I attended 2 church services on Easter Sunday. I visited the church in which Darkness has supposedly been saved. I didn't recognize too many people there. Lots of new people. But I did enjoy Pastor Bill's message, as usual.
I also attended my parents' church with them...the church I grew up in. I was fussed over like the conquering hero. Lots of hugging. Yeah. That. LOL! Not sure what that is about. However, I hugged them all back and made a fuss over them too.
ANYWAY...back to the first service: Pastor Bill's message was about sacrifice. I want to make it clear that I am not comparing myself to Jesus or His sacrifice but...a good parent sacrifices. It is what real love is all about. And like humanity, our children do not always listen to us or appreciate/understand our sacrifice. We love them just the same and would do whatever we can to save them from harm.
**************
It came to me today that all of my past experiences and trials have shaped me into a person that is ready for the job I have now. I had to be able to have some empathy, yet, have a good understanding of how to approach a problem.
Another thing I decided is to give Matt the online guy an in person chance. He may just be awkward with telephone conversations with someone he doesn't know. He may be okay in person.
I had written him a message letting him know that I really shouldn't have tried this right now because I am buried until after April 22nd...my college classwork will be done and state testing will be over. I thought that would cause him to move on.
He texted me and said he was willing to wait it out because he thinks I am too pretty to let go.
I don't know if he is being a creepy or trying to be nice. BUT, I will give it a try. He might be okay once he is face to face and gets to know me. Then again, I may ask myself why I did it. Only one way to find out.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Disorganized
My younger sister posted a sign on her FB page: my housekeeping style looks like there has been a struggle.
Mine too. Our mom was/is always so very neat. A speck of dust never stood a chance. Her idea of clutter was a small pile of mail on the end of the counter. My bedroom at home was neat and tidy. Everything always put away. When I moved out and got my own apartment it was the same...neat and always very clean. I got married. had kids and something happened. Every room in this house has clutter. Do I like it? hell no! But I always feel buried.
Now that Bethany and I are the only ones here you would think I could get it under control. I could but the problem is TIME. Well...time and ambition.
So the online guy...Matt...the doofus braggart...flew down to Florida over the weekend. He said his one brother has a vacation house in Sarasota and was having a yacht delivered. His brother and his wife were out of the country so they needed him to go down and be there when the yacht was delivered. He is back now. He has texted and called. I ignored the text last night. He called tonight and I didn't answer. He left a VM and with his name and number. O...M...G. First of all...the number would show...second of all I have already attached a contact name to it so I would know. But I guess I couldn't possibly be intelligent enough to figure that out. I texted him back later and told him I had 2 really long days of work and I wasn't feeling very well.
While that is true, I am just delaying the inevitable. I am not interested. I would give him a chance, perhaps except for the tone of his voice when I asked questions...like I was an idiot for asking anything. nope. Been there, done that...for over 25 years!
I HAVE had 2 very long days of work. It would be easier if I wasn't empathetic. BUT...I listen to these parents...and some of them are like a broken record...and squeeze out what the real underlying problem is, and work out a solution with them and the teacher (thus, the job title Family Academic Success LIAISON). I have one that I have been pulling on my hair about because I know what needs to be done and I have put it off because what is really bothering me is...the school year is 3/4 over and this student should not be in our school! The grandparents/mother don't want to admit defeat and that this student needs a F2F teacher. No one has time for him and his lessons. He has been left in the dust. I talked on the phone to the Intervention Specialist that is supposed to be working with him in small groups and...AAAAHHHHH (hitting myself in the head with a pipe). She is fresh out of college and just seemed to want to ask ME too many feckin questions and did not seem to comprehend what it was I wanted to know. I think she thought that I was questioning what she was doing. A half hour later (please...help me) when we got off the phone she was asking me if she ended up telling me what I needed to know (yessssss....somewhere in there you did) and IMMEDIATELY she sends me an email and says, "I really hope I gave you the information you were after. If not, let me know!" I rolled my eyes and did not respond. It may not have been nice but SERIOUSLY! I promise to NEVER call you again!!! I don't have that kind of time to waste.
