Stepping into the Next Room

I was trying to describe to Jackie the other night how my thinking and feeling about things changes.  I told her it is like walking through rooms that each have a door at both ends.  I go from one room into another and the door shuts behind me.

My feelings and understanding about my life keeps changing that way.  Or, perhaps it is just like having a puzzle and every now and then God drops another piece into the puzzle but the picture, or what I thought the picture was, changes.

I had a text conversation with Darkness the other day.  He had texted me to let me know the new medical and dental cards for our daughter are on their way.  I mentioned to him that she is more than likely going to need oral surgery to remove 2 wisdom teeth.  Then the conversation went on from there and, as usual, his previous offers of helping to pay for anything having to do with the kids (yes, I know they are adults but she is working less than 20 hours a week for minimum wage and going to college) falls flat.  He never seems to have any money.  And considering what he gets paid (I can live nicely on HALF of what he gets paid and I do...but that includes what I get in alimony) I have no understanding of his plight.

ANYWAY, I realized that he is not anyone that, understanding him as I do now, if I had just met him, I would not choose to have him in my life.  If I had understood him almost 29 years ago when I met him, then I would have never dated him, let alone married him.  But now I know.

I have no love for him.  I do not hate him either.  I just have no feeling about him one way or the other.  I prefer to continue to call him Darkness because he had brought darkness to my world.  But God brought me back the light.

I have reached the point in my spirituality, too, where I can let go.  I start to worry about things and get tied up in knots but then I calm down because I know that God is taking care of everything.  I have to take care of the normal human things...like earn my money, pay my bills, continue my education...but He is arranging the events in my life.

I am not sure if I will continue to be where I am, or with the job I have now...but I am not going to worry about it.  Life events will play out in such a way that these things will move me in whatever direction I need to move.