I was singing this morning. Making Thanksgiving Dinner and singing. I was thinking of all of the things I have to be thankful for...
We gathered around the table and there was the kids with their significant others. I enjoyed the dinner. I enjoyed the conversation. Then, TJ and Brittany jumped up and ran off to her dad's house for a small family gathering there. And Bethany and Jordan disappeared to play video games and there I was cleaning up all by myself. And sitting in the livingroom by myself. Alone.
And then the sorrow and sadness crept in. The Darkness had been invited to a dinner at a co-workers where they were trying to fix him up on a blind date. And I am still alone.
I hear people tell me all the time that I am an intelligent sweet person and someone else will come along. That I won't be alone forever. But there are no guarantees. There's lots of nice people that are alone.
I put 25 years of my life into 'him' and my kids. And then 'he' decided he didn't love me anymore. My kids have their own lives and I am alone.
I had a family. I had a husband. And now I am alone. It isn't fair. It just isn't fair. And I don't know what I did. I am sure lots of other people in my position ask the same question...what did I do?
Friday, November 27, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
I Don't Have A Degree in that BUT...
The family that I was upset about a few weeks back...that was getting evicted...
Prayers are a wonderful thing. This mother found help, got a job, and they are all safe, with a roof over their head. She contacted us this morning. I checked on the students' progress and updated their Back on Track plans before I contacted her. In the meantime our school social worker called me. She was of the opinion that the mother was not going to be able to handle all of this and that the kids would be better off in a brick and mortar school...they would be safer and fed.
I think she was surprised that I would not back her in this decision. I told her that:
1) she had not talked to the mom, yet, to find out what all was going on...how stable with the 'roof over their head', did she have other support systems, etc.
2) the middle school boys would not necessarily be better off in an inner city middle school. I told her that she had not actually been in one of those schools and it could be a frightening, harmful environment. My sense of the mother was that she was trying to make schooling and life less frightening for her kids.
Priti seemed a bit agitated with me. I dug my heels in and I told her the whole conversation was moot until we both spoke with the mom.
Priti beat me to it. She called me back and told me that perhaps I had a point. She went through the whole list of all the mother had done to ensure proper schooling and that her kids were being taken care of by her sister while she was at work and that she was on top of what her kids were doing with their classes when she got home from work.
I called the mother and congratulated her on her big turn around. I had already sent emails to her kids giving them all a pat on the back for getting back to their schooling and being responsible.
Life is tough and why can't we have more faith in others?
On the flip side, I had a family that I DID recommend for withdrawal from our school. The mother really wasn't doing her part, the kids were getting farther and farther behind and everytime we reached out and tried to help, she fought us. I tried working with them for the last 2 months and nothing got better. Bye. The biggest piece I did not mention is...she had her kids in the school last year and bucked the system and was abusive to the teachers all year. This year, we have a different system that helps us weed out the difficult ones that refuse to do as they should. One of the students' teachers called me to thank me.
Kinda like The Darkness. He can make things seem better for a while but...he is who he is. He IS trying to step up and help TJ and Brit with gathering what they need for their first place. He keeps suggesting ways he wants to help me...or things he can do for me. I really am not interested in that. But if he wants to help his son then good.
I think when he is here over the holidays, I will do a 'forgiveness burial' with him. I want to move on. I want him to move on. This may help us both.
Totally unrelated: I joined the school Walker Tracker Challenge. I have to walk 3 miles a day every day until Christmas. I shall try to rise to the challenge. Wish me luck.
Prayers are a wonderful thing. This mother found help, got a job, and they are all safe, with a roof over their head. She contacted us this morning. I checked on the students' progress and updated their Back on Track plans before I contacted her. In the meantime our school social worker called me. She was of the opinion that the mother was not going to be able to handle all of this and that the kids would be better off in a brick and mortar school...they would be safer and fed.
I think she was surprised that I would not back her in this decision. I told her that:
1) she had not talked to the mom, yet, to find out what all was going on...how stable with the 'roof over their head', did she have other support systems, etc.
2) the middle school boys would not necessarily be better off in an inner city middle school. I told her that she had not actually been in one of those schools and it could be a frightening, harmful environment. My sense of the mother was that she was trying to make schooling and life less frightening for her kids.
Priti seemed a bit agitated with me. I dug my heels in and I told her the whole conversation was moot until we both spoke with the mom.
Priti beat me to it. She called me back and told me that perhaps I had a point. She went through the whole list of all the mother had done to ensure proper schooling and that her kids were being taken care of by her sister while she was at work and that she was on top of what her kids were doing with their classes when she got home from work.
I called the mother and congratulated her on her big turn around. I had already sent emails to her kids giving them all a pat on the back for getting back to their schooling and being responsible.
Life is tough and why can't we have more faith in others?
On the flip side, I had a family that I DID recommend for withdrawal from our school. The mother really wasn't doing her part, the kids were getting farther and farther behind and everytime we reached out and tried to help, she fought us. I tried working with them for the last 2 months and nothing got better. Bye. The biggest piece I did not mention is...she had her kids in the school last year and bucked the system and was abusive to the teachers all year. This year, we have a different system that helps us weed out the difficult ones that refuse to do as they should. One of the students' teachers called me to thank me.