And I really hate having to call, or answer a call, from our social worker Priti. Now SHE is the queen of talking in circles. She will talk for an hour straight (tonight it was an hour and 20 minutes...there's a timer on the phone) and end up right where she started. I do not have that kind of attention span!! I don't have patience for it. I sometimes wonder if she hears and wonders what, that thumping noise is (my foot stomping on the floor). Tonight Jack stood there barking at me and I started laughing. I cut her off and said, "Jack is yelling at me. He wants to go outside." She said, "I need to let you go cuz he wants you done." I told her it was Jack's way of letting me know I had better let him out before he poops on the floor. And she kept on a yapping. Luckily, Bethany came through the door then and I texted her to please let the dogs out. I finally told her I had a handle on what I needed to do for this one kid and if she could find someone to help them with education alternatives in their area that would get this kid the proper education (long story...lots of problems) I would breathe easier. But in the long run, it is not up to me to figure out their family dynamic problems for them but they obviously need someone to point them in the right direction.
I think the thing that flabbergasted me the most was the one student I had been handed. I looked to see what his log in history was like and could NOT believe it. I immediately called my team lead and told her, "this kid is not here. The LC is not here! this student has not logged ONE SINGLE LESSON since Dec. 3rd! This is the end of March!!! what the heck?" She told me to send her his name and she would give it to the Truancy officer. NO CHIT! smh...
And another slips through the cracks. There is no excuse.
I know I am jinxing myself BUT the only thing this day was missing was some sort of communique from Darkness. I am hoping he went down to Texas this last weekend and found himself another mess to keep him busy.
I am SSSOOO looking forward to my Spring Break next week!! Yessir!!!
Mine too. Our mom was/is always so very neat. A speck of dust never stood a chance. Her idea of clutter was a small pile of mail on the end of the counter. My bedroom at home was neat and tidy. Everything always put away. When I moved out and got my own apartment it was the same...neat and always very clean. I got married. had kids and something happened. Every room in this house has clutter. Do I like it? hell no! But I always feel buried.
Now that Bethany and I are the only ones here you would think I could get it under control. I could but the problem is TIME. Well...time and ambition.
So the online guy...Matt...the doofus braggart...flew down to Florida over the weekend. He said his one brother has a vacation house in Sarasota and was having a yacht delivered. His brother and his wife were out of the country so they needed him to go down and be there when the yacht was delivered. He is back now. He has texted and called. I ignored the text last night. He called tonight and I didn't answer. He left a VM and with his name and number. O...M...G. First of all...the number would show...second of all I have already attached a contact name to it so I would know. But I guess I couldn't possibly be intelligent enough to figure that out. I texted him back later and told him I had 2 really long days of work and I wasn't feeling very well.
While that is true, I am just delaying the inevitable. I am not interested. I would give him a chance, perhaps except for the tone of his voice when I asked questions...like I was an idiot for asking anything. nope. Been there, done that...for over 25 years!
I HAVE had 2 very long days of work. It would be easier if I wasn't empathetic. BUT...I listen to these parents...and some of them are like a broken record...and squeeze out what the real underlying problem is, and work out a solution with them and the teacher (thus, the job title Family Academic Success LIAISON). I have one that I have been pulling on my hair about because I know what needs to be done and I have put it off because what is really bothering me is...the school year is 3/4 over and this student should not be in our school! The grandparents/mother don't want to admit defeat and that this student needs a F2F teacher. No one has time for him and his lessons. He has been left in the dust. I talked on the phone to the Intervention Specialist that is supposed to be working with him in small groups and...AAAAHHHHH (hitting myself in the head with a pipe). She is fresh out of college and just seemed to want to ask ME too many feckin questions and did not seem to comprehend what it was I wanted to know. I think she thought that I was questioning what she was doing. A half hour later (please...help me) when we got off the phone she was asking me if she ended up telling me what I needed to know (yessssss....somewhere in there you did) and IMMEDIATELY she sends me an email and says, "I really hope I gave you the information you were after. If not, let me know!" I rolled my eyes and did not respond. It may not have been nice but SERIOUSLY! I promise to NEVER call you again!!! I don't have that kind of time to waste.
