It's the Little Things

My kids know that mom not only has been there to help with some large issues but she pays attention to the little things.  When I went to visit my son and DIL for a few days, once, I took a box of paper  goods and cleaning supplies.  I know when money is tight, the first thing you do is pay the bills then buy food.  Cleaning supplies and paper goods make it to the end of the list.  I brought paper towels, tissues, napkins, toilet tissue, and lysol products.  My DIL looked confused and I asked her, "are you running low on this stuff...or just out of it?"  "well...yes."  "AND it costs money...it adds up.  Wouldn't you rather use that money to buy food?"  This look of understanding came over her face and she laughed and said, "yeah!  I get it."

When my daughter passed her Pharmacy Tech licensing exams, I know she had been working hard to help her boyfriend make ends meet and had scrimped on the things she loved.  I sent her a Sephora gift card.  She was thrilled because she had not been able to afford to replenish her foundation.  She was all about the makeup at that time.  Of course since, she has adopted a more light dab of face powder.  Her emphasis is on her eyes and eye brows.  But at the time, the idea that I thought of her WANTS in that way made an impact.

I remembered that stuff this morning because I realized I have learned that from my mother.  I miscalculated and have run out of tissues.  (note to self: while the smaller, cube-like boxes of tissues may fit better on table and stands, they run out a lot quicker)  I have sinus and allergy issues so I go through a lot of tissues. This morning, I knew I was in trouble. And while I am the only one in the house and I COULD walk around with a roll of toilet tissue, it did not appeal to me.  One of the presents my mother gave all of us girls was this red woven and metal sleigh.  She filled it with things like pocket pack tissues, sample sized lotions, purse size hand sanitizer, small packs of breath mints and candies.  So, those pocket pack tissues are coming in handy this morning until I get dressed and meander on down the road to  the Family Dollar store.  It's the little things.

Just like working on math with my students.  I have worked, not only on math, but note taking skills.  I also have worked with them doing a lot of repetition and chunking things into smaller pieces.  It is what they need.  I connect what they were being taught in September to what they are doing now.  The math teacher seems to be skipping right over those steps.  WHY?  I interrupted her on Thursday to do a quick 'share' where I showed the students how the vocabulary and concepts were something they needed to accomplish/understand the geometry and equations they were doing now.  WHY is she not doing that?  She gets so frustrated with them yet she is not helping.

Also, another 'little' thing...the neighbor's truck.  He has a big, loud, diesel truck that he starts every morning.  He used to start it and let it sit idling in his drive for half an hour every morning.  He started it between 6:30  and 7 a.m. every morning.  During the week it is not that big of a deal because I am up already.  But on Saturday and Sunday I TRY to sleep in.   That is an irritation.  I want to shoot it.  Lately, he has been starting it and it doesn't idle any longer than 10 minutes before it goes off loudly down the road.  My brother's truck has that loud exhaust system on it too.  I'll bet his neighbors love him just as much.  I am not understanding the purpose of the loud exhaust system.  I used to own a little 2 seater sports car with a dual exhaust that made it sound like a box full of angry bees.  I had it taken off and replaced with a nice, quiet single pipe.  My dad laughed at me and told me I ruined the car. I told him that now I could hear my radio without deafening myself. 

It's the little things.

My son's interview went really well yesterday.  They told him they feel he will be a good fit for their day shift data entry position.  They sent him more forms to fill out.  Let's pray it is not a little thing that keeps him from getting the job.

And my almost-son-in-law had texted me that my daughter was going to call me about their plans this weekend.  I asked him when she was going to call me.  He said probably Saturday.  I asked him what they were doing this weekend, as I was not sure why I needed to know anything about their weekend plans.  He said, "I don't know....maybe do some reading."  I thought about this and the fact that he had earlier asked me about realtors in my area.  Then I dawned on me.  I replied, "So you meant she is going to call me this weekend to tell me about your plans...not that she is going to call me to tell me about your plans this weekend."  He did not reply.  It's the little things.

The Slow Death

     Debbie P had the day off from work yesterday.  She lays in wait for when I have a break. She yapped through my lunch hour. Then she texted me at 3 to find out if I was 'off duty' (as she put it). 
She does not realize that I usually work until 5...sometimes longer.  I told her I was doing parent calls.  But they weren't answering and I had to leave VMs.  She was thrilled and said she was on her way to get me. WE were going to Walmart.

     HOW exciting! *head whack* I still had work to do but I had been stuck at the computer since 6 a.m. and just needed to move.  I figured it would be quick. She said, "I am wearing sweats and no make up. "  Well, I had on jeans, a waffle weave henley and some face powder and mascara. My hair was doing a nice thing and all I had to do was run a brush through it.  Snow boots and my speckled pea coat and I was a real babe. Babe the Pig that is.  bwahahaha.