Kinda like The Darkness. He can make things seem better for a while but...he is who he is. He IS trying to step up and help TJ and Brit with gathering what they need for their first place. He keeps suggesting ways he wants to help me...or things he can do for me. I really am not interested in that. But if he wants to help his son then good.
I think when he is here over the holidays, I will do a 'forgiveness burial' with him. I want to move on. I want him to move on. This may help us both.
Totally unrelated: I joined the school Walker Tracker Challenge. I have to walk 3 miles a day every day until Christmas. I shall try to rise to the challenge. Wish me luck.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Letting Go of Habits
Christmas is tough. When I was a kid growing up at home, Christmas meant decorating not only the house but the church as well. Then there was the many many Christmas program practices. Even when I was a teenager, we practiced with the adult chorus and I played in the orchestra as well.
It was the Nativity Christmas story over and over. Sometimes, there was a little bit of a Christmas play with more modern day characters in it as well. It was tradition and habit. It was what I knew. What I could count on.
Then everyone got older, moved away, the church population dwindled. I got married and moved around. Things were not like that for my kids. They learned the Christmas story and I made sure they knew what Christmas was always about. We eventually found a church for all of us to attend and they learned from them too.
Christmas traditions were more family oriented. There was the cookie baking each year, packing them up and giving them to friends and neighbors. They helped me decorate the house. There was the present shopping and wrapping. There was even gingerbread houses to be made and they decorated theirs and gave them to their teachers as gifts. They were always so surprised that anyone made those anymore. We got pictures from them afterwards of their families 'enjoying' the gingerbread house after Christmas.
But things are different. The family is blown apart. Soon TJ will be moving out and he and his fiancee will be making their own Christmas traditions. Then in another 2 years, Bethany will probably be moving on and she and Jordan (?) will make their traditions.
I hate the changes. They are part of life but I hate them all the same. I am so glad that I included my kids in so much. I have lots of great memories.
It is difficult for me to sit here now and try to imagine my future. I thought I had one I had a foot hold on. I know that The Darkness and I had problems. But somehow I saw us still together in the future...no matter how much I complained, I still hung on. Now my future is faceless...and fuzzy. I am not even sure if there is anyone there. People tell me I will find someone but there are no guarantees. I may not.
The one thing about marriage is I was someone's wife. I had a husband. I had a whole family. I had something to 'work' with.
Don't get me wrong...living with 'crazy' is not a great way to live. And I know that I imagined a future with him that was better when the truth of the matter is there was not going to be 'better'.
It is not HIM that I am having trouble with as far as letting go...it is the future I had planned in my head. I am an anxious person and there have been way too many changes in my life. My anxiety makes me seem not so stable myself and I have been criticized for my choices and hanging on to something I shouldn't. But there are lots of days when it just seems like I am literally holding myself together with rubberbands and chewing gum. I liked buying this house and settling in it. I imagined being here for a very long time and having someone to grow old with. The kids would always have a place to visit.
My mother has never truly gotten used to all of us leaving. Every once in a while she mentions about the economy and she says, "you all might have to move back! We could turn the basement into more bedrooms and we could put in another bathroom." I am not that bad. I like seeing my kids grow up and go out into the world. It is as it should be. And, yes, I am nervous for them because it is never easy but they can do it. I am here if they need a shoulder. And if things get really bad, they know they have somewhere to land for a while. But, I don't wish them to HAVE to come back.
I think most people seek that comfort zone...place where they can feel stability. While I have this roof over my head and that should help me feel stability, it is the world around me that is making things feel not so calm.
One day at a time. I thank God everyday for being there with me through it all and being my leaning post/my comfort zone. I thank Him for the job I have now. I needed this. I know if I just relax and trust He will guide my future and it will all be good. I just don't know if the future He knows will be good for me includes someone else.
It was the Nativity Christmas story over and over. Sometimes, there was a little bit of a Christmas play with more modern day characters in it as well. It was tradition and habit. It was what I knew. What I could count on.
Then everyone got older, moved away, the church population dwindled. I got married and moved around. Things were not like that for my kids. They learned the Christmas story and I made sure they knew what Christmas was always about. We eventually found a church for all of us to attend and they learned from them too.
Christmas traditions were more family oriented. There was the cookie baking each year, packing them up and giving them to friends and neighbors. They helped me decorate the house. There was the present shopping and wrapping. There was even gingerbread houses to be made and they decorated theirs and gave them to their teachers as gifts. They were always so surprised that anyone made those anymore. We got pictures from them afterwards of their families 'enjoying' the gingerbread house after Christmas.
But things are different. The family is blown apart. Soon TJ will be moving out and he and his fiancee will be making their own Christmas traditions. Then in another 2 years, Bethany will probably be moving on and she and Jordan (?) will make their traditions.
I hate the changes. They are part of life but I hate them all the same. I am so glad that I included my kids in so much. I have lots of great memories.
It is difficult for me to sit here now and try to imagine my future. I thought I had one I had a foot hold on. I know that The Darkness and I had problems. But somehow I saw us still together in the future...no matter how much I complained, I still hung on. Now my future is faceless...and fuzzy. I am not even sure if there is anyone there. People tell me I will find someone but there are no guarantees. I may not.
The one thing about marriage is I was someone's wife. I had a husband. I had a whole family. I had something to 'work' with.
