Saturday, February 27, 2016
Analytics
The number 3 has always haunted me. Whenever I would randomly pick up a few of something (tissues, candy, etc) I would grab 3. Always 3. I ended up with 3 dogs. Not sure if that was a subconscious thing.
Then, I noticed when I was thinking of trying a dating site to meet someone new (and I realized that either it wasn't how I wanted to do it OR I just wasn't ready), many guys put in their introduction that they had been divorced, or widowed, for 3 years and decided they were ready for someone new. I have heard women use the same number.
So, I had a long ride home from my sister's tonight. I had made the hour trip to see my son and take a few things that he had left behind and needed, then, since my sister's house was 20 minutes away from him, and on my way home, I stopped to see her too. Anyway, back to the number 3.
I was wondering if I had been being conditioned for this all along. And maybe 3 years is how long it takes the healing process. Perhaps. I analyze everything to death. I guess my daughter takes after me in that sense and it is why she decided to become a Psychologist.
I still think through my marriage. Not so much anymore. It is fading. I am hoping that in 3 years it will be just a memory packed in a box at the back of my brain. But I think about it, every now and then, just trying to ease it into a spot where I am not feeling like it was a waste. It wasn't, in some ways. I have learned a lot about things, life, people. I have become more patient, empathetic, and, yet, somewhat jaded. Jaded is not totally a bad thing. The jaded part keeps the empathy part from taking over.
Then there is something else that I have come to understand. This 'something else' could give The Darkness an excuse for his behavior. It is more like a reason...but not an excuse. People will gravitate towards what they know, what they are used to, even if what they know and are used to is a bad thing. The Darkness treats everyone around him the way he was treated and expects everyone to kiss his arse for it. It is what he was used to growing up. He hated it but, again, it is what he knows.
I guess that explains why kids that grew up in a house with drug or alcohol addicted parent(s) turn out that way a lot of times. Even though they hated it, it is what they know. It is hard wired into them.
I used to think that I married a guy like my mom. It isn't fair to my mother because she put herself last and had a tender heart for her kids...to a point. She just never showed any physical affection. She never got any as a kid. She said that your actions show love...you don't need a hug or a kiss, She was impatient. As kid, I would listen for the yell of my name...the day long, spread out, short speeches of what I did to upset her/disappoint her, etc. Even to this day, she will randomly pull something out of the air that I did or said over 40 years ago that she had gotten angry over or she thought was so very stupid of me. An elephant has nothing on her. I don't do that to my kids. We move on. When my mom mentions something like that to me I just cut her off, now, and say, "For Pete's sake mom...I was 16 years old! Let it go!" She just stands there and gives me the 'Emily Gilmore stare' of disapproval. You know, the pursed lips, the half closed eyelids, the frozen face of silence. Then, just like Emily, she says, "Well..." and moves on.
No, Darkness was more cruel. He stomped and yelled and belittled. He made sure I realized he felt that I was an intrusion into his life.
I think about the guys I went out with. Even though I thought I was making a conscious choice to date someone less controlling and narcissistic than the one before, I always ended up with the same guy. I am hoping that with all that I have learned and after the 3 years of healing, I will actually be able to end up with someone different. But will I be able to handle this foreign way of life?
Then, I noticed when I was thinking of trying a dating site to meet someone new (and I realized that either it wasn't how I wanted to do it OR I just wasn't ready), many guys put in their introduction that they had been divorced, or widowed, for 3 years and decided they were ready for someone new. I have heard women use the same number.
So, I had a long ride home from my sister's tonight. I had made the hour trip to see my son and take a few things that he had left behind and needed, then, since my sister's house was 20 minutes away from him, and on my way home, I stopped to see her too. Anyway, back to the number 3.
I was wondering if I had been being conditioned for this all along. And maybe 3 years is how long it takes the healing process. Perhaps. I analyze everything to death. I guess my daughter takes after me in that sense and it is why she decided to become a Psychologist.
