I did my research on the STEAM Academy I had an interview with this morning. I was expecting something very 'stiff' and heavy handed' by the time I got there. But once I got inside it was very different. So very nice, everyone was so very friendly...
The School Leader was late. He got stuck in traffic. LOL We had a very very pleasant interview. We discussed ideas and ideology. He and I seemed to be on the same page and when he shook my hand he had a big smile on his face and told me he was very pleased with everything he heard. He asked me which grade I would be most interested in teaching...they had openings in 1st grade, 3rd grade, 4th grade and 5th grade. I told him it would be easier to tell him which grade I would be least comfortable with...1st grade. He laughed and crossed it off the list. I told him I taught 3rd, 4th, and 7th grade before. When I taught Title I it was anywhere from 2nd grade up to 6th. I felt 2nd grade was a bit young for me. He just nodded and told me he was going to talk things over with his vice principal then he would be in touch with me soon.
Then, when I got in my car and turned my phone on I saw a call from the online school I was hoping to interview with. They had left a message and just as I pressed the button to listen to the message they called me AGAIN. The secretary wanted to set up a phone interview with me later in the day. So, I had a phone interview with them also.
Both jobs pay the same amount of money. They will both start just as my unemployment runs out. They each have their pros and cons. I would rather have the online school job because the biggest pro there is flexibility. Flexibility in time and space. I could stay here while Bethany goes to college then I could sell the house and move to the other side of the state near Jackie and it would put me an hour drive away from my family.
I am praying for an offer from at least one of them. I am not stopping the praying just because I got the interviews and positive feedback. You have to keep praying all the way to the top of the mountain. Don't quit halfway up.
I have actually felt so much better today. More like my old self.
I was talking with Bethany last night. She told me that Jordan had a day when there was something at work that had stirred him up and he kept going off about it. She said she kept getting tense and anxious just from the tone of his voice until tears started running down her cheeks. She said until then, she had not realized how much she had put up with before with her dad around and how much she had been able to relax with him gone.
I told her that something reminded me the other day, too, how much more relaxed I am on a daily basis. However, I have been very depressed. I know I am not depressed about the divorce because I have gone through too many instances in my head about how wrongly he treated me. I am depressed about not having a job. Once I have a paycheck and can pay my bills on my own, I will really be able to relax and the depression will fall away. I am not saying that I will never be depressed, because it is part of me. I am just saying it won't swallow me up like it has in the last couple of years.
Once I secure a teaching position, I will have to evaluate how Dwane will or will not fit into it all. One step at a time.
I am looking forward to visiting with my family over the 4th. My kids have their significant others they will be spending time with. I don't want to feel lonely.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Knock Out
For 3 days now I have felt like I have had a nasty case of the flu. It isn't the flu...allergies, weather...rain rain damp...blech.
I had a charter school call me for an interview for this next Tuesday. I don't even remember applying to them. If I did it was quite a while ago. I can't find the application. I don't know what I applied for! But I am doing my research on the school. My most recent Special Ed. instructor is here in Ohio. She filled me in on all the new changes to the state curriculum. What a mess. She also advised me on what to study up on.
Jackie told me that when the interview is over, the one question I should ask them is when I can start...after I have convinced them that I am perfect for the job. I will have to think about that. I am going to take some questions with me.
I gave up taking Sudafed a few years ago. It was when I got vertigo from a sinus infection I let go too long without doing something about it. The nurse practitioner told me why Sudafed was bad and mucinex should be the drug of choice. I have decided that mucinex is good for congestion however, for sinus problems...I am going back to Sudafed. So, I went to the store and found some. My head feels somewhat better already AND I have some energy.
TJ and Bethany are walking around with their chins dragging. Evil Spawn has turned out to be even worse than I had come to accept. They gave him an ultimatum concerning Thug Life...he either gets her out of his life and grow into his age OR they will lock him out of their lives. He basically told them it is his life and he will see whom he wants. So....they are looking for locks. Such a waste of flesh.
Their biggest problem with it all...he lectured them endlessly about what type of people he would find unacceptable to have in their lives. And this female he has chosen to have in his life is everything he lectured them that would be unacceptable. Besides the fact that she is pretty trashy.
In the meantime, Dwane keeps after me. He insists we would be great together. He is going into preaching. Right now he has a photography studio and a jazz band. He is a big guy. Tall, kinda big around the middle but that isn't a thing. I don't know...I guess time will tell. I am not there.
I had a charter school call me for an interview for this next Tuesday. I don't even remember applying to them. If I did it was quite a while ago. I can't find the application. I don't know what I applied for! But I am doing my research on the school. My most recent Special Ed. instructor is here in Ohio. She filled me in on all the new changes to the state curriculum. What a mess. She also advised me on what to study up on.
Jackie told me that when the interview is over, the one question I should ask them is when I can start...after I have convinced them that I am perfect for the job. I will have to think about that. I am going to take some questions with me.
I gave up taking Sudafed a few years ago. It was when I got vertigo from a sinus infection I let go too long without doing something about it. The nurse practitioner told me why Sudafed was bad and mucinex should be the drug of choice. I have decided that mucinex is good for congestion however, for sinus problems...I am going back to Sudafed. So, I went to the store and found some. My head feels somewhat better already AND I have some energy.