Don't get me wrong...living with 'crazy' is not a great way to live. And I know that I imagined a future with him that was better when the truth of the matter is there was not going to be 'better'.
It is not HIM that I am having trouble with as far as letting go...it is the future I had planned in my head. I am an anxious person and there have been way too many changes in my life. My anxiety makes me seem not so stable myself and I have been criticized for my choices and hanging on to something I shouldn't. But there are lots of days when it just seems like I am literally holding myself together with rubberbands and chewing gum. I liked buying this house and settling in it. I imagined being here for a very long time and having someone to grow old with. The kids would always have a place to visit.
My mother has never truly gotten used to all of us leaving. Every once in a while she mentions about the economy and she says, "you all might have to move back! We could turn the basement into more bedrooms and we could put in another bathroom." I am not that bad. I like seeing my kids grow up and go out into the world. It is as it should be. And, yes, I am nervous for them because it is never easy but they can do it. I am here if they need a shoulder. And if things get really bad, they know they have somewhere to land for a while. But, I don't wish them to HAVE to come back.
I think most people seek that comfort zone...place where they can feel stability. While I have this roof over my head and that should help me feel stability, it is the world around me that is making things feel not so calm.
One day at a time. I thank God everyday for being there with me through it all and being my leaning post/my comfort zone. I thank Him for the job I have now. I needed this. I know if I just relax and trust He will guide my future and it will all be good. I just don't know if the future He knows will be good for me includes someone else.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
SMH
I was doing good with my job today. I finally got my data base tweaked to where it works like I need it too. I have all the info I need right in one place. No more opening up multiple pages of student info just to find out all what I need to know. I had a meeting with my lead. She went down through my students and because I had my handy dandy database up and tweaked it took me no time at all to answer her questions which saved lots of time. Meeting short, sweet and to the point.
In the last 2 days I have had to go back and educate 2 different families in how things work and what they are doing wrong.
I am in communication overload. So what am I doing on here? Well...let me tell you.
I got a call in the latter part of the afternoon from my ex MIL. I thought it was unusual because she doesn't really call me. Why should she? I hesitated and contemplated...but ultimately I answered it. She told me that Troy (The Darkness) asked her to call me and tell me that he REALLY needed me to call him and that it was really important that he speak with me. She said that he said it is something VERY important. I told her, "it better be an emergency." She didn't say anything. I sighed and said, "fine" We chit chatted a bit. Then I called him.
I will tell you what...he is totally out of his mind.
He started to tell me how all the things he said to me last Thursday and Friday were not 'real'. He was not back with her..he just was saying that stuff because he was having a difficult time with her and she owed him money. But now he has his money and she is totally gone from his life and will never be in it again. Sorry he hurt me...knows we can't get back together...but wants to be 'friends'.
Here's the thing...I have been wrangling with the 'forgiveness' part. I wrote about that in a previous post. But then, I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald about forgiveness. He said, "you can forgive and not be an enabler." And the way he explained it gave me that 'aha' moment. It went along with my 'aha' moment where I realized I had no reason to have him in my life anymore...I didn't have to communicate with him. So, I can forgive him but not give him anymore chances to do it again. Yep...I can handle that.
I have also been training myself not to go back and think about the past...the wrongs, the rights...it is all the past. Move on. Do not dig up and carry around that old sack of rotten potatoes anymore. God put this thought into my head: those 25 years of marriage to him were miserable BUT they weren't totally wasted years because I have LOTS of great memories with my kids. I AM grateful for his financial support so that I could stay home with them and raise them and do so many great things with them.
Now...back to the conversation. I told him that I do not know if I can be friends with him ever. I told him that he lied to me so many times, changed his story, manipulated me that I did not trust a word out of his mouth and frankly I just did not want to deal with it anymore. I told him that he told me he just wanted to make a life so go make it. I am trying to make a life for myself. I told him that he had told me after the divorce that I needed to quit communicating, get over it and move on.
He said, "Well, that wasn't all me." I just skipped right over that. He is a grown ass man. He should be able to make up his own mind. He is still trying to blame everyone else around him for all that happened and for his decisions.
Then when he realized I wasn't giving in and softening up, he started to get aggravated about something that I pointed out that he had done in our marriage...towards our son, more than once...that caused me to lose respect for him. He was trying to rewrite history and, of course, true to form, get me to believe my memory of events was skewed. He was getting angry and I abruptly said, "Well, you are getting angry, this conversation is over. I will see you Christmas. Good bye." and hung up.
I am NOT taking the block off my phone. I am NOT taking the blocks off of my emails. He can sit and stew in his own juice.
He kept saying that he knew I was angry and thought of him as the enemy. To which I said, "I am not angry. I don't think of you as the enemy. I just don't care and I don't think of you."
I am not doing or saying this to hurt him. I just want him to leave. He divorced me. I felt badly for no reason. I am over it all now and I can have a better life. And if I end up never having anyone else in my life, then so be it. If I end up living in a one room hovel by myself, then so be it. It is my life to work with and I would rather be without him than with him.
In the last 2 days I have had to go back and educate 2 different families in how things work and what they are doing wrong.
I am in communication overload. So what am I doing on here? Well...let me tell you.
