I have no major problems. Not at this point. I will enjoy my respite for now. Something always comes along, eventually but I am not going to sit in wait.
Brittany was able to secure the job at my church's daycare. She begins her new job next Monday. She seems happy and excited. I hope it goes well. Her happiness is fleeting. I am hoping that once she starts there she can look into seeing a counselor. She is going to need it.
TJ is waiting to get his interview for a full time assistant TV news producer. I am confident he is going to get the job. He was told by one of the admins over in the TV studio that TJ is his pick for the job. AND that there will be 2-3 producers leaving in about 3-4 months so if TJ does his assistant job well, he can move up quickly. It would be nice to see things go well for TJ and Brit.
Bethany will be starting classes the last week of August. It will be a juggling act that week. TJ will be returning from a week in NYC just as I am leaving for a 2 day all staff meeting at a conference and resort center and Bethany will be starting classes.
I am still training and seems I will be next week also. I have lots of material to cover.
This weekend I am taking Bethany and Jordan 'home' to be around the family. Bethany hasn't had much chance to see anyone since March. Jordan will get to meet EVERYONE all in one weekend. He is excited and nervous all at once.
I am back to trying to lose weight...for many reasons: 1) my lower back; 2) my hips; 3) my heart; 4) so that I can feel like the real me inside and out, again; 5) the most vain reason of all...to be attractive for someone new. No, I don't have anyone in mind. Bethany at first thought that was a terrible reason but I pointed out to her that whether we like it or not, people are visual and outward appearances matter. I asked her to honestly tell me that she would have been quite so attracted to Jordan if he still looked like the fat, poofy haired guy he was in 10th grade. I see her think about it and she admitted she may not have talked to him at first. I told her, "See? He is still the same guy inside and personality wise BUT in order for someone to want to get to know you, they have to be attracted to you." It is the way of the beast. Although, in my ex's case, he is attracted by the availability of sex. And he doesn't seem to much care about the outside package. *shudder*
Anyhow...I had better get back to my training sessions. And by next Monday I should (hopefully) have my office set up. And have a regular routine established.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Sunday, July 26, 2015
The Struggle with Humanity
First week of my new job. Lots of training and a struggle. I got hit with some sort of 'bug'. Thursday I spent the day battling with what felt like a terrible sinus infection kind of headache. As the evening came, it became more. Every muscle in my body hurt. By Friday it was the head, the stomach, every joint and nerve. I found it difficult to get through my day. Yesterday it wasn't as painful so I went out in the yard and worked in the heat. My yard has had too much neglect and I am going to have to find some time each evening to tackle some part. The constant rain this summer has made it difficult but we seem to be slowing down on the rain.
Friday TJ had to go to the courthouse with his fiancée. Her sister had gone to the police department a week and a half ago and filed charges against her and seeking a restraining order. They had had an argument and did some pushing and shoving. The two had never gotten along and according to my son's accounts of his observations, her sister has a thug attitude and never tried to be nice to Brit. She has accused Brit of many things over the years which Brit has proved to not be true. The mother does nothing about any of it and lately has accused Brit of being full of the devil and evil. Brit left the Pentecostal church the family had attended and has been going to a Bible church with TJ. It all seems like a compaign against Brit for leaving the Pentecostal church. When TJ started dating Brit and I found out she was going to Pentecostal church, I raised my eyebrows and it raised the hairs on the back of my neck. I wanted him to run in the opposite direction. Right away Brit's mom started attacking him for not 'believing' as he should.
Anyway, the court told Brit she had 2 choices...either get a lawyer and go to court OR sign a paper agreeing to stay away from her sister and THE HOUSE for 5 years. She was told that by doing that she would not have a misdemeanor on her record. AFTER she signed it she was then told that she would have a domestic violence charge show up on background checks for 5 years. And this was her sister. I cannot fathom this type of family dysfunction.
I am in my own struggle with trying to find real forgiveness in my heart for my ex. I was especially convicted this morning during a Charles Stanley sermon about forgiving. God has forgiven me for everything...I am to forgive my ex. My struggle is trying to separate forgiveness from other feelings. I can forgive him without loving him. I just am having trouble with separating the two. This is a journey and God will reveal it to me.