TJ and Bethany are walking around with their chins dragging. Evil Spawn has turned out to be even worse than I had come to accept. They gave him an ultimatum concerning Thug Life...he either gets her out of his life and grow into his age OR they will lock him out of their lives. He basically told them it is his life and he will see whom he wants. So....they are looking for locks. Such a waste of flesh.
Their biggest problem with it all...he lectured them endlessly about what type of people he would find unacceptable to have in their lives. And this female he has chosen to have in his life is everything he lectured them that would be unacceptable. Besides the fact that she is pretty trashy.
In the meantime, Dwane keeps after me. He insists we would be great together. He is going into preaching. Right now he has a photography studio and a jazz band. He is a big guy. Tall, kinda big around the middle but that isn't a thing. I don't know...I guess time will tell. I am not there.
Monday, June 22, 2015
The Demons of the Mind
Irony. I run...ick.
I remember listening to an old HS classmate of mine go on about how his wife (who he referred to as "what's her name") coming and picking him up at the Eagle's club more than half of the nights of the week because he was too drunk to drive home. He would talk to me through the FB messenger a lot. I 'listened' to him go on and on like that many times and I finally said to him, "Her name is DAWN. You talked about her all the time in high school and how in love with her you were...and then...she went out with you! And you had her! You married her! She is still gorgeous and she is STILL married to you...even when you leave her alone night after night to sit on a bar stool and get drunk...and she still cares about you enough to come collect your butt and make sure you get home safe! Do you really want a life without her? Women do not get married to be alone."
That was more than a few years ago when I told him that. I don't know if he still does that. I know they are still married. It popped in my head as I sat down in the chair tonight and realized I was alone. All alone....so very alone.
I remembered being in Arkansas. I moved down there with the kids....away from everyone I knew. I had no friends...nowhere to go. And the people I did meet were...odd. Troy worked A LOT. I was lonely. I would have been okay if he had been there with me...talked to me...sat and held me. But without fail, as soon as I had the kids bathed and tucked into bed, he had either fallen asleep for the night (which I could understand and was not mad about) or he had just woken up from falling asleep on the couch and bounced out the door to visit with some friends. And there I was...alone.
I don't do 'alone' well at all. I never did. Being alone in Arkansas is what sent me into a deep deep depression. I never wanted to go back there again.
But...here I am. And ironically, just like in Arkansas, the kids are gone...taken care of...raised...and off they are with their significant others...doing their own thing. It is the time when I could have spent alone WITH my spouse...the man that was supposed to love me. But, just when we had the time to be alone he has taken off.
It is not anger...or hurt that is bothering me. It is 'alone'. The deep deep 'alone' depression. It is why I do not allow sleeping pills in the house. It is why I have not bought bullets for the gun.
I tried to tell my mother about it years ago but she shrugged it off. It isn't anything real. I was being dramatic and seeking attention. After all, no offspring of hers would have such a problem. I am supposed to be the smart one...the social one...the strong one...the one that can do anything and be anything. And I am afraid I am the biggest mess of all.
I am hanging on. I don't know why. My kids are not on their feet yet but I really do think their father would help them. The only thing that keeps me going is prayer. But the one thing I NEED seems to not be there. I need a job. Something to look forward to...to get me out of the house...give my mind something to work on and not notice the 'alone'.
While I don't like 'alone'...I can't think of ever having another relationship because I can't see myself trusting again.
I have been told that God will sometimes give you what you need once you find yourself in the corner. Well...I have dug the hole and jumped in and someone is starting to dump the dirt down on top of me.
Now what?
I remember listening to an old HS classmate of mine go on about how his wife (who he referred to as "what's her name") coming and picking him up at the Eagle's club more than half of the nights of the week because he was too drunk to drive home. He would talk to me through the FB messenger a lot. I 'listened' to him go on and on like that many times and I finally said to him, "Her name is DAWN. You talked about her all the time in high school and how in love with her you were...and then...she went out with you! And you had her! You married her! She is still gorgeous and she is STILL married to you...even when you leave her alone night after night to sit on a bar stool and get drunk...and she still cares about you enough to come collect your butt and make sure you get home safe! Do you really want a life without her? Women do not get married to be alone."
That was more than a few years ago when I told him that. I don't know if he still does that. I know they are still married. It popped in my head as I sat down in the chair tonight and realized I was alone. All alone....so very alone.
I remembered being in Arkansas. I moved down there with the kids....away from everyone I knew. I had no friends...nowhere to go. And the people I did meet were...odd. Troy worked A LOT. I was lonely. I would have been okay if he had been there with me...talked to me...sat and held me. But without fail, as soon as I had the kids bathed and tucked into bed, he had either fallen asleep for the night (which I could understand and was not mad about) or he had just woken up from falling asleep on the couch and bounced out the door to visit with some friends. And there I was...alone.
I don't do 'alone' well at all. I never did. Being alone in Arkansas is what sent me into a deep deep depression. I never wanted to go back there again.