I got a call in the latter part of the afternoon from my ex MIL. I thought it was unusual because she doesn't really call me. Why should she? I hesitated and contemplated...but ultimately I answered it. She told me that Troy (The Darkness) asked her to call me and tell me that he REALLY needed me to call him and that it was really important that he speak with me. She said that he said it is something VERY important. I told her, "it better be an emergency." She didn't say anything. I sighed and said, "fine" We chit chatted a bit. Then I called him.
I will tell you what...he is totally out of his mind.
He started to tell me how all the things he said to me last Thursday and Friday were not 'real'. He was not back with her..he just was saying that stuff because he was having a difficult time with her and she owed him money. But now he has his money and she is totally gone from his life and will never be in it again. Sorry he hurt me...knows we can't get back together...but wants to be 'friends'.
Here's the thing...I have been wrangling with the 'forgiveness' part. I wrote about that in a previous post. But then, I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald about forgiveness. He said, "you can forgive and not be an enabler." And the way he explained it gave me that 'aha' moment. It went along with my 'aha' moment where I realized I had no reason to have him in my life anymore...I didn't have to communicate with him. So, I can forgive him but not give him anymore chances to do it again. Yep...I can handle that.
I have also been training myself not to go back and think about the past...the wrongs, the rights...it is all the past. Move on. Do not dig up and carry around that old sack of rotten potatoes anymore. God put this thought into my head: those 25 years of marriage to him were miserable BUT they weren't totally wasted years because I have LOTS of great memories with my kids. I AM grateful for his financial support so that I could stay home with them and raise them and do so many great things with them.
Now...back to the conversation. I told him that I do not know if I can be friends with him ever. I told him that he lied to me so many times, changed his story, manipulated me that I did not trust a word out of his mouth and frankly I just did not want to deal with it anymore. I told him that he told me he just wanted to make a life so go make it. I am trying to make a life for myself. I told him that he had told me after the divorce that I needed to quit communicating, get over it and move on.
He said, "Well, that wasn't all me." I just skipped right over that. He is a grown ass man. He should be able to make up his own mind. He is still trying to blame everyone else around him for all that happened and for his decisions.
Then when he realized I wasn't giving in and softening up, he started to get aggravated about something that I pointed out that he had done in our marriage...towards our son, more than once...that caused me to lose respect for him. He was trying to rewrite history and, of course, true to form, get me to believe my memory of events was skewed. He was getting angry and I abruptly said, "Well, you are getting angry, this conversation is over. I will see you Christmas. Good bye." and hung up.
I am NOT taking the block off my phone. I am NOT taking the blocks off of my emails. He can sit and stew in his own juice.
He kept saying that he knew I was angry and thought of him as the enemy. To which I said, "I am not angry. I don't think of you as the enemy. I just don't care and I don't think of you."
I am not doing or saying this to hurt him. I just want him to leave. He divorced me. I felt badly for no reason. I am over it all now and I can have a better life. And if I end up never having anyone else in my life, then so be it. If I end up living in a one room hovel by myself, then so be it. It is my life to work with and I would rather be without him than with him.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
And Then There Was Light
I have been dancing and singing most of the weekend.
I have gotten my Thanksgiving dinner organized. I have a lot of the Christmas presents taken care of. And today I scored a used table and chairs set for my son and his fiancee for their first apartment. It cost me a whole $40. It is going to be a joint Christmas present.
I am looking forward to my week off for Thanksgiving because I have so much I can accomplish around the house! Seriously doing some rearranging and fixing of things. Yes...I...am!!!
I was going to do more than I did today BUT it was sunny and warm and after picking up the table and chairs...and hiding it at Jordan's...I meandered around the holiday deco section at the Menard's store. I was getting decoration ideas. I saw some things that made me go, "REALLY? How much do they want for that? I can make it myself...and better." I have pine cones and sticks. I refuse to pay someone $20 for a star made out of sticks with a bit of fake greenery and pine cones glued to it. Or poinsettias made out of burlap and sprayed red.
I have been taking probiotics for almost a week now and my jeans are fitting like they should again. I have not weighed myself. I don't want to. If my jeans start to feel looser I will. I still have to work my DDP Yoga into the equation. I need the strength.
Life is going to get better. It is better all ready. I feel like I was just set free from a bad habit. It is as if...someone turned the light on! And even those descriptions do not describe how I feel. I have no words. I just know it is awesome. Thank you God for sticking with me. Light the way and I will follow.
I have gotten my Thanksgiving dinner organized. I have a lot of the Christmas presents taken care of. And today I scored a used table and chairs set for my son and his fiancee for their first apartment. It cost me a whole $40. It is going to be a joint Christmas present.
I am looking forward to my week off for Thanksgiving because I have so much I can accomplish around the house! Seriously doing some rearranging and fixing of things. Yes...I...am!!!
I was going to do more than I did today BUT it was sunny and warm and after picking up the table and chairs...and hiding it at Jordan's...I meandered around the holiday deco section at the Menard's store. I was getting decoration ideas. I saw some things that made me go, "REALLY? How much do they want for that? I can make it myself...and better." I have pine cones and sticks. I refuse to pay someone $20 for a star made out of sticks with a bit of fake greenery and pine cones glued to it. Or poinsettias made out of burlap and sprayed red.
