully commit to a decision.  I always had to do it.  It drives me crazy to waffle on the fence.  I will just jump on one side or the other realizing it may not be the best decision but it is a decision.  And I could always do damage control later if I have to but at least I committed to something.  He couldn't even commit to a marriage. His whole life is indecision.  To tell you the truth, I think he would get back with me if I was the one to say, "We are going to work on this and put this back together."  And if you look at it, I was the one that really pulled the trigger on the divorce.  He said he wanted it but was not really doing anything about it.  I got the lawyer, got the papers drawn up, negotiated it out with him and set the court date and even picked his butt up at the hotel and took him to the courthouse.  If I had not done that, we may still be married.  And now, I have made the decision for him to leave out of here and not come back.  I have dealt with it in my own mind and while it will be different living without that pain in my arse, I will darned well get used to it because I have made a decision...a final decision...the gavel has come down and made it official.  Take his Grumbling and Complaining butt back to Kansas where he can do what he wants, when he wants and never have to worry about someone else messing it up.

oy.

Finding the Measuring Stick

My son came last Thursday and had lunch with me.  He also brought stuff for the garage sale.  I had him sort through some things in the basement that he had left behind.

He was overly stressed and let out a whole string of frustrations..with things going on with life issues, with Brit, etc.  I am sorry to say I was more able to give him encouragement and advice in how to maybe deal with the life issues that were happening but I was not so encouraging about Brit and his relationship.

This morning I turned on the TV and was looking for a good sermon.  I was going to visit a new church this morning, since the one I used to attend is dying.  It is so sad.  BUT my back is hurting and stiff this morning so I am sitting in the chair with the heat pad.   I am hoping to go to the evening service at the new church.  This is another thing that interested me in the new church...Sunday evening services.  They have Wednesday evening bible study also, if I want to do that too.  Not too many churches do more than the Sunday morning service anymore.

I saw the Jim and Karen Evans "MarrigeToday" sermon.  I had heard them AFTER my marriage ended.  It struck me that neither TJ nor Brit had a good example of marriage before them.  Her parents were both messed up...her dad was an alcoholic (who not too long ago was saved and has been alcohol free since) and her mom is just a nut job with a weird 2nd marriage.  And TJ's dad and I did everything wrong.  I turned the marriage into a business relationship because of the example set before me by my parents and because he never knew how to be a mature husband...he pursued his own desires and never really became a husband.  

So, I am ordering them the DVD copy of "Emotionally Healthy Marriage" because they like to sit and watch movies, etc. together and this would be an excellent thing for them to do together.  Then I am going to pray about it.   This DVD series will not help if they do not have the mind set of wanting to change and make things better.  A crappy marriage is not good for anyone.  Divorce is not a fun thing to go through.  Brit may not be my favorite person but I am not the one that is married to her...I am not the one that has to make it work with her.  I love my son and I want him to be happy.

On another note...my eye surgery has been scheduled for June 15.  If I did it earlier I would have to fill out a whole bunch of paperwork for my HR department.  I would miss the last 2 weeks of work.  I have way more than enough sick days to cover it but they would require FMLA paperwork anyway, along with disability paperwork...in case.  ugh.  Our vacation officially begins June 16.  Our conference in Kalahari is June 13 and 14.  When the scheduling nurse on the phone told me there was an opening on June 15 I said, PERFECT!  So, she scheduled it.  I will have to finish my last 2 weeks of my class ahead of time because I will not be allowed to be on my computer, read my phone, or read a book for 2 weeks.  (good by texting and social media...maybe it will create different habits for me).