    That was my first trip to a store with Debbie...and my last.  I HATE shopping. She meandered all over that store.  She had a very long list and she spent even more time checking out any middle aged un-ringed male.  *head whack*  She even pointed out a few that looked like something I would be interested in. 

     She and I still managed to give the workers a laugh.  I was just glad to get home.  But I was so totally WORN OUT!

     I put some stuff on our middle school teacher facebook page and our Principal, Laura the Nut, decided that I am now one of her favorites.  They were just goofy joke things.  Not even that great but apparently she thinks I am snarky like her.  Hey...I wouldn't turn my back on her BUT she is someone you would be glad is on YOUR side.  So, I will roll with it.  *shrug*

    One of the mom's I spoke to today told me about taking pills for her thyroid because she has hypothyroidism and said, 'you don't want to mess with that.  Dying from that is a very slow, unpleasant death...which will happen if you don't get it treated."  yay. 

     I am pretty sure that is what has happened to me.  I have half of one.  Each year it gets a little worse.  Now I can barely move. I need an endocrinologist. However, I can't afford it right now.  So, just hold on.

     Bright side today: my son has a phone interview for a job that would be a really great one.  Right now he is working a 5 week contract IT job.  I will go down and help him pack the truck, and, if he doesn't get this job he is interviewing for on Friday, he has an insurance company job to work at in the meantime. 

ReImagined

     I did not do any of my school work this weekend.  I was busy doing nothing.  I did laundry and cleared out my kitchen.  Other than that, I sat and watched the weather.

     I had a moment and  texted a little with my son yesterday.  I told him to consider how he communicates...how SHE communicates.  He did consider it.  He asked me why I was bringing it up, and I told him it is because of his dad and I and our marriage.  It was not all doomed due to bad communication but it is a problem.  And not just my marriage or any marriages. Communication is a problem.
 
     I get upset when I say something and it is an all encompassing statement with no timeline and the person that I say it to applies it to a finite instance.  My ex was that kind of person.  I have other friends  that are that way...more than I realized until lately.  Today was one of those days.  I just did a head slap.  I did the eye brow raise/furrow, head slap, eye roll, groan.  Then I decided to just make note of those that limited my statement so that I would not do generalities with them.  It is all in how one thinks.  If I do not want to create more work for myself, I have to decide what I communicate and to whom.
 
     I know communication is the biggest piece of that marriage decision.  Honesty...and not just with each other. If they can't be honest with themselves (she with herself, him with himself) then how are they going to be honest with each other?   My son has TRIED to change his communication approach but she has already decided that everything he says is an attack.   I am not sure if they can come back from that.  My best advice to him was to think it all through and be honest about whether or not he REALLY feels that they can fix what is not working.  He is feeling overwhelmed. 

     He said that he is going to move in with her and her parents for a bit once this 3 week contract job is up.  He is going to work the next job and save money but if they do not seem like it is getting any better then he will take the money he has saved and get out...whether it is up here or his own place in that vicinity he will decide at that time. 

     I can understand that.  He is just trying to make sure it is not able to work at all.  No one wants to walk away if they have any doubts left.   I told him that he will know what he needs to do but I just ask that he really consider all of his options and possible scenarios and pick those that he feels he can live the best with.

     I know I ended that last sentence inappropriately but I am tired.  I spend all day on my work computer writing progress reports for my students. They are due to the parents this Friday.  I have one left to complete.  I have set a deadline to send them out for Wednesday.  Then I can use my Thursday afternoon and Friday to communicate with parents and dig into the pile of IEPs that I have to get written over the next 5 weeks.  I will be done with them by the time I have to help my son  pack and move.  It will be a tough work schedule because I have 9 IEPs to write and 6 of them are renewals that I have to include data from working with them for a semester.  There goes my weekends!

   

Puny

     My son called me yesterday...twice.  Long diatribes.  Although I think 'diatribe' may sound a little harsh.  He came to a conclusion about his marriage...he needs to get out of it.  He also feels he needed to have never been in it.

    I gave him what I could in support yet trying to let him know that I know it is a difficult decision and will take courage to walk away.   He is not exactly sure where he is going to land.  I told him it will take him some time to figure it out.  I know his biggest concern is having a job.  So I sent him a few job openings up here...both of which pay better than what I am making.  Maybe I should apply for them myself?  *head slap*

     I called my mom in the afternoon and her voice sounded so puny...tired..defeated.  She said she WAS feeling worn out and tired of the life out there...that things are so difficult and people are mean.