But...here I am. And ironically, just like in Arkansas, the kids are gone...taken care of...raised...and off they are with their significant others...doing their own thing. It is the time when I could have spent alone WITH my spouse...the man that was supposed to love me. But, just when we had the time to be alone he has taken off.
It is not anger...or hurt that is bothering me. It is 'alone'. The deep deep 'alone' depression. It is why I do not allow sleeping pills in the house. It is why I have not bought bullets for the gun.
I tried to tell my mother about it years ago but she shrugged it off. It isn't anything real. I was being dramatic and seeking attention. After all, no offspring of hers would have such a problem. I am supposed to be the smart one...the social one...the strong one...the one that can do anything and be anything. And I am afraid I am the biggest mess of all.
I am hanging on. I don't know why. My kids are not on their feet yet but I really do think their father would help them. The only thing that keeps me going is prayer. But the one thing I NEED seems to not be there. I need a job. Something to look forward to...to get me out of the house...give my mind something to work on and not notice the 'alone'.
While I don't like 'alone'...I can't think of ever having another relationship because I can't see myself trusting again.
I have been told that God will sometimes give you what you need once you find yourself in the corner. Well...I have dug the hole and jumped in and someone is starting to dump the dirt down on top of me.
Now what?
Saturday, June 20, 2015
I Saw it on Jerry Springer
There are lots of things and relationships and problems going on...complications...knots...crossroads...but I just know that I want to hit someone with a sledge hammer.
Evil Spawn's nephew Tommy contacted me thru FB a few nights ago. I thought it was odd. He hasn't talked to me for over a year. The timing along with the argument that TJ had with his father over the Thug gf photos and whatever it was she said about me (which I found out later and frankly, she is so minus on the IQ scale that I don't care what she says)...I was paranoid and figured Tommy was fishing for anything I might say. Concerning Thug or Evil Spawn.
Tommy said he met her and couldn't stand her. He said he missed me...that I am still his Aunt. But then I realized what the whole thing was about. He said he wished things were like they used to be...everyone together and happy...before his parents divorced even. He said he didn't know what his uncle is thinking. He said that his uncle would someday realize the mistake he made and come back. I told him that it is over and he can't come back. There is no fixing it.
And after he and I stopped messaging, I thought about it and I realized...I meant it. I don't know what Tommy wanted from me or thought I could or would do about any of it.
The only thing I try not to think about is all the old memories that I thought were good...I don't know who he is now...that changes every memory in my head.
And my son is with his fiancée staying at his dad's mom's house for the weekend. He went up there to attend the wedding of a friend. My ex MIL got after him about not talking to his dad very much. I know TJ can stick up for himself. It still makes me mad. Then there was an argument with his cousin Kevin that showed up with his gf for the weekend.
Kevin knows how to pick them. This is the second one he has picked up that is pregnant with a baby that isn't his. They are basically homeless right now. And he complained to TJ about him (TJ) not liking the new Thug in Evil Spawn's life.
I told TJ to give Kevin his father's # and perhaps Evil Spawn will help him out.
I am SO over that family. And I am SO over the ex.
I just accept that he is slime. And he likes slime. The whole family is an episode of Jerry Springer.
Evil Spawn's nephew Tommy contacted me thru FB a few nights ago. I thought it was odd. He hasn't talked to me for over a year. The timing along with the argument that TJ had with his father over the Thug gf photos and whatever it was she said about me (which I found out later and frankly, she is so minus on the IQ scale that I don't care what she says)...I was paranoid and figured Tommy was fishing for anything I might say. Concerning Thug or Evil Spawn.
Tommy said he met her and couldn't stand her. He said he missed me...that I am still his Aunt. But then I realized what the whole thing was about. He said he wished things were like they used to be...everyone together and happy...before his parents divorced even. He said he didn't know what his uncle is thinking. He said that his uncle would someday realize the mistake he made and come back. I told him that it is over and he can't come back. There is no fixing it.
And after he and I stopped messaging, I thought about it and I realized...I meant it. I don't know what Tommy wanted from me or thought I could or would do about any of it.
The only thing I try not to think about is all the old memories that I thought were good...I don't know who he is now...that changes every memory in my head.
And my son is with his fiancée staying at his dad's mom's house for the weekend. He went up there to attend the wedding of a friend. My ex MIL got after him about not talking to his dad very much. I know TJ can stick up for himself. It still makes me mad. Then there was an argument with his cousin Kevin that showed up with his gf for the weekend.
Kevin knows how to pick them. This is the second one he has picked up that is pregnant with a baby that isn't his. They are basically homeless right now. And he complained to TJ about him (TJ) not liking the new Thug in Evil Spawn's life.
I told TJ to give Kevin his father's # and perhaps Evil Spawn will help him out.
I am SO over that family. And I am SO over the ex.
I just accept that he is slime. And he likes slime. The whole family is an episode of Jerry Springer.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
The Gag Reflex
I could do it. But I don't because my blood pressure rockets and then I can't breathe and then I feel my heart start doing that arrhythmic behavior and it feels like I am blacking out for a couple seconds. Really...I miss a couple seconds of what is in front of me. Then after a couple of those mini blackouts I get a headache.