I am busy clearing things out.  My garage is going to look like it has a whole lot more room.  I am emptying out my family room.  The flex steel couch that is out there will be going to TJ and Brit. They need a decent couch.  The one they have is breaking down (cheap thing) and I will not need this one anymore.  I have a cover on it and Max uses it to sleep on.  I bought a black couch cover for it (because they wanted a black couch) and when TJ's dad is here in a few weeks to see his mom and get Max to take to Kansas with him, he can take it to TJ's in the back of his truck (he already agreed to it) and then he can take TJ's old couch with him back to Kansas with him because he needed something like that to put in his bedroom for Max to sleep on.  I get rid of furniture I don't need, TJ and Brit get a good couch, and Max gets a couch to sleep on when he gets to his new home.  WIN...WIN...WIN!!!

I sold the old retro end stands and coffee table in the family room.  I have always hated them but they were useful for a while.  We had a room that needed furniture and my mom needed to get rid of her old furniture.  I like how things go around.  I also sold my old antique china cabinet.  My parents got it for me at a storage auction way back when Douche and I moved into our first home...over 25 years ago.  It has moved from place to place with us and I didn't want to move it again.  Some woman at the garage sale yesterday told me that the cabinet is worth more than I sold it for.  Here is my way of looking at it...it is worth only what people are willing to pay for it.  I wanted to sell it and I did.
I also have a huge mess of Currier and Ives I need to get rid of.  I will have to advertise it.

There is so much junk in my basement.  I can haul some out for the trash and some has to go to specialized refuse places (electronics, toxic waste, etc).  But I will work on it throughout the summer.  This house is going to get down to the empty before I have to start packing to move myself.

Today is a great day to work outside so I will.  Mowing, weeding, mulching.  Looking forward to making it pretty.  The flowering bushes have gotten so very large because of the mild winter.  I have decided what i am going to do to fill in a few empty spots that I still have.  Things look pretty good but I need to finish it off.  Sad that I will not be here to enjoy it over the years.

I have joined a new Meetup group.  Part of the group meets at a local sports bar and grill on Wednesday nights for Trivia.  I am looking forward to that and I hope it turns out well.  There is a large bunch of women from the group that have signed up for a 3-4 hour canoe trip beginning of June and I jumped in on that!  I have been wanting to do this and...yay!  I also signed up to join them at our City park for a music festival.  I am just looking for fun things to do and meet new people.  Life has been dull and I am feeling lonely.  This is not my life.

They say someone will show up when you quit looking.  So...maybe...because right now what I am concentrating on is clearing out, and finding a GROUP of people that I can do things with...enjoy my life.  I have a long way to go and I refuse to go down less than happy.

The Eyes Have It

I got a flyer in the mail from the local Medical Center announcing free Stroke Screening.  Something made me give it some thought and then I called and set up my appt.  Not sure I need it but at my age, it won't hurt.  My father and my older sister both have high blood pressure and my father has blood clot problems.  I have always had good cholesterol levels and my mother's low-end-of -the-spectrum blood pressure but it never hurts to be checked.

I went to the Retinal Specialist this morning to check on getting my eye surgery.  He said that things are worse from when he first examined me and it is good that I am going for the eye surgery now because it is pulling my retina from my eye and if I wait much longer, the surgery will have little chance of helping my eye sight.  As it is now, it is an 85% chance of helping my eye sight.  But I have made up my mind that God is going to make sure I am in that 85%.  Prayer will help.

I came out of there being angry at the ex.  If he had been a REAL man...if he had been that guy that considered me worth anything...I would not be doing this on my own and having to borrow money from my parents to pay for this.  I do not know, yet, what it is going to cost me but I am pretty sure I can't afford my part once the hospitalization is done.

But, my anger is done.  What is over is over.  I will get through this.  And I will move on.  It is what it is.

My older neighbor, Phyllis the Piano Lady, died the beginning of this week.  Her cancer came back and within 2 months, it was over.  She had a crappy first marriage...stayed with it until her sons were out of school. Then she was alone for many years.  Found her current husband Dave and was married to him for the last 4 years. She told him that these last 4 years were the happiest of her life.  I am happy she had him there with her so that she did not have to endure it alone.

