The Little World

I have a faith.  A Faith in not only a 'Higher Being' but a belief in God.  I believe that He has created everything and is omnipotent.  I believe I can pray/talk to Him and He will answer me...on a need to know basis.  OR He will work things out...not always the way YOU want it to, but what ends up being the best thing that affects not just YOU but the other ppl that would be impacted by it all. 

Blind faith.  It is as much a part of me as my eye color.  I don't go around shoving my beliefs down other ppl's throats.  If someone asks, I share MY beliefs and WHY I believe that way.  I am a CHRISTIAN because I believe Jesus was the son of God...not some long-haired, sandal wearing pre-cursor to '70's hippie nuts (they don't grow on trees). 

So, from there....my mind works like someone that is continuously trying to figure out the mysteries of the rubiks cube.  I pray about things and just pray for the situation to be 'fixed' and for understanding.  But it is hard for anything to get through to me since my mind is already trying to figure out the next move and find the answers on its own.

I have complained to my mother on numerous occassions that God always seems to drop the things I dislike the most in my lap.  However, I take it and go on with it and in the end it all has turned me into a more tolerant, understanding person. 

That all leads to this...I have not, so far, gotten a teaching job with an online school.  It would be, in MY estimation, the best fit for me.  It would be insulary...not much contact with ppl in person, I wouldn't have to leave my nice little world and there would not be terrible discipline problems to deal with.  I have been praying to God telling Him I know He will point me in the right direction for me to take.

This morning I woke up, let the dogs outside, made my coffee and sat down thinking about my kids and their journey with anxiety and the coming school year for both of them.  I also was thinking about my husband and his weeks of travel and how it has come to the point where I actually get anxious and depressed when he is gone for more than 2-3 days at a time.  THEN it hit me...how my world over the years has shrunk and how it has become just this plot of land with a house on it.  I talk to some of the neighbors once in a while but to actually get out and join in things and be around ppl has become such a TASK...and I have dropped out of everything that would bring actual face-to-face contact.  Then DING!  I get it...I HAVE to be pried out of my nice, snuggly tiny little world before it swallows me whole. 

I don't like substitute teaching.  Believe it or not, it is not the time in the class that bothers me...it is the anxiety that leads up to it.  I get all anxious wondering if I am going to be called the next morning and if I am, where is it they are going to ask me to go/do?  I worked for a school system once (the one back home) where the one incharge of calling the substitutes would call me in advance when she knew teachers were going to be out and assign me ahead of time.  Then it got to a point where certain teachers just wanted me in their classrooms when they were gone so getting called at the last minute to be in a classroom that I was used to with a group of kids that was used to me was not so anxiety inducing. 

I have begun filling out the application for substitute teaching in the school district that I am living in now.  My son and I are still sharing a car but 3 out of the 5 school buildings in the area are within a 5-7 minute walking distance.  Hopefully, if I get enough work, I will have a vehicle of my own before the snow starts to fall.  My son doesn't have college classes until early evening anyway so if I had the car to sub at the high school he would have it back in more than enough time to get to his class.  If he is working at his part-time job on one of those days he could drop me off at my teaching assignment before he got to work (which is a 10-12 minute walk for him anyway) then he would be done about the same time I am and he could pick me up AND his sister as she gets off the bus from the Career Tech Center..which will let her off at the middle school, anyway, which is one of those schools that is a 5-7 minute walk from home.  The only day that the car would not be available for me is Monday when jr. has classes from noon until after 7. 

This could be a good thing for me.  Substitute teaching doesn't pay all that great and there aren't any benefits...but luckily I don't need the benefits since I have them through my husband's employer AND I don't need to live off of the substitute pay.  I just need to make a car payment, pay off my Penneys charge, and pay my cell phone bill.  Anything else would go into the vacation fund.   And perhaps the whole thing will help me not be so anxiety riddled over joining back up with some of the things I have pulled myself out of over time. 

I know some ppl would tell me the thoughts I had were just my subconscious coming to some conclusions that it could finally shoot to my conscious mind.  And if that is what blows your skirt up...you are certainly entitled to your opinion.  However, I do not believe that.  I believe my mind stopped long enough to listen and God was finally able to give me an answer as to WHY I have not been hired for an online teaching job. 

I also believe in the Rapture..and for those that don't and think it is something that was invented by religious leaders that just wanted to scare ppl...that is for YOU to believe and don't dare to refer to me and my beliefs as stupid and ignorant, etc.  I look at it this way...if I am making myself ready for the Rapture and it doesn't happen the worst that will happen is that I have become a better person/better Christian.  If there IS a Rapture and YOU are not ready for it, I get to go to Heaven and you get to struggle with the aftermath. And that's how I see it...in my little world.