I Am the Volcano

All these years and all of this time spent dancing around everyone else...trying to understand everyone else...making excuses...trying to 'fix' other ppl's problems.  All of that to avoid ME.

I avoid thinkiing about things that happened to me in the past and dealing with the emotional/mental backlash.  It deepened my anxiety...it drove me first to anorexia (control...needed to feel in control of what happened to me) and when anorexia didn't work...I ate.  And ate.  I guess the key was to bury my feelings and thoughts and make myself as unattractive as I could. 

But...you know....I realized that I don't want to be killing myself.  I found that people still like me and, after going to that stupid class reunion, I also found that guys still hit on me.  Why?  I have no freakin' clue.  I think THOSE guys hit on me becuz they have some 30 year old image of me from HS and can't see the reality.  They know I was a 'good girl' in HS but I'm older now and becuz they all are feeling their mid-life crisis then surely I must be too and the 'good girl' thing is blown cuz...well...after all...I have kids.

So...I want to feel good about looking at myself in the mirror.  I want to be the REAL me...screw my head on straight...walk straight and don't deviate.  Live by the code that got me through school and other parts of my life as safely and un-anxious as possible: "If you step out of line JUST ONCE, you will get caught.  Do the right thing and you have nothing to worry about."

I ran all over that map and now it is time to be a logical, rational person...with a weird sense of humor. 

Time to strip off this armor of 'extra me'.  Which I am working at...the right way.  Slowly but surely.  Altho, I am kinda wishing the 'slowly' part wasn't quite so slowly.

I have to quit blaming myself for everything that happened to me in the past.  Sure, maybe some of it could have been avoided...maybe not.  I trusted way more than I should have.  But that is part of who I am.  I give ppl the benefit of the doubt.  I just don't trust EVERYONE like I used to...and I might check somethings out more than I used to...but that is only using some common sense.

Hey...live and learn.  If you don't learn, you can't live.