Friday TJ had to go to the courthouse with his fiancée. Her sister had gone to the police department a week and a half ago and filed charges against her and seeking a restraining order. They had had an argument and did some pushing and shoving. The two had never gotten along and according to my son's accounts of his observations, her sister has a thug attitude and never tried to be nice to Brit. She has accused Brit of many things over the years which Brit has proved to not be true. The mother does nothing about any of it and lately has accused Brit of being full of the devil and evil. Brit left the Pentecostal church the family had attended and has been going to a Bible church with TJ. It all seems like a compaign against Brit for leaving the Pentecostal church. When TJ started dating Brit and I found out she was going to Pentecostal church, I raised my eyebrows and it raised the hairs on the back of my neck. I wanted him to run in the opposite direction. Right away Brit's mom started attacking him for not 'believing' as he should.
Anyway, the court told Brit she had 2 choices...either get a lawyer and go to court OR sign a paper agreeing to stay away from her sister and THE HOUSE for 5 years. She was told that by doing that she would not have a misdemeanor on her record. AFTER she signed it she was then told that she would have a domestic violence charge show up on background checks for 5 years. And this was her sister. I cannot fathom this type of family dysfunction.
I am in my own struggle with trying to find real forgiveness in my heart for my ex. I was especially convicted this morning during a Charles Stanley sermon about forgiving. God has forgiven me for everything...I am to forgive my ex. My struggle is trying to separate forgiveness from other feelings. I can forgive him without loving him. I just am having trouble with separating the two. This is a journey and God will reveal it to me.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Ups and Downs...Ins and Outs
It is official. I have a job!! I start the 27th. whew!!
Then, I got on my Linked In to update it and found out that Evil Spawn's female friend, Thug Life, had been checking out my profile. I gave him hell about it right away. He told me she wasn't on Linked In...I told him she lied...shocker. This, of course, set off a texting war back and forth a few times. I told him to just leave me alone and take her with him. I don't want her nose stuck in my life. I have been ignoring both of them and don't want him in my life. He told me I was being immature. I told him I am allowed since he was immature enough to send me an "I think we should get a divorce" EMAIL.
So...that's done. PLEASE let him be GONE.
And just when my life was calming down...another 'adventure'. My son's fiancée has moved in. It has to do with a domestic situation at her mom and step-dad's home that her sister started. Brit has packed her things and left the crazy mom and sister for good. The poor girl is so hurt but I have been trying to reassure her that I will help her as much as possible.
Not sure how the adjustment is going to be.
Anyway...I am taking them all out to dinner tonight. ouch.
(by ALL OUT I was referring to Bethany, TJ, Brit, Amber, Amy)
update: I got an email from the school...they want me to start in 3 days (20th) instead. At least it is VIRTUAL training. I thought I had a week to get their paperwork and background check done AND get the son's fiancée settled in. I am NOT complaining though! Not AT ALL.
Then, I got on my Linked In to update it and found out that Evil Spawn's female friend, Thug Life, had been checking out my profile. I gave him hell about it right away. He told me she wasn't on Linked In...I told him she lied...shocker. This, of course, set off a texting war back and forth a few times. I told him to just leave me alone and take her with him. I don't want her nose stuck in my life. I have been ignoring both of them and don't want him in my life. He told me I was being immature. I told him I am allowed since he was immature enough to send me an "I think we should get a divorce" EMAIL.
So...that's done. PLEASE let him be GONE.
And just when my life was calming down...another 'adventure'. My son's fiancée has moved in. It has to do with a domestic situation at her mom and step-dad's home that her sister started. Brit has packed her things and left the crazy mom and sister for good. The poor girl is so hurt but I have been trying to reassure her that I will help her as much as possible.
Not sure how the adjustment is going to be.
Anyway...I am taking them all out to dinner tonight. ouch.
(by ALL OUT I was referring to Bethany, TJ, Brit, Amber, Amy)
update: I got an email from the school...they want me to start in 3 days (20th) instead. At least it is VIRTUAL training. I thought I had a week to get their paperwork and background check done AND get the son's fiancée settled in. I am NOT complaining though! Not AT ALL.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Review from the Depths
I look back...standing on the summit right now. Actually, not sure I would call it the summit...feel like I am waiting to climb to the next level. Anyhow...I am not taking advice from Boston...I am looking back.
I think when Evil Spawn lost his job with Rockwell-Collins he began to think then how he could hardly wait to run. I knew at that time that everything had changed in my world. I just didn't realize how much it would be.
So...I look at my mom at the end of 2013 finding out she had breast cancer and would have to have a mastectomy. She faced that in January of 2014. She made it through but faced months of deep depression. As the weather got warmer, she brightened. And being the stubborn, strong willed woman that she is, she decided not to let it slow her down. She created her own rehab.
Somewhere in the beginning of summer her remaining brother's (uncle Kenneth) house caught fired and burned down. He escaped with his dog. He was 91. He spent some time living with a couple different grandkids but he needed more care than they could give him so they checked him into the county home. He was physically abused there and ended up in the hospital. He died from his injuries. That was about October.