I still think through my marriage. Not so much anymore. It is fading. I am hoping that in 3 years it will be just a memory packed in a box at the back of my brain. But I think about it, every now and then, just trying to ease it into a spot where I am not feeling like it was a waste. It wasn't, in some ways. I have learned a lot about things, life, people. I have become more patient, empathetic, and, yet, somewhat jaded. Jaded is not totally a bad thing. The jaded part keeps the empathy part from taking over.
Then there is something else that I have come to understand. This 'something else' could give The Darkness an excuse for his behavior. It is more like a reason...but not an excuse. People will gravitate towards what they know, what they are used to, even if what they know and are used to is a bad thing. The Darkness treats everyone around him the way he was treated and expects everyone to kiss his arse for it. It is what he was used to growing up. He hated it but, again, it is what he knows.
I guess that explains why kids that grew up in a house with drug or alcohol addicted parent(s) turn out that way a lot of times. Even though they hated it, it is what they know. It is hard wired into them.
I used to think that I married a guy like my mom. It isn't fair to my mother because she put herself last and had a tender heart for her kids...to a point. She just never showed any physical affection. She never got any as a kid. She said that your actions show love...you don't need a hug or a kiss, She was impatient. As kid, I would listen for the yell of my name...the day long, spread out, short speeches of what I did to upset her/disappoint her, etc. Even to this day, she will randomly pull something out of the air that I did or said over 40 years ago that she had gotten angry over or she thought was so very stupid of me. An elephant has nothing on her. I don't do that to my kids. We move on. When my mom mentions something like that to me I just cut her off, now, and say, "For Pete's sake mom...I was 16 years old! Let it go!" She just stands there and gives me the 'Emily Gilmore stare' of disapproval. You know, the pursed lips, the half closed eyelids, the frozen face of silence. Then, just like Emily, she says, "Well..." and moves on.
No, Darkness was more cruel. He stomped and yelled and belittled. He made sure I realized he felt that I was an intrusion into his life.
I think about the guys I went out with. Even though I thought I was making a conscious choice to date someone less controlling and narcissistic than the one before, I always ended up with the same guy. I am hoping that with all that I have learned and after the 3 years of healing, I will actually be able to end up with someone different. But will I be able to handle this foreign way of life?
Friday, February 19, 2016
Under the Piano
I was walking by when the rope, that was hoisting the piano up into the upper floor of the apartment building, broke and the piano came rushing back down and landed...on top of me.
Not really. But that is what I have felt like this week. Every night by 5 p.m. I feel just like that.
This has been a very long frustrating week for me. I have put in 12 hours at my job on Tuesday, Wednesday...14 hours on Thursday. Today I was just frustrated because I was finding (or not finding) missing notes, trying to fill in holes in the data, updating, and the parents were calling.
I have been feeling all week like I the person trying to button the back of a dress on a fat lady when the dress is 2 sizes too small. Every time I get another button fastened, the fat presses too hard against another button and it pops...
I was doing really well until this week. The week before Lisa dumped 17 new cases on me. I did well with them. But this last Friday she dumped 20 new cases. I am not sure if it was the 3 extra kids or the one less day...or both. All I know is I will need to spend some time this weekend trying to get things back together so that next week seems more manageable.
SO glad I don't have anyone else that I have to take care of.
I will begin my classes in a couple of weeks...hopefully. I have 2 online classes I need to take in order to renew my teaching license this summer. I just hope I can get this stuff taken care of with my job so that I can handle both or my next stop is the psych ward.
Speaking of psych ward...I came across another article that really explained my 25 years of marriage SO well...and me...
WhatAbuseSurvivorsDon'tKnow:10Life-ChangingTruths
Shahida Arabi Author, The Smart Girl's Guide to Self-Care
The journey to healing from emotional or physical abuse requires us to revolutionize our thinking about relationships, self-love, self-respect and self-compassion. Abusive relationships often serve as the catalyst for incredible change and have the potential to motivate us towards empowerment and strength, should we take advantage of our new agency.
