Welcome to Adulting

I do not like weekends.  Most people look forward to them.  I have come to despise them.  Weekends are when I am tortured the most by thoughts and loneliness.  Not that I don't feel the loneliness any other time...I just seem to feel it most on the weekends.  It is seeing other couples and families being together and doing things.

I look back at my marriage and most of it was spent being lonely but I was too busy to notice it most of the time.  I craved that grownup interaction and I did not have it much.  He was off having his grownup interaction...his friends.  I put myself into the welfare and up bringing of our children.

Now they are doing as I raised them to do...become responsible, independent adults.  They are living their own lives.  It is great and sad at the same time.  I really am glad not to have to be so involved in every aspect of their lives.  And I am glad to see them moving out and on.  But it just gives me more time to spend on....what?  Me?

At this time in my life, I am supposed to be sharing my days/nights/triumphs/failures with someone.  I know there are a lot of people out there on their own.  I could probably digest it better if I had more friends around.

I know...this is another whine.  And what am I doing to make it better?  Well, you can't turn the ship around in a second.  I  will be making some changes and additions to my life.  After all, all work and no play is not a balanced life.

I have lots of things to do in the house to make it better.  I have things outside the house to do to make it better.  I may be starting my classes for my intervention specialist license to add to my teaching license.  I was going to start in the fall but the college has been guiding me into starting in July.  I guess it makes some sense to do the first 2 classes now.  I have time off and I can maybe get some things out of way before I get really busy in the fall.  It will be tough enough in fall and spring to do those classes.  I am just going to have to make sure to sprinkle in some time with friends and family.

I applied for a teaching position with the k12 online school with which I work.  I don't know if I really want to head that way.  It depends on whether or not they will bump my pay enough to make it worth it.  If they don't, I will keep the position I have.

Darkness is off and on with his 'friendship'.  As usual, it depends on the mood he is in.  He will send me random texts and be nice about things when he feels like it.  Then he will go silent and if you reach out to him about anything, he is clipped and short tempered.  It is those moments that I like the most because it just reminds me...I have not changed my mind about him/us.  I can deal with him as he is...and be 'friends' while keeping him at arm's length.  I no longer let his moods have any bearing on my moods or life.

I just don't want to be alone forever.  However, if I learned anything from my 25 year marriage, there can be worse things.