What could I do that I don't do? I don't look at the FB page of the female (and I use the term loosely) that my ex is hooked up with.
But tonight someone told me about a picture that she had posted of my ex and her. My son was sitting there and I asked him if he was still looking at her page and he said he hadn't for a few months. I told him I felt like I was going to throw up I was so sick. Just from the description of that one picture. So, unfortunately, he then looked at the page. I don't know what all he saw there but I saw his jaw line set...he clenched his teeth. After looking at things for a minute he put his phone down and quietly said, "I am done with him. Not that we. talk much now but I really don't want to talk to him ever again. I don't want him at my wedding. He is a poor excuse of a father and an adult." I would feel badly but his dad treated him badly and he really would be better off without that toxin in his life.
He is displaying signs of destructive behavior. I've already seen that movie up close and personal.
I sent out messages to quite a few of my church family/friends to ask for prayer for me in the pursuit of a certain job. An acquaintance of mine that works for an online charter school messaged me about a job opening. They are hiring 10 more people in her department and they especially need some in my section of the state. It would get my foot in the door and pay my bills until I finish my masters and can get an intervention specialist job with them. Then I could live in any part of the state. But I seriously need the job and NOW. When Evil Spawn starts to unravel he doesn't waste any time.
His behavior will leak over into his job and red flags will go up...then they will drug test him.
I always knew that I was the only thing that was keeping him on the rails and even that was a major battle every day. I couldn't do that forever. It was taken out of my hands. And now, God needs to finish the favor and open the doors to a job...now. Even if the job doesn't actually start until August, I have enough to keep me going until then.
What could I do that I don't do? I don't look at the FB page of the female (and I use the term loosely) that my ex is hooked up with.
But tonight someone told me about a picture that she had posted of my ex and her. My son was sitting there and I asked him if he was still looking at her page and he said he hadn't for a few months. I told him I felt like I was going to throw up I was so sick. Just from the description of that one picture. So, unfortunately, he then looked at the page. I don't know what all he saw there but I saw his jaw line set...he clenched his teeth. After looking at things for a minute he put his phone down and quietly said, "I am done with him. Not that we. talk much now but I really don't want to talk to him ever again. I don't want him at my wedding. He is a poor excuse of a father and an adult." I would feel badly but his dad treated him badly and he really would be better off without that toxin in his life.
He is displaying signs of destructive behavior. I've already seen that movie up close and personal.
I sent out messages to quite a few of my church family/friends to ask for prayer for me in the pursuit of a certain job. An acquaintance of mine that works for an online charter school messaged me about a job opening. They are hiring 10 more people in her department and they especially need some in my section of the state. It would get my foot in the door and pay my bills until I finish my masters and can get an intervention specialist job with them. Then I could live in any part of the state. But I seriously need the job and NOW. When Evil Spawn starts to unravel he doesn't waste any time.
His behavior will leak over into his job and red flags will go up...then they will drug test him.
I always knew that I was the only thing that was keeping him on the rails and even that was a major battle every day. I couldn't do that forever. It was taken out of my hands. And now, God needs to finish the favor and open the doors to a job...now. Even if the job doesn't actually start until August, I have enough to keep me going until then.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Revealing Epiphanies
I got an epiphany delivered from God to give me a real kick to the back of the head: "Why do you insist on validation from someone who cannot validate himself?"
And there it was. Exactly. I know who I am...what I am capable of and what I have done for him and my family.
Then I came across something on Facebook...something from Godvine that explained HIM:
http://m.godvine.com/read/5-ways-to-tell-an-evil-heart-versus-a-sinful-one-fb-gv-956.html
I started reading it and every point was HIM. There is nothing that I could have done...except not marry him.
I remembered tonight when things had seemed like they were going fairly well for a bit...when I could dare to feel happiness and contentment with what I had. It was so short of a time. At least I remember thanking God...and I always did when I knew I should be grateful. So short of a time.
Then...I made the mistake...felt sorry for his nephew. We decided to let him come stay with us so that he could go to college and break the downward spiral of his life. It was supposed to be a good thing. But...it was when evil came and took up residence.
He brought drugs into the house. And Troy was weak. He was a fairly new Christian...not even really sure he was a Christian. He was trying to be LIKE one, at any rate. He has struggled with drugs. But here was his nephew...with drugs and Troy couldn't take the temptation. He gave in.
It was after that when he started to be truly mean to me. He had ignored me and been an ass before but now he was really mean.
For some reason I didn't see it...until tonight. It just seemed like so very much has been revealed. Understanding is the prelude to freedom.
And I am thankful to God for that. Evil is out of my life. At least Evil Spawn. I guess I gave him the right nickname.
And there it was. Exactly. I know who I am...what I am capable of and what I have done for him and my family.
Then I came across something on Facebook...something from Godvine that explained HIM:
http://m.godvine.com/read/5-ways-to-tell-an-evil-heart-versus-a-sinful-one-fb-gv-956.html
I started reading it and every point was HIM. There is nothing that I could have done...except not marry him.