In the meantime, in mid July I lost my job and a week later my ex told me he wanted a divorce.
A few more weeks after that my father was in the hospital with a clot in his leg from ankle to groin and it was touch and go about his life. After a few weeks of care and medications and an operation that cleared the clot out, he was home.
A bit more than a month later and my divorce was final. Then I descended into my own depression.
I wondered why I was so depressed and there could be so many reasons, I suppose.
Then I read about Jared Padalecki. He has what most people would think is a great life...marvelous wife, hit show, lots of money, etc...yet he battles depression. He has set up the Always Keep Fighting campaign to help people that fight depression and self mutilation.
I know that I really need to find the right kind of doctor that will give me the right kind of help. I have tried medication that other doctors have given me for depression in the past but they were just general medical doctors prescribing stuff. None of that stuff worked very well or just created other problems. I would like to know what it would be like to feel 'normal' most of the time. I might actually be able to accomplish some things.
I think when Evil Spawn lost his job with Rockwell-Collins he began to think then how he could hardly wait to run. I knew at that time that everything had changed in my world. I just didn't realize how much it would be.
So...I look at my mom at the end of 2013 finding out she had breast cancer and would have to have a mastectomy. She faced that in January of 2014. She made it through but faced months of deep depression. As the weather got warmer, she brightened. And being the stubborn, strong willed woman that she is, she decided not to let it slow her down. She created her own rehab.
Somewhere in the beginning of summer her remaining brother's (uncle Kenneth) house caught fired and burned down. He escaped with his dog. He was 91. He spent some time living with a couple different grandkids but he needed more care than they could give him so they checked him into the county home. He was physically abused there and ended up in the hospital. He died from his injuries. That was about October.
In the meantime, in mid July I lost my job and a week later my ex told me he wanted a divorce.
A few more weeks after that my father was in the hospital with a clot in his leg from ankle to groin and it was touch and go about his life. After a few weeks of care and medications and an operation that cleared the clot out, he was home.
A bit more than a month later and my divorce was final. Then I descended into my own depression.
I wondered why I was so depressed and there could be so many reasons, I suppose.
Then I read about Jared Padalecki. He has what most people would think is a great life...marvelous wife, hit show, lots of money, etc...yet he battles depression. He has set up the Always Keep Fighting campaign to help people that fight depression and self mutilation.
I know that I really need to find the right kind of doctor that will give me the right kind of help. I have tried medication that other doctors have given me for depression in the past but they were just general medical doctors prescribing stuff. None of that stuff worked very well or just created other problems. I would like to know what it would be like to feel 'normal' most of the time. I might actually be able to accomplish some things.
Working Way Out Ahead of Things
Once you get to a place where you can look back at things, you can marvel at God.
As my mother pointed out, I worked that job with the power company I hated for almost 2 years in order for me to collect unemployment for a year because the divorce was coming. AND I lost my job when I did so that I could get the alimony payment that I did. The county re-evaluated area property values just in the nick of time so that it made it look to the courts as if there was no equity to be had in our house so I would not have to pay the ex any money for his half of the house in order for me to keep it.
Here is the really marvelous part...it happened 3 years BEFORE. I marveled at the timing of it THEN and I am even more in awe of it now. We decided to get our home mortgage refinanced. It was actually Evil Spawn that really wanted to do it and do it soon. So, I found the refi company, did the leg work, all he had to do was show up and sign the papers. The whole thing knocked about $300/month off our mortgage payment. What was so great about the timing back then was just a few weeks later, Evil Spawn lost his job. It was perfect timing!
What made it great for ME is that I have come to realize that my payments for the house each month are less than for which I could rent a decent house. And living in this community my utility payments are lower than anywhere else around us. God was watching out for us (me and the kids) way ahead of time. The kids are in really good area. They have found their significant others, have friends, have lots of opportunities, etc.
God even made sure to help Evil Spawn to get a job far away so that I would not have to deal with him face-to-face.
I am just glad God was able to bring me back around to something more sane and put some sense back into me.
NOW if He could just create another major miracle and melt the fat off of me. Ha ha! I guess that will take me some real work.
As my mother pointed out, I worked that job with the power company I hated for almost 2 years in order for me to collect unemployment for a year because the divorce was coming. AND I lost my job when I did so that I could get the alimony payment that I did. The county re-evaluated area property values just in the nick of time so that it made it look to the courts as if there was no equity to be had in our house so I would not have to pay the ex any money for his half of the house in order for me to keep it.
