Swing Like a Chandelier

   I had my first shocker.  The 'kids' had a day with dad and his female roommate.  They went bowling and out to dinner.  I am happy they had a good time with him for once.  But then it happened...SHE had a picture taken of all of them together with something about spending time with family.  I didn't mind what she put but it was a bit of a shock to see a picture of my family with  her standing where I always stood in the pictures.

   She messaged me with how she know it is hard to see someone else with the man I had been married to for 25 years and that they loved each other.  She also said she would never try to take my place with my kids.

   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I messaged her back and told her I had no problem with him having someone else in his life because him divorcing me was a blessing.  He put me through enough.  And I certainly wasn't worried about her taking my place with my kids because I am their mom and they love me.  I dislike HIM for the way he treated me in the end.  I told her it would be nice if he had grown up and knew how to be in love and good luck with that.  She had to message back that they had been open and honest with each other and he had shown her all emails and text messages.  I just said 'sure'.

    I.do.not.care.  BLOCK.  I have to get used to the pictures now too.

    I was stupid and called my older sister to say something about the picture and what a sort of shock it was.  Her reply was, "that's what happens with divorce.  Oh well."

   A "I'm sorry, I know that must have been difficult."  would have been nice.  Again, I am insane to think that I would get even a bit of fake empathy from any of my family.   I know it has been 5 years but I am not sure it ever really gets easier.  I can sort of understand why people get addicted to drugs.  They take them to numb the pain.  I am sick of it coming back and hitting me in the middle of the chest.  I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been if he hadn't moved to Kansas...if I had had to put up with his presence all of the time.

   I have wondered if it would make things easier to have someone else in my life.  Someone that really cared about me.  I have hid and put off trying to mix and mingle until I felt sure my damage was behind me but now I am feeling that if I wait for that I will definitely be alone for the rest of my life.  I really feel like the damage will never be behind me.

   I love my kids but I almost feel like I wish that I had stuck to my original plan and never gotten married.  But you can't go through life and totally avoid the bad feelings.  It would mean you would never care about anyone or anything.  Ever.

    I can feel my insides curling up and turning sour.  Push it down.  Push it down.  Gather up the sunshine and push it to the top.  Sometimes it seems like such a struggle.

Dancing Out in Front

     And so the list begins.  I have several little things I want to take care of  ahead of time instead of ignoring it and then wishing I had been more proactive.  I have it all broke down by day and doing a little of everything every day.  I did not too much yesterday because I did not sleep well the night before and was feeling blah...plus I got caught in the loop of binge watching something and I was determined to finish it so that it would not be luring me in and messing up my plans.

     I did not put reading on my list.  I figured it is a foregone conclusion that I could sit and do some reading when I needed a rest.  Of course, I will not allow myself to do too much of that because at some point I will sit and not get back up. 

    My exercise 'room' equipment is finally getting used each day.  I need to want to take better care of myself. 

     My kids are being very quiet with me today.   No texts, no calls...and I know why.  They are visiting with Flawless and Twit today.  Bethany and Jordan had dinner with them last night.  They are afraid of saying anything to me about their visits.  I don't want it to be ackward for them but at the same time, I don't need to hear it.  So, it will be quiet for a while and I get it.  I will keep myself busy today anyway.

   Well, time to get back to my list of things.  It is warm enough yesterday and today so that I could have the sunroom open with the gas stove on so that Lucy can be out there and watch out the windows.  It makes her happy. 

The Dance Continues

     I gave Lucy a shower today and brushed her teeth.  She's gotten used to the showers but the teeth brushing is not something she is kind about.  I did the best I could.

      I cleaned the shower then took one myself.  I realized as I was thinking about taking her to my parents' house for the Eve party with my family (and to stay the night) that I was feeling uptight.  Why?  Because I was already hearing all of the comments about Lucy in my head, "be careful about petting her...she'll shed a lot" "make sure she is eating her treats on the sheet on the floor so that the crumbs don't get into the carpet"  "She shouldn't get a treat everytime she goes to the bathroom outside.  She's over weight" "What did you feed that dog?  She's smelling up the room!"  "Quit barking!" She only barks when someone mentions going outside then she gets so excited she will bark.  I would be thinking, 'I am moving as fast as I can!  I am sorry if this is bothering you!'

    Then it struck me...that was my whole marriage...dancing on the edge of that volcano trying to keep ahead of it so as not to upset Flawless. 

     I 'lost' a friend but I am not angry with that friend.  We both seemed to snap about our friendship at the same time.  I think we both felt it coming but we ignored it...tried to deal mainly because I THINK we realize that neither one of us is a bad person and we like each other for the most part BUT it turns out that things I was doing was upending her recovery and things she was doing was causing my post divorce PTSD to come out.  I was feeling like I had to justify my decisions and actions.  And things I was doing was bringing out her old anxieties and setting her back. 