Here are ten life-changing truths abuse survivors should embrace in their journey to healing, though it may appear challenging to do so.1. It was not your fault. Victim-blaming is rampant both in society and even within the mental landscapes of abuse survivors themselves. Recently, the victim-blaming and the mythical "ease" of leaving an abusive relationship has been challenged in the public discourse. Accepting that the pathology of another person and the abuse he or she inflicted upon you is not under your control can be quite challenging when you've been told otherwise, by the abuser, the public and even by those close to you who don't know any better.
Abuse survivors are used to being blamed for not being good enough and the mistreatment they've suffered convinces them they are not enough. The truth is, the abuser is the person who is not enough. Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. You, on the other hand, are enough. Unlike your abuser, you don't have to abuse anyone else to feel superior or complete. You are already whole, and perfect, in your own imperfect ways.
2. Your love cannot inspire the abuser to change. There was nothing you could have done differently to change the abuser. Repeat this to yourself. Nothing. Abusers have a distorted perspective of the world and their interactions with people are intrinsically disordered. Pathological narcissists and sociopaths are disordered individuals who have specific manipulation tactics as well as behavioral traits that make them unhealthy relationship partners. Part of their disorder is that they feel superior and entitled; they are usually unwilling to get help and they benefit from exploiting others. A lack of empathy enables them to reap these benefits without much remorse. Giving your abuser more love and subjugating yourself to the abuser out of fear and out of the hope that he or she would change would've only enabled the abuser's power. You did the right thing (or you will) by stepping away and no longer allowing someone to treat you in such an inhumane manner.
3. Healthy relationships are your birthright and you can achieve them. It is your right to have a healthy, safe, and respectful relationship. It is your right to be free from bodily harm and psychological abuse. It is your right to be able to express your emotions without ridicule, stonewalling or the threat of violence. It is your right not to walk on eggshells. It is your right to pursue people who are worthy of your time and energy. Never settle for less than someone who respects you and is considerate towards you. Every human being has this right and you do too. If you are someone who has the ability to respect others and are capable of empathy, you are not any less deserving than anyone else of a relationship that makes you happy.
4. You are not forever damaged by this. Healing and recovery is a challenging process, but it is not an impossible one. You may suffer for a long time from intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and other symptoms as a result of the abuse. You may even enter other unhealthy relationships or reenter the same one; this is not uncommon, as a large part of our behavior is driven by our subconscious. Still, you are not "damaged goods." You are not forever scarred, although there are scars that may still remain. You are a healer, a warrior, a survivor. You do have choices and agency. You can cut all contact with your ex-partner, seek counseling and a support group for survivors, create a stronger support network, read literature on abusive tactics, engage in better self-care, and you can have better relationships in the future. If you suspect you were the victim of emotional abuse, you can read about the manipulation tactics of emotionally abusive people and understand how pathological individuals operate so that you can protect yourself in the future. All hope is not lost. You can use this experience to gain new knowledge, resources and networks. You can channel your crisis into transformation.
5. You don't have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn't leave right away. The fear, isolation and manipulation that the abuser imposed upon us is legitimate and valid. Studies have proven that trauma can produce changes the brain. If we experienced or witnessed abuse or bullying in our childhood, we can be subconsciously programmed to reenact our early childhood wounding.
The trauma of an abusive relationship can also manifest in PTSD or acute stress disorder regardless of whether or not we witnessed domestic violence as a child. Stockholm syndrome is a syndrome that tethers survivors of trauma and abuse to their abusers in order to survive. This syndrome is created from what Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D calls "trauma bonds," which are bonds that are formed with another person during traumatic emotional experiences. These bonds can leave us paradoxically seeking support from the source of the abuse. Biochemical bonds can also form with our abuser through changing levels of oxytocin, dopamine, cortisol and adrenaline which can spike during the highs and lows of the abuse cycle.