And I really hate having to call, or answer a call, from our social worker Priti. Now SHE is the queen of talking in circles. She will talk for an hour straight (tonight it was an hour and 20 minutes...there's a timer on the phone) and end up right where she started. I do not have that kind of attention span!! I don't have patience for it. I sometimes wonder if she hears and wonders what, that thumping noise is (my foot stomping on the floor). Tonight Jack stood there barking at me and I started laughing. I cut her off and said, "Jack is yelling at me. He wants to go outside." She said, "I need to let you go cuz he wants you done." I told her it was Jack's way of letting me know I had better let him out before he poops on the floor. And she kept on a yapping. Luckily, Bethany came through the door then and I texted her to please let the dogs out. I finally told her I had a handle on what I needed to do for this one kid and if she could find someone to help them with education alternatives in their area that would get this kid the proper education (long story...lots of problems) I would breathe easier. But in the long run, it is not up to me to figure out their family dynamic problems for them but they obviously need someone to point them in the right direction.
I think the thing that flabbergasted me the most was the one student I had been handed. I looked to see what his log in history was like and could NOT believe it. I immediately called my team lead and told her, "this kid is not here. The LC is not here! this student has not logged ONE SINGLE LESSON since Dec. 3rd! This is the end of March!!! what the heck?" She told me to send her his name and she would give it to the Truancy officer. NO CHIT! smh...
And another slips through the cracks. There is no excuse.
I know I am jinxing myself BUT the only thing this day was missing was some sort of communique from Darkness. I am hoping he went down to Texas this last weekend and found himself another mess to keep him busy.
I am SSSOOO looking forward to my Spring Break next week!! Yessir!!!
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Fighting to the Surface
It was one of those days...where I don't want to deal. I want someone else to run the show. But I don't want to open the door and let someone else in.
I just can't do it. I definitely am NOT doing the online 'meet your perfect mate' thing. I gave it another try and...brag about possessions, the money his siblings make...mostly bragged about his brother the millionaire (why, I don't know)...then bragged about how young he was when he got his license to fly an airplane...then he talked down to me when I would ask a question like I am an idiot. The next day he sends me texts about how pretty he thinks I am...how I look so much younger than the age I told him I am. Who would lie and say they are older?
Then I spent Friday night with my friend Jean. I was feeling unusually stressed by the revelation that I may never meet a guy that has some intelligence, is down to earth, easy going, has a sense of humor, etc. I was also getting texts from Darkness like 'it sounds weird but I still love you'. I told him it is BS because he put me through Hell and you don't treat people you love like that. I was feeling like I was wading in a river of shit by then. So I texted Jean and asked her if she was busy after school (she works as a speech pathologist). She said she was doing laundry...did I have something better to do. I said, "I am feeling a need for some tropical mai tai." she said, "I'm in!" The best ones we know are at Red Robin. I got there before her and got a table and ordered us each one. We had a great, fun dinner and drinks. Our waiter was a funny young guy...entertaining. LOL
Then I went home, let the dogs out, changed into some comfortable yoga pants and sweatshirt, stopped at the Redbox and picked a couple of movies and headed over to her place where we sat, watched a movie, drank wine and yapped.
She told me about her ex. He sounded so very deviant. He and his friends. Now mind you, this ex of hers had been the superintendent of the school system and his friends were teachers and coaches within the school system. They had went on trips together, dropped drugs in their wives' drinks then played musical rooms with the knocked out naked wives!! He was also bedding two other women in the next town. She cried and shook her head and told me she had never told anyone else about it.
I listened in horror...but did not show it on my face.
When it really comes down to it...Darkness is just immature. He is like the little kid who always thinks he's missing out on something. He has let others influence his thoughts and deeds.
He told me this week that he had not appreciated me. I told him that I would not argue with him on that point but hind sight was a sorrowful thing.