I have been taking probiotics for almost a week now and my jeans are fitting like they should again. I have not weighed myself. I don't want to. If my jeans start to feel looser I will. I still have to work my DDP Yoga into the equation. I need the strength.
Life is going to get better. It is better all ready. I feel like I was just set free from a bad habit. It is as if...someone turned the light on! And even those descriptions do not describe how I feel. I have no words. I just know it is awesome. Thank you God for sticking with me. Light the way and I will follow.
Go Peddle Caring Somewhere Else
Evil Spawn's name has been changed to "The Darkness". Dark for short.
Dark spoke with both of OUR kids. I told them he was going to call them and be manipulative. He will make all kinds of excuses and expect that they will believe him. Therefore, if they have an opinion or thought about anything, they need to make sure they tell him so he doesn't falsely believe he is manipulating anyone.
Well...they DID tell him. And every excuse he lobbed at them they threw back in his face. I was most surprised at my daughter because she REALLY let him have it.
He kept telling the kids that he knew I wasn't talking to him because I was mad at him. He wanted them to tell me things but they told him they were not going to relay anything he had to say because I had heard it and it meant nothing.
So, I wrote him one more, LAST, email and explained to him it wasn't anger that had made me block him from my phone or my email...it was how he treated me and his choices. I was not friends with people that treated me the way he did. I no longer cared about him at all because he had finally killed off any feelings I had for him in anyway. I am not angry with him because that would mean I care in someway...and I don't. There is no reason for us to communicate. The kids are adults and he can talk to them and they could contact him themselves if they wanted to. We are divorced so I have no reason to want to talk to him or communicate.
And I honestly have no desire to communicate or care what the feck he is doing or with whom. I told him I do not care if he is happy, miserable, alive or dead. And, I don't . If someone told me today that he fell over dead, I would shrug. I would not cry or feel like I should go to his funeral. I simply do not care.
It is weird. I do not know who he is. I thought I did but the truth of it is that he was just pretending. That must have just killed him. But...he evidently was miserable and I know I was. So...what is the point? There is none.
I told him "do not care about me. Do not keep a spot in your heart or mind for me. I do not need your help. Do not buy me a Christmas present. I am not buying you anything." He had told our son he was going to buy me something and call it a 'house present'...like he did last year.
If he buys me something I will hand it back. I do not want it. He told the kids he is going to be in town Christmas Eve and checking into a hotel then he will be here early Christmas morning. I am changing the frequency on the garage door opener and the code on the key pad opener. He still has a button in his car that is programmed to the garage door opener. As far as I know he does not have a key to the front door.
If he wants to see the kids on Christmas he will have to knock on the door and let me invite him in, like a guest. I really don't want him to ruin my Christmas but the only way he can do that is if I care.
Dark spoke with both of OUR kids. I told them he was going to call them and be manipulative. He will make all kinds of excuses and expect that they will believe him. Therefore, if they have an opinion or thought about anything, they need to make sure they tell him so he doesn't falsely believe he is manipulating anyone.
Well...they DID tell him. And every excuse he lobbed at them they threw back in his face. I was most surprised at my daughter because she REALLY let him have it.
He kept telling the kids that he knew I wasn't talking to him because I was mad at him. He wanted them to tell me things but they told him they were not going to relay anything he had to say because I had heard it and it meant nothing.
So, I wrote him one more, LAST, email and explained to him it wasn't anger that had made me block him from my phone or my email...it was how he treated me and his choices. I was not friends with people that treated me the way he did. I no longer cared about him at all because he had finally killed off any feelings I had for him in anyway. I am not angry with him because that would mean I care in someway...and I don't. There is no reason for us to communicate. The kids are adults and he can talk to them and they could contact him themselves if they wanted to. We are divorced so I have no reason to want to talk to him or communicate.
And I honestly have no desire to communicate or care what the feck he is doing or with whom. I told him I do not care if he is happy, miserable, alive or dead. And, I don't . If someone told me today that he fell over dead, I would shrug. I would not cry or feel like I should go to his funeral. I simply do not care.
It is weird. I do not know who he is. I thought I did but the truth of it is that he was just pretending. That must have just killed him. But...he evidently was miserable and I know I was. So...what is the point? There is none.
I told him "do not care about me. Do not keep a spot in your heart or mind for me. I do not need your help. Do not buy me a Christmas present. I am not buying you anything." He had told our son he was going to buy me something and call it a 'house present'...like he did last year.
If he buys me something I will hand it back. I do not want it. He told the kids he is going to be in town Christmas Eve and checking into a hotel then he will be here early Christmas morning. I am changing the frequency on the garage door opener and the code on the key pad opener. He still has a button in his car that is programmed to the garage door opener. As far as I know he does not have a key to the front door.
If he wants to see the kids on Christmas he will have to knock on the door and let me invite him in, like a guest. I really don't want him to ruin my Christmas but the only way he can do that is if I care.
Friday, November 13, 2015
To Err is Human...
This has been a horrible week. Horrible. Starting with David's death, followed by the single mom with 3 adolescent kids evicted from their home...
Thursday was a day of conferences and phone calls. There is a mother that has been so angry and refuses to talk to the other Family Academic Support Liaison for her young daughter or any of her kids' teachers...she will only talk to me. I do not know why but...
