Listen up

I have gone through a lot of changes and inner rearranging.

I have been feeling better about myself in a lot of ways.  While I know I am definitely not perfect, and I sometimes react badly to some things and people, I will not beat myself up over it. 

I love my mother.  She has always been there for us. She has sacrificed for all of us. But has always had a desire to have things a certain way.  She has her opinions about things and they are always the right and only ones.  She manipulates.  It has been a fine line with my mom.

Then I married the narcissist.  It was a constant struggle trying to hold my ground and not be totally undermined.  I have let that marriage and what he is sink in in stages.  The latest stage is realizing that he never loved me...didn't really like anything about me...I was just someone that was an inconvenience in his life.  All because I made a choice.  And then I made another choice.  My kids.  I stayed to protect them.  I know some people think that was not a REAL choice to make but I could not let my kids spend weekends being tortured by him (psychological but there was some physical acting out) with no one there to help them. 

It took quite a while for me to feel comfortable with myself and realizing that I am capable.

I have come to know myself quite well and like making my own decisions.  They may not always be the best but I know what works for me.  I may be wired a bit differently from everyone else. 

My mother seems to be, at 85, beginning that dementia dive that her siblings did.  She called me the other day and told me, in a very angry tone, all the things that are wrong with family members and what my kids should be doing and what I should tell them....to which I told her that I am not telling my adult kids what decisions they should make about things in their lives. 

And I don't like be told with whom I should associate...at my age.  I went through this already with her when I was a teenager.

I am not sure I am ready to handle this.  I laid in bed for hours this morning just realizing "I am alone".  My older sister TELLS me what to think and do, also.  I ignore her.  I can't discuss things with anyone anymore without them telling me how I am wrong...what I should think...do...and while I can ignore some of them...this is not where I wanted to be.