     It is sad.  She is funny and kind and I miss her but it reached a head.  I guess it is true that sometimes people are in your life for a purpose and a time.  I am used to them leaving so this is no different.  To be fair, I was leaning and depending on her when I should have been going to a support group or talking to a professional.  My recovery and mental health was not her responsibility.

   In the meantime, I have to figure out how to hold myself together around my family.  They don't like inconvenience.  If I tell them I can't eat certain things they roll their eyes and groan.  If I tell them that certain things they say or do causes me extreme anxiety, they will basically grumble to each other how I need to get over it.   Can you imagine if my family liked to drink alcohol and I was an alcoholic and was in recovery?  They aren't much for support.  They are avoiders and believe in ignoring things like psychology is a bunch of crap.  I mention support groups to any of them and they give me ALL kinds of reasons not to go. 

    I am tired of people telling me everything that is wrong with decisions I make that I KNOW will benefit me, even if they don't understand it.  I really need to shrug and keep moving.

Fixing the Neglected

      The whole house humidifier has not worked since I moved in here.  I don't know when the last time it has worked.  Last winter I opened it up, partially, and discovered that the water dispersal filter was missing so I bought one and put it in but when I turned on the water, the water just ran out.  It did not run through it.  I decided I would, at some point, tear it apart and see if there was a clog that I could clear out.

    I put it off and ignored it.  Until this morning.  I went down with my wrench and screw driver.  I took it apart and discovered that it was full of lime and corrosion.  I used some CLR and soaked and scrubbed and rinsed.  Once everything seemed to be cleared out and all the parts that are supposed to move were moving, I put it back together, plugged it back in, turned it on, set the humidity level and turned on the water.  I waited and checked.  The heat came on and I heard the fan in the humidifier come on (it was hard to hear but I could hear it).  As the day has gone on I have checked numerous times to make sure the water is not running out...nothing.  The air in the house became warmer, I can breathe easier.  I have turned my thermostat down 3 degrees and it is still a bit too warm. 

    I FIXED IT!  Mind you, it was just maintenance but...still...I fixed it!  The day after Thanksgiving I put in a new garbage disposal and today I got the humidifier running again.  It feels GOOD!

     I am also insane.  Or partially.  I have a bad habit of doing things to 'test' myself.  For instance, I quit eating peanut butter quite a few months ago because it seemed to be causing me slight intestinal distress.  I decided, last week, to give it another try.  I was in a hurry one morning...slept in as long as I possibly could...popped out of bed and grabbed a pb&j sandwich to eat while I was getting ready for the 9 am intervention session with my kids.  I got through that hour session and the math hour that followed.    THEN, as Language Arts was starting, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I thought I was going to drop a kidney!  BUT, I survived and sworn off peanut butter for the rest of my life.

       I tried going back to drinking wine but found out it still brings on the depression plus now there is an added bonus...irritability.  Just like having a monthly period.  So, I should add wine to the list of 'no-nos'. *sigh*  That is going to be a tough one.

      Over a year ago, the ex (whom I now refer to as Flawless, because he does no wrong) bought a house in Wichita.  I ignored his address, even though it was on the last round of alimony checks.  I literally did ignore it.  But after I had cashed the last one, and I was perusing the  online listings of houses in my area, it dawned on me...I could actually see the house he had bought. TJ and Bethany said he had given them a video tour of the place and I know TJ was probably playing it down.  My curiosity rose and I then had to ask Bethany his address.  So, I put it the realty search and there it was...this big beautiful ranch house in a cookie cutter housing development.  I was amazed but not surprised...at least not at the size of the house.  I figured that he would buy something amazing to keep up with his friend Eddie because he is that way...always trying to keep up or do better.  Everything was a competition and he had to come out on top or at least even.  I am surprised about the neighborhood.  He complained about those types of developments and swore he would never live in something like that.  eh...whatever. 

   I looked at it out of curiosity but I waited a year to look because I never trusted myself to look.  I thought I would get angry, feel jealous/cheated.  And you know what?  I felt nothing.  I looked, went, "Huh" and that was that.  It would have been nice to have a house like that as we were raising our kids but we couldn't.  His house is newer and bigger than mine but it is his hang up.  This house is mine and he is not in it.

    So, I satisfied my curiosity and also found out it no longer effects me.  I don't know that guy.  Never knew that guy.  And I am not having to put up with him here.  And I can honestly say at this moment, I do not remember the address.  You should only remember things that are important to you and have something to do with your life.

    I have been depressed not because I miss him.  I have been depressed because I never imagined myself alone.  BUT, I haven't done much to change that. 