I have been having such a difficult time with her. She gets angry, then she's nice, then angry, then nice and to day she finally spilled it...she and the kids' dad have been having problems for weeks and she and the kids are moving out this week. I kind of wondered about the whole thing because there is his FB page with him and his adolescent behaviour on it...no pic with her in it. One pic of the kids with ice cream cones. (yes, we stalk the FB when we have tough cases...looking for clues to understand what we are dealing with).
I had a truancy case hearing followed right up with a call from Evil Spawn. I really have no words. After all the trouble...
Oh feck...he is back with the bipolar nut job. I told him I would let his kids know he will not be here for Christmas. He started to object and I told him to save it. He would not have to come up with some lame excuse.
I will not bore you with the details of how I got him to confess...let's just say it was a day of txt messages that raised the red flags in me brain...and some words from a friend...familiar behavior. I know the pattern.
So...it is official. I blocked him from my phone. I will not talk to him. I told the kids IF he would call their phones and tell them to tell me he wants to talk to me, they are to tell him that unless it is some extreme life threatening emergency, I will not talk to him...even then I will have to think about it. I will not read his emails. I will set them to go straight to the spam folder so I can empty it without looking.
I was really angry at first. I thought I was angry at him but then I realized that it wasn't him I was angry at. I expected something like this from him...I was waiting for his NEXT gf. I way underestimated the time he would be alone...not sure he has been alone. However, I did think he would find someone new. The one I was angry at was me...for letting down my guard and thinking he was going to be different and we could be friends. I am the definition of insanity.
"I have learned my lesson! It will be a very long time before I let anyone in my life again!"
I did not know a VERY LONG TIME was less than 2 weeks. Good to know...taking mental notes.
I had JUST said to my daughter this morning that he was slowly fading from my days. I told her I knew he would find someone else and all of his 'sweetness' towards me was only because he had been in an uncomfortable position.
But I can now say...he literally sickens me. And I am upset because 25 years with him made absolutely NO difference in him. It is as if our marriage was a brief stutter step in his life. And I am upset that I wasted all of that time...those years.
And I am still lonely. I am sick and tired of being lonely! I am a kind, decent, uncrazy, trustworthy person with a big caring heart. Here I am...alone.
It isn't that I am ungrateful for the turnaround in my life so far. But...lonely sucks.
Thursday was a day of conferences and phone calls. There is a mother that has been so angry and refuses to talk to the other Family Academic Support Liaison for her young daughter or any of her kids' teachers...she will only talk to me. I do not know why but...
I have been having such a difficult time with her. She gets angry, then she's nice, then angry, then nice and to day she finally spilled it...she and the kids' dad have been having problems for weeks and she and the kids are moving out this week. I kind of wondered about the whole thing because there is his FB page with him and his adolescent behaviour on it...no pic with her in it. One pic of the kids with ice cream cones. (yes, we stalk the FB when we have tough cases...looking for clues to understand what we are dealing with).
I had a truancy case hearing followed right up with a call from Evil Spawn. I really have no words. After all the trouble...
Oh feck...he is back with the bipolar nut job. I told him I would let his kids know he will not be here for Christmas. He started to object and I told him to save it. He would not have to come up with some lame excuse.
I will not bore you with the details of how I got him to confess...let's just say it was a day of txt messages that raised the red flags in me brain...and some words from a friend...familiar behavior. I know the pattern.
So...it is official. I blocked him from my phone. I will not talk to him. I told the kids IF he would call their phones and tell them to tell me he wants to talk to me, they are to tell him that unless it is some extreme life threatening emergency, I will not talk to him...even then I will have to think about it. I will not read his emails. I will set them to go straight to the spam folder so I can empty it without looking.
I was really angry at first. I thought I was angry at him but then I realized that it wasn't him I was angry at. I expected something like this from him...I was waiting for his NEXT gf. I way underestimated the time he would be alone...not sure he has been alone. However, I did think he would find someone new. The one I was angry at was me...for letting down my guard and thinking he was going to be different and we could be friends. I am the definition of insanity.
"I have learned my lesson! It will be a very long time before I let anyone in my life again!"
I did not know a VERY LONG TIME was less than 2 weeks. Good to know...taking mental notes.
I had JUST said to my daughter this morning that he was slowly fading from my days. I told her I knew he would find someone else and all of his 'sweetness' towards me was only because he had been in an uncomfortable position.
But I can now say...he literally sickens me. And I am upset because 25 years with him made absolutely NO difference in him. It is as if our marriage was a brief stutter step in his life. And I am upset that I wasted all of that time...those years.
And I am still lonely. I am sick and tired of being lonely! I am a kind, decent, uncrazy, trustworthy person with a big caring heart. Here I am...alone.
It isn't that I am ungrateful for the turnaround in my life so far. But...lonely sucks.
Monday, November 9, 2015
The Heartbreaks Around You
I woke up Sunday morning feeling satisfied with the clean house that I worked so hard to achieve the day before. And I actually slept for 8 hours...straight! As I sat down in my chair with my coffee I picked up my phone and looked at my FB app on. I saw I had a message request...which meant someone that was not on my friend list had sent a request to message me and had already sent me a message.
