Professional Work Environment

55 years old.  Oh well.  Happy Birthday...who says? Why does it HAVE to be HAPPY?  Why can't it be BORING...Boring Birthday to me! ha ha!

I am still liking my job.  Got into a new phase where I have to 'chase' the families to make them do what they are supposed to do.  Interesting fact...they will ignore you and not answer email or the phone UNTIL I send them 'the evil email'...the one that tells them that if they do not contact me in 24 hours, withdrawal proceedings will begin.  If that happens, the state is notified that the students are no longer enrolled in a school system...then there will be local truancy officers banging on their door and the social workers will get involved....woo...hoo.

I was paired with our school social worker.  This is what happens when you offer to help with 'the load' because you feel you aren't working enough.

In other hot news...

I have finally come to some 'terms' with Evil Spawn.  I got tired of the 'apologies'.  I realize he is just wanting somewhere to run and dive into...like before.  So, just to make things quieter and easier for everyone concerned, I told him I would work with him on finding a way to be 'friends'.  He says that if we can do that, then perhaps we may find our way back to being a couple again.  I am not seeing that happening.  I have no interest.

He said, "I married you for a reason."  BUT the phrase, "You divorced me for a reason" keeps playing through my head.  I may not be doing GREAT right now but things are calmer.  I am in control of my own life (well, technically GOD is...but you know what I mean...).  However, he wants to be able to come see his kids for the holidays and it would be easier if I could learn to get along with him.  I don't want to have uncomfortable holidays.  Plus...I really do not like walking around being angry and bitchy.

Can't Seem to Get it Right

Thanks to Karen kicking me butt (ouch)...well, it was a gentle nudge...I finally got back on the elliptical.  I also did some smarter eating today and logged into an online app that keeps track of your calories, sugar, fat, etc.  I only did 20 minutes on the elliptical, which I thought was pretty good considering I haven't really done much in the last couple of years.

Evil Spawn told me in an email yesterday that he still loved me and he thought we were right for each other.  He said he just wanted to fix things and move on.  I really don't know how to interpret that.  I am really not giving it any thought because I am hoping he meant that he wanted to fix the mess he is in now and then move on with his life...in a different direction.

Today he texted me and asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  I texted back, "I didn't buy you anything for yours.  and besides...we're divorced"  Guess he forgot.  My son said, "He is being so weird!"  I guess that's the word for it.

He's still Evil Spawn.

I did good today.  There is a half of a homemade Boston Cream Pie sitting on my counter...it was my son's birthday cake.  I refrained from having some for breakfast.  Then I went to the Walmart store and walked right down the aisle with the ice cream and frozen pies.  I did not stop or hesitate.  I came out with not one of those items in my basket.  I also did not grab a soda out of the cooler.  I bought a Pineapple/Mango juice instead.  I also did not grab a candy bar while waiting in the check out line.  None of those things are anything I really do anyway...well, I have been known to grab a candy bar once in a very great while.  But, you know, when you tell yourself you are going to eat smarter and exercise, all of the sudden your brain wants to play devil's advocate and convince you that you suddenly can't live without any of that stuff.

We had stuffed crust bacon cheeseburger pizza for dinner but I ate one piece.  I filled up on a mixed vegetable medly of green beans, yellow beans and carrots.  All cooked (not a raw carrot fan).  I LOVE eating vegetables and do not know why I let sugar get in their way.

No wine except as a treat on the weekends. Even then, it will be one glass. (how will I ever do THAT?!?)  I hope that doesn't end up being the one thing that knocks me off the wagon.

So far this month I have baked a lemon meringue pie for Brittany's bday, a pumpkin spice cheesecake for my daughter's bday, and the Boston Cream Pie for my son's bday.  I think we can refrain from any type of goodies for my bday next week.

I have nothing planned for my bday.  It is a Monday night.  I MIGHT be able to rent Pitch Perfect 2 on the cable OnDemand movie channel!  OOOOOOO!  Pitch Perfect 2 and...what shall I eat for my bday?  KFC!  Chicken pot pie!!!  I know...sounds lame...and it would be too many calories anyway.  Spaghetti.  With meatballs.  yep.  That's the ticket.  Spaghetti and Meatballs and Pitch Perfect 2.

I really know how to party.

Holds Water like a Sieve

I was feeling  anxious today.  I was examining all the money that will need to go out in the next few weeks because of various things.  It's life.

Another source of anxiety is the change in my job.  I would be okay with it except the Leads keep telling us how everyone is working so hard to iron things out...be patient.  And my co-workers all seem like they are falling apart over the change.  Our teams have been blown apart into 3 different sections and the section I am in is really no section at all since we will be primarily working on our own. 