I kept waiting for him to grow up...and get it. It never happened. It never will. He needs to shut up and keep his epiphanies to himself. He is just feeling lonely right now, It will pass. The biggest thing is this...even IF some miraculous thunderbolt struck his brain and he was suddenly grown up and came back on bended knee begging my forgiveness and to take him back...even if I KNEW he really had changed...I STILL would not take him back. I would wish him well and send him on his way. He gave me too much heart ache and loads of bad memories.
I went to Walmart tonight to pick up some yogurt for me and get the dogs some dog treats. On the way out I ran into one of my neighbors across the street, Larry. He told me that Phyllis the Crazy Piano lady has colon cancer and is dying. The neighborhood has changed so much just in the 8 years since we have been here.
He also sold the house next to him (he is a retired real estate agent but if anyone in the neighborhood needs to sell their house, he does it and does it quickly) in 3 days! I asked him if the house was that great or if he thought it was location (the schools are a block away and the city park is 3 blocks away). He said the house is not that great BUT the owner had ripped up the carpets and it had laminate floors plus the walls were all freshly painted. He said the proximity to the schools was the biggest factor because it is a couple with young kids. Also, the last owner put a privacy fence around the yard...which we have done, too. This made me feel a bit better because I may have a fairly easy time selling the house when I decide to sell. And get my money out of it.
My mother asked me if I had mortgage insurance. I told her yes..why? She told me not to be too quick to take Darkness' name off the mortgage because with his stupidity he might get himself into a situation that ends him and then my mortgage would be paid off. I am not sure about that. I am pretty sure since both of our names are on the mortgage then we would both have to die. I hope she isn't planning something. Ha ha!
I told Larry what Bethany is going to college for and his eyes lit up. He told me about a job with kids from broken homes. The place is attached to the local hospital and the job is federally funded and it pays really well. I told Bethany about it and I told her that since her dad was nice enough to tell me not to worry about getting his name off the mortgage that would give me more time in the house...and her...and if she wanted to go for her BS degree she could...or work that job...or both. I told her it just gives her/us more options. She is excited. I think she would love working with those kids.
It looks like I have a really good chance of being offered a 2 year contract on my job. In the meantime, I will be working away...1 class at a time...on my Masters and letting my employer pay for it.
I just want to pull up out of this funk. I feel like someone threw me into the deep end of the pool and I am fighting to get to the surface of the water.
I just can't do it. I definitely am NOT doing the online 'meet your perfect mate' thing. I gave it another try and...brag about possessions, the money his siblings make...mostly bragged about his brother the millionaire (why, I don't know)...then bragged about how young he was when he got his license to fly an airplane...then he talked down to me when I would ask a question like I am an idiot. The next day he sends me texts about how pretty he thinks I am...how I look so much younger than the age I told him I am. Who would lie and say they are older?
Then I spent Friday night with my friend Jean. I was feeling unusually stressed by the revelation that I may never meet a guy that has some intelligence, is down to earth, easy going, has a sense of humor, etc. I was also getting texts from Darkness like 'it sounds weird but I still love you'. I told him it is BS because he put me through Hell and you don't treat people you love like that. I was feeling like I was wading in a river of shit by then. So I texted Jean and asked her if she was busy after school (she works as a speech pathologist). She said she was doing laundry...did I have something better to do. I said, "I am feeling a need for some tropical mai tai." she said, "I'm in!" The best ones we know are at Red Robin. I got there before her and got a table and ordered us each one. We had a great, fun dinner and drinks. Our waiter was a funny young guy...entertaining. LOL
Then I went home, let the dogs out, changed into some comfortable yoga pants and sweatshirt, stopped at the Redbox and picked a couple of movies and headed over to her place where we sat, watched a movie, drank wine and yapped.
She told me about her ex. He sounded so very deviant. He and his friends. Now mind you, this ex of hers had been the superintendent of the school system and his friends were teachers and coaches within the school system. They had went on trips together, dropped drugs in their wives' drinks then played musical rooms with the knocked out naked wives!! He was also bedding two other women in the next town. She cried and shook her head and told me she had never told anyone else about it.
I listened in horror...but did not show it on my face.