I groaned because the last one I opened was a string of nasty messages supposedly from a 'friend' of Evil Spawn's Thug Life ex girlfriend. I had copied all of those, pasted them in an email and sent them to him. He called me and apologized all over the place for it and I interrupted him with, "I really could not care less what those Jerry Springer contestants have to say about me. Do you think I give a rat's tail if one of them keeps calling me a "feckin' bitch"? I just wanted to share the 'fun' with you because why should I be the only one to have to read it. After all, I was not the one that invited that crap into my life. Besides the fact that there are some things there that sounds like you were making fun of me to them because it is personal stuff." He swore up one side and down the other that he had not done that...that they were just throwing stuff out there and hoped something would hit. Sure. And I am the REAL Lorelei Gilmore.
I clicked on the invite while squinting my eyes. But it was a name that was somehow familiar to me. I opened the message and it took a while for it to make sense and sink in. Then I quit breathing. My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach and quit beating. The message was from the sister of my friend David. She said that since I had meant so much to David and he and I were such good friends she wanted to let me know that he had fallen and hit his head the day before, had a frontal lobe hematoma and passed away without gaining conciousness.
I thought, This has got to be a bad, cruel joke! How could that have happened?
I went to his FB page and found an announcement in Spanish from the woman in Brazil that had been his foreign exchange student sister when we were in HS. She had posted her grief over the death of her American 'brother'.
His sister Janet had given me her number. I called it and got her VM. I left her a message through sobs telling her how shocked and sorry I am. I thanked her for letting me know and my prayers are with the family.
I did a lot of crying that day. I have still done a bit today. I am still in disbelief mode. It doesn't seem real. I will never hear his voice on the other end of the phone poking fun of the Democrats and wanting to debate about the Republican 'contenders'. I remember the night he called and talked for 3 hours because he needed a friend to be there...his wife had filed for divorce and was putting him through the wringer. Btw...she and his daughter were by his side in the hospital as he slipped away. I am wondering what sort of things are going through her head?
He was energetic and had an enthusiasm for life. He was always a good sport to take a good ribbing over a not well thought out comment. He was a lover of Charlie Brown and all of the Peanuts gang. He likened himself to Charlie Brown.
Then today, I spoke to a mother that I and the teachers of her 3 adolescents had been trying to reach for weeks because the kids were not doing much school work. She had not logged in and put in the attendance or responded to requests for contact. She was crying...she had been taking care of her ill mother. She and the kids were living with her. The mother had died and there was no income. They had been given an eviction notice.
I called our resource officer and gave her the story and the woman's number.
I can't imagine and I do not want to have to know what that is like.
I know that I am blessed. I may not be where I had thought I would be but I am not on the street.
I groaned because the last one I opened was a string of nasty messages supposedly from a 'friend' of Evil Spawn's Thug Life ex girlfriend. I had copied all of those, pasted them in an email and sent them to him. He called me and apologized all over the place for it and I interrupted him with, "I really could not care less what those Jerry Springer contestants have to say about me. Do you think I give a rat's tail if one of them keeps calling me a "feckin' bitch"? I just wanted to share the 'fun' with you because why should I be the only one to have to read it. After all, I was not the one that invited that crap into my life. Besides the fact that there are some things there that sounds like you were making fun of me to them because it is personal stuff." He swore up one side and down the other that he had not done that...that they were just throwing stuff out there and hoped something would hit. Sure. And I am the REAL Lorelei Gilmore.
I clicked on the invite while squinting my eyes. But it was a name that was somehow familiar to me. I opened the message and it took a while for it to make sense and sink in. Then I quit breathing. My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach and quit beating. The message was from the sister of my friend David. She said that since I had meant so much to David and he and I were such good friends she wanted to let me know that he had fallen and hit his head the day before, had a frontal lobe hematoma and passed away without gaining conciousness.
I thought, This has got to be a bad, cruel joke! How could that have happened?
I went to his FB page and found an announcement in Spanish from the woman in Brazil that had been his foreign exchange student sister when we were in HS. She had posted her grief over the death of her American 'brother'.
His sister Janet had given me her number. I called it and got her VM. I left her a message through sobs telling her how shocked and sorry I am. I thanked her for letting me know and my prayers are with the family.
I did a lot of crying that day. I have still done a bit today. I am still in disbelief mode. It doesn't seem real. I will never hear his voice on the other end of the phone poking fun of the Democrats and wanting to debate about the Republican 'contenders'. I remember the night he called and talked for 3 hours because he needed a friend to be there...his wife had filed for divorce and was putting him through the wringer. Btw...she and his daughter were by his side in the hospital as he slipped away. I am wondering what sort of things are going through her head?
He was energetic and had an enthusiasm for life. He was always a good sport to take a good ribbing over a not well thought out comment. He was a lover of Charlie Brown and all of the Peanuts gang. He likened himself to Charlie Brown.
Then today, I spoke to a mother that I and the teachers of her 3 adolescents had been trying to reach for weeks because the kids were not doing much school work. She had not logged in and put in the attendance or responded to requests for contact. She was crying...she had been taking care of her ill mother. She and the kids were living with her. The mother had died and there was no income. They had been given an eviction notice.
I called our resource officer and gave her the story and the woman's number.
I can't imagine and I do not want to have to know what that is like.