     Susan has a close friend whose daughter is expecting her first child.  Susan's friend has stage 4 terminal cancer and is fighting to hang on. The hospital sent her home...where her husband is also dying from cancer. 

     My mom's pastor, Mike...whom I went to school with...he graduated the year before me...had a young son who died a long, painful death from cancer and the hospitals and doctors were so less than human because of insurance.  And HIS friend...and my cousin...Burton who had a son with encephalitis and died at the age of 12...the suffering.  Mike and Burton are both staunch Christians. Through everything they never gave up.

   My son does a lot of work with his church.  He reads his bible...he believes.  And his life has fallen apart. 

   I can't give up my faith, either.  However, I wonder....why?  What is the point of it all?

   And that is where my mom was yesterday afternoon. 

    I look around me and realize that I am blessed.  There were very hard places at times but nothing like dealing with the suffering and death of a child.

    And I sit here...looking out the window at a scene that looks like someone took a picture and put the black and white filter on it.  But it is just that way without the filter.  Soooo many shades of gray with a rain of white dots floating from the sky.  A blanket of white covering up everything like it never existed.    But at some point, it will melt and all the bad places will reappear. 

Good Intentions/Bad Decisions

     I am a good person and fairly intelligent.  I am  a hard worker.  I have a kind heart.  But I also make bad decisions sometimes.  That means I am 'normal'. 

     I am still learning lessons.  I am learning how to step back from my ADULT offspring (there really needs to be a better word than 'children' once they pass a certain age) and let them drive their own wagon. 

     I have been wrangling with my son about his life and you know what?  He is going to do what he feels is best and he is going to try and do what he can for his life and I guess that just shows that I did raise him well.  He may not be making what I feel are the right decisions but it is his life and he needs to do what he needs to do for himself.  I raised him to be an adult and live his own life and that is what he is doing. 

    Living my own life is what I need to do also.  Debbie P and I have decided to kick each other's butts.  She said that she would come home from work and never leave her house until she had to go to work again.  We are trying to find a way to get together at least every 2 weeks.  I would do that with Susan but she has filled up her dance card with lots of things to do and places to go. Once her husband died, she got busy and found groups to join so that she would not be alone. I am starting out late and slow.  *sigh*

     God really is wonderful.  God landed us not too far from here, where I would meet up with one of my cousins again, and when Ex got hooked on his drugs and disappeared, my cousin brought us out to Eagleville Church where I made friends with Debbie B and Debbie P.  Here I am back so many years later, and we have kept in contact over the years...and they are there to pull me back in and give me support...and I can do that same for them.

     I still get to do things with Susan and I am hoping this year brings me a better paying job.  It would be great if Susan and I could do a quick vacay trip together.  Debbie and I can do one too but she is planning on taking some more classes and get her nursing Bachelor degree.  She may be a bit busy for that.

    When I said this was my year for ME, I was not kidding.

Support Garments

    I attended Celebrate Recovery.  The part I liked best was the message by Pastor Steve before we broke up into small groups. 

     I had had a discussion with my son earlier.  I felt badly and frustrated about it.  He began to complain to me about his dad's assessment of things and what he thinks our son should do.  Jr. got a surprise because I said, "I agree with your father.  You need to just walk away.  She is getting everything she wants and she does not care about you.  AND everything is falling apart there.  I really think God is stripping you down to the nubs because He is trying to get you to face reality and get out, start over...everything...your whole life."  I felt badly because I could hear the dejection in his voice.  I am frustrated because we have had this discussion over and over for the past 2 months.  I just want to show up with a moving truck, load him and his stuff up, hand her a 'good bye' letter and leave!  His dad even thinks he should come move back in with me until he can get his act together.  That says something right there!

     So, listening to Pastor Steve, I heard some things that sounded like what I had gone through but I kept thinking, "if only my son could be sitting here listening to this."

     Small group was sort of helpful.  It wasn't exactly what I expected.  It was more about what each has learned from their experiences and if they are moving forward.  Others gave some suggestions that may help.  It was not ex bashing or family bashing.  It was everyone realizing their part in how they got to where they were.  That was good to hear. 

     Starting back to  work has been a whirlwind...as usual.  I have my calendar of events filled up through the end of February, already.  I have started working ahead on some things so that it is more evenly spread out and I can have time for myself.

     My eating change is going well.  And I actually slept 8 hours straight last night.  That is a major thing right there!  I am still working on incorporating more movement in to my days.  Any extra is a plus for me. 