To top it off, Evil Spawn called me.  He told me some things about Thug Life and that situation that changes the story a bit more...again...again it makes him sound like a bit of a victim...and I just listen and think that he is really stupid in one of two ways: 1) that he got into this, or, 2) he thinks I  going to swallow it and feel sorry for him.

I just get more aggravated.  His reasons he had told be before, that he had for divorcing me was:
A)  I became complacent and gained weight,
B)  I didn't get a job,
C)  I didn't show him enough affection.

Here's the problems:
A)  the woman he took up with is not only over weight, she is homely besides.
B)  I told him once the kids were out of school I would get a job...which I did.
C)  he didn't hug me or show me much affection either.

He is a moron.  He didn't appreciate someone who was there for him, no matter what...put my family before myself...did not spend his money on me, and me alone...conducted myself with class...gave him every reason to trust me...

I didn't give him any drama. 

Tonight is one of those nights when I really needed to feel loved...that someone was there for me.  And I don't know what I did to deserve being alone.

Never a Dull Moment

Yesterday I got a lot of emails from Evil Spawn.  They reminded me of someone trying to ease himself into the pool...first stick the end of a toe in...pull it back...then put the foot in...leave it there...then the other foot...then start slowly putting more and more of yourself into the water.

He started out with, again, his apology.  This time with a  different tack (after I told him it isn't an apology if he is still blaming someone else).  He went on about how it WAS his choices...he made bad ones.

Each email was a bit more...a bit further. Somewhere in there he told me he still loved me...he thinks I am beautiful...and he made a mistake when he denied things he said..then he instantly backed up and admitted, well, he DID say it but he never really thought it.

I woke up feeling not so good to begin with.  By this point I was ready to spew.

I think the thing that really KILLED it was the "I am going to straighten myself out.  I need to do some spring cleaning and I will be that guy you used to love."  "The divorce was a mistake."  (I'm thinking no)

sigh...(head banging on the desk)

He is just wanting someone to prop him up.  He is feeling stressed out, tied up in a knot, and alone.  This too shall pass.  And he WILL put himself together, then go out there and find another.  It would be at that point where he would start criticizing me again (because that was what took the place of picking up another one).  He would be wanting to go out and find another one but he realized he was 'stuck' with me so he would take it out on me.

I just told him that the ones he REALLY needs to try and work things out with is his kids.  I don't care what Thug Life said about me or to me.  I knew she was a pile of crap so I didn't expect any different.  BUT he let her malign his kids and he told them that he was sorry if they didn't like her but they would either come to accept her or too bad.  It was none of their business.

I am not sure how he would go about rebuilding that house.  I can walk away from him, and that is fine.  But these are his kids.  He hurt them.  He has NEVER thought about how what he did or said made them feel.  Nor did he seem to care.

I told him he really needs to seek counseling.  He has a lot of crap swimming around in his head from his childhood and teenage abuse.  HOWEVER, that doesn't buy him a free ride of more chances.  He has been given lots of chances and he has squandered them.  He does not get an endless supply.

I didn't hear anything out of him today.  It was Bethany's bday.  He DID call her and he told her that he sent her an email.  Bethany said evidently he sent it to her old email address and she can't get into it.  I told her she should text her new email address to him.  Only if she wants to read the email. 

I did take a video of everyone around the table as she opened her presents and cards.  I sent it to Beth's phone and told her it was her choice if she wants to share it with her dad. I don't know where she is with him.

In the meantime, I am getting anxious because just as I was getting comfortable with my job the way it was, it is changing and I have a whole new bunch of things to learn.

I am thankful for my job.   I honestly am.  I am just not feeling very well. 

When do things get calm and boring again?

The Peter Pan Syndrome?

I had to text Evil Spawn today about a Dental Coverage question concerning our son.  He was very nice to me and then he told me he sent a copy of the coverage to my email.  I was really busy with my job but I remembered to look at the end of my office hours.

Then I found it ...an email with what I first thought was an apology.  How he missed me...the kids. How he was sorry...

But then I realized, being true to form, he was actually sorry for what he ALLOWED 'her' to do...she fooled him, she came between us and his family, etc.

Again...NEVER swallowing the blame for his own actions/choices.  It really aggravated me!  WHEN will he EVER grow UP?  I sent him back an email telling him that I am able to own my faults/choices.  I give myself credit for being an adult and having sense enough to know better. 

I told him that IF he can ever be adult enough to own up to his choices and not blame it on anyone else, I MIGHT listen to his apology. 

I also told him  that someday some guy will thank him for letting me go. 

I am also getting tired of the drama brought into my house by the son's fiancée.  She really needs to do some growing up.  I raised MY kids.  She needs to quit making my son feel badly about everything he says or does...trying to make him feel bad about having feelings about things. She needs to appreciate and not expect.  I should not have to support someone else's kid!  She may be 22 but she mostly acts like 12. 

sigh.