I remembered tonight when things had seemed like they were going fairly well for a bit...when I could dare to feel happiness and contentment with what I had. It was so short of a time. At least I remember thanking God...and I always did when I knew I should be grateful. So short of a time.
Then...I made the mistake...felt sorry for his nephew. We decided to let him come stay with us so that he could go to college and break the downward spiral of his life. It was supposed to be a good thing. But...it was when evil came and took up residence.
He brought drugs into the house. And Troy was weak. He was a fairly new Christian...not even really sure he was a Christian. He was trying to be LIKE one, at any rate. He has struggled with drugs. But here was his nephew...with drugs and Troy couldn't take the temptation. He gave in.
It was after that when he started to be truly mean to me. He had ignored me and been an ass before but now he was really mean.
For some reason I didn't see it...until tonight. It just seemed like so very much has been revealed. Understanding is the prelude to freedom.
And I am thankful to God for that. Evil is out of my life. At least Evil Spawn. I guess I gave him the right nickname.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
What's God Working on in YOUR Life?
I went to church with Bethany this morning. Sometimes the message speaks directly to me and sometimes there is one thing that grabs hold and my mind starts going a mile a minute in another direction...answering some questions I have had or giving me information that I need about a problem I am having.
Problem: sometimes it is something that is said by someone that Satan hooks on to and uses it as a dart to the heart...open the still healing wound, rub in some salt....churn up the hurt and anger all over again. Satan is not happy if I am willing to accept and move on. He wants me to be in turmoil and anger so that God is not wanting to work with me so much.
This last week it was our former Pastor's wife, Dianne. She helped me out with common core and testing...explaining, giving examples. Then, she asked me how old my ex is. I said, "50." She then said, "oh, then he is having a mid-life crisis." and nodded and shrugged. It kind of gave me a feeling of a slight inner pinch. Then I went home. And that was in the back of my mind...drilling its way to the forefront...to the surface. Then I finally found myself being angry.
"He's having a mid-life crisis." shrug.
How can someone's bad behavior be shrugged off with a label? That label is something that gives the offending party an excuse for being selfish and tossing people aside. Bad behavior is bad behavior...I don't care what the age of the person doing it is...there is no excuse and certainly it should not be shrugged off as if it is insignificant.
I just read a story in which a woman tells about her neighbor lady who has an autistic son and is struggling to survive after her husband walked off with a woman 38 years his junior because he was having a mid-life crisis. I wonder how many people said that about him and shrugged. Then it was an excuse for leaving that woman that had taken care of him, bore his child, the one he had promised to love...and leave her in dire straits because she had been foolish enough to believe in marriage vows and that he was a good and honorable man.
I remember my ex sitting and having a very long discussion with my son about 'character'. I guess he figured he didn't need to listen to himself. My pastor said he had no respect for a man that would walk off and leave a family...divorce the woman he promised to love, honor, etc. until death do them part. It is bad character.
For me the one thing that will always bother me, that I will never get a real answer for is this...how long did he pretend? It would probably make me physically ill to get the real answer because it would make me feel so very violated and stupid.
I squandered chances for love. I kissed a lot of toads. I passed up a prince somewhere I am afraid. But when the time is right, if there ever is a time, God will bring someone into my life that will help me to discover what real love and caring is all about.
Until then, I need to spend more time with God so that things like that off hand remark will not set me off...Satan can not find a crack to insert the poison.
Problem: sometimes it is something that is said by someone that Satan hooks on to and uses it as a dart to the heart...open the still healing wound, rub in some salt....churn up the hurt and anger all over again. Satan is not happy if I am willing to accept and move on. He wants me to be in turmoil and anger so that God is not wanting to work with me so much.
This last week it was our former Pastor's wife, Dianne. She helped me out with common core and testing...explaining, giving examples. Then, she asked me how old my ex is. I said, "50." She then said, "oh, then he is having a mid-life crisis." and nodded and shrugged. It kind of gave me a feeling of a slight inner pinch. Then I went home. And that was in the back of my mind...drilling its way to the forefront...to the surface. Then I finally found myself being angry.
"He's having a mid-life crisis." shrug.
How can someone's bad behavior be shrugged off with a label? That label is something that gives the offending party an excuse for being selfish and tossing people aside. Bad behavior is bad behavior...I don't care what the age of the person doing it is...there is no excuse and certainly it should not be shrugged off as if it is insignificant.
I just read a story in which a woman tells about her neighbor lady who has an autistic son and is struggling to survive after her husband walked off with a woman 38 years his junior because he was having a mid-life crisis. I wonder how many people said that about him and shrugged. Then it was an excuse for leaving that woman that had taken care of him, bore his child, the one he had promised to love...and leave her in dire straits because she had been foolish enough to believe in marriage vows and that he was a good and honorable man.
I remember my ex sitting and having a very long discussion with my son about 'character'. I guess he figured he didn't need to listen to himself. My pastor said he had no respect for a man that would walk off and leave a family...divorce the woman he promised to love, honor, etc. until death do them part. It is bad character.