The connection we have to the abuser is like an addiction to the vicious cycle of hot and cold, of sweet talk and apologies, of wounds and harsh words. Our sense of learned helplessness, an overwhelming feeling that develops as we are unable to escape a dangerous situation, is potent in an abusive relationship. So is our cognitive dissonance, the conflicting ideas and beliefs we may hold about who the abuser truly is versus who the abuser has shown himself or herself to be. Due to the shame we feel about the abuse, we may withdraw from our support network altogether or be forced by our abuser to not interact with others.
These reasons and more can all interfere with our motivation and means to leave the relationship. You may have been financially dependent on your abuser or feared physical or psychological retaliation in the form of slander. Therefore, you never have to justify to anyone why you did not leave right away or blame yourself for not doing so. Someone else's invalidation should not take away your experience of fear, powerlessness, confusion, shame, numbing, cognitive dissonance and feelings of helplessness that occurred when and after the abuse took place.
6. Forgiveness of the abuser is a personal choice, not a necessity. Some may tell you that you have to forgive the abuser to move on. Truly, that is a personal choice and not a necessity. You might feel forgiveness of the abuser is necessary in order to move forward, but that does not mean you have to. Survivors may have also experienced physical and sexual abuse in addition to the psychological manipulation. You may have gone through so much trauma that it feels impossible to forgive, and that's okay.
It is not our job to cater to the abuser's needs or wants. It's not our duty to reconcile with or forgive someone who has deliberately and maliciously harmed us. Our duty lies in taking care of ourselves on the road to healing.
7. Forgiveness towards yourself is necessary to move forward. Self-forgiveness is a different matter. You do have to demonstrate compassion towards yourself and forgive yourself for not leaving the relationship sooner, for not taking care of yourself better, and for not looking out for your safety and best interests. These are all things survivors tend to struggle with in the aftermath of an abusive relationship and it can take a while to get to this point.
Remember: You didn't know what you know now about how the abuser would never change. Even if you had, you were in a situation where many psychological factors made it difficult to leave.
8. You are not the crazy one. During the abusive relationship, you were gaslighted into thinking that your perception of reality was false and told that you were the pathological one, that your version of events was untrue, that your feelings were invalid, that you were too sensitive when you reacted to his or her mistreatment of you. You may have even endured a vicious smear campaign in which the charming abuser told everyone else you were "losing it."
Losing it actually meant that you were tired of being kicked around, tired of being cursed at and debased. Losing it actually meant that you were finally starting to stand up for yourself. The abuser saw that you were recognizing the abuse and wanted to keep you in your place by treating you to cold silence, harsh words, and condescending rumor mongering.
It's time to get back to reality: you were not the unstable one. The unstable one was the person who was constantly belittling you, controlling your every move, subjecting you to angry outbursts, and using you as an emotional (and even physical) punching bag.
Who are you? You were the person who wanted a good relationship. The one who strove to please your abuser, even at the cost of your mental and physical health. You were the one whose boundaries were broken, whose values were ridiculed, whose strengths were made to look like weaknesses. You attempted to teach a grown person how to behave with respect - often fruitlessly. You were the one who deserved so much better.
9. You do deserve better. No matter what the abuser told you about yourself, there are people out there in healthy relationships. These people are cherished, respected and appreciated on a consistent basis. There is trust in the relationship, not the toxic manufacturing of love triangles. There are genuine apologies for mistakes, not provocation for attention or quick reconciliation.
Consider this: aside from the experience of trauma, these people in healthier relationships are not drastically different from you. In many ways, they are just like you - flawed, imperfect, but worthy of love and respect. There are billions of people in this world, and yes, you can bet there are plenty out there who will treat you better than the way you've been treated before. There are people out there who will see your wonderful strengths, talents, and who will love your quirks. These people wouldn't dream of intentionally hurting you or provoking you. You will find these people - in friendships and in future relationships. Perhaps you already have.