I have hope that God will bring me someone, not too far down the road, so that I can have some of the happiest years of my life.  Although, really...raising my kids and spending my days with them, was pretty happy and wonderful.

Planting the Flowers, Bushes and My Feet

So I heard back from my instructor.  Seems she got my point and changed my grade to an 'A'.  She could see that I did fulfill the points on the rubric.  Her rubric is what I challenged.  And since she had not actually made any distinction as to WHAT constituted points or loss of points, and since I followed the instructions, she couldn't actually deduct points.

I have to see the Retina Specialist next Friday morning and see what it will entail to get the scar tissue removed from the back of my eye.  I would like to see clearly again.  I hope it will not incur a long healing period.  If my medical and vision insurance will cover most of the cost, I will schedule it for right after my school year (job) is done mid June. That will give me 6 weeks until I have to start again.  I still have classes to take.  The college is thinking of offering the Phonics class I still need to take the test for my IS license this summer.  If they don't, I will have to wait until next Spring.  Then I will need to take 2 tests to get my license instead of one because the parameters will change in September.

I am getting rather tired of fixing things.  I not only have to replace my garbage disposal, my fridge is leaking from underneath.  It is still under warranty so I got a service appointment but I have to wait a week.  The service person told me it could be a clogged water filter and advised I remove it and see if that takes care of my issues.  So, I have done that and we shall see.  I hope that is all it is.  I did order a new one 3 weeks ago and have not seen it.  I have to call Amazon now and see if I can find out what the issue is.

Still working on the yard.  I am not going at it as aggressively as I had intended.

I AM losing weight still.  I stalled for a bit but now I am down almost 10 pounds.  The doctor expects me to lose one pound per day.  I am not seeing that happen unless I get out and take a walk every day OR put some time in on my gazelle.

Well...time to be more productive.  I have weeds to pull, homeowork to finish, screens to put new screening into...sunroom to clean...garbage disposal to replace...and no, I will not do it all in one day.  Just by Monday...I hope.

How to be an Arrogant Prick

I got a 'C' on my last project.  C!!!  The rubric said to interview a high school student that has been on an IEP for quite a few years and had to go through the transition plans.  Then to share it in any manner we choose with our classmates in a professional manner and 'reflect' on the interview and answers.  That is ALL it said.

My course instructor told me that since the 'reflection' was 1/3 of the grade she expected that it would be more and she was disappointed that my Power Point (how I chose to share) was all of 5 slides long.

As you can imagine...this did NOT sit well with me.

This is an instructor with a DOCTORATE that is presenting a class on learning disabilities and how to reach students with different learning styles.  There is an irony here.

I copied her project instructions and inserted them in an email where I pointed out that she had not elaborated on any expectations.  I let her know that because of MY learning style and the way I process information, I took her instructions at face value.  If there was to be more specific instruction, it needed to be included. Given her pan of my Student Interview, I would be reworking  my Parent Interview before I submit it.

And I did.  I gave her a lovely introduction and a very long, indepth reflection including a reminder of student learning styles and that it does not change for adults.

I do not know what grade she will give me for that but...it is what it is.  I am disgusted with people that say one thing and do another.  Especially those with a 'Dr.' in front of their name.

I am not an idiot.  I do my job very well.  I am an extremely empathetic person and I get different learning styles and I can work with it...and I do.  Take that doctorate and stuff it up your butt lady.

On another subject... I want someone to say 'I love you' to and hear him say it back...and mean it.

The Great Outdoors

I look out the window, put the window up, breathe in the outdoors...and I never get there.
There is so much indoor stuff to do.

I am excited over my spring break from my job.  I will get to go into the outside.

I have lawn to mow, sidewalks to edge, mulch to spread, weeds to pull, and bushes and pansies to plant.  

Pansies look so happy!

On a happy note...I have hit my first weight loss goal.  It wasn't a big goal, the first one.  But all of my goals will be 10 pounds at a time.