A Life Not So Well Planned

These are the phases of my paver patio .

This is my living room with the room rugs and Lucy in the middle.  LOL  She accepted it all right away.  Jack...not so much.  Max was not thrilled but he warmed up to it. He will often loudly display his displeasure with the removal of the carpet and pad by getting up on the couch (I put a cover of it that can be removed when someone wants to sit on it or I need to wash it), make a loud noise when he lays down, then rolls around for a minute and makes loud noises indicating that he likes the koosh of the couch.

This is the dress I ordered for the wedding.  It is lacy, elegant yet simple.  They are having a short outdoor ceremony with, what I describe as a country picnic reception...barbeque chicken, ham, macaroni salad, green bean casserole, corn bread, etc.  There will only be about 25 people in attendance.  It is a distance (on our side) and family relationship (on her side) issue.

Scary Bay Bridge...I almost had a panic attack driving over it.

cool sand sculpture on Ocean City beach

my feet in the sand at Assateague.  I told Karen that 'assateague' is what my butt feels after that 12 hour drive

I went with my daughter to see a new doctor today.  She has been concerned with her hair loss, her paleness, tiredness, and her asthma.  You would not believe the time we had finding a doctor that would take new patients!!!  I was impressed with him.  He sent her for blood work and asked for a T4 test for her thyroid.  Not many doctors do that.  He is not so convinced that she has anemia.  He also told her that he wants her to come back in the winter (when her asthma is at its worst) and recheck her to make sure she gets the proper treatment for it. They set the appt for the end of December.

I then set up an appt with him also.  I have been confounded with these other doctors that tell me my thyroid is working well enough.  I have HALF of a thyroid!  How can it be working 'well enough'?
I am able to get in the week after the 4th.  I know he will get on me about my weight.  I get on me about my weight too.  LOL

I hate appointments.  I finally went to get a check up at the dentist yesterday.  I had not realized it has been well over a year.  Yay.  I was avoiding the issue of the crown that I need.

I did not plan on having to put quite so much work into my paver patio.  My mother told me that I need to dig down 8 inches and fill it with gravel then cover with sand and put the pavers on.  I am not quite that dedicated to a patio.  I am going to dig out SOME dirt, level it out, put down sand, plastic, sand again and my rubber pavers.  They are easier to cut and manipulate.  And, if, after I sell my house, someone doesn't like it, they can easily remove it.  It will remain cooler than the concrete pavers.

Anywhooooo...I am off to help my son replace the battery in his car.  I am so (not) looking forward to traveling through the traffic to get to his place an hour away.

The Firepits of Life

Spent yesterday afternoon shopping with my daughter for dresses for TJ's wedding.  Most things that were for her age had a lot of material cut out of them...cutouts on the side, the back, the front...not a whole dress.  Or they were too sparkly or fluffy.  LOL   She said she wanted to be covered up and not peeking out.  She had found something online she liked and I guess we will order that.

I did not have any luck.  Too sparkly, too long, too 'loud'...and when I did find something I thought would work...TOO EXPENSIVE.  So I came home and ordered my dress online also.  It is a light blue-ish lace dress with an underlining.  It is knee length and short sleeved and will fit in with the small, outdoor winery-'country picnic' reception.  And I can wear it again.  Not TOO fancy but just enough.

I also found out something interesting.  I have been tracking my food intake on My Fitness Pal.  It will also track your intake of vitamins and minerals, sugar, carbs, fat, etc.  I was looking at it last night and discovered that not only was my potasssium intake extremely (exTREMely) low but my iron intake was almost non-existent and my calcium intake could be much better.

I discovered the potassium problem a couple of weeks ago and bought some potassium tablets.  The cramping in my calf muscles has just about disappeared now.  However, the very low levels of iron intake could explain the muscle fatigue that I experience.  It isn't a normal muscle fatigue.  I experience it quickly and often...sometimes even the slightest tasks.  And it makes everything on me feel like lead weight.  At any rate, I am going to double check how much iron I should have a day and get some iron tablets.  I will leave 'room' for iron intake from foods.  I also have to be drinking more almond milk for my calcium.  I have gone back to eating greek yogurt but I looked for the one with the least amount of sugar added.  I have been trying really hard to cut back on the sugar. (I rechecked the Potassium deficiency and my muscle fatigue is more due to that...I will not be taking iron supplements)

I found bread that does not have any sugar in it.  The down side is that it is hard to toast.  After all, if you think about it, it is the sugar in things that cause it to carmalize  and it is the sugar that burns.  So, toast is just carmalized bread!  LOL

I began work on my paver patio.  This thing is going to take me a bit longer than anticipated.  It was majorly hot yesterday and I had to quite after 2 hours because I was having a very hard time breathing.  I was drenched in sweat.  It took a lot out of me and I did not have much energy for the mall walking.  I was glad when it was over.

