I went to church with Bethany this morning. Sometimes the message speaks directly to me and sometimes there is one thing that grabs hold and my mind starts going a mile a minute in another direction...answering some questions I have had or giving me information that I need about a problem I am having.
Problem: sometimes it is something that is said by someone that Satan hooks on to and uses it as a dart to the heart...open the still healing wound, rub in some salt....churn up the hurt and anger all over again. Satan is not happy if I am willing to accept and move on. He wants me to be in turmoil and anger so that God is not wanting to work with me so much.
This last week it was our former Pastor's wife, Dianne. She helped me out with common core and testing...explaining, giving examples. Then, she asked me how old my ex is. I said, "50." She then said, "oh, then he is having a mid-life crisis." and nodded and shrugged. It kind of gave me a feeling of a slight inner pinch. Then I went home. And that was in the back of my mind...drilling its way to the forefront...to the surface. Then I finally found myself being angry.
"He's having a mid-life crisis." shrug.
How can someone's bad behavior be shrugged off with a label? That label is something that gives the offending party an excuse for being selfish and tossing people aside. Bad behavior is bad behavior...I don't care what the age of the person doing it is...there is no excuse and certainly it should not be shrugged off as if it is insignificant.
I just read a story in which a woman tells about her neighbor lady who has an autistic son and is struggling to survive after her husband walked off with a woman 38 years his junior because he was having a mid-life crisis. I wonder how many people said that about him and shrugged. Then it was an excuse for leaving that woman that had taken care of him, bore his child, the one he had promised to love...and leave her in dire straits because she had been foolish enough to believe in marriage vows and that he was a good and honorable man.
I remember my ex sitting and having a very long discussion with my son about 'character'. I guess he figured he didn't need to listen to himself. My pastor said he had no respect for a man that would walk off and leave a family...divorce the woman he promised to love, honor, etc. until death do them part. It is bad character.
For me the one thing that will always bother me, that I will never get a real answer for is this...how long did he pretend? It would probably make me physically ill to get the real answer because it would make me feel so very violated and stupid.
I squandered chances for love. I kissed a lot of toads. I passed up a prince somewhere I am afraid. But when the time is right, if there ever is a time, God will bring someone into my life that will help me to discover what real love and caring is all about.
Until then, I need to spend more time with God so that things like that off hand remark will not set me off...Satan can not find a crack to insert the poison.
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