Bringing the Heat

The heat and humidity have messed with my head...literally.  Daily headaches and breathing is tough.  I am tired SO much!

And when I am not feeling well...and tired...I find myself resting in the depression zone.  I throw myself a lot of pity parties in my mind.  I do not find pity parties fun.

I also came to another thought about myself.  I have been beating myself up over my weight.  It took me 25 years to get here.  The doctor said my blood work is great, my lungs sound great, my heart sounds strong, my blood pressure is great...he says I am keeping myself healthy...despite my weight.  I know I am a pretty good person to be around.  So, if the weight comes off...great.  If I don't lose much...I am still me.

Pastor Bill Halter (the guy I have known since I was very young and is now a Pastor at a church not far from where I live now) told me he has a single friend our age that is becoming a pastor.  He wants me to meet him.  A pastor.  While I am a believer, I am not sure I am pastor dating material.

Other than some minor irritations, this last week has been a bust.  I am now working on painting my kitchen and getting the backsplash up.  I will be going back to Kalahari for the beginning of the school year meetings.  My younger sister and her girls are going with me so that they can enjoy the water park, etc.  I never use the free 'bands' they give us for family members but this time I have someone to use them.  I get to listen to my sister moan and groan for a few days about being poor and fat.  She wants someone to  wave a magic wand.  I got really angry the other day when she told me that she had told one of her HS friends that SHE had paid her own way through college...SHE had paid for her wedding...SHE had bought her own car.

This is why it makes me mad...I know that my parents paid for her books and tuition for her last 3 years of college (because she had a scholarship for the first year).  My parents paid for the caterer for her wedding, part of the decorations and we ALL helped with decorations, setting up the reception hall and cleaning up afterwards.  I also know my parents bought her 3 different cars.  The only car she bought was with her husband Matt.  I'll bet he doesn't get any credit either.  She tries to make out like she got less than everyone else and she was such a hard worker.  We used to joke about how she ducked out of helping in the kitchen, hardly ever cleaned her room and never did yard work or helped with cleaning anywhere else in the house.

Oh well...I just bite my tongue and change the subject.  Not sure why I am doing her a favor.  I will regret it.

My work year begins again officially next Monday.  It looks to be a busy one straight out of the gate.  And there is my son's wedding thrown in.  yay...with a visit from their dad.

He has tried some passive-aggressive moves.  I thank him for offering to help me out with this or that but politely decline.  It sounds sweet but I know how he works.  He has to maintain some control.  I am cutting every tie I can.  He divorced me...didn't want me in his life.  So he needs to NOT have me in his life.  I need to NOT have him in my life.  It makes it easier for me to get my life settled.  Just me,

The Touch

I visited my old HS friend's church again today.  I liked the sermon.

On the way home, something funky happened to my gas gauge.  I knew at some time on the journey home it would tell me I was low on fuel and it did 'ding'.  The Low Fuel light came on.  Then when I was closer to home it went off and the fuel gauge started to go up.  and up.  and up.  It stopped at 3/4 full then slowly went down a bit, then back up.  I just prayed that I would make it home.

I had gotten a notice from the IRS a few days ago that they had reviewed my tax return for 2014...the divorce year, and had determined that I owed them $265.  They removed some of my deductions I claimed and said they would need documentation.  Which I have...however, I found that not all of the documents I need are in the folder.  I have them.  I just have to search for them.

My dress I ordered for the wedding came and it looks awful on me.  So, there's that.

Then my son texted me and asked me if me and and his dad are still going to pay for the rest of what's due on the wedding venue.  *sigh*  I did not know that it was something that was expected.  I told him I had paid the down payment and I am taking care of the food.  I am rather strapped right now.  I also told him I don't speak with his dad.  I know he didn't want to ask him.  *sigh again*  So I sent Darkness an email and explained about the money due on the venue.  Hopefully he will contact our son and work it out.

Darkness said I didn't hug him.  He said he needed hugs.  I would have except for 1) he was always giving someone a 'speech' of what they are doing wrong and that made me not like him; 2) when he tried to hug me he wouldn't just hug and sometimes I just wanted a HUG.

But I do miss hugs.  I need them.  I want them.  I don't do alone very well.

Wonderment

I saw a doctor.  A new one.  He said I am keeping myself healthy...even tho I am over weight.  What did he say about my weight?  Basically that women my age gain weight but can't get rid of it.  Just be happy that I m healthy.

Right.

My eustation tube is blocked.  I have had an earache for weeks.  My sinuses hurt.  I started getting the spins and tipping over.  The doctor gave me spray that I spray up my nose once a day...and syrup to take for my sinuses at night.  He told me if I am using his medicine to quit taking the OTC stuff or don't take his stuff.  I used his spray this morning but 8 hours later I took a suphadrine and excedrin.  Then I could do something!

I am getting way behind on my list of things I need to do.  I may still be working on some of it evenings after I begin work.  We'll see how bad work gets.  I have to work next week then I get one more week off. 

I still have not decided on whether or not I want to get my Intervention specialist license.  It's not the work...it's the money that goes into it.

I attended a church 45 minutes from my home this last Sunday.  An old classmate of mine is the pastor there.  I've known him since I was 5.  He used to live in my neighborhood when we were very young.  Then his parents built a house out in the country.  His mom was Ms. Socialite.  His sisters raised him.  He retired from teaching.  Now he's a pastor.  He saw me in his congregation and smiled.  He gave a great sermon.  His wife is very nice and I watched what all she did to help prepare for the service.  She invited me to join them for lunch but I had things I wanted to do plus I was very tired (my ear and head made me feel tired) plus I didn't like the restaurant they were going to.

I may go back this coming Sunday.  Just cuz...

My mother has a neighborhood all picked out for me to buy a house in and move into. She also figures dad will die before she does and she can move in with me.  I don't want her to be alone either and I love her but I don't want her to decide my life or live with me.

My friend Susan converted the second floor of her split level to a separate living area for her mom after Susan's husband died.  She says it is really tough.  I figure God will lead me where I need to go.

Homesick

Deep pit of sorrow.

I read a 'page' on Facebook that is about surviving after a relationship with a Narcissist.  It is a sort of a counseling/share place.   It is set up and run by a Psychologist who has studied Narcissists and the 'victims'...he has written books on the whole thing.  The 'victims' share their thoughts and feelings.

It has actually helped me by facing reality.  While it is really painful and debilitating to accept that this person that you thought loved you, never really did...that you put so much of yourself into the relationship to make it work and it was never going to...at some point you have to accept it.  You have to or you will drive yourself crazy shouldering blame that you don't deserve.

I spent the weekend at 'home' with my family.  While my hometown has gone downhill, it still has some comfort to it.  While my parents are becoming more and more hard of hearing and have difficulty understanding, and dealing with things...it is still home and they are still my parents and just being there in that town, near family and friends feels like a big casserole dish of comfort food.

Yes, I feel like running back with my tail between my legs.  

I spent a lot of years finding confidence in myself because my mother had a lot of anxiety and 'ran' everyone's life so that everything went the way she needed it to...and because she did that, she did not have much confidence in our abilities to take care of our own lives.  I was not praised but was reminded of my short comings.  Then I married Darkness and was not praised but reminded of my short comings.  

I dated guys that showered me with flattery and flowers then when they felt they had me, they started in with running me and reminding me of my short comings...all to keep me under their control.  

I have a lot to offer.  I am smart, resourceful, creative, kind, thoughtful, and will bend over backwards for most people.  I deserve to be loved and appreciated.  I deserve to be praised...not reminded of my short comings.