I have to go to the garden ctr portion of the home store and get a few more things today.  I have decided to BUY an inexpensive firepit then stack stones up around it to make it look more rustic.  I have LOTS of stones.  And that way, I can use masonry adhesive...the DIY site says I can.  :D
It will be quicker also AND I don't have to worry about what kind of cement I am using, if I am using the right kind of brick liner, etc.  This has turned into a much more costly endeavor than I had first thought but it will be nice when it is done.  I hope Bethany and her friends will like it.  It is just one little addition to the home and will make the backyard nicer.  Right now my back yard is just a yard encircled with a fence.

Well...onward.  I have a life to get on with.

I'm Not Reba

So...that was NOT a good idea.  Taking my daughter to Michigan so that she could see her dad.

He has gotten a bit too comfortable and has begun to critique my choices and things around the house.

Ok...that is going to get nipped in the bud...like yesterday.

Thank you for reminding me why I need to be happy with YOUR choice.

Bethany gave him 2 things for father's day...belated.  1) a Cavs NBA championship shirt; 2) a shot glass from Ocean City to add to his collection.

He looked at the shirt and said it was a different one than he had see anywhere and he would wear it on the plane trip home.  He, however, wanted the shirt that the Cavs were wearing right after the win and he was going to buy himself that when he got home.  I looked at Bethany and she looked a bit disappointed.

As for the shot glass...it had a crab in the shape of a U and it said, "Bite me bUm...Ocean City"  He said, "You know THAT'S going to get used!"  ooooooof course.

On the way home, I got caught in a HUGE storm.  Drove in it for over an hour.  Pulled over twice because it was coming down too hard to see the road and the lightening was just too much.  But, after the second stop and I headed back down the road, after checking the radar, I told Bethany that I was just driving back into the storm because is was headed south down the length of the freeway.  I told her I just needed to keep driving and I would drive out of it.  She said that maybe it would just stay over me.  I told her I was moving faster than it.  (at least I hoped I was).  I finally drove out of it and for the last almost hour there was nothing.  While I was in it I kept talking to God, "Please don't let my last thing I did was have dinner with that doofus before I died."

About an hour after I got home, the storm caught up with me.  It sounded like it was going to lift the house and take it away.  I announced to the dogs I was going to bed.  They followed right on my heals.  So, I got the pillows on the floor of my office that they lay on while I work, and they slept on the floor of my bedroom...except for Jack who has his bed on the end of MY bed.  I sleep easier because I know if there is something major coming my way, my phone tornado alarm will go off.  It is loud enough to raise the dead. Thankfully it didn't go off but I had a lot of tree limbs to clean up.  Big ones.

I was still irritated this morning.  I have admitted to my wrong doings in our marriage, and I am not a 'blamer' for my behavior and choices...however...he broke me. He changed me.  He tore me down.  I just gave up.

It is taking me a long time to find the me I was before I married him.  I am feeling better about myself.  There is still a long way to go but I am doing better.  Being around him just set me back as far as my feelings of anger.  I don't want to be angry anymore.

He texted me that it was nice seeing me.  I told him it was HARD seeing HIM.  He texted that he still lays awake many nights wondering if he made the right decision.  So, just to assert MY anger, I texted back: You did not...it was NOT.  You tore a family apart.  I am not someone you throw away.  I really am working on not being angry with having to deal with how someone else's choices affects my life.

In the end, as far as I am concerned, it was a good decision for ME that he made.  I need someone more mature and stable.  He is an ass.

Another thing he kept going on about is his weight.  "I have gained back some of it. Do I look like it?  I need to start lifting weights again."  He just kept mentioning it.  So I texted him," no one cares about your weight.  You are concentrating on the wrong thing.  I...am...fat.  I will do what I can about that for me.  However, I am STILL smart, kind, and caring."

He will never...ever...get it.

Filling My Days

On the 10th I made a journey up to see my parents.  On the way I stopped to have lunch with a friend from school days, Susan.  I met her in Kindergarten.  We were casual friends; really never hung out much in high school.  Not that we didn't like each other it was just that she joined other clubs, etc and I was in the music department most of the time...orchestra, marching band, girls' chorus, mixed chorus, ensembles, etc.  She and I really reconnected on FB over a sort of common thing...loss of marital partners.  Only, she lost hers in a different way than I lost mine...he died suddenly from a burst femoral artery aneurysm.  It happened 2 weeks after my divorce was final.  We have been encouraging each other to pick up and move along.  It was really great having that time with her.  I would like to visit more.  My problem is I have my vacation time packed with house improvements/projects.  sigh

After the weekend at my parents' I went to Sandusky to our 2 days of school meetings.  It was basically a waste of time and money (their money, my time).  It is nice to connect F2F with co-workers.  We had a lot of laughs and shared our organization secrets.  It just didn't seem like they were giving us anything new...in the meetings. As a team, we could have done what we did in one day and went home.