When it really comes down to it...Darkness is just immature. He is like the little kid who always thinks he's missing out on something. He has let others influence his thoughts and deeds.
He told me this week that he had not appreciated me. I told him that I would not argue with him on that point but hind sight was a sorrowful thing.
I kept waiting for him to grow up...and get it. It never happened. It never will. He needs to shut up and keep his epiphanies to himself. He is just feeling lonely right now, It will pass. The biggest thing is this...even IF some miraculous thunderbolt struck his brain and he was suddenly grown up and came back on bended knee begging my forgiveness and to take him back...even if I KNEW he really had changed...I STILL would not take him back. I would wish him well and send him on his way. He gave me too much heart ache and loads of bad memories.
I went to Walmart tonight to pick up some yogurt for me and get the dogs some dog treats. On the way out I ran into one of my neighbors across the street, Larry. He told me that Phyllis the Crazy Piano lady has colon cancer and is dying. The neighborhood has changed so much just in the 8 years since we have been here.
He also sold the house next to him (he is a retired real estate agent but if anyone in the neighborhood needs to sell their house, he does it and does it quickly) in 3 days! I asked him if the house was that great or if he thought it was location (the schools are a block away and the city park is 3 blocks away). He said the house is not that great BUT the owner had ripped up the carpets and it had laminate floors plus the walls were all freshly painted. He said the proximity to the schools was the biggest factor because it is a couple with young kids. Also, the last owner put a privacy fence around the yard...which we have done, too. This made me feel a bit better because I may have a fairly easy time selling the house when I decide to sell. And get my money out of it.
My mother asked me if I had mortgage insurance. I told her yes..why? She told me not to be too quick to take Darkness' name off the mortgage because with his stupidity he might get himself into a situation that ends him and then my mortgage would be paid off. I am not sure about that. I am pretty sure since both of our names are on the mortgage then we would both have to die. I hope she isn't planning something. Ha ha!
I told Larry what Bethany is going to college for and his eyes lit up. He told me about a job with kids from broken homes. The place is attached to the local hospital and the job is federally funded and it pays really well. I told Bethany about it and I told her that since her dad was nice enough to tell me not to worry about getting his name off the mortgage that would give me more time in the house...and her...and if she wanted to go for her BS degree she could...or work that job...or both. I told her it just gives her/us more options. She is excited. I think she would love working with those kids.
It looks like I have a really good chance of being offered a 2 year contract on my job. In the meantime, I will be working away...1 class at a time...on my Masters and letting my employer pay for it.
I just want to pull up out of this funk. I feel like someone threw me into the deep end of the pool and I am fighting to get to the surface of the water.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Walking On Sunshine
I did it...turned another corner.
I am keeping a tentatively good grip on my job right now. I have arranged my day differently so that I have some time in the middle of it to go downstairs and do a quick 10 minutes on the gazelle (burns about 220 calories) then shower and grab a healthy lunch. It help me through the day. Then I do about 10 more minutes before I allow myself to eat dinner. Today I did not...I had to make up for taking yesterday off.
I called my afternoon off a mental health break. Bethany is off from college for her spring break and she and I went to the organic food and pharm market, the shoe store, the book store and out to dinner. I got myself some sweet Sketchers with memory foam that make my exercise experience so much better!
I am feeling better. I still don't sleep great at night. I wake up too early.
TJ and Brit are still planning on getting married. I see possible disaster up ahead BUT I will pray for them instead. I do not know the future. They have decided to go on the honeymoon he wanted to go on in the first place....Florida to Disney World and Universal Studios. They tossed things out and she didn't seem to like most of them so she finally agreed to the first option.
This is a short one. Not much to say. I have lots to do and not enough time to do it. Of course, if I keep sleeping 4 hours at night, I might have enough time after all.
I am keeping a tentatively good grip on my job right now. I have arranged my day differently so that I have some time in the middle of it to go downstairs and do a quick 10 minutes on the gazelle (burns about 220 calories) then shower and grab a healthy lunch. It help me through the day. Then I do about 10 more minutes before I allow myself to eat dinner. Today I did not...I had to make up for taking yesterday off.