10. It may have seemed this relationship was like a "waste of time" but in changing your perspective, it can also be an incredible learning experience. You now have the agency to create stronger boundaries and learn more about your values as a result of this experience. As a survivor, you've seen the dark side of humanity and what people are capable of. You've recognized the value of using your time wisely after you've exhausted it with someone unworthy. With this newfound knowledge, you are no longer naive to the fact that there are emotional predators out there. Most importantly, you can share your story to help and empower other survivors. I know I did, and you can too.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Everyday Thankfulness
I end my day with prayer. I START my prayer with thanking God for working things out for me and for the job I have. It was painful. But in order for my life to be rebuilt and better, it had to be ripped apart. God had to rip it up in order to get me to where I should be.
I am thankful that perhaps I am stubborn, determined...whatever you want to call it.
I went to the dinner theater last night with my fellow divorcee, Jean. She is a speech therapist for a local school system. We were talking about moving on with our lives, being ready for any other relationships. Jean told me before I move on I need to learn to like me first. I told her I am happy with who I am. She laughed. I said that really I am happy with my personality and the person that I am.
Once I understood that Darkness is a narcissist and what that meant...what it had done to me...I was able to begin the healing. I just needed something to make sense to me. Then I needed to reconnect with myself.
I may not be the smartest person on earth but I am not without intelligence. I am kind and caring and loyal (your basic pet dog...LOL). I am an empath and I don't mind. I am determined to do things myself. I am fiercely independent. I like to figure things out myself. It is just who I am...I am my parents' daughter.
My independence does not get in the way of me being willing to share. It MAY get in the way of me trusting sometimes. I also do not get attached to anyone or anything much. I got attached to the life I had and it was not a good thing. I got attached because, as Jean said, we were slowly brainwashed into believing it was normal. We did not understand that there was never anything we could do or say that would make it okay.
But, I am okay with me. I need to work on the outside. Jean said not to do it to impress anyone. But I am not working on me for anyone but me. I look in the mirror and my extra weight just reminds me how I gave up myself to take care of someone else that didn't deserve it. I need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with how I took care of myself.
I want to look in the mirror and see ME on the outside the way I am seeing ME on the inside.
I am 55 but my life is not over yet.
I am thankful that perhaps I am stubborn, determined...whatever you want to call it.
I went to the dinner theater last night with my fellow divorcee, Jean. She is a speech therapist for a local school system. We were talking about moving on with our lives, being ready for any other relationships. Jean told me before I move on I need to learn to like me first. I told her I am happy with who I am. She laughed. I said that really I am happy with my personality and the person that I am.
Once I understood that Darkness is a narcissist and what that meant...what it had done to me...I was able to begin the healing. I just needed something to make sense to me. Then I needed to reconnect with myself.
I may not be the smartest person on earth but I am not without intelligence. I am kind and caring and loyal (your basic pet dog...LOL). I am an empath and I don't mind. I am determined to do things myself. I am fiercely independent. I like to figure things out myself. It is just who I am...I am my parents' daughter.
My independence does not get in the way of me being willing to share. It MAY get in the way of me trusting sometimes. I also do not get attached to anyone or anything much. I got attached to the life I had and it was not a good thing. I got attached because, as Jean said, we were slowly brainwashed into believing it was normal. We did not understand that there was never anything we could do or say that would make it okay.
But, I am okay with me. I need to work on the outside. Jean said not to do it to impress anyone. But I am not working on me for anyone but me. I look in the mirror and my extra weight just reminds me how I gave up myself to take care of someone else that didn't deserve it. I need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with how I took care of myself.
I want to look in the mirror and see ME on the outside the way I am seeing ME on the inside.
I am 55 but my life is not over yet.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
The Mask
I found an article that explains Darkness so very well.