For me the one thing that will always bother me, that I will never get a real answer for is this...how long did he pretend? It would probably make me physically ill to get the real answer because it would make me feel so very violated and stupid.
I squandered chances for love. I kissed a lot of toads. I passed up a prince somewhere I am afraid. But when the time is right, if there ever is a time, God will bring someone into my life that will help me to discover what real love and caring is all about.
Until then, I need to spend more time with God so that things like that off hand remark will not set me off...Satan can not find a crack to insert the poison.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
One Step Forward, One Step Backward
I either am not really ready for dating or I just did not find the right guy to date. I think I should probably get one thing settled in my life before I try to take on something else. That one thing I need to get settled is the job. Taking on another person in my life is just too much of an anxiety for me.
I cancelled on Brian today. I cancelled on Dan last night. I keep putting Jim off and I should just tell them all I am not ready yet. I made a mistake. I am just afraid of another person in my life telling me what I am doing wrong.
On the bright side, I got some grades back on some more of my papers: 100%, 94% and 93%. I have 3 more grades to get back. And in the meantime, I am going to make myself be more proactive this next week. I am making a list of what I am going to do and on what day. A WRITTEN list. I have been carrying it around in my head and it looks overwhelming swimming around up there.
I am not entirely sure I am done with menopause...or there is something else going on. I will randomly get really really hot and break out in a sweat. I think I am going to just spontaneously combust! Then it goes away. Maybe God has heard my prayer to melt the fat off of me and that is what He is doing...turning up the heat to melt the fat!!! LOL
Okay. Back to the book, the reading, vacuuming, laundry, applications (I am still getting job notices everyday). But not back to the dating. That is a big NO for now. At least I keep trying.
Here is the thing with my life that I don't get....nobody is perfect. We all do wrong. But when I do something that isn't right, I apologize for it. Or I ask God for forgiveness...it depends on what it is. Then I try not to do it again. However, and this could be because I pick the wrong people to open up to and trust, I do not get an apology. I am sick and tired of people making me out to be so much more worse than I am. And, no, this is not anything recent but I carry hurt for a long time. Especially after I have trusted people with who I am...my thoughts, and secrets and then they turn around and use it against me. I guess I will just not do that anymore. Not trust. (I know you are reading this and you know who you are. Shame on you. Oh...you have it all right)
I cancelled on Brian today. I cancelled on Dan last night. I keep putting Jim off and I should just tell them all I am not ready yet. I made a mistake. I am just afraid of another person in my life telling me what I am doing wrong.
On the bright side, I got some grades back on some more of my papers: 100%, 94% and 93%. I have 3 more grades to get back. And in the meantime, I am going to make myself be more proactive this next week. I am making a list of what I am going to do and on what day. A WRITTEN list. I have been carrying it around in my head and it looks overwhelming swimming around up there.
I am not entirely sure I am done with menopause...or there is something else going on. I will randomly get really really hot and break out in a sweat. I think I am going to just spontaneously combust! Then it goes away. Maybe God has heard my prayer to melt the fat off of me and that is what He is doing...turning up the heat to melt the fat!!! LOL
Okay. Back to the book, the reading, vacuuming, laundry, applications (I am still getting job notices everyday). But not back to the dating. That is a big NO for now. At least I keep trying.
Here is the thing with my life that I don't get....nobody is perfect. We all do wrong. But when I do something that isn't right, I apologize for it. Or I ask God for forgiveness...it depends on what it is. Then I try not to do it again. However, and this could be because I pick the wrong people to open up to and trust, I do not get an apology. I am sick and tired of people making me out to be so much more worse than I am. And, no, this is not anything recent but I carry hurt for a long time. Especially after I have trusted people with who I am...my thoughts, and secrets and then they turn around and use it against me. I guess I will just not do that anymore. Not trust. (I know you are reading this and you know who you are. Shame on you. Oh...you have it all right)
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Try and Try and Try Again
Brian was nice. I am not sure I can feel anything 'romantic' for him. Nothing wrong with him. I am not sure at this point I can feel 'romantic' for anyone. Not sure if it is depression or just not having a good enough opinion of myself. However, he seems to like hanging with me. He didn't even try to give me a hug, let alone a kiss.
I met with Dianne this afternoon and she filled me in on newer education standards. She went over common core with me. It isn't a bad idea...it is how it is executed and when. Common core would work if they had some way of working the kids into it instead of just dumping it on them and the teachers and saying "there ya go!" Too much testing too. And with the schools losing money and pulling back on paraprofessionals it just creates a real burden on the teachers. Why am I doing this?
Dianne told me to try and get into online teaching. I told her that is my goal.
In the meantime....I will do what I can do. I am doing applications still. Next Tuesday I go take my $105 reading endorsement test. I would like to take the middle school math endorsement test but I can't afford the other $105. Not now. I will take it as soon as I can.
The only thing that keeps the depression from setting in is class. Reading, learning...stretching my brain. Socialization is helpful but learning is better. I took 2 weeks off from class so I could get things done in my yard but it has either rained or been so hot we have had advisories to stay indoors.