Here is the really marvelous part...it happened 3 years BEFORE. I marveled at the timing of it THEN and I am even more in awe of it now. We decided to get our home mortgage refinanced. It was actually Evil Spawn that really wanted to do it and do it soon. So, I found the refi company, did the leg work, all he had to do was show up and sign the papers. The whole thing knocked about $300/month off our mortgage payment. What was so great about the timing back then was just a few weeks later, Evil Spawn lost his job. It was perfect timing!
What made it great for ME is that I have come to realize that my payments for the house each month are less than for which I could rent a decent house. And living in this community my utility payments are lower than anywhere else around us. God was watching out for us (me and the kids) way ahead of time. The kids are in really good area. They have found their significant others, have friends, have lots of opportunities, etc.
God even made sure to help Evil Spawn to get a job far away so that I would not have to deal with him face-to-face.
I am just glad God was able to bring me back around to something more sane and put some sense back into me.
NOW if He could just create another major miracle and melt the fat off of me. Ha ha! I guess that will take me some real work.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
"Effortless" takes Effort
I am 9 days away from a whole year since Evil Spawn sent me the email telling me he wanted a divorce. I am 2 days away from a year since I lost my last job. It is hard to believe a year has gone by. A whole other year of my life...such a waste. Or was it?
While there are things I could have been doing, spiritually and emotionally I did a lot. I have gone through the valley and have come out the other side. God held my head above water. He carried me. He led me.
I was chatting with Jay, yesterday. He is a friend of Evil Spawn's from college. Jay is a good Christian guy whose wife left him because she wanted to party. He found a wonderful woman on Christian Mingle named Krystal. They have been really happy together...but now he is telling me that he thinks God is telling him to get rid of Krystal and wait for Sue (his ex) to be saved and come back...that he is supposed to take her back.
Jay is disappointed in Troy...he believed Troy's lies too. I told him that Troy is just a narcissist. I wish I had realized what he really was a long time ago. I would have known what I was dealing with and done more about it. I do not know if things would be different or better NOW but I would have done things differently.
I told Jay that I am not sure he is correctly interpreting what God is telling him. I told him that perhaps God is just telling him to take Sue back into his heart as far as forgiving her and praying for her...and if she ever does get saved and comes back needing help, he could help her. I told him that God does not expect us to be unhappy. It was not by his own doing that he met Krystal...I believe God brought them together to fix his life and shower him with blessings.
I do not know if God has someone else out there for me but if He does He knows the right timing for me and this guy would have to just 'appear' in my life. I do not believe God wants me to wait for Troy or take him back. I believe He wants me to forgive him...care about his salvation...and if God does get through to him and he comes back needing help, I believe He wants me to give him some help...short of taking him back in. Did that, been there.
No, I believe that story has had its final conclusion. And I am starting a new book. It feels weird but it is sinking in. I believe Troy's life has some bad twists and turns up ahead. But he is going to have to deal with it and I am not. I am only going to deal with my life. With a lot of help from God.
While there are things I could have been doing, spiritually and emotionally I did a lot. I have gone through the valley and have come out the other side. God held my head above water. He carried me. He led me.
I was chatting with Jay, yesterday. He is a friend of Evil Spawn's from college. Jay is a good Christian guy whose wife left him because she wanted to party. He found a wonderful woman on Christian Mingle named Krystal. They have been really happy together...but now he is telling me that he thinks God is telling him to get rid of Krystal and wait for Sue (his ex) to be saved and come back...that he is supposed to take her back.
Jay is disappointed in Troy...he believed Troy's lies too. I told him that Troy is just a narcissist. I wish I had realized what he really was a long time ago. I would have known what I was dealing with and done more about it. I do not know if things would be different or better NOW but I would have done things differently.
I told Jay that I am not sure he is correctly interpreting what God is telling him. I told him that perhaps God is just telling him to take Sue back into his heart as far as forgiving her and praying for her...and if she ever does get saved and comes back needing help, he could help her. I told him that God does not expect us to be unhappy. It was not by his own doing that he met Krystal...I believe God brought them together to fix his life and shower him with blessings.
I do not know if God has someone else out there for me but if He does He knows the right timing for me and this guy would have to just 'appear' in my life. I do not believe God wants me to wait for Troy or take him back. I believe He wants me to forgive him...care about his salvation...and if God does get through to him and he comes back needing help, I believe He wants me to give him some help...short of taking him back in. Did that, been there.
