Dancing in the Dark

The weather has been cold, gray and rainy for 3 days.  I spent 2 of those days with a headache and being TIRED...just could not muster any ambition.  I would think that maybe there was some depression over the date thing but ...not so much.  Believe it or not I was actually relieved.  I was relieved that he was a butt.  I think it was for a couple of reasons: 1) I worried that he would be great and would reject me because I am not; 2) that he was great and thought I was great and then I would have to start a relationship.  I am still not sure about that.  I want to but....I don't want to.

I think the worst thing about that date was that he actually shined a light on the fact that there are worse guys out there than Darkness.  I have been on 3 dates and each one has been worse than the one before.  And each one has been worse than Darkness.  Is that the point?  Is that what he has been trying to tell me?  We were both feeling 'stuck' in the marriage...thinking each other was not the best partner?  Misunderstanding, being resentful, paranoid...

And now we have learned that we made a big damn mistake and did not appreciate each other.  Although, the biggest problem with us in the end...he did not try to understand anyone else and gave us all grief.  I bitched about that and his lack of emotional support all the time and thus...cut him off.  He got nothing from me.  That is it...in its most simplistic form.   I am ONLY speaking about the last 10 years.  Anything he did before that WAS before that and he had changed that behavior.  I did not make an effort to change mine.  I was ALWAYS looking for something better.  He gave up.

So, who was really the wrong one?  It was both of our faults.

You know what else bugs me?  I would not be the person that walks into a large, dark building with a little flashlight.  I would take a shop light or flood light with me because I CANNOT stand to see little bits of anything...I need to see the big picture.

That is why life makes me crazy...too many unlighted spots.

My marriage tanked because neither one of us could see the big picture.  We were stubborn and did not give enough understanding to each other.  We only acknowledged how it made us feel individually.

So, we live with the sadness of it all.  I can only pray that God will allow us each a second chance at happiness and this time we will not squander it.  Could there possibly be other people out there for us?