I have a paper to finish this week...another one next week but other than the test that will take up 5 hours of my time on Tuesday afternoon, I have nothing scheduled. It is supposed to, at this point in weather time, rain most of the week next week so I guess I will use some time to get things painted and organized inside.
Everyone tells me to relax and enjoy my summer. Kinda difficult when I am not sure about the job situation. When I get anxious I spend some time on my knees.
Well, time to get dinner for TJ and I. I would think I would start dropping some weight. I haven't been eating much. Not much of an appetite.
Brian plans on taking me for sushi sometime this weekend. I like sushi so I do not know why I am not more happy about it. Depression.
Just what is mid-life crisis good for? Is it a REAL thing or just a blanket excuse for guys of a certain age deciding that the woman they were married to for 20+ years is probably the reason for their restlessness and unhappiness?
I met with Dianne this afternoon and she filled me in on newer education standards. She went over common core with me. It isn't a bad idea...it is how it is executed and when. Common core would work if they had some way of working the kids into it instead of just dumping it on them and the teachers and saying "there ya go!" Too much testing too. And with the schools losing money and pulling back on paraprofessionals it just creates a real burden on the teachers. Why am I doing this?
Dianne told me to try and get into online teaching. I told her that is my goal.
In the meantime....I will do what I can do. I am doing applications still. Next Tuesday I go take my $105 reading endorsement test. I would like to take the middle school math endorsement test but I can't afford the other $105. Not now. I will take it as soon as I can.
The only thing that keeps the depression from setting in is class. Reading, learning...stretching my brain. Socialization is helpful but learning is better. I took 2 weeks off from class so I could get things done in my yard but it has either rained or been so hot we have had advisories to stay indoors.
I have a paper to finish this week...another one next week but other than the test that will take up 5 hours of my time on Tuesday afternoon, I have nothing scheduled. It is supposed to, at this point in weather time, rain most of the week next week so I guess I will use some time to get things painted and organized inside.
Everyone tells me to relax and enjoy my summer. Kinda difficult when I am not sure about the job situation. When I get anxious I spend some time on my knees.
Well, time to get dinner for TJ and I. I would think I would start dropping some weight. I haven't been eating much. Not much of an appetite.
Brian plans on taking me for sushi sometime this weekend. I like sushi so I do not know why I am not more happy about it. Depression.
Just what is mid-life crisis good for? Is it a REAL thing or just a blanket excuse for guys of a certain age deciding that the woman they were married to for 20+ years is probably the reason for their restlessness and unhappiness?
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
And I am Still Here
I did not much of anything today....yesterday now. I was up until 2:30 a.m. Monday getting my class assignments done and in. I had until 3 a.m. because it had to be in my 12 a.m. Arizona time. I could have had it in a lot sooner but I decided to watch the NBA finals. I sacrificed. LOL
The dogs let me sleep in until almost 9 a. m. because I let them out rather late. And then, when I woke up I realized I didn't have a paper to work on! I did not do yardwork because the rain was off and on and everything was soaked. I could have done some housework but...I didn't. Big mistake.
I have 2 dates this week...2 different guys. The one on Wednesday (Brian) lives more than an hour away. Then there is Dan...Friday evenings at a mom n pop restaurant here in town. He is about a 20 minute drive into the country from here. There is still another guy that lives in the next town, Jim, who wanted me to meet him for dinner here in town tomorrow night (tonight now). I put him off. This whole dating thing makes me want to have a panic attack.
I have been watching James MacDonald and more Joyce Meyer. James MacDonald is phenomenal. He really digs deep. Joyce helps smooth you out. Between the two of them I have really faced all the things I have done wrong that helped crumble my relationships. It has been really cathartic. I have done a lot of repentance and cleaning out the crumbs.
TJ has been doing quite a bit of news anchoring. He got called in to do a few hours of anchoring tonight because of storms and accidents closing down two different sections of freeway. He is still pretty nervous but he is getting better.
Tomorrow (today!) I can't be such a plop. I have a lot to do. Some of it I WANT to do. LOL
The dogs let me sleep in until almost 9 a. m. because I let them out rather late. And then, when I woke up I realized I didn't have a paper to work on! I did not do yardwork because the rain was off and on and everything was soaked. I could have done some housework but...I didn't. Big mistake.
I have 2 dates this week...2 different guys. The one on Wednesday (Brian) lives more than an hour away. Then there is Dan...Friday evenings at a mom n pop restaurant here in town. He is about a 20 minute drive into the country from here. There is still another guy that lives in the next town, Jim, who wanted me to meet him for dinner here in town tomorrow night (tonight now). I put him off. This whole dating thing makes me want to have a panic attack.
I have been watching James MacDonald and more Joyce Meyer. James MacDonald is phenomenal. He really digs deep. Joyce helps smooth you out. Between the two of them I have really faced all the things I have done wrong that helped crumble my relationships. It has been really cathartic. I have done a lot of repentance and cleaning out the crumbs.
TJ has been doing quite a bit of news anchoring. He got called in to do a few hours of anchoring tonight because of storms and accidents closing down two different sections of freeway. He is still pretty nervous but he is getting better.