No, I believe that story has had its final conclusion. And I am starting a new book. It feels weird but it is sinking in. I believe Troy's life has some bad twists and turns up ahead. But he is going to have to deal with it and I am not. I am only going to deal with my life. With a lot of help from God.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Wringing of the Hands
I wish I could lose weight by doing mental pacing. I have been trying to quash the anxiety. I have been praying ceaselessly. I have others praying for me.
I have heard NOTHING from either place I interviewed with last week. No phone call, no email, no letter in the mail. Nothing.
For the past couple of days I have been calling and emailing them. I have filled out other applications.
Last night I prayed to God for at least some encouragement...let me know that things are being worked out and they will be okay.
Then this morning, out of the blue, just as I finished my morning prayer I got a message through my FB messenger from a HS classmate that has retired from teaching and just started preaching. He told me that he felt led to pray for me this morning. Then, a few hours later, I got another FB message from a woman that I knew from a church 'back home' that I haven't spoken with in YEARS...she told me she felt there was something I was struggling with and she felt led to pray for me. I thanked the HS classmate and told him that, yes, I was waiting on God to bring a much needed change into my life. And I explained to the woman what was going on and she was thrilled to know that she had gotten the message right from God and was going to pray more fervently now that she knew what she was praying about.
I took those 2 messages of prayer as my sign of assurance from God. I am not stressing for the rest of the day, at least, because I know that God is working something out for me, and it will be just right at just the right time.
I also have discovered something else that God has done for me...He has deadened the anger and the hurt. I no longer feel like lashing out at Evil Spawn. I can see signs of things becoming unsettled in his life again. I take no pleasure in it. I just shake my head and shrug my shoulders and look the other way. Bethany and I had another discussion last night and she supported what I always thought and felt...I was the one that was his conscience and knocked him back on the right path. Without me he would make stupid decisions and find trouble. She is also seeing a black cloud on the horizon for him. He is not making the sane decisions of a mature 50 year old person.
I lost my baby sitting job. I warned him of what would become of his actions and all he did was get mad at me. My last words to him were, "but I shouldn't have to tell you any of this...you ARE a big boy, you should be able to figure it out." And he either will, or drown in the muck.
I am just clinging to God and His promises. It is going to work. It may not be MY plan but it will be a plan that works.
EDIT: It was just after I posted this that I checked my email. I finally heard back from the woman heading the dept at the online school I interviewed with. She told me that my interview was great and I was recommended for hire. She told me they are working on offers to send out and I should hear from them next week. YAY!!!! Just in the nick of time! GOD IS GOOD!!! He kept my head above water!
I have heard NOTHING from either place I interviewed with last week. No phone call, no email, no letter in the mail. Nothing.
For the past couple of days I have been calling and emailing them. I have filled out other applications.
Last night I prayed to God for at least some encouragement...let me know that things are being worked out and they will be okay.
Then this morning, out of the blue, just as I finished my morning prayer I got a message through my FB messenger from a HS classmate that has retired from teaching and just started preaching. He told me that he felt led to pray for me this morning. Then, a few hours later, I got another FB message from a woman that I knew from a church 'back home' that I haven't spoken with in YEARS...she told me she felt there was something I was struggling with and she felt led to pray for me. I thanked the HS classmate and told him that, yes, I was waiting on God to bring a much needed change into my life. And I explained to the woman what was going on and she was thrilled to know that she had gotten the message right from God and was going to pray more fervently now that she knew what she was praying about.
I took those 2 messages of prayer as my sign of assurance from God. I am not stressing for the rest of the day, at least, because I know that God is working something out for me, and it will be just right at just the right time.
I also have discovered something else that God has done for me...He has deadened the anger and the hurt. I no longer feel like lashing out at Evil Spawn. I can see signs of things becoming unsettled in his life again. I take no pleasure in it. I just shake my head and shrug my shoulders and look the other way. Bethany and I had another discussion last night and she supported what I always thought and felt...I was the one that was his conscience and knocked him back on the right path. Without me he would make stupid decisions and find trouble. She is also seeing a black cloud on the horizon for him. He is not making the sane decisions of a mature 50 year old person.
I lost my baby sitting job. I warned him of what would become of his actions and all he did was get mad at me. My last words to him were, "but I shouldn't have to tell you any of this...you ARE a big boy, you should be able to figure it out." And he either will, or drown in the muck.
I am just clinging to God and His promises. It is going to work. It may not be MY plan but it will be a plan that works.
EDIT: It was just after I posted this that I checked my email. I finally heard back from the woman heading the dept at the online school I interviewed with. She told me that my interview was great and I was recommended for hire. She told me they are working on offers to send out and I should hear from them next week. YAY!!!! Just in the nick of time! GOD IS GOOD!!! He kept my head above water!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)