Behind the Mask of the Narcissist
I was having one of my depression/pity party days today. I have been sick and it has taken a lot of my energy. Also, the grayness of the month has not helped my mood. It is usually this time of year that I would be glad for others in the house to lean on. But now there is no one.
Believe it or not, it is because of my anxiety and depression that I would actually be grateful that I had a husband. I figured I needed to stay with him just because I felt that I was too unstable to make it on my own. I have proven to myself that I can handle it but...I get weary of it. The big irony of it all was he was the one causing most of my anxiety and depression.
It is the loneliness. I am not sure I am ready for an intimate relationship with anyone. I feel too drained emotionally and mentally. However, it would be nice to have a friend...a roommate friend. Someone to share the bills with, converse with, and go do things with. Someone that wouldn't mind helping me out (to lean on) when things come up with my kids, etc. But there isn't even anyone like that.
It is sad because I allowed the isolation. I allowed a lot of things. It wasn't that I wasn't totally unaware of everything that was going on. I knew he didn't REALLY love me or care about me. However, I stayed in it so long, to shield the kids from those every other weekend visits alone with him and any other time alone with him, that I got torn down to the point that I believed he needed me to save HIM. He always found a way to self destruct and I would be the one to put things back on the right path. (Thus the title of my blog)
But that wasn't why he needed me. When he realized I was a drag on him and his finances, when I wasn't glowing over him like he was so very important, when he felt I was choosing the kids as more important than he (I was right in thinking he was jealous of them), I was no longer of use to him.
I was sitting here today thinking about how I had been tossed aside along with everything else he wanted to shed...the obligation of the house, the obligation of the dogs, etc. He packed up his car and drove off to a new job in another state to start with a clean slate.
I do not know what he is doing now...or who. I have absolutely no clue. I don't look at his FB page. I could but I won't. I don't need that. I would rather not have any knowledge of his life or him.
I do wonder if I will ever feel mended enough to want another relationship. There is a part of me that would love to know what it is like to truly be loved by someone. But there is a bigger, sadder part of me that knows it wouldn't be fair to anyone else because I am emotionally unreliable right now.
I worry sometimes because I have a home job and I leave the house less and less. Am I becoming a recluse? Or is it just because of the time of year? Also, perhaps God knows I will need some isolation time for healing.
My son says I need to put myself 'out there'. Out WHERE? I keep telling myself that I am not ready for OUT THERE until the inside of my house is organized and I am taking better care of myself physically. Yet, I am not doing so well with either thing.
I want to feel some joy...some interest in my own life. I feel like I am just going through the motions of some sort of pathetic existence. I used to have that family commercial life in my head...you know...the happy kids, the happy mom and dad with pets. But, it was all blown apart. I had images of Darkness and I in my head where we were finally the empty nesters, spending time together, going places, doing things and being happy with each other. I know it was a reach but I still believed in it. I don't know why. He never supported me or had any faith in me.
He seems very content with the 'no communication' arrangement. It lets him totally off the hook. It also gives me some semblance of peace in my world. Perhaps he has gotten to the part where he realizes he DOESN'T need me. He kept telling me he still needed me in his life. But, he doesn't. I am sure he has found plenty of others to feed his bloated self image.
I didn't want him to hang on. I NEEDED him to let go. I found it ludicrous that he wanted me out of his world as his wife yet he wanted me in his world as a friend to share what was going on in his life. Perhaps it was more of a torture thing. I don't know. There is no rhyme or reason to what a narcissist needs/wants or why.
I keep thinking I should be stronger than this...that I should no longer be bothered...that I should be able to banish the past from my thinking. Yet, from everything I have read, it seems normal that I haven't. And it scares the ever living beetlejuice out of me! Will I never feel joy again? Will I never be able to reach out to others and feel something?
I guess I really did sacrifice myself for my kids. I just hope I am not emotionally and mentally twisted forever.