Tomorrow (today!) I can't be such a plop. I have a lot to do. Some of it I WANT to do. LOL
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Weary
I am going to MAKE myself meet this Brian guy. Not sure I am doing the right thing. I don't feel excited or...anything. I realized that I feel nothing.
I feel like after the last 25 years I am emotionally drained. I am not sure I will ever feel anything again. Even worse, I'm not sure I care. Do I need a guy to tell me he loves me? Do I need a guy to look at me and tell me he thinks I am pretty? Or that he likes my weirdness?
Frankly, I am kinda feeling like I don't care.
I have wrapped my head around my class stuff and looking forward to the next 2 weeks after this. I let 'the final move' and anxiety over a job take over my head too much and now it is crunch time with my classes. I take small breaks here and there to try and give my brain something else to think about once in a while. I vacuum a room (for some reason I get good ideas when I vacuum) or I make a quick phone call to one of my sisters. They understand and can keep the conversation short. My mother, not so much. I won't be talking to her quite so much this week.
Next week is filling up. One afternoon is a 'study session' with Dianne about the new school teaching standards and common core and IEPs. Then there is the breakfast meet with Brian and on to my younger sister's house for a visit. Then there is the lunch with Pam. We are going to a Mom and Pop restaurant here in town that I have never tried out.
I told my son about the YouTube videos concerning Marriage and relationships by Jim and Karen Evans. They are excellent and told him that I think he and Brittany should watch those NOW and try to pre-empt any problems before they get married. He said they watched 2 of them last night and then discussed things. He said it really helped them talk about things and get a different understanding. I told him that if there is something that will help them be a better couple and not have to go through what his father and I have gone through then it is something they need to stick with.
Bethany and Jordan got signed up for their classes. He has an extra class his first semester that she doesn't have to take for some reason. And they have different math classes because she tests better at math than he does. They decided to take their classes at the main campus and were able to get all but one of them scheduled for Tues/Thur. She will have a bit of a wait in between a couple of classes while he is in class but she says that is fine because she will do her classwork so she doesn't have to do it at home. I told her I did that one semester...got all of my classes into 2 days. But I was taking more hours in one semester than she is. She has 12...I was taking 17. It just about killed me. The break between Thur and the next Tues was great BUT if I had classwork from Tues that was due on Thur my Wednesday was intense. She will be fine.
Troy still passes through my mind from time to time. Just wonder how he is. But that really is it. It is amazing to me that I really don't feel any anger or ANYTHING when I think of him. It is good...but amazing. I still feel some sadness every now and then with the knowledge that I didn't get my happy family unit that I worked so hard for...but...it was what it was and it could have been worse.
Now...back to it. And IT is making me tired. LOL
I feel like after the last 25 years I am emotionally drained. I am not sure I will ever feel anything again. Even worse, I'm not sure I care. Do I need a guy to tell me he loves me? Do I need a guy to look at me and tell me he thinks I am pretty? Or that he likes my weirdness?
Frankly, I am kinda feeling like I don't care.
I have wrapped my head around my class stuff and looking forward to the next 2 weeks after this. I let 'the final move' and anxiety over a job take over my head too much and now it is crunch time with my classes. I take small breaks here and there to try and give my brain something else to think about once in a while. I vacuum a room (for some reason I get good ideas when I vacuum) or I make a quick phone call to one of my sisters. They understand and can keep the conversation short. My mother, not so much. I won't be talking to her quite so much this week.
Next week is filling up. One afternoon is a 'study session' with Dianne about the new school teaching standards and common core and IEPs. Then there is the breakfast meet with Brian and on to my younger sister's house for a visit. Then there is the lunch with Pam. We are going to a Mom and Pop restaurant here in town that I have never tried out.
I told my son about the YouTube videos concerning Marriage and relationships by Jim and Karen Evans. They are excellent and told him that I think he and Brittany should watch those NOW and try to pre-empt any problems before they get married. He said they watched 2 of them last night and then discussed things. He said it really helped them talk about things and get a different understanding. I told him that if there is something that will help them be a better couple and not have to go through what his father and I have gone through then it is something they need to stick with.
Bethany and Jordan got signed up for their classes. He has an extra class his first semester that she doesn't have to take for some reason. And they have different math classes because she tests better at math than he does. They decided to take their classes at the main campus and were able to get all but one of them scheduled for Tues/Thur. She will have a bit of a wait in between a couple of classes while he is in class but she says that is fine because she will do her classwork so she doesn't have to do it at home. I told her I did that one semester...got all of my classes into 2 days. But I was taking more hours in one semester than she is. She has 12...I was taking 17. It just about killed me. The break between Thur and the next Tues was great BUT if I had classwork from Tues that was due on Thur my Wednesday was intense. She will be fine.
Troy still passes through my mind from time to time. Just wonder how he is. But that really is it. It is amazing to me that I really don't feel any anger or ANYTHING when I think of him. It is good...but amazing. I still feel some sadness every now and then with the knowledge that I didn't get my happy family unit that I worked so hard for...but...it was what it was and it could have been worse.
Now...back to it. And IT is making me tired. LOL
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