Irony. I run...ick.
I remember listening to an old HS classmate of mine go on about how his wife (who he referred to as "what's her name") coming and picking him up at the Eagle's club more than half of the nights of the week because he was too drunk to drive home. He would talk to me through the FB messenger a lot. I 'listened' to him go on and on like that many times and I finally said to him, "Her name is DAWN. You talked about her all the time in high school and how in love with her you were...and then...she went out with you! And you had her! You married her! She is still gorgeous and she is STILL married to you...even when you leave her alone night after night to sit on a bar stool and get drunk...and she still cares about you enough to come collect your butt and make sure you get home safe! Do you really want a life without her? Women do not get married to be alone."
That was more than a few years ago when I told him that. I don't know if he still does that. I know they are still married. It popped in my head as I sat down in the chair tonight and realized I was alone. All alone....so very alone.
I remembered being in Arkansas. I moved down there with the kids....away from everyone I knew. I had no friends...nowhere to go. And the people I did meet were...odd. Troy worked A LOT. I was lonely. I would have been okay if he had been there with me...talked to me...sat and held me. But without fail, as soon as I had the kids bathed and tucked into bed, he had either fallen asleep for the night (which I could understand and was not mad about) or he had just woken up from falling asleep on the couch and bounced out the door to visit with some friends. And there I was...alone.
I don't do 'alone' well at all. I never did. Being alone in Arkansas is what sent me into a deep deep depression. I never wanted to go back there again.
But...here I am. And ironically, just like in Arkansas, the kids are gone...taken care of...raised...and off they are with their significant others...doing their own thing. It is the time when I could have spent alone WITH my spouse...the man that was supposed to love me. But, just when we had the time to be alone he has taken off.
It is not anger...or hurt that is bothering me. It is 'alone'. The deep deep 'alone' depression. It is why I do not allow sleeping pills in the house. It is why I have not bought bullets for the gun.
I tried to tell my mother about it years ago but she shrugged it off. It isn't anything real. I was being dramatic and seeking attention. After all, no offspring of hers would have such a problem. I am supposed to be the smart one...the social one...the strong one...the one that can do anything and be anything. And I am afraid I am the biggest mess of all.
I am hanging on. I don't know why. My kids are not on their feet yet but I really do think their father would help them. The only thing that keeps me going is prayer. But the one thing I NEED seems to not be there. I need a job. Something to look forward to...to get me out of the house...give my mind something to work on and not notice the 'alone'.
While I don't like 'alone'...I can't think of ever having another relationship because I can't see myself trusting again.
I have been told that God will sometimes give you what you need once you find yourself in the corner. Well...I have dug the hole and jumped in and someone is starting to dump the dirt down on top of me.
Now what?
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