I came home for 2 days and took care of the yard, the dogs, the laundry, house, etc then packed up and Bethany and I headed to Maryland to spend time with a close friend that I as of yet had spent time with F2F...we had been friends for the better part of 11 years.  It was as if we had been hanging out with each other all along.  We got along just great!  And Bethany enjoyed the time too.  She has really started coming out of her shell.  She used to be so afraid to talk to anyone.  But she sat there and talked with Karen and Matt like it was a natural thing. 

I have noticed that she has been talking more to everyone.  She didn't even used to talk to my parents or her Aunts/Uncles much.  She said she always felt awkward and didn't know what to say.  I guess she figured it out.  I am pleased!

While I was gone, Troy was working in Michigan.  They were taking most of the weekend off so he texted and asked if he could spend the night at the house so that he could spend father's day with TJ.  I said it was fine.  He did some laundry while he was here and so did TJ.  LOL  Glad I am good for something.

Then I found out that he is still going to be in Michigan the rest of this week.  So, since Bethany was sad that she missed him and vice versa, I volunteered to drive her to Michigan tonight to see him and have dinner with him.  I told him I was sorry I was going to be with her but she shouldn't drive that far on her own.  I told him I could find something else to do.  He said he wanted to see me too,  Whatever.  

Tomorrow night I have to go see my son about changing the battery in his car,  Friday night I am going out to dinner with Jean before she leaves on her Carolina vacay.  Other than that, I have worked out a project schedule for what I need to do around the house...inside and out.  Most of it involves painting.  The inside painting does not matter since weather does not affect it.  However, I need to plan the gutter painting around the weather.  I am painting gray over the brown so it matches the roof,

I also need to put down the mulch.  I know it is late but that's the way things worked out this summer. I wanted my vacation fun.  Now I need to knuckle down.  LOL

I will be receiving my new contract end of next week.  It should be a 2 year contract.  Kind of anxious to see what kind of raise I am getting.  I am not banking on it being too much because they are tight wads.  

I opted to NOT begin my Intervention Specialist classes this summer.  I really did not want to have to mess with it this summer.  I am doing the things I need to do and want to do first.  Not letting someone/something take me off my course.  

I managed to tear up the livingroom carpet before I left for my parents'.  It looks really nice.  The hardwood flooring underneath is in great shape.  The room sized rugs look nice.  The dogs weren't too sure about it but they are used to it now.  LOL

Okay...now it is time to do some work around here.  

Welcome to Adulting

I do not like weekends.  Most people look forward to them.  I have come to despise them.  Weekends are when I am tortured the most by thoughts and loneliness.  Not that I don't feel the loneliness any other time...I just seem to feel it most on the weekends.  It is seeing other couples and families being together and doing things.

I look back at my marriage and most of it was spent being lonely but I was too busy to notice it most of the time.  I craved that grownup interaction and I did not have it much.  He was off having his grownup interaction...his friends.  I put myself into the welfare and up bringing of our children.

Now they are doing as I raised them to do...become responsible, independent adults.  They are living their own lives.  It is great and sad at the same time.  I really am glad not to have to be so involved in every aspect of their lives.  And I am glad to see them moving out and on.  But it just gives me more time to spend on....what?  Me?

At this time in my life, I am supposed to be sharing my days/nights/triumphs/failures with someone.  I know there are a lot of people out there on their own.  I could probably digest it better if I had more friends around.

I know...this is another whine.  And what am I doing to make it better?  Well, you can't turn the ship around in a second.  I  will be making some changes and additions to my life.  After all, all work and no play is not a balanced life.

I have lots of things to do in the house to make it better.  I have things outside the house to do to make it better.  I may be starting my classes for my intervention specialist license to add to my teaching license.  I was going to start in the fall but the college has been guiding me into starting in July.  I guess it makes some sense to do the first 2 classes now.  I have time off and I can maybe get some things out of way before I get really busy in the fall.  It will be tough enough in fall and spring to do those classes.  I am just going to have to make sure to sprinkle in some time with friends and family.

I applied for a teaching position with the k12 online school with which I work.  I don't know if I really want to head that way.  It depends on whether or not they will bump my pay enough to make it worth it.  If they don't, I will keep the position I have.

Darkness is off and on with his 'friendship'.  As usual, it depends on the mood he is in.  He will send me random texts and be nice about things when he feels like it.  Then he will go silent and if you reach out to him about anything, he is clipped and short tempered.  It is those moments that I like the most because it just reminds me...I have not changed my mind about him/us.  I can deal with him as he is...and be 'friends' while keeping him at arm's length.  I no longer let his moods have any bearing on my moods or life.

I just don't want to be alone forever.  However, if I learned anything from my 25 year marriage, there can be worse things.