Toxins

I have not gotten to downloading pictures, yet.  There was too much 'real life' that I left behind when I went on the trip and it was all waiting for me as soon as I got back. 

It was a good thing, really, that I had the week to be gone.  My husband needed time to decompress and wrestle with things.  He said it would be better if I wasn't around cuz he would just drive us both nuts.  The kids basically stayed out of his way.  They are good at hiding.  I hardly ever see them.  Troy says, "I know they live here, that they are down in those bedrooms cuz food and drinks keep disappearing from the kitchen."  I also do an awful lot of laundry that doesn't belong to either Troy or me!  LOL

I turned in my shirt and name tag at the convenience store today.  Aaron said I could continue to work weekends there if I want but he wanted a commitment of time from me.  I told him that, in all fairness, I could not really do that.  I had thought it through and, even though my mother and Troy had told me I probably should table the whole school thing and try to get in fulltime at DP&L, I had decided that I was NOT going to give up the college classes and, if given an opportunity to work fulltime at DP&L I would not turn it down either.  I do believe the college classes will be the pivotal point in me getting a good paying job...one that will be able to support me in a decent manner.  AND given all of that, I really didn't see how I could work 7 days a week and still do my classes justice.  Something was going to have to give.  I shook Aaron's hand, thanked him for the job and making it so enjoyable.

As for Troy, I understand what he's going through.  It was totally shitty.  He has fessed up to other things that I already knew.  I feel like saying, "You walk around here telling everyone else what they are doing wrong, how they should do it and what is wrong with them BUT you never hold yourself to the same standard!" but I won't go there.  It will not help the situation and there are so many things wrong now that it would serve no purpose to throw more crap on the pile.

He said it is time he grows up.  To that I could only think "Amen"  In his mind supporting your family meant you were a grown up.  While that is most admirable, it is only one piece of the pie.  I have had my immature/ill conceived moments myself.  I could give excuses for it but none of that matters.  In the end, stupid is stupid...no matter what the reasons or excuses.

I spent the night before we left on the trip sleeping in my old room at my parents...but not sleeping.  I allowed myself a moment to take it all in, and cry.  Then I was done.  I cannot afford to think about any of it and panic.  If I feel myself starting to get panicked I pray.  And I calm down.  God will take care of it and in whatever fashion He feels best for whatever reasons, we will hang on and ride it out and it will work.

This time, however, I feel like it will be a make it or break it moment for this family.  The kids are grown, Bethany is graduating this year, and I could find a way to take care of myself and the dogs and help the kids find their way.  We have discussed options about their further education.

It is not Troy being out of work...it is how he handles being out of work.  I simply cannot keep following him around kicking his butt and making sure he stays on the right track and not go off on a self-destructive field trip again.  As I said in a previous post, he has always been somewhat disconnected from us anyway.  He has always done his own thing off in his own corner and every once in a while he will look over and say, "oh yeah...you guys....what's going on with you?"  It took him the first 10 years of our daughter's life before he could remember when her birthday is. 

If he wants to know where I am working starting next week, he can ask our neighbor Derek, since he and I will be working at the same place.  I would try to conserve gas and do my part for the carbon foot print but I won't ride to work with Derek.  Troy says he thinks Derek has a thing for me...I disagree but since Troy thinks that and I get the idea that Derek's wife Barb thinks that...Derek and I riding in the same vehicle to and from work every day is a big NO!

All I know is this week I have to concentrate and getting our daughter ready for school (she starts the day after I start my new job...and she will graduate in May!) and getting Troy set up with an updated resume, a LinkedIn acct, and off and running with his job hunt.  I know he dreads it...who likes it?  but he needs to start moving forward.  The longer you wallow the harder it is to get up.  I know this by personal experience. 

I also have the shutters to finish and get hung along with the paint on the garage door.   There is a little gardening to do (weed patrol) but that is pretty much good.

We got new neighbors across the road in Corky and Becky's house.  They have a toddler, a baby, and another one on the way plus 2 boxers.  Good thing that house has 4 bedrooms!  AND the evil neighbors behind us had a moving truck backed up there.  Troy got all excited but I told him I was sure it was just her parents moving out.  They moved in with them last year at this time for some reason and now they have moved back out.

Also, while I was away, I was in constant txt contact with TJ.  He was undergoing tests becuz he was slightly jaundiced looking and he was having constant stomach pains so bad that he could hardly eat anything.  He had dropped another 5 pounds in 2 weeks and he his jean shorts were falling off (he always wore them to fit...not that bagging trend).  Blood tests and scans.  Today they finally got back to him and said his blood work was all good but his scan showed what they thought was one of two things: 1) bowel blockages, OR 2) kidney stones.  considering his symptoms they are more inclined to think it is the first one.  I tend to agree.  His liver is slightly enlarged becuz of all the toxins it is having to deal with becuz of the blockages.  They are going to try dosing him with miralax and stool softeners first to see if it dislodges it.  I know it SOUNDS funny for anyone reading this but it is painful and poisonous to the system.  He had this happen many years ago right after his dad went off the deep end and then came crawling back home asking for my help.  Then TJ's health took a turn for the worse like this.  He ended up having to have his appendicts removed, too, becuz they got enflamed from all the toxins.  We are not sure how this happens...what is causing it.  But if they can't get things cleared up quickly he may have to have surgery.  I told him he really needs to quit drinking so much soda.  Perhaps the amount of sodium he takes in from that is making it worse.  I don't know...I'm grasping at straws.

I just know that it always seems when things go horribly wrong for/with my husband, TJ's health takes a down turn.  I never have just one thing to deal with at a time. 

And now...