     I am trying to mentally prepare myself for having another person in the house.  I really do not see any other options for my son.  But it will be a lot to deal with.   He is a very deep feeling/emotional person and it will take a lot of me to support him.  However, I cannot let his situations derail me from taking care of me, either. 

    It is a real dance on the edge of that volcano.

Backing It Up and Taking Another Route

    I am not sure what it was that brought this all up in my head.  I was trying to get the coffee together this morning and get my shower before sitting down at my computer for my first day back to work.  I was filling in my calendar of things I have to do and I remembered the letter to the ex sitting on the bar in my kitchen.  I was thinking about when I could mail it. Then...something began to flutter in my head and...

     I am NOT mailing that letter!  I feel good that I wrote it and the kids read it and they are glad to see me putting it all behind me but...would he care?  Or, most importantly, would it matter?  He is a narcissist.  When the kids tell him what they think about something and it is to put him back in his place, he will always say that I turned them against him.  He will always think that I am heart broken about losing him and jealous of whomever he is with and that I am trying to break them up.  He thinks quite a lot of himself that way.  AND if I send him that letter, he may view it as an olive branch...that I want us to be 'friends' and it will give him the idea that the door is open and we are 'joined'. 

     Nope.  TJ agreed with me. Bethany said it could be true and it may not matter if I send it.  TJ said that if it made me feel good to write it, then just let that be it.  And I am.  Done.  No letter sent. 

    Susan told me to not just throw it away but burn it because it would feel better.  But, you know...I really do not have that knot of anger anymore.  I can throw it away and forget it.  Silence is the best option.  NOW I feel better. 

     I am trying not to feel too anxious.  My calendar for work is filling up fast and I had to plot out a plan and I will need to stick to it if things are all going to get done on time.  Progress reports, IEPs, class plans....at least the first week back is testing week so I have some extra time to work on some things.  By the end of the week they will be dumping newly enrolled students in our laps and my dance card is pretty full already. 

     I counted...52 SCHOOL days until Spring Break.  Then we have a week of school followed by 3 weeks of state testing.  After State Testing we have almost a month of what I like to refer to as 'no man's land'.  The teachers let up on the class time and lessons and I am working with kids to salvage their 2nd semester grade.  There's Middle school meetings and school outings.  It could be fun.

     I also will need to decide of I am putting my house up for sale and moving somewhere else.  I think I am going to apply to a brick and mortar school system up where Susan works.  I probably stand a rat's ass of a chance of getting hired only because brick and mortar school systems think that online teachers don't do anything except monitor whether or not students do their work. 

    To quote Ricky Gervais, "I don't care."

Let the Sun Shine In

    Now with the bombing in Iran, we must be even more  diligent in watching out for ourselves and our loved ones.  I am in agreement with the bombing but it also means we need to watch for retaliation.

     Having said that, I am feeling SO MUCH better with the beginning of this year.  It is the year of Taking Care of Me. 

     My son just secured a new job.  As he said, it is different than anything he has ever done but he went through a battery of interviews in a few days and they felt they saw in him what they needed.  He will be working with a marketing/advertising company.  They said they are going to groom and train him to be a badly needed regional manager.  I have a feeling this is not his 'forever job' but another step in God's plan.  However, he just needs to feel comfortable and able to learn and do it well.  They have a time line of one year of training and grooming.  They told him this is something that they used to take 5 years to do but they felt that he would be able to do it in a year.   I will continue to pray for him daily.

     In the mean time, his wife secured a new job, also. She will begin work with a new veterinary hospital. She is being trained as a veterinary surgery assistant.  She is thrilled!  No more night hours or weekends. My son will no longer be working night hours or weekends.  They will get to move to northern cincy/southern Dayton area, as they wanted.  It will be a shorter trip to visit me by about 45 minutes.  I am praying that perhaps these changes will help them as a couple.

     My son said the mother-in-law offered to let them move in with them for a few months while they get their financial situation  more stabilized and money gathered to put down for the townhouse they would like to live in.  My son said he really would not rather do that.  I gave him a smack and told him that it is a blessing that she offered and sometimes you need to do something uncomfortable for a bit in order to get things straightened out.  He quit complaining.

     I need to have a serious talk with Bethany and Jordan about them getting their lives together.  I can't keep paying for her phone and car insurance and her dad can't keep paying for her med insurance.  He is turning 26 in a few weeks which means his dad can't keep him on his med insurance anymore. 