    Tomorrow night I will celebrate Christmas Eve with my family...two of my siblings and their spouses and my parents.  I am grateful for that.  I will have Christmas Day with my parents, time over the holidays with 2 of my friends, my son, and New Year's Eve spent at my older sister's.  Life could be worse and much lonelier. 
 
    I am who I am and I do not do things as everyone expects.  I had many boyfriends tell me in in the past that I was not the norm...and what they thought I was going to do or how they thought I was going to react turned out to most of the time not be right.  They had difficulty predicting any of it when it came to me.  I have never figured out if it was a good thing or a bad thing but I guess it doesn't matter....it is just me.
   

Grain of Sand in My Shoe

    I made the mistake.  Answered the phone this morning.  I slept a full 8 hours without interruption last night.  I haven't done that for over a month. 

    This is my family make up:  My mom turns everything into a competition.   No one has suffered more than  she has and you should never expect to be allowed to have any feelings about anything.
My younger sister:  She finds insulting people funny and she will share a problem with you only to tell you why any suggestions you give her for a solution will not work.  My older sister: is always angry and has no problem telling you what is wrong with your thinking and what you do wrong and what/how you should do it as she sits there smoking her cigarettes and slowly becoming drunk.  My brother can be very helpful if you need him but he also knows everything...seriously considers himself the expert on everything and everyone. 

     I answered the phone.  My mom wanted to know if I wanted to drive through the park with her and dad to see the Christmas light display.  I had sent a goofy meme to my youngest sister's phone last night and she picked this moment to make a comment.  It was some insulting comment that she thought was funny.  It irritated me.  I made a comment to my mother about how my younger sister did that most of the time and it irritated me.  She told me to  let it go and started giving me some lecture...I cut her off...because now I am REALLY irritated and told her, "I don't walk around hanging on to some irritation all day long!  I am just momentarily irritated by it!"

"Well it is what she does. Just let it go." 

     "I KNOW it is how she  is but that doesn't mean I can't feel irritated by it."
 
     "I had to put up with worse than you.  You know I was the youngest of 7 siblings and I had to put up with a whole lot of insults and I never said anything."

By now I am wanting to scream because she has done it again...competition.  I am not allowed to feel anything about anything because her life was worse. 

    "Maybe you SHOULD have said something!  Maybe they did that because they thought you didn't get that they were insulting you because you didn't say anything!"

     "It would have just made them mad and it wouldn't have changed anything."

      Then my oldest sister sent me a snarky text because she was aggravated that mom had tried calling her and both me and the other sister had sent her texts before she had woken up and had her first cup of coffee. 

     O...M...G!!!!    And I replied, "Well...geeeeez!  Sorry.  Have a fun day" and I have ignored her the rest of the day. 

     My son has gone out of his way today to thank me for trying to make his life easier.  And he was being real.  And it melted my heart that he noticed!  I didn't do it for praise but the idea that someone notices what you are doing just every once in a while just makes you feel just a bit less invisible.

    The language arts teacher I work with messaged me last night as she was finishing up grading writing assignments. She wanted to know if I was also a language arts teacher.  I told her no, I am more of a math person however, writing came easy for me.  I just need to do a refresher every year on the grammar stuff like dangling participles, etc. 

     She said that the other IS in our POD is not and there is a vast difference between the assignments that my SPED kids did compared to hers.  I told her it was nice to hear that my pushing and instruction is doing something. 

      And I am having the HARDEST time making it through this holiday!  I am just depressed and can't shake it.  I am tired of crying.  I do not know what I expect from my life.  I feel stuck. 

     I do not like to think of myself as a victim.  But perhaps Debbie B is right...I have a lot of mental/emotional baggage to take care.  I can't blame it all on the marriage.  It has been getting packed a little at a time all my life.

     I didn't mention my dad.  He doesn't say much but when he does...it is hurtful.  So there...everyone is covered. 

     One thing I have learned...everyone's life is different.  Cookie cutter counseling works for the majority but not everyone.  In the end you have to know what works for you and you have to learn how to heal.  You are responsible for yourself and your choices.  I can listen to friends and family tell me their thoughts and their reactions.  I can offer suggestions as to things that maybe are happening...a different perspective but I try very hard not to tell them they are wrong.  It is not my life and perhaps it will work out for you.  We have to make our own decisions for our own reasons and if it turns out to be a mistake...well...it is now a learning experience.

     I am definitely making my own decisions.  I have no one in my life to bounce things off of.  Sure, I have family members and friends...but no one HERE.  There is a difference. 

     Not sure I ever will again.  I surely will not if I don't make some changes.

Draft time

  I have been going crazy trying to find any little crack or crevice where cold air is sneaking.  I may keep the weather stripping makers in business. 

     I sit here staring at my lighted Christmas tree wondering why I even put it up.  It is me.  I don't think Lucy would care if I had put it up.  It is just something I have to take back down and put away.

