Everyday Thankfulness

I end my day with prayer.  I START my prayer with thanking God for working things out for me and for the job I have.  It was painful.  But in order for my life to be rebuilt and better, it had to be ripped apart.  God had to rip it up in order to get me to where I should be.

I am thankful that perhaps I am stubborn, determined...whatever you want to call it.

I went to the dinner theater last night with my fellow divorcee, Jean.  She is a speech therapist for a local school system.  We were talking about moving on with our lives, being ready for any other relationships.  Jean told me before I move on I need to learn to like me first.  I told her I am happy with who I am. She laughed.  I said that really I am happy with my personality and the person that I am.

Once I understood that Darkness is a narcissist and what that meant...what it had done to me...I was able to begin the healing.  I just needed something to make sense to me.  Then I needed to reconnect with myself.

I may not be the smartest person on earth but I am not without intelligence.  I am kind and caring and loyal (your basic pet dog...LOL).  I am an empath and I don't mind.  I am determined to do things myself.  I am fiercely independent.  I like to figure things out myself.  It is just who I am...I am my parents' daughter.

My independence does not get in the way of me being willing to share.  It MAY get in the way of me trusting sometimes.  I also do not get attached to anyone or anything much.  I got attached to the life I had and it was not a good thing.  I got attached because, as Jean said, we were slowly brainwashed into believing it was normal.  We did not understand that there was never anything we could do or say that would make it okay.

But, I am okay with me.  I need to work on the outside.  Jean said not to do it to impress anyone.  But I am not working on me for anyone but me.  I look in the mirror and my extra weight just reminds me how I gave up myself to take care of someone else that didn't deserve it.  I need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with how I took care of myself.

I want to look in the mirror and see ME on the outside the way I am seeing ME on the inside.

I am 55 but my life is not over yet.