Im-Mobile

I had a long talk with Monster Spouse on our 25th anniversary.  I am pretty much convinced there isn't anyone else.  He says it isn't about the money...not TOTALLY convinced of that.  However, he does have some things going on in his head.  He is not happy.  He doesn't know why he isn't happy...he is just not happy.

I think he likes his job....just not where it is.  I think part of his problem is depression from homesickness.  He's been there before..so have I.  We have spent a good deal of our marriage apart.  And I told him that we all might be better off if he and I are divorced.  As long as I have some idea of what is really going on, I can move on.

One of my HS friends, that was a BIG support when Troy was off on his crack binge, told me she thinks I have a great attitude and am doing well.  She caught me on a good day. 

But really, I have no choice but to keep moving.  There are others out there that know just that.  You don't have the luxury of hiding in bed and doing nothing but cry and sleep. 

I have to keep looking for work and taking care of things around here.  My kids are adults but it doesn't mean they are grown up.  I also have 3 dogs to take care of.  3 dogs. 

I had not wanted to have pets.  I remember all the dogs and the few cats we had as I was growing up...and I remember when they died.  I do NOT like that feeling.  Then we got these dogs and I thought well at least I don't have to do it alone...I don't have to handle it alone when they die. 

Now I do.  It is this kind of stuff that keeps popping up and reminding me off all the crap I am going to deal with alone.  Although, to tell you the truth, I was dealing with a lot of stuff alone...and worse when he decided to add his two cents of criticism.  Never helped out...just criticized.

I have to keep reminding myself off all of that.  Right now, he calls me and is 'so sweet' and keeps putting money in the joint bank acct.  I don't get it...whenever he had to put money in the bank acct before he would call me and yell about it.  Now he calls me to tell me he is putting more money in the acct.  Just cuz.  Guilty conscience?    Especially about his timing. 

Maybe it is because I laid on a thick layer of 'you should feel like a piece of crap' for the first week.  Then I didn't communicate with him at all for a few days...then there was the talk.  I did not throw anything in his face.  I just talked.  We threw the past out the window and just had an honest discussion about what is going on now...

Can't change anything in the past.  There is no question that he was a lousy father.  He did a great job of earning money to keep a nice roof over our heads.  Beyond that, when it came to the emotional family stuff...forget it.  He was never happy with any of us.  I was the stupid one that did not realize that it was himself that he was really not happy with.

I have not been happy with myself for a long time but mainly because I didn't seem to do anything to make him happy. 

I am scared looking into the chasm of my future...what happens if I can't do much and end up in a hole in some hillside somewhere...like a Hobbit?

Then again...I have faith...I am just not believing because I am letting my human doubts immobilize me.