I am not a perfect person.  No one is. BUT I DO have a big heart and I will put others before myself most of the time. 

I am just getting tired of the footprints on my back!

Inner GPS

Calm.  That is what I am settling into...the best I can.

Evil spoke to his son yesterday and told him he is feeling somewhat better.  He moved his stuff out of Thug's step mother's house and into private storage.  He told Thug it wasn't a breakup, just a 'step back' but apparently she wasn't fooled by it and did not take it well...whatever that means.  I don't care.  All I was concerned with was whether or not he was getting better, health wise.  I got confirmation of that so...I am done.

He will find out, now, what it is really like not to have me in his life.  I am not doing it for any reason...no mind games, etc.  I am just getting on with my life and enjoying not having to put up with his stupid decisions and his drama.

I am now working on my life.  It is a weird feeling to get used to...working on me, and only me.

It is like having constricted breathing for years and suddenly the breathing passages open up.  I will no longer have someone following me around telling me all that I am doing wrong.  Even my worst moments could not compare to the stuff he did.

I will not be anchored to someone who would rather be anywhere but home.  I will no longer sit here and wonder what is so awful about me that he does not want to spend his time with me.

I am excited for my future.  I am loving my job, and will move up the scale.  Even if I do not get a teaching job with OHVA, I can move up the ladder with k12 in other capacities.  I am in a great place right now.

Personal relationships will happen.  God will guide me in the right direction when it is time.

How Deep is Your Naivete?

I am glad that my job keeps me so busy.  I am glad that my kids are old enough that I don't HAVE to cook for them, do their laundry, dress them, supervise them (for the most part)...and I can work so much because of that.

I need to keep my mind occupied.  When it is not, things in my life swirl around in my head like a kaleidoscope picture...the parts moving around and when it stops you get a different view.  And that is when the 'fun' begins.  I sometimes gain a better understanding of the parts...or just get a new 'aha' moment...or just a realization sets in.

I had some down time yesterday.  My case load was a bit light this week.  I worked 2-12 hour days on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday I just had to send out enrollment verifications for some students, assign some to prinicipals, and fill in my spreadsheet for the school data gatherers.  Friday, I did not have much of anything to do until about 2:30 when she assigned me my next case load...and, boy, did she dump a pile on me!  That just means I am going to be VERY busy Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

But the down time I had yesterday...left time for the pieces parts of my entire life to shift around and give me some realization.  Or maybe it was just give what I already kinda knew a bold face type with an underline.  

I grew up in a way that was so very perfect.  Well, not perfect, but pretty great.  My parents spoke intelligently without the use of profanity.  We lived in a quiet, well kept, neighborhood with plenty of kids to play with.  I was able to ride my bike around the neighborhood and there was an ice cream/mini golf place just a short bike ride away from home.  There was a corner convenience store (before they called them 'convenience store') with a meat counter (the guy that owned the place was a butcher) and a candy counter.   Mom would give us kids a nickel sometimes and we would think we were RICH.  We would high tail it to the candy counter and buy Bazooka bubble gum, or nickel nips, or wax lips, or twizzlers, etc.

Our church, that we attended every Sunday, was a few houses down the road.  I was shirt tail relation to most of the people that went there (one of my shirt tail cousins is now a pretty well known children's chapter book author...his stories based off of his life growing up on a farm in a small town).

When I was a teenager, my friends and I would ride our bikes down to the beach and stay for the day...after we finished our chores.  We lived in a town that was on the shore of Lake Erie.  It was great.  We would take our allowances and stop at the Red Barn for cokes and fries.  When we got driver's licenses, we would gather at the Dairy Queen or the Public Dock for frisbee and under age drinking...something that I didn't do...honestly, I didn't.

My parents worked hard and our house was one of the prettier ones in town.  They didn't have a lot of money but they could stretch a quarter.  They managed to save enough to buy a really nice motorhome.  Every couple of years, they would pack all of us in it and off we would go.  One summer we were gone for 3 weeks.  We traveled up to Mt. Rushmore, through Yellowstone Park, down the coast of California, stopped to visit with my Aunt Wilma and Uncle Starr (both died from cancer less than a decade later), toured through San Francisco, stopped at the Grand Canyon, Virginia City, Las Vegas, and a few other places before making it back to our little Ohio town.

Most of our trips were to Florida...the Keys, Miami, Orlando, etc.  My dad's parents were down there from November to April and my mom had a sister that lived there.  We would always take a day to park on the beach at Daytona.  You can't do that anymore, from what I understand.  It was GREAT!

I guess where I am going with this is to give you all some idea what my life was like.  Pretty drama-less and happy.