I know that I am blessed. I may not be where I had thought I would be but I am not on the street.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
A Different Angle
I must admit I have a problem with forgiveness in some situations.
How do you forgive someone that you have had some sort of relationship with for many, many years...you know them, you care about them, you trust them, they know your secrets...and then they do something hurtful, ON PURPOSE.
I am not just speaking of Evil Spawn. I am talking about ANY relationship, including family members.
I know you have to work on it...pray about it. The hardest part of forgiveness is not being able to forget it. Is it really forgiving if you still remember it and it conjures hurt everytime?
It also sometimes seems like if you forgive, it is like telling yourself that these people should be given another chance that may result in them hurting you again.
I have come to this conclusion about that: You should turn the other cheek but it does not mean to stand close enough to let them slap the other one.
Can you forgive and still not trust? Trust and forgiveness are 2 different things. I can forgive yet not be able to trust that person again...and for good reason. You do NOT have to give that person another chance to abuse you/hurt you.
You can forgive and walk away.
So, yes, now bringing this back to Evil Spawn. I have been struggling with forgiving him. If I forgive him does that mean I am saying it is okay what he did and that I value myself very little?
No. He has his faults. He is not like me. I was not perfect and I was not the best wife either. I complained a lot. I felt hurt by him a lot and I got tired of arguing with him over everything so I was kind of passive aggressive in my dealings also.
And right now, here are the conclusions I have come to:
1) I did not make him happy. He did not make me happy. We shouldn't have had to MAKE each other happy but because our lives were not exactly what we wanted, we blamed it on each other.
2) I am not sure we could have ever rectified that. We may have always been a bad match and we needed to be with someone else.
3) He has become very anxious. What I mean by that is he is unable to deal with the conflicts of life. If it is something that he must battle with, he shuts right down. He used to face things head on...until he would feel overloaded then he would shut down and find the closest exit point. It made no difference to him if it caused problems for anyone else because he was so overwhelmed.
I would have understood and been able to deal IF he had been able to admit it to me AND if, after it was 'over', he did not act as if nothing happened and picked at all of us around him as if we are the screw ups.
4) He is still pushing things off and acting as if HE if just fine but everyone and everything around him are what is messing up his happiness.
5) I can forgive him...yet it makes me feel like I am telling myself that I don't matter. I have to pray for wisdom on how to reconcile that. I also know that by forgiving him it does not mean I am saying I want him back in my life all the way. He will always be there to a certain extent because of the kids, but I don't want him all the way back in. I believe we are a bad fit. I may not find anyone else to share my life...ever...but I will deal with that on a day to day basis.
I need more prayer time. I need to accept him for who he is, and forgive what he has done. I also need to believe that I am not short changing myself in the process.
How do you forgive someone that you have had some sort of relationship with for many, many years...you know them, you care about them, you trust them, they know your secrets...and then they do something hurtful, ON PURPOSE.
I am not just speaking of Evil Spawn. I am talking about ANY relationship, including family members.
I know you have to work on it...pray about it. The hardest part of forgiveness is not being able to forget it. Is it really forgiving if you still remember it and it conjures hurt everytime?
It also sometimes seems like if you forgive, it is like telling yourself that these people should be given another chance that may result in them hurting you again.
I have come to this conclusion about that: You should turn the other cheek but it does not mean to stand close enough to let them slap the other one.
Can you forgive and still not trust? Trust and forgiveness are 2 different things. I can forgive yet not be able to trust that person again...and for good reason. You do NOT have to give that person another chance to abuse you/hurt you.
You can forgive and walk away.
So, yes, now bringing this back to Evil Spawn. I have been struggling with forgiving him. If I forgive him does that mean I am saying it is okay what he did and that I value myself very little?
No. He has his faults. He is not like me. I was not perfect and I was not the best wife either. I complained a lot. I felt hurt by him a lot and I got tired of arguing with him over everything so I was kind of passive aggressive in my dealings also.
And right now, here are the conclusions I have come to:
1) I did not make him happy. He did not make me happy. We shouldn't have had to MAKE each other happy but because our lives were not exactly what we wanted, we blamed it on each other.
2) I am not sure we could have ever rectified that. We may have always been a bad match and we needed to be with someone else.
3) He has become very anxious. What I mean by that is he is unable to deal with the conflicts of life. If it is something that he must battle with, he shuts right down. He used to face things head on...until he would feel overloaded then he would shut down and find the closest exit point. It made no difference to him if it caused problems for anyone else because he was so overwhelmed.
I would have understood and been able to deal IF he had been able to admit it to me AND if, after it was 'over', he did not act as if nothing happened and picked at all of us around him as if we are the screw ups.
4) He is still pushing things off and acting as if HE if just fine but everyone and everything around him are what is messing up his happiness.
5) I can forgive him...yet it makes me feel like I am telling myself that I don't matter. I have to pray for wisdom on how to reconcile that. I also know that by forgiving him it does not mean I am saying I want him back in my life all the way. He will always be there to a certain extent because of the kids, but I don't want him all the way back in. I believe we are a bad fit. I may not find anyone else to share my life...ever...but I will deal with that on a day to day basis.
I need more prayer time. I need to accept him for who he is, and forgive what he has done. I also need to believe that I am not short changing myself in the process.
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