How to Enjoy the Summer

The school year is almost over.  I really don't have much to do.  I have not gone over my year eval with my boss BUT, since I did not get my 'we won't be renewing your contract' letter the beginning of May, it means I am still an employee.  I will be getting a new contract to sign, they have me on the rotation for summer coverage.  I am going to actually relax this summer.  They decided to give us MORE paid time off.  So, besides the last 2 weeks of June, we get 3 weeks of July off.  Paid.  yay.  I have to wait to see what kind of raise they offer me and if I get a bonus.  My metrics show I 'saved' more kids than they had to withdraw. This is good stuff.

I have SO much I need to do this summer!  Around the house.  And my son is getting married at the end of the first week of actual school.  I had one more floating week of paid vacay that I had not used so I get to split it up throughout the fall semester.  I am taking 2 days off before his wedding.  I am using the other 3 days...whenever.

I have finally worked my way all the way through my emotions over everything.  I consider that a major triumph.  It took me a bit less than 2 years since he told me he wanted a divorce.  It took a lot of prayer, self introspection, his honesty, and realizing how many things I can do on my own.  I still have a ways to go because I am not ALL that I want to be.  But I have made some pretty good headway.

I have the weirdest divorce.  He and I have become friends, I think.  He has given me money to help take care of the dogs, too.  I may have to take him up on it and use some of it.  I don't want to use it if I don't have to but...he offered and gave it.

I would like to make more money but for now...today....I can manage and I just want one summer where I can just enjoy my life.

Purpose

I remember an old "Happy Days" show where Richie had met a bunch of 'hippie like people' and one of the females was having trouble finding something to rhyme with 'purpose'.

I am finding trouble finding the purpose, period. I always felt like my life had purpose.  I took care of my kids, their lives, and took care of a spouse.  I did not plan on being alone...having just me to take care of.  I figured I would still have a spouse to take care of for a while longer.  Even though he may not have been a great spouse...he was who is was...it was what it was.

It is just strange.  I am feeling, still, like I am floating around with no anchor.  I really do not know WHAT to do.  I know I need to use some energy trying to find a new purpose for my life.  I need to put more prayer into finding my direction.  Maybe God has a new direction for me but has been waiting for me to actually be READY for it.  I have had a lot to deal with in learning my new job.
I am just impatient.  I know changes will come.  I need things to take up my mind and time while I am waiting for life to work its way out.

I am not really sure what is causing the pain in my heart.  I walk around with a deep feeling of 'sad' all day, every day.  I am not really sure why.  I have tried hard to find other things to over ride it.

I watched "Boyhood" today...well, the last half.  One of the last things Patricia Arquett's character said was, "I just thought there would be more."

Dancing in the Dark

The weather has been cold, gray and rainy for 3 days.  I spent 2 of those days with a headache and being TIRED...just could not muster any ambition.  I would think that maybe there was some depression over the date thing but ...not so much.  Believe it or not I was actually relieved.  I was relieved that he was a butt.  I think it was for a couple of reasons: 1) I worried that he would be great and would reject me because I am not; 2) that he was great and thought I was great and then I would have to start a relationship.  I am still not sure about that.  I want to but....I don't want to.

I think the worst thing about that date was that he actually shined a light on the fact that there are worse guys out there than Darkness.  I have been on 3 dates and each one has been worse than the one before.  And each one has been worse than Darkness.  Is that the point?  Is that what he has been trying to tell me?  We were both feeling 'stuck' in the marriage...thinking each other was not the best partner?  Misunderstanding, being resentful, paranoid...

And now we have learned that we made a big damn mistake and did not appreciate each other.  Although, the biggest problem with us in the end...he did not try to understand anyone else and gave us all grief.  I bitched about that and his lack of emotional support all the time and thus...cut him off.  He got nothing from me.  That is it...in its most simplistic form.   I am ONLY speaking about the last 10 years.  Anything he did before that WAS before that and he had changed that behavior.  I did not make an effort to change mine.  I was ALWAYS looking for something better.  He gave up.

So, who was really the wrong one?  It was both of our faults.

You know what else bugs me?  I would not be the person that walks into a large, dark building with a little flashlight.  I would take a shop light or flood light with me because I CANNOT stand to see little bits of anything...I need to see the big picture.

That is why life makes me crazy...too many unlighted spots.

My marriage tanked because neither one of us could see the big picture.  We were stubborn and did not give enough understanding to each other.  We only acknowledged how it made us feel individually.

So, we live with the sadness of it all.  I can only pray that God will allow us each a second chance at happiness and this time we will not squander it.  Could there possibly be other people out there for us?

Oy with the Poodles Already

I did it.  I met Matt for dinner.  WHYYYYY????

Let's just say, besides the fact that his picture was not a true representation of him, personality wise he was an obnoxious ass.

Nuff said.  That's done.

I am on vacation this week.  Vacation from my paying gig.  I am doing some things around the house.  Mostly trying to get the outside fixed up.  I like getting things cleaned up and everything is growing so nice!  I think this year I may add some more rose bushes.  I do have to replace one of the Spirea bushes that took a powder on me.  Not sure why.  It just did.  I want to do something with the backyard this year.

I also have a kitchen I want to do something with...paint the cupboards and the walls, put up my backsplash.  It will look so nice!  I just need to do it...stick to it.  I hope my job doesn't kill me this summer.  LOL

I have 3 more weeks of real school after my vacation.  Then they will have us do 'something' for about 2 more weeks.  THEN we all have 2 weeks off.

TJ and Brit are deep into the last plans for their wedding. They are getting married in a vineyard and having a country themed small reception.  I volunteered to do the food and they are making it easy.  Bbq chicken, ham, green bean casserole, corn, corn bread, cole slaw...and perhaps I can do some of my potato salad.  There will be the wedding cake, of course.  I hope it is a really nice day for them.