Then I met Evil Spawn.  His life was anything but drama-less and happy.  Being married to me the only drama he had was the drama he created.  And he is still creating it.

I have realized that I do not and will not understand how anyone would always drift towards having that kind of a mess of drama in their life.  But he seems to and had I known that that is a real 'thing' that people do, then I would not have married him.

I was, and to a certain point still am, naive.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

So, not this last weekend, but the weekend before...the last weekend of August...I woke up on Sunday morning, opened up my email and there was a notification that Thug Life had sent me a connection request on my LinkedIn.  I sent a text to Evil Spawn and told him what she had done and I told him she is certifiable and it would be a cold day in hell...but she would deny it...again.

I would have gone on my merry way BUT...he did something that raised a big fat red flag...he apologized!!! He said, I am so sorry. You do not deserve any of this.  I am still in Tucson when I get home I will put an end to it for good.

Huh.  So, I mentioned it to Karen.  She, being the great friend that she can be, went to Thug Life's FB page and copied the rant she was having...with MY NAME smack dab in the middle of it...and sent me a copy.  I read it and wow...she was angry at EVERYONE!  She ranted about Evil's whole family ad how she had blocked them alllll....and on and on.

I sent it to him.  Then he called me and explained how when he had gone to Canada, he found out his Iphone was connected to his Ipad (both company equipment) and she discovered this also.  He  had left the Ipad in his apartment, she had a key to the place and was there while he was gone, and followed his phone calls and texts while he was away.  She saw every text he had sent to me and any phone call to his kids or me.  I do not recall a phone call from/to him.

So,..now back to The Sunday...he called me at one time during the day and I was busy.  So I tried to call him back and I got, "This phone is no longer accepting calls from this number."  Bethany had just gotten home from work so I asked to borrow her phone.  I called him and the call went through.  He was surprised that it was me.  I told him why I didn't answer his call and then told him that I got the message that his phone was no longer accepting calls from my phone.  He says, :"Oh REEEEEEAAALLLY?"  She had figured out how to block me from his phone...because HE HAD LEFT HIS IPAD AT HOME AGAIN!  I went off on him...about his stupidity!

We figured out that she had hacked into his personal AND business email.  He had dinner with his boss that night and had to let his boss know about the Ipad unlock and email hack.  That must have been some conversation!

Even better...she could get into his apartment and he had guns and ammo in there,..not all under lock and key.  AND the stuff that he came here to get Memorial Day weekend he had stored at Thug's step mom's house.

Bonus...he tells me she is bipolar and abuses her meds.  shocker.  I felt like he was walking into a real nasty set up.

So,.. he got home that following Tuesday and found out she had totally moved into his apartment,  She gave up HER place.

I left my house Thursday night to go to visit my parents and spend some weekend time with my friend Jackie.  TJ called me Thursday night while I was driving to tell me that he had called his dad to find out if he was alive or dead.  He said 'dad' was home sick and had been since he got home from Tucson.  He had been sitting for days trying to remember all of his accounts and passwords and changing them all.  He had called the bank and ordered a new card.

Today, Bethany says she got a call from him yesterday and he told her that he discovered about her moving in.  He tried to break it off with her, she took a bunch of pills and drove off,  She ended up rear ending someone and she can't afford to fix her car so she is still in his apartment.

On top of that, she had to take HIM to the ER...he had an awful pain in his stomach, lower back, and his vision started going blurry.  He was terribly dehydrated and has some sort of bug on top of it...but the hospital did not know what it is.  So they gave him 2 shots and some pills.  He has been home sleeping a lot. He says he can't stay awake.

I just wonder if he does have a bug...or there is something going into him...without his knowledge.

I might not jump to that conclusion but she is nuts.

He has really really got himself into a deep pile of doo.  I pray for his safety and health.  I also pray that he does not lose his job.

I, in the meantime, realized that during her two separate rants about me was her going off because her feelings were hurt.  She had gone through his email and he had saved every email I sent him and she read all of the things I had said to him about her...including the warnings.  So, I apologized to HIM about it.  I had no right to say anything to him about her or his life choices.  And this is the truth.

It is not about what she said about me...that is her problem.  I don't care what she says because I don't know her.  It means nothing to me.  I just had to apologize for my wrong doing.

I have come to understand a lot of things about him and his choices through all of this.  AND I also came to realize that I do not love him in any way.  Not even a little bit.  I don't hate him...I just do not want anything more to do with him.  I will pray for him and hope his journey will take him into a better direction and into safety.

The end of a long, stress filled road.

And even though I am putting in really long hours at my job, I love it still.  I am happy with my chaotic home life.  It is chaotic but we love each other and it is working.  I am not interested in adding anyone else to my life right now.  It will get there someday perhaps.