     Each school year I find myself dragging a just a bit more.  I am SO thankful I work at home.  Yet, I also realize that it can be a bad thing.  I am afraid I would become a recluse.  Winter, however, is a pretty bad time for me.  SAD.  Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I have a special light but I never noticed any difference.  I go through the winter feeling totally drained.    My muscles hurt.  I think it is a combination of SAD and fibromyalgia. 

     My friend Debbie (one of two Debbies.  so this is Debbie B) messaged me about attending Celebrate Recovery last night. She worries that I am going to be that recluse.  She has been after me about me recovering from mental and emotional abuse.  I was rather shocked when she hit me with that.  I told her I feel that I have worked through most of that and am just stuck at forgiving for how he ended it with me. She jumped on that with both feet. "He made you feel like insignificant.  You are filled with resentment.  You feel like you were stabbed in the back."  hhhmmmmm....well...I am not FILLED with resentment but the stab in the back part.  I just looked at her a minute and said, "He's moved on with another woman and lots of man toys and a big beautiful house and..." "You feel betrayed!  You feel like you got the short end of the stick!"  "noooot really.  I don't care about the house or the woman.  I am fine.  That is who he is.  I do not mind NOT having part of any of that because it would mean having to have him in my life." "But it still must feel like you were betrayed." Again, a moment of silent astonishment.  Why is she trying to make this in to something?  No.

So I gave it one more try.  "The only thing that bothers me is how he treated me...like I was a one night stand that he regretted. And I know it is his make up but does that mean he should be let off the hook?  However, I have to figure out a way to not let that twist me up for the rest of my life."  "You need to come to Recovery!  You don't have to say anything if you don't want to!  Just be around your friends and listen!"

Oh yay.  Listen to whine.  I am trying NOT to whine anymore.  However, the part about being around friends sounded nice.  I know my other friend...the other Debbie (P)...goes to get over HER divorce.  Debbie B is trying to pull herself out of a downward spiral of depression from working at a drug rehab facility for many many years.

BUT....last night was cold and I was tired and under a throw blanket...and it was SO easy to talk myself out of it.   Nothing seems to be stronger than a lack of motivation.  Stay behind me and you can draft in my wake.

And then the bough breaks

    My ex once told me that it felt like I was always on the other side of a wall.  Once he voiced that I tried to let go and open up and FEEL. 

     I have always had a problem of letting myself get too close to people...anyone...because you always get hurt...unless you are totally clueless.  Relationships  end. 

     My marriage ended.  Truthfully I was not happy and I wanted out.  I don't mind the divorce.  I was honest with myself.  It was the way it was ended that upended me.  But one cannot be  martyr forever.
He did it that way...and after 25 years I meant nothing.  He could not have made that more clear.  I was not anything special.

     I know he is a narcissist and it is how he deals.  He decides he wants to change something and doesn't want to deal with anything uncomfortable so he just cuts and runs.  He's done that all of his life.

    Losing other relationships is hard too.  I understand why sometimes they end.  Life gets in the way and everyone has their own life events that overwhelm them.  Also, as people go through these events, it changes them.  It may be your perspective, thoughts, beliefs...and it can change a relationship. 

    No matter how much I have tried to avoid endings, they always find me.  Unfortunately, it affects my depression.  I thought I had found something that took care of the depression problem but it only helped at first.  I have friends here that understand what I am going through and have been trying to get me to join them in group but somedays I feel like all I can manage is my job during the day and then I am crippled.  I realized I have been leaning on others too much and others have a large load of their own things to deal with and certainly do not need me adding to their pile. 

    My son  is floundering also.  It is no longer a matter of IF his marriage will end but WHEN exactly.  I am predicting it will not last until June...and that is being way more than generous.  He was packing to come here last weekend.  They have been fighting for months and she is sliding down a satanic slide.  I talked him in to sticking there for another week to get some things in order.  I gave him a list.   He agreed but he did what I figured he would do...he tried to put a patch on it just to get through Christmas.  His dad is blowing into the area to see him and his sister before he lands at his mother's house for a few days.  TJ is planning on following his dad to his grandmother's house then coming here for a day or 2.  I am not sure how long he will stay.

     He is also struggling with employment.  It has been tough since he was let go from his radio news reporter gig last April.  This gives me the greatest depression/anxiety of all because you want to still fix things for your kids...no matter how old they are.  And you can't.  I could only offer him a room and time to reset his life. 

     Reset your life.  That's all it seems like I have been doing...trying to reset my life.  Find me again.
Find relationships...lose relationships...find ME.  There is no time to fall apart.  You have to be strong for those around you.  You have to be true to yourself.  And if you are making it hard on someone else, you have to be understanding enough to walk away.  It is sad when things break but you can't be part of what breaks.

     There are somedays when I just want to lie in bed under the blanket and not come out for months.