Excuse Me but You Have a Grudge Hanging...

RE:  Last post:  In Addition To...

I was discussing things with a friend.  One that has been on many sides of the box...in, out, under, on top, etc.  A friend with a level head and doesn't mind turning a mirror on me. 

I may not appreciate some comments or looking at my reflection at the time, but I try really hard not to get too defensive and argumentative.  I try not to get angry and feel hurt.  I look at it one of two ways: 1) either the person really doesn't know the whole story of many years in the making, all the drama that goes with it, and I just ignore what they say to me without malice, OR, 2) the person is being a REAL friend and trying to help me through a situation that they know the whole story about and aren't afraid to be REAL with me.  I can take it.

So here's the thing....my son was wrong.  I am not saying the whole thing was his fault or that he was ALL wrong.  He had been already having a bad time that day, that he had not thus far shared with us, AND Dad had been reading him the riot act for 3-4 days in a row...his anxiety level just burst and he went off.  I can get that to a certain extent.  However, he was the one that said a lot A LOT of things that just shocked the stuffing out of me and he kept pushing his dad's buttons and pushing and Dad WAS really really trying to keep himself under control.  Jr. was the one that started hitting...until Dad grabbed him by the throat and put him up against a wall.  He let go right away. 

They apologized to each other later...like it really changed anything.  However, I was the one caught in the crossfire.  Troy wouldn't speak to me hardly for 2 days.  He said he was angry at me for not backing him up...not taking Jr. off and settling him down. 

At first that really burned me up.  After all, I didn't start it, I didn't engage in it...but...I am the mom.  And Jr. is a kid.  A 20 year old kid...but a kid.  Who lives under our roof.  Troy has been trying to be better.  Maybe I think he should try harder BUT he perhaps is trying as hard as he can.  I should be doing more about Jr...and I should not leave Troy out there to hang on his own, either.

I realized something else that isn't so pretty about me.  I still carry a lot of hurt and anger over what he has put us through on various occassions.  I still hold it against him for leaving me on MY own...not sticking up for me with his 'buddies' early in our marriage, picking time with his friends over time with us, etc.  I am still holding on to that grudge.  I can never heal if I continue to hang on to it. 

People have often asked if a couple/relationship can ever truly heal after certain kinds of hurt.  The irony is...I'm not sure we ever had a REAL relationship.  So, the only place ours has to go is to get better...or just leave it in a heap and walk away. 

I traveled to Wichita and back with Troy these last few days.  Stood by him as he faced whatever punishment was coming his way from the DUI.  He did well.  His punishment is all of our punishment since it will take money from the family budget for the next 3 months.  But it will not go on his record.  He can argue that it is technically HIS money since HE earned it...but it is the money that is used to pay bills and buy groceries, etc.  And I will manage, somehow.  I usually do....with lots of help from God.

After the trip...all those hours in the car...being nearly run off the road 4-5 times by semi's that really don't give a honk if you are in the lane they want to be in NOW...putting up with drivers with a one track mind or no mind at all...I have a whole new perspective of what he goes through and puts up with.

I could whine that it is always me putting myself in everyone else's shoes to understand what they feel like...yet I don't seem to get the same back.  BUT, 1) whining does no good, 2) not everyone is made like me.  This is who I am.  And I need to kick my son's butt more and figure out how to let go of a grudge.