I called my afternoon off a mental health break. Bethany is off from college for her spring break and she and I went to the organic food and pharm market, the shoe store, the book store and out to dinner. I got myself some sweet Sketchers with memory foam that make my exercise experience so much better!
I am feeling better. I still don't sleep great at night. I wake up too early.
TJ and Brit are still planning on getting married. I see possible disaster up ahead BUT I will pray for them instead. I do not know the future. They have decided to go on the honeymoon he wanted to go on in the first place....Florida to Disney World and Universal Studios. They tossed things out and she didn't seem to like most of them so she finally agreed to the first option.
This is a short one. Not much to say. I have lots to do and not enough time to do it. Of course, if I keep sleeping 4 hours at night, I might have enough time after all.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Stepping into the Next Room
I was trying to describe to Jackie the other night how my thinking and feeling about things changes. I told her it is like walking through rooms that each have a door at both ends. I go from one room into another and the door shuts behind me.
My feelings and understanding about my life keeps changing that way. Or, perhaps it is just like having a puzzle and every now and then God drops another piece into the puzzle but the picture, or what I thought the picture was, changes.
I had a text conversation with Darkness the other day. He had texted me to let me know the new medical and dental cards for our daughter are on their way. I mentioned to him that she is more than likely going to need oral surgery to remove 2 wisdom teeth. Then the conversation went on from there and, as usual, his previous offers of helping to pay for anything having to do with the kids (yes, I know they are adults but she is working less than 20 hours a week for minimum wage and going to college) falls flat. He never seems to have any money. And considering what he gets paid (I can live nicely on HALF of what he gets paid and I do...but that includes what I get in alimony) I have no understanding of his plight.
ANYWAY, I realized that he is not anyone that, understanding him as I do now, if I had just met him, I would not choose to have him in my life. If I had understood him almost 29 years ago when I met him, then I would have never dated him, let alone married him. But now I know.
I have no love for him. I do not hate him either. I just have no feeling about him one way or the other. I prefer to continue to call him Darkness because he had brought darkness to my world. But God brought me back the light.
I have reached the point in my spirituality, too, where I can let go. I start to worry about things and get tied up in knots but then I calm down because I know that God is taking care of everything. I have to take care of the normal human things...like earn my money, pay my bills, continue my education...but He is arranging the events in my life.
I am not sure if I will continue to be where I am, or with the job I have now...but I am not going to worry about it. Life events will play out in such a way that these things will move me in whatever direction I need to move.
My feelings and understanding about my life keeps changing that way. Or, perhaps it is just like having a puzzle and every now and then God drops another piece into the puzzle but the picture, or what I thought the picture was, changes.
I had a text conversation with Darkness the other day. He had texted me to let me know the new medical and dental cards for our daughter are on their way. I mentioned to him that she is more than likely going to need oral surgery to remove 2 wisdom teeth. Then the conversation went on from there and, as usual, his previous offers of helping to pay for anything having to do with the kids (yes, I know they are adults but she is working less than 20 hours a week for minimum wage and going to college) falls flat. He never seems to have any money. And considering what he gets paid (I can live nicely on HALF of what he gets paid and I do...but that includes what I get in alimony) I have no understanding of his plight.
ANYWAY, I realized that he is not anyone that, understanding him as I do now, if I had just met him, I would not choose to have him in my life. If I had understood him almost 29 years ago when I met him, then I would have never dated him, let alone married him. But now I know.
I have no love for him. I do not hate him either. I just have no feeling about him one way or the other. I prefer to continue to call him Darkness because he had brought darkness to my world. But God brought me back the light.
I have reached the point in my spirituality, too, where I can let go. I start to worry about things and get tied up in knots but then I calm down because I know that God is taking care of everything. I have to take care of the normal human things...like earn my money, pay my bills, continue my education...but He is arranging the events in my life.
I am not sure if I will continue to be where I am, or with the job I have now...but I am not going to worry about it. Life events will play out in such a way that these things will move me in whatever direction I need to move.
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