     After listening to many messages on the same subject by different pastors, I felt led to do something.  My kids approved of the move and felt it was good, not only for me, but it made them feel better also.  I wrote a letter to their father.  I cleared the air, put everything to bed. There was no  accusations, no judgments, nothing negative.  It was to let him know I have no animosity,  am not trying to turn his kids against him, am not (nor will ever) try to come between him and anyone he is with...my life is mine, his is his.  The past happened and we both have much different expectations for our lives and it is best not to be in the orbits of each other's lives.  I told him I hope his life works out for him. That was it.  The kids read it, and they said it sounded very nice and final.  They found no problem with anything I said.  So, I sent it to my son to address and send on to his dad.  As I said, I do not remember his address.  And now I feel better.  My future no longer has baggage weighing it down.

    The second semester is going to be a whopper but I am planning things out so that I have time for something besides work.  I am working ahead on things a little.  That's all it takes....little bits.  It makes a big difference. 

   I am making effort to get out and face time with friends and family. I am also making weighted blankets for me AND Lucy.  ha ha!  I noticed she seems to relax and rest better if I cover her with a blanket and tuck it around her.  I have wondered if a weighted blanket would help ME sleep better.  So I am going to make blankets for us.  I think it will be a good thing.  I ordered the weight pellets and I have material I can use.  A new endeavor!  I am also working on a door decoration hanger for my front door using branches.  I hope it works out as I envision. 

    As I mentioned...this is the year of taking care of ME. 

Lost Baggage

It is curious how God works on me.  He has revealed things to me in phases.  He knows me, of course, and that I am a cerebral type and have to 'understand' everything...that there has to be a reasoning to it.

As I sat and listened to my son tell me about his father's behavior and things that his dad had shared about his life, a light bulb came on and I realized that I had been waiting for something.  I had been waiting all of this time for vindication.  I had been waiting for him to admit to his wrong doings and give me a REAL apology...not just one that he shoots out there to pacify me.  AND I realized with a major clarity that it would never happen.  What was TJ telling me that finally made me realize that?
It was the summation of it all...that his father has NEVER changed and will never change and why is that?  Because he has never seen a problem with his behavior/thinking. 

Once I embraced my 'aha' moment, a change in MY thinking started to happen.  God was telling me, "You have to let it go.  What you feel that you need will never happen."  It isn't news.  However, I was flawed in what I had always believed about him.  He really is not the person I had assumed he was.  And it wasn't just him.  It was something else that TJ said....about my family and how it interacts with others.  I had just never really realized. 

My family will sit and have conversations and does not draw anyone else in by putting the spotlight on them such as asking them questions about their lives.  For instance, they won't even ask a new family addition or friend, "What do you do or what are you interested in" etc.  I have gotten better with trying to reach out to others.  It isn't that we aren't interested but somehow in  our family history, the unspoken belief is that if you ask people a lot of questions about themselves you are prying and being 'nosey' and it is rude.  We have always believed that if someone wanted to share something with you about themselves, they will do it of their own accord.  It never occurred to me that this is perhaps off putting to others.  It is what I am used to.  It hasn't been until lately that I have made an effort to reach out to the people I care about to follow up on events in their lives or just to find out how they are doing.  No one has ever shared with me before that there was a difference. 

TJ pointed this out because he has noticed only because his dad's side of the family and his in-laws interact with him in a much different way then my side of the family. 

So...taking in all that he was saying, letting it swirl around in my brain, I was able to formulate a conclusion that led me to this: the whole divorce was a blessing and he and I were  just so different and expected a certain type of life that was not going to be able to come together. 

I know that sounds like something that I should have not just realized and I sort of got it before but it was like someone taking a fuzzy picture and bringing it into a crystal clear focus.   What is really sad is that he and I wasted 25 years of our lives trying to make oil and water mix. 

Can he realize he did not treat me right if he did not see anything wrong with his actions because it is what he had expected for his life?  It is my perspective...that he did not treat me right.

Don't get me wrong.  A Narcissist is a  narcissist.  However, my holding on to some grudge or anger is never going to change anything and it will only make my life continue in misery.

He no longer has a moral compass and does not have someone to stop him from making miscalculated decisions.  Because of that, he seems to have gotten himself into a bad place.  He also is sitting in a precarious health state and refuses to acknowledge it.  He mistreats his new female friend and she will take it and apologize to him.  None of that is my concern.  I feel a bit sad about it that he never did learn anything but it is not my problem anymore. 

I do know this...after my revelation I WAS able to let it go.  I am not feeling that knot of anger in me.  I forgave him for being himself but I was still waiting.  I am no longer waiting for that apology or acknowledgment. 

I have a goal for my year.  My goal is to tune in to myself.  I am going to tackle the things that will make me better physically and emotionally and mentally.  Speaking of which...it is time for another quick bit of exercise. 

Here's to a positive 2020.