Behind the Mask of the Narcissist
I was having one of my depression/pity party days today. I have been sick and it has taken a lot of my energy. Also, the grayness of the month has not helped my mood. It is usually this time of year that I would be glad for others in the house to lean on. But now there is no one.
Believe it or not, it is because of my anxiety and depression that I would actually be grateful that I had a husband. I figured I needed to stay with him just because I felt that I was too unstable to make it on my own. I have proven to myself that I can handle it but...I get weary of it. The big irony of it all was he was the one causing most of my anxiety and depression.
It is the loneliness. I am not sure I am ready for an intimate relationship with anyone. I feel too drained emotionally and mentally. However, it would be nice to have a friend...a roommate friend. Someone to share the bills with, converse with, and go do things with. Someone that wouldn't mind helping me out (to lean on) when things come up with my kids, etc. But there isn't even anyone like that.
It is sad because I allowed the isolation. I allowed a lot of things. It wasn't that I wasn't totally unaware of everything that was going on. I knew he didn't REALLY love me or care about me. However, I stayed in it so long, to shield the kids from those every other weekend visits alone with him and any other time alone with him, that I got torn down to the point that I believed he needed me to save HIM. He always found a way to self destruct and I would be the one to put things back on the right path. (Thus the title of my blog)
But that wasn't why he needed me. When he realized I was a drag on him and his finances, when I wasn't glowing over him like he was so very important, when he felt I was choosing the kids as more important than he (I was right in thinking he was jealous of them), I was no longer of use to him.
I was sitting here today thinking about how I had been tossed aside along with everything else he wanted to shed...the obligation of the house, the obligation of the dogs, etc. He packed up his car and drove off to a new job in another state to start with a clean slate.
I do not know what he is doing now...or who. I have absolutely no clue. I don't look at his FB page. I could but I won't. I don't need that. I would rather not have any knowledge of his life or him.
I do wonder if I will ever feel mended enough to want another relationship. There is a part of me that would love to know what it is like to truly be loved by someone. But there is a bigger, sadder part of me that knows it wouldn't be fair to anyone else because I am emotionally unreliable right now.
I worry sometimes because I have a home job and I leave the house less and less. Am I becoming a recluse? Or is it just because of the time of year? Also, perhaps God knows I will need some isolation time for healing.
My son says I need to put myself 'out there'. Out WHERE? I keep telling myself that I am not ready for OUT THERE until the inside of my house is organized and I am taking better care of myself physically. Yet, I am not doing so well with either thing.
I want to feel some joy...some interest in my own life. I feel like I am just going through the motions of some sort of pathetic existence. I used to have that family commercial life in my head...you know...the happy kids, the happy mom and dad with pets. But, it was all blown apart. I had images of Darkness and I in my head where we were finally the empty nesters, spending time together, going places, doing things and being happy with each other. I know it was a reach but I still believed in it. I don't know why. He never supported me or had any faith in me.
He seems very content with the 'no communication' arrangement. It lets him totally off the hook. It also gives me some semblance of peace in my world. Perhaps he has gotten to the part where he realizes he DOESN'T need me. He kept telling me he still needed me in his life. But, he doesn't. I am sure he has found plenty of others to feed his bloated self image.
I didn't want him to hang on. I NEEDED him to let go. I found it ludicrous that he wanted me out of his world as his wife yet he wanted me in his world as a friend to share what was going on in his life. Perhaps it was more of a torture thing. I don't know. There is no rhyme or reason to what a narcissist needs/wants or why.
I keep thinking I should be stronger than this...that I should no longer be bothered...that I should be able to banish the past from my thinking. Yet, from everything I have read, it seems normal that I haven't. And it scares the ever living beetlejuice out of me! Will I never feel joy again? Will I never be able to reach out to others and feel something?
I guess I really did sacrifice myself for my kids. I just hope I am not emotionally and mentally twisted forever.
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